To expect my mother to take some notice of her grandchildren when she comes to stay

[MrsSchadenfreude]

and not spend the entire (long...very long) weekend with her fat arse making a large dent in the sofa with her nose stuck in a book?

She wouldn't play games with them. Refused to read to DD2 (or hear her read) because she was reading. Wouldn't go to the park or for a walk with them.

I am bloody wondering why she bothered coming.

why are you entitled to moan when you're 74? Just wondering. Is there an age at which the entitlement begin?

At any age you run the risk that if you perpetually moan, people will begin to leave you alone as thats what it seems would make you (and them) happy. If that isn't what you want, then stop moaning. If it is what you want, moan away.

Good God. Turn it around.

'My mother says I can only visit at Chrsitmas if I promise to interact cheerfully with Dad, dig the allotment and help him paint the shed. Oh and I can't watch my favourite TV programme, I have to help him with the Daily Mail big crossword. If not I can stay at home because they'll be upset.'

Leave her alone!

omg your mother, my mother.

My mum loves dd5 but just doesnt seem comfortable with her.

Even her dh said to me a few months back, 'your mumm she's not at ease around (dd's name) is she'

I was really taken aback, but realsied he was right!!! They live abroad, so dont see dd much anyway. Yet my mum was always a bit lazy with us, when it came to playing etc...

I have 2 friends whose mums are like this, just don't bother. Its a weird one.

Chochipcookie....this has hit a nerve with you hasn't it?

I think if i visited my parents with the full intention of ignoring them, watching tv they didn't want to watch and aving my head in a book and not engaging them in conversation they would be well within their rights to be upset and disappointed in me...and I wouldn't expect a regular invite.
I wouldn't expect to treat anyone like that!
BTW i hardly think that listening to your grandchild read or doing a puzzle is the same kind of physical exhertion as painting a shed or mowing the lawn!

lol chocchip! Ideally shouldn't there be a middle ground where everyone gives and takes a little? I don't think anyone has the right to be completely selfish if they have made the decision earlier in life to have children. Being a reasonable parent involves supporting your own children when they themselves become parents. Similarly being reasonable children involves having regard for your parents' needs in their later years. It can be hard to live up to but I don't think the OP is unfair to expect her mother to try a bit harder.

Snap pirategirl (gawd you're not my sister are you ???)

Sadly although i'd love a cuddly mum type, its never going to happen

I see my parents once a year when they come back to England for their opticians appointments and to do there banking (note NOT to see there children/grandchildren)

Ho hum

(You're not being unreasonable but I suspect you you know that!)

It depends on the puzzle and whether you are being made to miss Holby City to listen to Spot the Dog?

Chochip..I know you must have your tongue in your heek...

But I do hope you will warn your children how antisocial and unaffectionate you plan to be to their beloved offspring...

Only if I'm still talking to them.

OK, Chocchip - when I went home for Christmas (as an adult), I was expected to help cook the dinner - peel all the veg, put crosses in the bottom of the sprouts, clean the kitchen, bathroom and sitting room, ready for the family to come round. While she sat on her arse on the sofa getting pissed.

And she used to make me pay for the "pleasure" of going home "As you've been here for five days, and have used electricity, we'll have fifty quid off you for the bills please."

I am genuinely sorry that you have such a difficult time with your mother. It doesn't sound as if there's much warmth there. And the lack of interaction with your children is really a symptom of an underlying lack of involvement that's been there for a long time?

My point is that people are what they are and the chances of her changing are close to zero. So either invite her and expect it to be the way it always has been or don't invite her.

You are the one who is getting stressed here, not her by the sounds of it. She's sounds quite happy in her own unhappy way if you see what I mean.

My problem is with the whole 'if you want to come you must do x,y, z' approach - which I am not saying is yours personally. I think putting those type of conditions on any relationship is very unattractive.

Especially with old people I think it's a lot less stressful in the long run to accept them as they are rather than try to change their behaviour.

yaddyule I am laffing here!

My mum's reason for not coming home to spend xmas with me, dd and my sis (who could be you!) is that they promised to look after their friends dogs earlier in the year, without 'thinking'.

what without it registering that the friends were coming to the uk for xmas, and that it was in fact XMAS?

i too only see them when they come home for med appts, and I am also the person who has thier post sent here.

omg mrsshadenfreude,

just read your last post. is your mother married to my mothers dh?

I too used to get charged for being home during holidays!!!

my mother's dh is a tight ass. he left her last year, and for about 6 months my mum was back to normal. She came here to me and stayed, i didn't ask for any electric tho pmsl.

They got back together and bingo, mum's just a blob.

Mrs. S - if her drinking is or was part of the problem have you ever googled or looked at books for Adult Children of Alcoholics?

jeeez, being charged? that is terrible!!

omg mrsschadenfreude.
I am impressed that you've managed to keep relations going this long!