AIBU to not go to either one of my friends parties?

[AIBU6001]

Name changed for this.

I'm friends with two women who hate each other. Let's call them A and B. The three of of used to be really, really good friends at one point but A and B had a huge falling out over 10 years ago and they haven't been friends since. I wasn't present when they fell out so I've remained neutral and refused to take sides and I'm still very close with both of them.

It's been almost 10 years since they fell out and they still can't comfortably be around each other. I've had 2 baby showers, several birthday celebrations and an engagement party and on occasion they've both attended some these events at the same time and they've complete avoided each other and not said a single word to one another.

So here lies the problem; They both have events planned during the August bank holiday.
A is turning 30 the Thursday before the bank holiday and last week A invited me to go away for a long weekend at a luxurious cottage for the whole bank holiday weekend. There are 18 of us meant to be going and naturally I said yes I would attend. I've already found a babysitter for As birthday bash and sent her a small amount of money (like all the other guests) to help cover the cost of the cottage.

Unfortunately, I found out yesterday, that Bs hen party is planned for that exact same bank holiday weekend as As birthday party. I'm one of Bs bridesmaids and Bs maid of honour (her Dsis) sent me a message asking if I was free this week to help her plan the Hen Party. B isn't getting married until a few days before Christmas but B wanted to get her hen party done early because another one of one of Bs Dsisters is coming home for 2 weeks during August/September and then won't be back home again until 2 days before Bs wedding to attend the wedding and also spend Christmas day with her family. So B wanted her Hen party while her other Dsis is able to attend.

I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. If I go to As birthday party then I'll upset B and if I go to Bs hen Do then I'll upset A. I've come to a point where I just want to decline both invitations but I don't know what I'd say when I'm quizzed as to why I can't attend. I haven't slept at all last night cause I've been so worried! Should I just say no to both?

I'd ask the MOH if there's any chance you can change the hen do date

I'd also speak to B and explain because if she finds out, by accident you went away with A rather than her hen do she's likely to think you've hidden something and be upset. A simple conversation saying exactly what you said in your op about being asked and it's paid for

Yep, this assumption that women fall out due to trivial issues and just need to grow up is really annoying and damaging.

I agree with all the others. You've already committed to A. "Sorry MOH I'm away that weekend - I can do the one before or after instead."

Does B know it’s A’s big birthday weekend? It seems very strange to pick a date that far ahead of the wedding and not ask the bridal party if they are available and just assume you will go?

You’re doing the right thing to explain that you’re already busy that weekend. You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong, you couldn’t have known that Bs hen weekend was to be the same weekend (strange to me that they didn’t even check the bridesmaids could do that date before presenting it as a done deal, but whatever).
Just be upfront, honest and absolutely do not let anyone make you feel bad about this.

A asked you first and you agreed so you do the thing you agreed to

@AIBU6001

Thank you! I'm just going to explain to Bs maid of honour that I'm unavailable that particular weekend.

Be very clear that you have already accepted an invitation to go away, paid money etc.

Don't let there be ANY ambiguity.

I feel bad for you stuck in the middle here. You definitely have to go to A’s because you’re already committed to it but of course if B finds out that is the reason, she’s most likely going to hit the roof. Crappy situation for you.

As bridesmaid you should have been consulted on the date of hen party.
I agree with this. It's their mistake.
And etiquette dictates that you stick with the invitation you've accepted.

Do you have mutual friends that means that B will know you're doing something with A if you don't spell it out? ie if you just say 'So sorry but I've made firm plans and paid a deposit, so I'm committed.'?

In any case, if either or both find out and get upset, say firmly 'It's hard for me maintaining friendships with both of you and I'm doing my best.'

It's irrelevant that the clash is with A's party, you couldn't go on the hen do whether the party was hosted by anyone else. I don't really see why it didn't occur to you to say you had a prior engagement as soon as that weekend was mentioned.

@PinkSatinMoon

Ditch both these friends.. period.

Friendships should not this much hard work, honestly, 10 years of the crap would have me demented.

This is way over the top. Why lose two good friends because they don’t like each other? You can’t force your friends to be friends with one another just because it would make your life easier.

OP has said that it has been making social occasions akward for the last decade. And if they had to come on an Internet forum to ask for help because the situation is so akward, I'd argue it is becoming OPs problem.

The OP referenced occasions such as her engagement, baby shower and birthday. Birthdays are, by definition, but once a year. Weddings and engagements are, hopefully, once in a lifetime. Even if the OP has been engaged, married and had three children since the fall-out, we’re taking a maximum of 15 social occasions in ten years - probably one a year some years (and that’s assuming OP has a big birthday celebration where she has to invite everyone every year).

