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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go to either one of my friends parties?

73 replies

AIBU6001 · 26/05/2021 01:16

Name changed for this.

I'm friends with two women who hate each other. Let's call them A and B. The three of of used to be really, really good friends at one point but A and B had a huge falling out over 10 years ago and they haven't been friends since. I wasn't present when they fell out so I've remained neutral and refused to take sides and I'm still very close with both of them.

It's been almost 10 years since they fell out and they still can't comfortably be around each other. I've had 2 baby showers, several birthday celebrations and an engagement party and on occasion they've both attended some these events at the same time and they've complete avoided each other and not said a single word to one another.

So here lies the problem; They both have events planned during the August bank holiday.
A is turning 30 the Thursday before the bank holiday and last week A invited me to go away for a long weekend at a luxurious cottage for the whole bank holiday weekend. There are 18 of us meant to be going and naturally I said yes I would attend. I've already found a babysitter for As birthday bash and sent her a small amount of money (like all the other guests) to help cover the cost of the cottage.

Unfortunately, I found out yesterday, that Bs hen party is planned for that exact same bank holiday weekend as As birthday party. I'm one of Bs bridesmaids and Bs maid of honour (her Dsis) sent me a message asking if I was free this week to help her plan the Hen Party. B isn't getting married until a few days before Christmas but B wanted to get her hen party done early because another one of one of Bs Dsisters is coming home for 2 weeks during August/September and then won't be back home again until 2 days before Bs wedding to attend the wedding and also spend Christmas day with her family. So B wanted her Hen party while her other Dsis is able to attend.

I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. If I go to As birthday party then I'll upset B and if I go to Bs hen Do then I'll upset A. I've come to a point where I just want to decline both invitations but I don't know what I'd say when I'm quizzed as to why I can't attend. I haven't slept at all last night cause I've been so worried! Should I just say no to both?

OP posts:

reader12 · 26/05/2021 01:23

Just tell B’s maid of honour you are away that weekend and could they do it on a different date? Doesn’t matter who it is, you have a prior commitment.

BigHeadBertha · 26/05/2021 02:15

A asked first and you have already accepted her invitation. I believe both etiquette and common sense dictate that you stick with the plans you already made.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2021 02:21

A asked first and you have already accepted her invitation.

This. It's not your choice, it's etiquette.

Sally872 · 26/05/2021 02:25

Go to As party as you were asked there first.

As bridesmaid you should have been consulted on the date of hen party. Sister is there for 2 weeks they can pick a different date or accept you can't make it.

PinkSatinMoon · 26/05/2021 03:53

Ditch both these friends.. period.

Friendships should not this much hard work, honestly, 10 years of the crap would have me demented.

violetbunny · 26/05/2021 04:01

I think it would be bad form to pull out of A's event as you have already committed to it.

It doesn't matter whose event it is, if another friend had invited you then you still wouldn't be available to go to B's event. You are unavailable.

Rmka · 26/05/2021 04:02

@reader12

Just tell B’s maid of honour you are away that weekend and could they do it on a different date? Doesn’t matter who it is, you have a prior commitment.

This.

Original poster

AIBU6001 · 26/05/2021 04:31

Thank you! I'm just going to explain to Bs maid of honour that I'm unavailable that particular weekend.

OP posts:

anon12345678901 · 26/05/2021 04:34

It seems so coincidental the only weekend B's hen party could be is A's 30th. Yet she isn't getting married for a couple of months after, if they were close before she knows when A's birthday is.
I would say you already have plans, don't need to go into detail on them. It's really rude to agree to something, start payments and then pull out.
It's really crap for you and it seems you've been really accommodating over the years with their issues and not causing upset.

anon12345678901 · 26/05/2021 04:35

Cross posted, definitely the right thing to do

LuvMyBubbles · 26/05/2021 04:59

Yes keep the plans you have and let b know.

Cuntryhouse · 26/05/2021 05:03

Definitely keep plans with A. Highly suspicious of Bs timing.

Ohffsnotthisagain · 26/05/2021 05:53

Yes suspect timing by B alright - smacks of trying to make you choose hers. You’re doing the right thing explaining to her you’re busy that weekend.
That’s really hard being stuck in the middle, hope it goes ok for you.

AlmostSummer21 · 26/05/2021 06:04

It's incredibly bad form to choose a date for a hen party without checking that the 'main players' are available!

You should have said immediately that you already have plans that weekend, but yesh, tell her ASAP.

redcarbluecar · 26/05/2021 06:07

Agree with others - prioritise A. Ignore PP who suggested you ditch your friends. Their fall out is their problem, not yours.

Saltyslug · 26/05/2021 06:12

You’re busy on the bank holiday. You’ve already agreed to go away with the group of 18.

I can’t see why your so torn. Just be honest. You’ve already booked to go away with x. Ask for another date for friend getting married

Saltyslug · 26/05/2021 06:14

Your friend getting married should have checked your availability before booking and can move the booking date to accommodate you if she wants you there

Flowerclock · 26/05/2021 06:15

@redcarbluecar

Agree with others - prioritise A. Ignore PP who suggested you ditch your friends. Their fall out is their problem, not yours.

OP has said that it has been making social occasions akward for the last decade. And if they had to come on an Internet forum to ask for help because the situation is so akward, I'd argue it is becoming OPs problem.

NoSquirrels · 26/05/2021 06:18

You can’t do the bank holiday weekend, but you can do a prior weekend in August when her sister is home - if she’s around for 2 weeks that should be fine. No drama. I expect quite a few invitees might have bank holiday weekend plans so better to pick a different date. And if they can’t move the hen do, then it’s not your fault - if it’s a choice between you there or her sister there then graciously accept if she chooses her sister.

underneaththeash · 26/05/2021 06:22

Who plans a hen do without asking if the other bridesmaid is free first? Especially over a bank holiday weekend..

Ki0612 · 26/05/2021 06:22

I would move my hen so my bridesmaid could be there! Just say away for weekend for a friends birthday deposit paid already etc.

glencoco · 26/05/2021 06:28

If you don’t want to go to either you don’t have to. However, you have accepted the first invitation and you’re not doing anything wrong by going. If B gets upset about you not attending her hen, she has the option of moving it.

agododopushpineapple · 26/05/2021 06:30

As an aside, unless you’ve fudged the details to remain anonymous- your friends need to grow up. Who falls out aged 20 and remains hostile by aged 30 (unless it really was for an awful reason).

mainsfed · 26/05/2021 06:37

Are people really telling OP to ditch both friendships?

Good friends don't grow on trees, if they are decent friends to OP and aren't trying to manipulate OP into choosing a side, then there is no need to ditch the friends.

I agree, a commitment has been made to A. B doesn't even need to know about A's party unless she asks.

GappyValley · 26/05/2021 06:39

@agododopushpineapple

As an aside, unless you’ve fudged the details to remain anonymous- your friends need to grow up. Who falls out aged 20 and remains hostile by aged 30 (unless it really was for an awful reason).

If someone slept with my boyfriend, stole from me, was physically aggressive, made malicious complaints about me.... I wouldn’t be speaking to them 10 years later

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