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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never want to drive

78 replies

Imcrc · 26/05/2021 10:57

I'm 26 with 2 kids and cant drive.
I have taken a test 4 times and failed. The last time I had a massive panic attack and had to stop. I was diagnosed with anxiety after having my first daughter but I have have been an anxious person my whole life.

Each reason why I failed is such a long story. Basically the first 3 I only had about 3-4 minors and 1 major. Every time it's just more and more money. I stopped after I had my first daughter, then tried again just before lockdown when I failed again. Then had my daughter in October 2020 and haven't even thought about it since.

It definitely impacts my life I would love more freedom. The thought of it fills me with literal dread to the point of feeling sick. We now have some money I could use to go towards it. I just cringe at wasting it and failing again. Everyone around me says theres no pressure but they are the ones that keep mentioning it.

I'm getting worked up writing this. I know I'm being stupid! I cant shake this feeling of dread. I hate the thought of driving on my own. I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic and I feel like I will mess up and get in a accident. My mind wonders constantly. I dont think I can concentrate well.

I know it's a life skill I need. But I've left it too long and now I have such an issue around it. I dont WANT to do it but I know I NEED too.

OP posts:

VeganCheesePlease · 26/05/2021 13:06

I have dyspraxia too and I'm not even as brave as you trying to learn
I've nothing really to give here but I know how you feel and I understand.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2021 13:08

Tackle your anxiety before you tackle the driving- this level of fear isn’t normal.

DynamoKev · 26/05/2021 13:10

@misspattylacosta

I don't know why there is such a thing about driving stick shift in the UK.

there really isn't?

There's slightly less choice in smaller cars, auto tend to be medium to bigger but that's about it.

We do have a lot of small narrow roads, and too much traffic on a small island, so it can be a bit daunting.

Some countries are even worst, other easier..

But if you want to stick with auto, you absolutely can. No big deal.

I know I am way off topic - but there it is again - the reversal of the meanings of "worse" and "worst" - where is this coming from?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 26/05/2021 13:10

Don't for the love of Mike throw good money after bad on manual lessons if that's what you're having and that's what's making you prang out. I'm terrified of driving but have had four lessons (six hrs) behind the wheel of an auto: now, what I'm doing ain't pretty, but it is driving. I'm nowhere near the test but I can see that day at the end of the tunnel.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/05/2021 13:11

Address the anxiety first with your GP, there are many online resources too.

DM passed her test on 5th attempt but she remained an panicky driver and years later I still clearly remember the feeling of dread as a child when we had to get in the car with her. Her stress transferred to shouting at us in the car if any situation panicked her. Car journeys were tense and horrible.

hopeishere · 26/05/2021 13:11

My mum didn't drive and it was an absolute pain in the arse. We always had to go begging lifts all the time from people. She found it humiliating and that rubbed off on me. I still hate imposing in people if I need to get my own kid a lift.

She was insistent that I learnt how to drive though!

DynamoKev · 26/05/2021 13:12

All hybrids and electric cars are auto.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/05/2021 13:13

I'd still give it another go as others have said. If it's really untenable, I think YANBU as long as you live somewhere with good transport links, but YABU if you end up being like some posters on here who choose to live in the middle of nowhere and make it everyone else's problem how to get their DC to school and so forth as they don't/won't drive.

Northernsoullover · 26/05/2021 13:13

Ask your GP if you can take propanolol. Its the only way I could drive. Its not a sedative so perfectly OK to drive with.

LouNatics · 26/05/2021 13:15

@GeorgiaGirl52

Here in the US, the driving schools don't even offer instruction for manual transmission. All instruction is for automatic. As we have no public transportation except in the larger cities, everyone learns at 15 and is driving by 17 at the latest. Job applications (even for part time and after school jobs) require your driver's license number and proof of reliable transportation.

Everyone learns to drive at 15, everyone, across the whole of the US?

What happens to those who are not able/permitted to drive a car? Are they not allowed a job either?

BiBabbles · 26/05/2021 13:16

I would ask those in your life who keep mentioning it to stop. They may be well-intended with the no pressure comments, but it's not helping you.

YANBU to not want to drive, it's a useful life skill, but it's not something everyone has to have. It does mean working your life around the limitations with transport. There are pros and cons either way - an automatic might give you more benefits as others have mentioned, but if concerns are around money then considering how it would impact your budget might also come into play.

I know I am way off topic - but there it is again - the reversal of the meanings of "worse" and "worst" - where is this coming from?

I assumed it was an autocorrect thing, there seem to be a few words that mine always seems to change if I'm not looking closely enough.

WhirlingGerbil · 26/05/2021 13:17

I had 5 driving tests. Believe me, I know how you feel. But YOU CAN DO IT.

insertrandomusernamehere · 26/05/2021 13:17

I'm in my late 30s with toddlers and I can't drive. My mum, aunt and cousin died in a horrific RTA and that put me off driving for life, until now. I desperately need a car for taking my LOs out to activities/days out that aren't local.

GoldenOmber · 26/05/2021 13:18

I know it's a life skill I need. But I've left it too long and now I have such an issue around it. I dont WANT to do it but I know I NEED too.

You don’t need to. You could, if you chose/had to, move to somewhere that gave you more non-driving options and you would be okay.

So it’s your choice. It is in your control. And if you choose to do it, you should be choosing to do it on your terms. Whether that means getting a handle on your anxiety first, or holding out for the right driving instructor who comes recommended, or getting an automatic license, or taking ages or doing an intensive course. It’s under your control.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 26/05/2021 13:21

I had extreme driving anxiety, had loads of lessons, by some miracle managed to pass first time with two minors last September.

I still can't drive 😣 my anxiety is really bad and I can't bring myself to do it. I've driven my car once since passing, completely fucked it all up really and don't know what I'm going to do.

Sorry OP that's not helpful at all but you aren't alone

LST · 26/05/2021 13:22

I'm 30 with 2 dc and don't drive. I cant at the minute anyway as my mobility is so bad. It was fine when I could walk everywhere, but I can't anymore. No-one should have to drive if they don't want to.

Pinetreesfall · 26/05/2021 13:23

Please tackle your anxiety first before getting behind the wheel of a car!
I had a nervous driver completely write off my car. She leapt out of hers, rushed over gushing apologies at the scene - her excuse was she was a nervous driver and she panicked.
My much loved car absolutely wrecked. Not impressed was an understatement!

emmathedilemma · 26/05/2021 13:23

I think you've got to weigh up the benefits against the stress it causes you. If you're getting anxious just thinking about it then what would you be like driving on your own with 2 kids in the back? I have friends who drive and have cars but have limitations on their driving e.g won't go round certain roundabouts, won't use the motorway, won't go places they've never driven to before etc that half the time I wonder why they put themselves through the stress and don't just buy a bus pass! But I guess they balance that out against the places they can go and the freedom it gives them to a certain extent.

catfeets · 26/05/2021 13:23

I gave up in my 20s (failed 4 times for silly things and also issues with anxiety) and tried again in my 30s. I passed second time with my new instructor.

I do think my second instructor had a much better understanding of my anxiety issues. The first bloke was happy to just keep taking the money and not helping me progress.
The second instructor had a different outlook and numerous qualifications in mental health related fields, teaching, mindfulness etc. He quickly worked out i'm a better driver when I'm distracted as I don't panic as much. He talked to me the whole way through my lessons and advised me to talk to myself on the test. It worked! He said that talking my way through what I was doing was perfectly acceptable and has the bonus of letting the instructor know why you're making certain decisions.
He also advised me to pull over on the test if I was panicking and have a few minutes. The instructor cannot fail you for it as long as you pull in and out of traffic safely.

I passed about 3 years ago and I still HATE driving. I barely ever use the car, have never driven on a motorway and still go to work by train as I refuse to drive in a city. The lure of 'freedom' isn't enough if you're still scared of driving anyway. I worry about accidents every single time I get in the car.

Donitta · 26/05/2021 13:23

It took me nine attempts. Truthfully it simply wasn’t enough for me to go out with an instructor for 1-2 hours a week in his car, and that’s why I failed 8x. For my 9th attempt I had 1-2 hours a day in my own car with a relative, for a number of months. It took me that long to feel confident and then I passed straight away driving my own car. Imo if I’d had my own car and someone who was willing to take me out at the very beginning then I’d have passed sooner.

WhirlingGerbil · 26/05/2021 13:24

I think you need to address the root cause of the problem, which I doubt is your driving skills, but rather your anxiety. I had exactly the same problem - I just went to pot. If I had my time over, I'd seek out some sort of therapy for that - perhaps counselling or hypnotherapy.

My nerves were absolutely crippling. The only way i got over them was by forcing myself into excruciating situations to build my confidence. Like joining an am drama group, scuba diving, and skydiving. It puts your fears into perspective.

MustBeThursday · 26/05/2021 13:25

I felt like that about driving - I did lessons while I was struggling with anxiety for other reasons and it's sort of linked the two things in my brain. I really struggled with the gears especially. I started automatic lessons at the beginning of last year and was well on the way to test standard when lockdown hit. it was so much better. Still nervous but so much easier. Now things have reopened, I've just passed my theory test and I'm going to book a semi intensive automatic course.

bakingdemon · 26/05/2021 13:28

OP, this was me. I failed more times than you (by a few...) but kept going. We have to drive to see family 300 miles away and DH quite reasonably said he wasn't prepared to be the one always doing all the driving forever. Rescue Remedy got me through the test eventually about 6 years ago. We got an automatic so it would be easier for me to drive which made a huge difference. And then it really has been practice. I still don't really like driving and would always rather get public transport if there's an option, but last week I did a drive for work on a windy and horrid day which involved going on the M11, M25 and M1, and I was fine, and very proud of myself too.

I am not dyspraxic though, and I know friends who are severely dyspraxic who will never be able to drive. Is there an assessment that can help figure out whether it's possible for you?

Wroxie · 26/05/2021 13:30

Just to point out that in modern cars, manual gearboxes absolutely do not use less fuel than automatic, and unless you drive the manual perfectly (which no one does), manuals tend to use more fuel.

The preference for manuals in the UK is outdated.

SoupDragon · 26/05/2021 13:36

The preference for manuals in the UK is outdated.

Lol. I prefer manuals because they aren't boring.

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