To feel lonely at work when everyone is speaking another language

[trtrtrtr]

"Lonely" isn't really the right word but wasn't sure how else to describe it.

I am working in a team of 6 people and 5 of them all speak the same (non-English) language. They have all really bonded and have lots of conversations in their first language which is fine. However, as a result of them speaking a language I don't understand I can't participate in conversations and therefore can't really bond with them as much. They do speak in English sometimes but I think by default they slip back into their first language when speaking together. But sometimes I'll be with them and all 5 of them will be talking together in a language I don't understand. They all have really good English.

I just feel guilty to feel like this when I am English living in England surrounded by the English language and English culture and they are all from abroad probably experiencing cultural differences and grateful to be able to have some kind of familiarity through speaking in their first language.

Sorry if any of this was offensive, I don't mean to be. But has anyone experienced this at work or have any advice on how to handle it?

I think this is rude.

As an aside (exclusion in conversations aside), I don't think we should really judge people 'staying in their own culture bubble'. Living abroad can be pretty lonely. It was a happy day if I overheard an English person or bought some ketchup when I lived abroad.

I worked in a bakery about five years ago and worked with about 15 Eastern European girls. They spoke in their own language constantly. Never involved me in any conversation. In my interview I was told they had to speak English, that never happened. I left. It was awful. Now my current work there is about 6 Eastern European girls and they couldn’t be any nicer.

@TheLastLotus

YANBU OP. As a foreigner myself (who misses home) this is very rude behaviour. Also in my country most people are trilingual . It’s considered very rude to speak a language that isn’t understood by every person in the group.

As an aside I never understood people moving abroad (refugees etc excepted) and staying in their own little culture bubble...might as well not have moved then

There is a huge difference between speaking your mother tongue and not engaging with your new country.

I speak German to DH and DD when we are just us three. I don't care if strangers around us don't understand us. I speak English when we are together with friends as it would be extremely rude. I may switch by accident but then it's normally something just directed to DH or DD like "can you bring me a drink please" or similar.

For me it is important to share German traditions with DD so she learns about both sides of her upbringing. A second language is important for us. Do I come back from a trip to Germany with food in my suitcase I miss her, oh yes.

I had a colleague from our home country once and she absolutely hated it here, she would always complain about perfectly normal British circumstances and always compared everything to Germany. I still remember her being pregnant and only ordering from Germany as she couldn't bear buying in the UK. She was only here because her husband wanted a couple of years foreign work for his CV. She was absolutely miserable.

I’m not BRITISH and I would never do anything like this.

Yes I’m sure it’s nice for them to be able to speak their language. But they are by default excluding you and this is nit ok.

I would have a word with them, management if nothing changes.

When you are ot and about with family this is a different issue. Then I dint make an effort to switch (many different reasons incl using the OPOL system).

Work is different. You need cohésion in the team. You need everyone to be singing the same song. How is the OP ever able to work with people if
1- she can’t connect with them
2- doenst actually know if things have been agreed/sorted between them but she doesn’t know... because she doesn’t speak their language? I mean I’m sure they will speak English with their manager....

@DeflatedGinDrinker

My Italian friend switches mid sensentence I don't think she does it purposely. Her sister also lives here and they both speak perfect english but speak Italian to each other as, from what I can see, it just flows better. More natural for them.

It’s also the fact that its their language to communicate. When my dcs were little, their communication language was french. They would switch automatically when speaking to each other. As they grew up, English became their dominant language and their communication language so they will switch to English even when in France.

That’s something totally automatic.

I have a friend that is french. We met up through other English friends and we use both language to communicate. Esp if there are non french speaking people around. There is no automatic switch because we’ve had one prédominât language between us to communicate

These people met through work. Their native tongue didn’t have to become their automatic communication language. Actually I’d say it should never have become that.

I work in the nhs with a whole host of nationalities. Everyone is told to speak English during work time regardless of what the majority of the work force at that time speak

Some of my colleagues do this and to be honest it's highly irritating. they reckon they do it just to keep up their first language skills but I just find it rude. It used to really annoy our previous manager but current one seems to turn a blind eye.

This sounds really tough! But I doubt they’re doing it on purpose.
I don’t know how anyone speaks a second language but it must be easier to talk in the language you know without having to think about the right words all of the time.

When they start speaking in their language I’d say “pardon? Oh I thought you were talking to me” and see if that works.
If you say it a few times you could just say you’re feeling left out as you can’t understand them a join in. If it doesn’t work you’ll have to mention it higher up.

This is not ok . If you don't feel brave enough to bring it up yourself, then go to your manager. Work language should be English. Occasional chat or lunch breaks are ok sometimes in another language , but not when they are effectively excluding you from any socialisation and interaction.

Do you get on well with any of them? Are they always together or are there opportunities for you to have 1 to 1 interaction with them?

But I doubt they’re doing it on purpose.

From my personal experience, there is a chance they do it on purpose. Most people don't, but quiet a few do. It's like blanking someone to let them know you just don't care for them imho

Op?

Yanbu it’s really rude

Can't you ask them to teach you swear words?
There are many ways to bond in new languages.

The same thing used to happen to me years ago! They were all great as well. Fortunately, very early on our boss (English speaking but not British) walked in and said "English in the office please". I got them to teach me lots of phrases though.

@toocold54

This sounds really tough! But I doubt they’re doing it on purpose. I don’t know how anyone speaks a second language but it must be easier to talk in the language you know without having to think about the right words all of the time.

When they start speaking in their language I’d say “pardon? Oh I thought you were talking to me” and see if that works.
If you say it a few times you could just say you’re feeling left out as you can’t understand them a join in. If it doesn’t work you’ll have to mention it higher up.

Sorry but English is a second language for me. And no it’s not so hard to speak English during working hours. For all we know these people are going back home to English speaking partners! You don’t spend your time looking for words either.

Not when English is your work language and you use it everyday.

Granted, if they only speak their own mother tongue, it’s going to be harder for them to learn....

You don’t spend your time looking for words either.

Yrah, you start thinking in the dominant language soon. I remember when I fist dreamt in English! It was odd because everyone in the dream was from my native country, but everything was in English😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant

You don’t spend your time looking for words either.

Yrah, you start thinking in the dominant language soon. I remember when I fist dreamt in English! It was odd because everyone in the dream was from my native country, but everything was in English😂

That's when you know you've properly assimilated.

I get this at work with my Indian colleagues, especially on nightshifts when there's no management around. Its very rude and annoying. I dont feel lonely but find it so unpleasant to listen to for hours on end, literally gives me a headache.

YANBU I work in a place with quite a mix of nationalities. Work asks we all speak English in the office when chatting to one another. Speak what you want in your lunch break. It’s not really policed because it doesn’t need to be as people understand and respect the rules.

My supervisor also speaks the same language although she doesn't really join in in the conversations and I only ever here her speak English aside from the occasional comment. Also the language is not Welsh and the company I work for is British and in England.

My colleagues will sometimes talk in English to me so I feel like they are not deliberately excluding me from conversations. I think they just don't realise that it can feel quite isolating and make you feel quite paranoid. There are two of them that will mainly speak in English when they are near me but the rest of them speak mainly in their first language.

I don't mind keeping myself to myself to some extent but I can tell they are really bonding and becoming friends through their conversations and I just feel a bit left out. They are all arranging to meet up outside of work and I'm not invited because I don't know any of them well as I can't join in on the conversation.

I'm thinking of asking to move teams as, like a previous poster mentioned, it will be obvious that I complained to my manager about it.

That's when you know you've properly assimilated.grin

Whoop😂

It really sucks @trtrtrtr

I think the team move might be the best. Hope it gets sorted for you

My work banned that, for one it could be a security issue (due to nature of our work) and two it made others feel paranoid or excluded.

I worked at Harrods about 15 years ago. The staff (and customers) were from a massive range of countries and spoke so many different languages. You could get a little country flag on your badge to demonstrate to customers that you could speak that native language well, so if a customer preferred to speak to someone in their own language (or if they spoke little English) there was someone who could translate.

However, it was a rule that all staff spoke English on the shopfloor unless speaking to a customer. This was to prevent other staff or customers from feeling paranoid that they were being spoken about and to be "transparent". I think it was a good idea.

OP, could you transfer teams without having to explain to the manager why? Because you're probably going to have to tell them whether you stay in the team or not. And you should; whatever language is the common language of the team, that's the one that should be spoken when around other team members who don't speak your native language.