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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother to take some notice of her grandchildren when she comes to stay

66 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 17:41

and not spend the entire (long...very long) weekend with her fat arse making a large dent in the sofa with her nose stuck in a book?

She wouldn't play games with them. Refused to read to DD2 (or hear her read) because she was reading. Wouldn't go to the park or for a walk with them.

I am bloody wondering why she bothered coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 18:18

I don't know why. She is very self absorbed, bitter, intolerant and "pity me". She has fallen out with most of her friends and has told her brothers that once their mother is dead, she won't see them again as she won't bother to make the journey up to London to see them.

OP posts:
karen999 · 17/11/2007 18:19

I think perhaps that she may feel uncomfortable - ie, she may not know how to 'interact' with children so young and she may feel pressure because you are there and watching!! She has to get in touch with her 'inner child!!!'

It may be worth pretending that you are ill one of the times that she visits. Ask her to take them out for a walk...even if it is only for 20 minutes....she may feel that she does not know them well enough and dare I say it she may be scared and nervous!!!

Reading a book is a way of hiding and not recognsing what is going on around her. The fact that she does visit (IMO) means that she wants to be part of your family.....she may be finding it difficult and I know that this is shit for you.....but sometimes you have to end up being a mum to your own parents!!!!

Hekete · 17/11/2007 18:19

Think that when she moaned about not coming for Christmas, I'd be saying "I thought you'd be relieved. Christmas is for families and you don't take a blind bit of notice of mine."

But then, I'm confrontational.

lulumama · 17/11/2007 18:20

what karen said !

ScottishMummy · 17/11/2007 18:27

indeed fact she does visit indicates an interest, she just can not articulate or express her needs to you. you may have to smile graciously through gritted Teeth. maybe send her a thank you card for visiting- bit of praise and stroking might do the trick. and time limit her visits so they are not too tedious

Dropdeadfred · 17/11/2007 18:41

I'd say what hekete said....

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 17/11/2007 21:04

I'm not that brave!

OP posts:
MuffinMclay · 17/11/2007 22:03

Sounds just like my MIL!

Sidge · 17/11/2007 22:48

Is your mother my mother??

Mine is so self-absorbed it's not funny. She bangs on about how little she sees us, then when she is here she bloody ignores her grandchildren in favour of Corrie/Eastenders/going outside for a cigarette/chatting about herself......

Grrrr. I sympathise MrsS.

clam · 18/11/2007 10:21

My friend says the only time her dad interacts with his grandchildren is when he tells them to shift out of the way coz they're blocking his view of the telly!

chocchipcookie · 18/11/2007 12:21

Can you tell us what she was reading?

I think you are all being totally unreasonable. Leave the poor woman alone. I would rather read a good book than play with young kids any day.

Seriously, I know lots of older people who just find the noise and energy of young children gets on their nerves. Maybe she is getting more out of being around you than you realize even though she's not participating. She's not obliged to do anything...

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2007 13:17

Why ome and visit gc's if she doesn't want to participate..why visit at all?

LyraSilvertongue · 18/11/2007 13:30

If she's going to read a book the whole time she may as well be at home.

scrummymummy1965 · 18/11/2007 13:33

I must be really lucky with my Mum & Dad. They play with both DS's, are very happy to hear them read especially if they know they are doing me a favour if we have to get a book out of the way for school and last minute homework or testing spellings.

My parents stay over with us when they come and they have boys in bed with them on a Sunday morning playing cards, top trumps, eye spy so that DH and I get a lie in. In fact DS's ask them what is the earliest time they can come in to their bedroom 'cos they love being with them. In the summer Dad borrowed DH's bike and they went for bike rides around the village.

Now my MIL was a different story - another time perhaps.....

Niecie · 18/11/2007 13:47

My MIL is a bit like this (and my FIL too although he is does talk to them a bit about their dog etc). She just doesn't seem to be able to relate to the children at all. She can't make a conversation with them or play along with DS2's complicated imaginary games.

I wouldn't mind but she goes on about how she misses them as they live 270 miles away and only sees the boys once in a blue moon, but I think she likes the idea of grandchildren more than the reality.

I suppose their behaviour is more marked as my Mum pays them so much attention that often when I go to see my parents I don't get to talk to them because they are playing with the boys. Still, at least I can sit on the sofa in peace and read the paper then.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/11/2007 13:58

Regarding christmas, why dont you just tell her that you dont want to see your kids upset at Christmas because their granny is avoiding playing or interacting with them! Ask her to look at her own behaviour on this trip, say it is making you and your kids upset, and you really can do without that for Christmas.

pointydog · 18/11/2007 14:01

how old and how fit is she? has this been said already?

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 18/11/2007 14:49

Sidge - that is her to a "T". Moans that she never sees us, then makes everyone shut up while she watches Corrie/Eastenders/Holby City etc. Moans that her brothers never come to see her - but then she never invites them (or us!) to come down for lunch/a weekend. It's as if the world owes her one. I get a long litany of all her woes and who's not speaking to her etc etc (and the list gets longer every week, it seems), how she can't come to us such and such weekend because she has a place booked on the minibus to go to Asda on the Friday, and Eileen has saved her a place and if she doesn't go then Eileen might not save her a place again.

Pointydog - she is 73, but very fit and active and has all her marbles.

OP posts:
pointydog · 18/11/2007 17:27

I do think age can play a big part, though. Over 70 and a lot of people become cantankerous, rather irritated with the world, more stubborn etc. Mil and her sister have become much more like that.

chocchipcookie · 18/11/2007 19:29

I think it's outrageous that she's being expected to behave in a certain way by people on this thread - when most mn's would have a fit if anyone told them to behave in a particular way.

So, she doesn't fit the stereotype of a doting granny. That's her choice. Why don't you just accept her the way she is because it doesn't sound like she's
going to change. Maybe she feels pressured to join in and that makes her even more cantankerous.

There must be some good in her, focus on that.

I think I will end up exactly like this lady and God help anyone who interrupts my TV schedule.

Dropdeadfred · 18/11/2007 19:55

chocchipcookie - lets hope you stay at home with your tv then and leave your children and grandchildren to enjoy family life

dorawannabe · 18/11/2007 20:47

She sounds just like my mother and sister, both turn up, take root on the sofa, wait to be fed and then leave. This is exactly why they're not invited for Christmas.
I would limit her visits. For your own happiness.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 18/11/2007 22:04

I don't expect a doting granny, Chocchip. But if she moans about never seeing her grandchildren - which she does - it might be nice to at least acknowledge their presence. But no - it's arse on sofa, nose in book, and constant "requests" for cups of tea - "Oh you could die of thirst around here."

If you end up like her then, yes, like dropdeadfred, I'd suggest you stay at home with your telly, and you can suck your teeth and mutter about the youth of today having no consideration for the old as well.

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 18/11/2007 22:39

When I'm 74 I'll be entitled to moan all day except for breaks to pay my Sky Subscription and toddle down to the mobile library.

She's clearly not child-friendly. Some women aren't, it's not a bloody crime. My point is to accept that. I'm not saying it's nice for you or the way things you would like to be but if you expect any different from her, particularly as you say she didn't do much with you when you were little, then you're going to get wound up every time she comes.

Dropdeadfred · 19/11/2007 09:13

Next time she asks to ome say 'Oh mum, wouldn't you rather be at home - you know the dc's will want you tpo play with them and you'll miss your soaps/book reading et?'

Then say 'we don't invite you that often as you never seem very happy here'

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