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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Affairs

67 replies

xXOXOx · 23/05/2021 19:20

See so many people on here having affairs with men that they know are married and in long term relationships with children etc. It makes me so sad! My DF had affairs when I was younger and it really affected me growing up and I actually think it still does. I can't quite understand how people can do this to other females or their partners and not think about the poor women and children they are affectingConfused would they like it done to them? NOPE. I think it's utterly selfish and so disrespectful, not only to themselves but everyone else involved!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 23/05/2021 19:21

There are a lot of people looking for a bunfight tonight.

DrSbaitso · 23/05/2021 19:23

I'm sorry to hear about your background but your father alone is to blame for breaking his commitments to your family.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 23/05/2021 19:31

@DrSbaitso He definitely is to blame and I've never fully forgiven him for it but the OW also knew he was married with children and they both carried on knowing they would be hurting everyone involved so personally I think she was just as bad. My DP are still together now, this happens most of the time, the men end up staying with their partners. I think if people are unhappy in a relationship they should leave rather than causing unnecessary hurt on everyone.

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 23/05/2021 19:38

Each case is different and people seem to forget that men are just as complicit in affairs. If they are the one cheating, they are the one doing something wrong. Women don’t owe strangers a loyalty.

Sunflowers095 · 23/05/2021 19:42

[quote xXOXOx]@DrSbaitso He definitely is to blame and I've never fully forgiven him for it but the OW also knew he was married with children and they both carried on knowing they would be hurting everyone involved so personally I think she was just as bad. My DP are still together now, this happens most of the time, the men end up staying with their partners. I think if people are unhappy in a relationship they should leave rather than causing unnecessary hurt on everyone. [/quote]
Here's the thing OP:

People are not property. No one belongs to anyone. The commitment/relationship between your parents and the relationship of the OW and your father are two separate things.

We are allowed to love who we want/sleep with who we want. If you already committed to be faithful, doing so will have consequences. The OW didn't commit to anyone and it's not her fault the man is a cheater.

While personally I wouldn't engage in an affair because it's messy, if another woman could that easily make my partner cheat I'd rather know that's the case than know that he's faithful only because no woman would want him.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 23/05/2021 19:44

@Youngatheart00 Oh I think the men are definitely worse doing it as they are in the committed relationship but if the OW know beforehand that they are in a relationship and still go there then they should have some empathy for the other people involved and stay away, its cruel on both their parts.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 23/05/2021 19:44

I completely agree op, and it wasn't 'your father alone', it was also the women who chose to shag married men

Youngatheart00 · 23/05/2021 19:47

@xXOXOx I agree to an extent. But as another poster has said, it is the Cheater who is breaking a promise. And don’t under estimate just how emotionally manipulative men having affairs can be to the OW. It’s almost always ‘technically over’, they’re not in love, don’t sleep in the same bed, just there for the kids blah blah blah.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/05/2021 19:56

I primarily blame the men who cheat on their partners and spouses, but plenty of disdain left for the women who help them to do it, compete with the unsuspecting wife, and find that sort of abhorrent behaviour in a man really quite attractive (I assume). I don't buy the argument that ow hasn't made the wife any promises and doesn't owe her anything. Plenty of people in society that I haven't made any promises to but I wouldn't intentionally set out to hurt them.

toocold54 · 23/05/2021 19:56

Surely your DF was to blame not the OW regardless of whether she knew about you or not Confused

I know many people who have affairs both male and female - I just don’t see the point why is it worth the risk of losing everything!

TheSaucepanMan · 23/05/2021 20:02

I agree, both parties are equally to blame, I have zero respect for anyone who chooses to have an affair or embark on one knowing that at leat one of them is married. Some will try and justify it, some will tell all kinds of bullshit lies to make themselves feel better. Some blame the man only but it takes two. Both are arseholes.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 23/05/2021 20:03

The men are ultimately worse but I do agree that there’s certainly something about a woman who can knowingly shag a married man. I don’t think I could do this. I slept with a man a long time ago who told me he was single when he actually had a GF. I was gutted when she contacted me, I felt so guilty for quite a long time even though I had no idea she existed. Some women have a penchant for committed men, perhaps they have terribly low self esteem. The men are definitely the worst in the situation as PP’s have pointed out though, they are the ones with the partner/spouse and potentially children waiting for them at home after all.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 23/05/2021 20:03

@fourminutestosavetheworld Yes this is my point exactly! I just don't think I would be able to do it knowing I would be hurting someone else.

@toocold54 I'm not saying my DF wasn't to blame, yes he's to blame more, I've never properly forgiven him and it's been over 20 years but the OW is also to blame because she knew it would be hurting other people and still went ahead with it anyway.

OP posts:
woodfort · 23/05/2021 20:05

I rarely see it on MN. I don’t think this is particularly a MN “thing” is it??

