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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to either one of my friends parties?

73 replies

AIBU6001 · 26/05/2021 01:16

Name changed for this.

I'm friends with two women who hate each other. Let's call them A and B. The three of of used to be really, really good friends at one point but A and B had a huge falling out over 10 years ago and they haven't been friends since. I wasn't present when they fell out so I've remained neutral and refused to take sides and I'm still very close with both of them.

It's been almost 10 years since they fell out and they still can't comfortably be around each other. I've had 2 baby showers, several birthday celebrations and an engagement party and on occasion they've both attended some these events at the same time and they've complete avoided each other and not said a single word to one another.

So here lies the problem; They both have events planned during the August bank holiday.
A is turning 30 the Thursday before the bank holiday and last week A invited me to go away for a long weekend at a luxurious cottage for the whole bank holiday weekend. There are 18 of us meant to be going and naturally I said yes I would attend. I've already found a babysitter for As birthday bash and sent her a small amount of money (like all the other guests) to help cover the cost of the cottage.

Unfortunately, I found out yesterday, that Bs hen party is planned for that exact same bank holiday weekend as As birthday party. I'm one of Bs bridesmaids and Bs maid of honour (her Dsis) sent me a message asking if I was free this week to help her plan the Hen Party. B isn't getting married until a few days before Christmas but B wanted to get her hen party done early because another one of one of Bs Dsisters is coming home for 2 weeks during August/September and then won't be back home again until 2 days before Bs wedding to attend the wedding and also spend Christmas day with her family. So B wanted her Hen party while her other Dsis is able to attend.

I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. If I go to As birthday party then I'll upset B and if I go to Bs hen Do then I'll upset A. I've come to a point where I just want to decline both invitations but I don't know what I'd say when I'm quizzed as to why I can't attend. I haven't slept at all last night cause I've been so worried! Should I just say no to both?

OP posts:
NautaOcts · 26/05/2021 09:58

Seems quite late notice for a hen do on a bank hol when other people will have made plans (sorry I know that’s a bit beside the point!)

But agree it’s a tough one since you are bridesmaid but then that’s why you should have been consulted on dates!

Agree with pp to take emotion out of it and go on the break you have already committed to and paid for.

baldafrique · 26/05/2021 10:07

@StillCoughingandLaughing
Depends if one of them did something appalling to the other I guess! Maybe they're just petty and stubborn tho!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/05/2021 10:08

You don't see a difference between not explicitly telling B where she is going, and asking not to be tagged on SM because of a fictitious family party? Confused The second option is lying.

I can’t believe you’re really ‘soooo confused! Confused’ about this. I KNOW it’s a lie; that’s the point. She wouldn’t be lying to B (if she sticks to the ‘already booked, sorry’ line); she’d be lying to A, who is the one getting what she wants.

If the OP wants to be upfront with B about why she’s unavailable, that’s obviously up to her. My point is, if she’s going to try to decline the hen do without explicitly stating why - as almost everyone has advised she do - it’s worth considering that B may find out some other way.

IntermittentParps · 26/05/2021 10:12

My point is, if she’s going to try to decline the hen do without explicitly stating why - as almost everyone has advised she do - it’s worth considering that B may find out some other way.
And my point is the OP needn't concern herself with B finding out.

She wouldn’t be lying to B (if she sticks to the ‘already booked, sorry’ line); she’d be lying to A, who is the one getting what she wants.
What is the lie in this scenario?

Tooshytoshine · 26/05/2021 10:15

Text the maid of honor back to say you already have plans that weekend. This happens, you can't just assume somebody is free. However, you would like to do a meal etc another night or nearer the time of wedding, if it can't be rescheduled.

You have already said yes to what sounds a lovely weekend. This will blow up in your face no matter what you do by design. Friend B will know when friend A's birthday is, I would think.

It is up to them if they have settled on a ten year feud rather than a more grown up path. You have maintained both friendships for a decade and have been accommodating of them. If they want to be jealous because of a fall out they had then let them be.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/05/2021 10:17

What is the lie in this scenario?

Are you serious? You’re the one who called it a lie!

IntermittentParps · 26/05/2021 10:25

OK, I'll go through it again.

  • Inventing a family party is lying, because there is no family party. Do you agree? Or disagree?
  • My question 'What is the lie in this scenario?' refers to your statement that 'She wouldn’t be lying to B (if she sticks to the ‘already booked, sorry’ line); she’d be lying to A, who is the one getting what she wants.'
How in this scenario – where she sticks to going to A's birthday, and tells B she can't attend the hen as she's already booked/committed to something else – is she telling a lie?
StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/05/2021 10:30

Inventing a family party is lying, because there is no family party. Do you agree? Or disagree?

Agree - and that’s the lie. The lie she’s telling to A, not B. Your question ‘What is the lie in this scenario?’ doesn’t make sense.

IntermittentParps · 26/05/2021 10:34

You say that if the OP told B ‘already booked, sorry’ she’d be lying to A. How is this lying to A?

Zzelda · 26/05/2021 10:38

@IntermittentParps

Zzelda, do you mean when the hen weekend was suggested? Because the OP says she was invited on the birthday last week, but only found out yesterday that Bs hen party is planned for the same weekend.
Yes, what's your query? I was asking why OP didn't say she had a prior engagement as soon as it was mentioned that the hen do was the same weekend.
mam0918 · 26/05/2021 10:41

So you accepted A and you paid some towards it so its booked right and by not going you will likely effect others.

But with B you have been asked to help PLAN so nothing is booked, they want it then because sister is back for 2 weeks but its only 2 days out of 2 weeks right, do it the next weekend.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/05/2021 10:42

@IntermittentParps

You say that if the OP told B ‘already booked, sorry’ she’d be lying to A. How is this lying to A?
No I didn’t. The lie to A would be that she doesn’t want to be in any social media pics because she’s supposed to be at a family party. This lie does nothing to harm A, but potentially avoids upsetting B.
Zzelda · 26/05/2021 10:42

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Inventing a family party is lying, because there is no family party. Do you agree? Or disagree?

Agree - and that’s the lie. The lie she’s telling to A, not B. Your question ‘What is the lie in this scenario?’ doesn’t make sense.

This is a pointless argument, but why would she be lying to A? OP wouldn't be telling A that she's at a family party when she's at A's party, would she?
Zzelda · 26/05/2021 10:43

Cross post Confused

IntermittentParps · 26/05/2021 10:52

Zzelda, I'm getting at the difference between a date being suggested and a date being planned. I think (I may be wrong) the first the OP had heard of the hen do was yesterday, when she was told that it was 'planned' – as opposed to someone saying to her 'We're thinking of this weekend for the hen, what do you think?'

Aprilwasverywet · 26/05/2021 10:56

Surely sorry I already have firm plans for that week end.. Is enough..

aSofaNearYou · 26/05/2021 10:57

You should definitely go to A's party. B can't just book her hen do for a really random time nowhere close to her wedding without asking people if they are free first.

diddl · 26/05/2021 11:22

Anyone else wondering if Op will be "sacked" as bridesmaid & maybe even uninvited from the wedding?

Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2021 11:24

Whichever you booked first takes priority

YellowFish12 · 26/05/2021 11:27

BMs should have been consulted on dates. It’s way too close to the Aug BH to be trying to bagsie it now.
Just tell MOH you have firm plans and paid for a weekend away with a group of people so it can’t moved. Can the hen do be a different weekend?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 26/05/2021 11:30

As many have said before, you go with the one who invited you first. I have both a 30th and 40th happening on the same weekend. I was told about the 30th first, so when the 40th came up I said sorry, already got plans. Both very good friends of mine.

Very simple and no backstory necessary.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/05/2021 11:38

Agree with others, you tell the MoH you have plans that weekend, surely no one wants to use their long weekend at a hen party anyway and may already have plans for it?

VodkaSlimline · 26/05/2021 12:21

As a bridesmaid, how have you not been involved in deciding the date for the hen do?

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