We’ve all been limited to groups of six for the past six weeks, as well as for periods last year. Most of us will have experienced not being able to invite all our friends to every social event in recent times, even when they DO like each other. If the entire population can deal with that, I’m sure OP can arrange drinks with A one week and B the next - and accept that there will be odd occasions where, if she wants them both there, she’ll have to sit them at opposite ends of the table and get on with it.

Zzelda, do you mean when the hen weekend was suggested? Because the OP says she was invited on the birthday last week, but only found out yesterday that Bs hen party is planned for the same weekend.

Going away to a cottage with 18 people and a hen do are both my idea of hell so personally I'd go to neither! But presumably you want to go to both so in your situation I'd go to A's event as she asked first. B should have checked with you before booking.

@AIBU6001

Thank you! I'm just going to explain to Bs maid of honour that I'm unavailable that particular weekend.

I think this is the right choice. My only suggestion would be that, if A and B have any other mutual friends who might be at A’s birthday weekend, try to avoid being tagged in any social media. (Maybe invent a family party you’ve skipped to be there and ask not to be pictured/tagged.)

"I think this is the right choice. My only suggestion would be that, if A and B have any other mutual friends who might be at A’s birthday weekend, try to avoid being tagged in any social media. (Maybe invent a family party you’ve skipped to be there and ask not to be pictured/tagged.)"

Hmm, I think this is asking for trouble to be honest. I would just be upfront about where you're going.

@BigHeadBertha

A asked first and you have already accepted her invitation. I believe both etiquette and common sense dictate that you stick with the plans you already made.

I agree with this.

Also i dont get how as a bridesmaid you didn't help with dates!!!
In fact as a standard hen I have always been consulted about possible dates before anything was booked

My only suggestion would be that, if A and B have any other mutual friends who might be at A’s birthday weekend, try to avoid being tagged in any social media.
(Maybe invent a family party you’ve skipped to be there and ask not to be pictured/tagged.)
Terrible advice! Why lie? They may have fallen out, but they're adults. The OP doesn't need to indulge either of them and they need to recognise that their falling-out does mean situations like this will happen.

@AIBU6001

Thank you! I'm just going to explain to Bs maid of honour that I'm unavailable that particular weekend.

Exactly. And who arranges a hen do without checking dates with the other bridesmaids?! Particularly if it’s a bank holiday, lots of people will already have plans.

It’s a very clear situation OP just message B’s MOH ‘sorry but I’ve already booked and paid for a weekend away over that bank holiday for a friends 30th birthday. It’s non refundable. If you have any other dates in mind just let me know’

There are no circumstances in which you should feel guilty or like you chose A over B. A asked first and you’ve already booked/paid! Totally reasonable on your part.

You have to go to the one you already accepted first, its bad manners to do anything else. Just explain to the other friend that you already have plans. You cannot cancel just because you're worried about how someone might feel. You're friends with both, and they know this. They'd be crazy to throw you any shade for something outside of your control.

Terrible advice! Why lie? They may have fallen out, but they're adults. The OP doesn't need to indulge either of them and they need to recognise that their falling-out does mean situations like this will happen.

Well maybe they should recognise it, but lots of people behave in ways they shouldn’t. We’ve all seen enough bridezilla threads on here to know that brides (and grooms, no doubt) get highly emotional over things that don’t really matter. As nice as it might be to think that the bride will be sanguine and take a zen-like approach to the fact that, instead of her hen do, her bridesmaid is going to a party for someone she hates, do you really see it happening?

The only ‘terrible advice’ I can see is that the OP should bury her head in the sand and pretend this wouldn’t be an issue. Almost everyone has advised not telling B where she is going instead; just that she is unavailable. Why is trying to prevent her finding out any different?

Surely if the bust up was that bad then one of them is quite clearly in the wrong?

@baldafrique

Surely if the bust up was that bad then one of them is quite clearly in the wrong?

So the OP should have picked one friend and stuck with her?

As nice as it might be to think that the bride will be sanguine and take a zen-like approach to the fact that, instead of her hen do, her bridesmaid is going to a party for someone she hates, do you really see it happening?
I mean the OP needn't take it on as her responsibility to manage these friends' feelings.

everyone has advised not telling B where she is going instead; just that she is unavailable. Why is trying to prevent her finding out any different

You don't see a difference between not explicitly telling B where she is going, and asking not to be tagged on SM because of a fictitious family party?

The second option is lying.