Personally I’m of the view that it’s the person who has taken vows that is doing the cheating not the OW, who probably doesn’t know the wife / children and owes nothing to them. Sure it’s not particularly nice of her but that’s about it. It’s internalised misogyny to blame the OW but not the man.

toocold54 · 23/05/2021 20:12

I'm not saying my DF wasn't to blame, yes he's to blame more, I've never properly forgiven him and it's been over 20 years but the OW is also to blame because she knew it would be hurting other people and still went ahead with it anyway.

But a lot of people would say the wife is to blame too because she’s doing/not doing something at home which drove him to cheat.
It’s strange how the man can be the one in the wrong but the women tend to get or share the blame.

I feel like you’re blaming OW as that makes it more ok for you to stay with him/deal with it as it’s not all his fault which would make it hurt less. Which I don’t blame you for but I think he should be the only one to blame as he did that to you no one else.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 23/05/2021 20:28

@Thatisnotwhatisaid I 100% agree the person that's married and doing the cheating is worse. I agree. See that's different if the female doesn't know they are married etc but some people know and go ahead and do it anyway, regardless if they have low self esteem, they aren't considering what it would do to the other women that's married self esteem and feelings.

@woodfort I've saw about 3 posts in the past couple of days. Might not owe the woman and children anything because they don't know them, some people do it and they do know them but regardless, what happened to people being nice and having empathy for other people.

@toocold54 Wife is definitely not to blame, I've never heard anyone blame the wife it's happening to, I think if someone is unhappy they should leave. Most of the time it's just an ego boost for whoever is doing the cheating and they end up staying in the relationship. I'm not blaming the OW more, I blame my dad more but I just wouldn't be able to do that to anyone else and can't see it being right on anyone's part if they know.

OP posts:
fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/05/2021 20:41

I can't imagine being attracted to a man who was cheating on his wife really. What is it about a known cheat and liar that could possibly be appealing? If she's so awful, leave her and look me up then you repellent little man.

Ginger1982 · 23/05/2021 20:49

You will get loads of folk saying it's not the OW's problem, the man is the one breaking his vows etc, etc which is true, but I personally think that anyone who is the OW and doesn't give a shit about the wife and kids and thinks she has no responsibility is morally shitty herself.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/05/2021 20:52

The person that is married and doing the cheating is worse. A single person who knowingly engages in an affair with a married person is still a shitty person though.

StoneofDestiny · 23/05/2021 21:48

I can't imagine being attracted to a man who was cheating on his wife really. What is it about a known cheat and liar that could possibly be appealing? If she's so awful, leave her and look me up then you repellent little man

Exactly -
married person breaking his commitments = vile creep
Person pursuing a relationship with a vile creep = desperate vile creep.

DrSbaitso · 23/05/2021 21:57

[quote xXOXOx]@DrSbaitso He definitely is to blame and I've never fully forgiven him for it but the OW also knew he was married with children and they both carried on knowing they would be hurting everyone involved so personally I think she was just as bad. My DP are still together now, this happens most of the time, the men end up staying with their partners. I think if people are unhappy in a relationship they should leave rather than causing unnecessary hurt on everyone. [/quote]
She's not just as bad. He is much much worse. If he was faithful to your family, no woman on earth could come between you.

He made a promise, he's responsible for keeping it. Other people - women - are not the gatekeepers of his commitments.

If the OW had refused him, he would still be guilty of trying to shit on his family. Fidelity means nothing when it exists for no reason but lack of opportunity.

Sunflowers095 · 25/05/2021 17:06

[quote xXOXOx]@fourminutestosavetheworld Yes this is my point exactly! I just don't think I would be able to do it knowing I would be hurting someone else.

@toocold54 I'm not saying my DF wasn't to blame, yes he's to blame more, I've never properly forgiven him and it's been over 20 years but the OW is also to blame because she knew it would be hurting other people and still went ahead with it anyway. [/quote]
But she's not to blame. Her existence didn't hurt your family, your DF not being loyal did. If it wasn't her, he would probably cheat with someone else anyway.

A man who is loyal won't cheat regardless of the woman. A man who's going to cheat will cheat regardless of who it is with. The only person in control of whether cheating will happen or not is the man himself, therefore blaming the OW makes no sense really.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 25/05/2021 19:04

@Sunflowers095 Not saying she was to blame, I've said above I fully acknowledge it was my dads fault but you need to be a shitty person with no morals to knowingly go with a married men. I think this about any person that knows someone is in a relationship/married with children etc. I don't think very highly of people that cheat or people that knowingly go with people who are cheating.

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 25/05/2021 19:09

Do you mind me asking how you know your father had affairs.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 25/05/2021 19:18

@TwoAndAnOnion Well because I ended up with another half sibling so there was no hiding it.

OP posts: