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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother to take some notice of her grandchildren when she comes to stay

66 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 17:41

and not spend the entire (long...very long) weekend with her fat arse making a large dent in the sofa with her nose stuck in a book?

She wouldn't play games with them. Refused to read to DD2 (or hear her read) because she was reading. Wouldn't go to the park or for a walk with them.

I am bloody wondering why she bothered coming.

OP posts:
Gledhill · 17/11/2007 17:50

Did she seem down / depressed?

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 17:51

No, just completely disinterested!

OP posts:
lulumama · 17/11/2007 17:53

ask her why she bothered coming!

Gledhill · 17/11/2007 17:54

that's sad for you and your kids... definitely ask her what was up with her

ScottishMummy · 17/11/2007 17:56

was this out of character?what is she usually like to you & the children?sad

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 17:56

Oh yes, that's a good idea, Lulumama. But she is currently making me feel very guilty that she's not coming to us for Christmas and is full of the "Don't you worry about me. I shall be quite alright on my own at Christmas. It comes to something when your own daughter won't even have you for Christmas. Oh yes." (insert indignant sniff at this point)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 17:57

She usually ignores them. This was nothing new.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 17/11/2007 17:58

sounds like she s trying to punish you, exert emotional pressure. has she got the hump about not coming to you at xmas

bigwombat · 17/11/2007 18:01

Do you think your Mum enjoyed being a Mum to you? Or did she find the whole thing boring?! Sounds like she is not that interested in children tbh. Reminds me of my parents a bit - if they come to visit, they don't want to do anything much with the children, just sit around, eat, drink and watch TV!

karen999 · 17/11/2007 18:03

That sounds awful. Do the kids ask her to do things with them or do you ask her?? It may be that she feels that she is not valued? I know this may sound crazy but people (especially grand parents) can sometimes find it difficult to establish 'roles'....if you know what I mean???

lulumama · 17/11/2007 18:03

sounds like if she did come to you at Xmas, she would sit on the sofa and expect to be waited on

sometimes grandparents have differing ideas from the parents as to what is expected of them

bigwombat · 17/11/2007 18:03

Or does she feel that she has done her childrearing and now wants to be an adult - I get the impression there are certainly grandparents like that who are enjoying their 'me' time. You would still think they could cope with some child-interaction for a short time though.

Gledhill · 17/11/2007 18:03

argh emotional manipulation... why do people think it works? just makes you want to spend less time with them!
do you have any siblings who can support you with your mum?

pigleto · 17/11/2007 18:04

You can't make her into a perfect involved and loving grandma. I think it is time to lower your expectations and be bloody glad that she isn't coming for christmas.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 18:05

They do ask her to play games, but she usually says "in a minute" and then doesn't. On the one occasion she did agree to play Uno, she refused to play after two minutes as she said that DD2 was cheating!

Lulumama - do you know her?!

OP posts:
karen999 · 17/11/2007 18:09

In that case I would just tell her what you are thinking. Ask her why she comes to visit if all she does is sit on the sofa and read...surely she can do this in her own home!! Tell her you and the kids love to see her but that you are finding it hard to explain to the kids why she appears disinterested!!

karen999 · 17/11/2007 18:10

What was she like with you when you were growing up? Did she spend time with you??

clam · 17/11/2007 18:11

DH and I usually run a sweepstake as to how long it will be after arrival before one of them opens the newspaper or starts the corssword. My dad's record was 10 minutes.

lulumama · 17/11/2007 18:12

i know people like her ! eternal victims / martyrs. not great to be about, very draining

i agree with what karen999 has said

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 18:12

I'm an only child and was left to my own devices a lot of the time. She did play tennis with me when I was a bit older though!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 18:15

I like the idea of a sweepstake, Clam! But I think I will ask her why she doesn't interact with them more.

She gets me to buy their Christmas and birthday presents from her as well, or they get a crappy book from the garden centre next door to where she lives.

She's really not very interested, is she?

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 17/11/2007 18:15

This is what PIL do when they stay.

  1. Sit.
  2. Turn on TV.
  3. Be fed.

Then they go home.

lulumama · 17/11/2007 18:16

the question is why is she not interested

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 18:16

Oh I'm glad I'm not alone!

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 17/11/2007 18:17

MrsSchadenfreude shame your mum is acting the goat, she is missing out on fun times. prioritise your family needs and don't let her manipulate a situation.maybe try a time limited visit for her next time , see if that can encourage good behavior/interest

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