FIL buying house for siblings except Dh

[mummysden]

I will try keep this short to avoid any drip feed.

FIL has been tight with his money all his life, sent most money back home while his children wore second hand clothes. No treats not even a ice cream from the ice cream van was allowed because family back home needed money!

Well fast forward 30 years. FIL sold some land back home and it totalled up to around £250,000.

Fil has gave BIL and SIL £125,000 each to help them buy a house / put a substantial amount towards a house etc.
His reasoning behind not giving DH any or the 4th sibling (sil who is 12) Because I inherited a house a few years ago.

Also he has paid for BiL wedding and always helps them while me and my DH had a reception wedding because at the time we couldn't afford a proper wedding.

It gets even better, because my dh is the eldest, at some point we are expected to financially support them in old age and potentially have them live with us. Dh told him to save money for himself in the future and my youngest SIL who is only 12. As we will be expected to financially support the little SIL too! And FIL reasoning is we can sell my inherited house and buy a much bigger house for everyone able to live in! I've said no to this and it seems it infuriated FiL more as he said "well it's not my job to support myself so youse will have to work harder"

Also whenever there is a cost, fil will ask the siblings for money, but that often means we take money from our savings to help, but FIL is richer than us all. His reasoning again is "well I don't wanna spend my savings on day to day things" then why should we! It's got to the point I've stopped sharing finances because I'm not having my hard worked money go towards his family anymore.

Dh is really upset at this and doesn't even want to discuss them at old age but BIL says it's only fair as I have a house already and it wouldn't be fair for us to have two houses?

Aibu?

Yanbu at all

I hope your dh is on the same page as you.

I can't believe they are dragging your inheritance into this.

I'd say "having this family to deal with, don't count on me still being married to your son/brother whatever. Don't count my chickens

Then get your dh to withdraw this sounds unbelievably toxic, messy and dreadful and whatever the expectations are, it's not what they are to you.

I hope your DH is with you on this or you are going to have a long and miserable older age, always arguing about his family and trying to protect your family assets.

FIL and BIL sound utterly batshit!

There would be zero money going towards that side of the family if I were you. Nor would I be looking to help with future care etc.

Sounds like your DH is conditioned to accept this is how things are through so you may have a fight on your hands to get backing. Protect your own money at the very least.

I think he should have kept the money for his care in later life. Gifting two of four children is wrong but I can see why he wouldn’t want to buy a second property for someone.

You comment re not having a proper wedding is wrong though. The vows are what makes a marriage not the party. If you wanted a bigger party you could have saved for it.

It all seems very money oriented. I’d just distance myself from it.

I think YABU about the house. If you all ready have a house why do you need 2? That's grabby.

YANBU about not wanting to share finances and I would make it absolutely clear that you are not taking them in when they're old.

Wow. There is a lot going on here.
But yanbu

• Where is the mother of the 12 yo sibling?
• What are your SIL and BILs position on this? Do they think your DH should be "responsible" to provide for FIL?
• Do they know your DH is not getting anything? And they think it's okay?
• Are you and your husband close with them?

@Poptart4

I think YABU about the house. If you all ready have a house why do you need 2? That's grabby.

YANBU about not wanting to share finances and I would make it absolutely clear that you are not taking them in when they're old.

I think it's because we are expected to have them live with us in the next 10 years or so.

My house is a 3 bedroom House that can happily accommodate me, dh and our two toddlers for indefinite.

Fil expects us to sell my house, then we will have to add extra money and gain a massive mortgage to buy a bigger house to then accommodate him, mil and little SiL

Dear husband, over your dead body is any of your family coming to live with us, even if we live in a mansion and they have their very own wing. If any money goes from us to them because they are too tight to spend their own money, you will be going to live with them. Signed your wife.

Sorted.

What FIL expects and what FIL gets is up to you. I certainly wouldn't put myself out for him. Let BIL look after him.

So you say no to taking on a bigger mortgage and having them live with you. Noone can force you to take on a mortgage. Make that very clear now so that they can plan accordingly. If he has given money to his other DCs he may feel he has more of a claim on their finances. If i were you I would be grateful that you owe him nothing and therefore have no obligation to support him later on.

I don't think it is necessarily unreasonable to give 2 out of the 4 children money to help if they need it most. Sometimes giving to those who really need it rather than making sure the split is equal is ok IMO however that really would depend on various circumstances.

Make sure your dh knows that under no circumstances will you or him be supporting your pil or other family members.

That all sounds really shitty and unfair.

I would be clear with your expectations now that they will not be living with you so they can start thinking of an alternate plan/

You have a husband problem here because clearly they are assuming certain cultural things will go ahead when it should be a flat out no.

There’s no issue with him helping his other kids on the property ladder, I think that’s understandable. But you need to talk to your husband about drawing this saga to a close. If you left him, you’d have your inherited house and not have to deal with his family. So he needs to beat that deal...

This happened to a friend of mine. She was married with one DD and another on the way. Her wealthy PIL moved in with them and expected to be supported. They refused to spend any of their own money. Or do anything around the house in spite of them not working and my friend and her DH working full-time. My friend was treated like a domestic and financial slave.

I didn’t see her after she went on Mat Leave, but I often think about her.

OP, just because it is traditional, doesn’t mean you have to do it. Don’t take their money, but equally don’t take them in either.

Are there cultural elements at play here? If I were you, I would be telling my H he can think again if he thinks I’m paying for his little sister and his parents, and I would laugh him out of the place if he thinks they’re moving in.

Even if they don't feel your dh needs a share of the money, surely they should have kept some for the youngest dc?
Or offered you money in the hope you'd buy the bigger house? They can't be that old if they have a 12 year old!
Were you on board with looking after them in old age prior to this?
There are ways to help look after someone that don't involve living with them!
You describe him as tight but he wasn't keeping money to himself when younger, he was sending it (I assume to his parents) and when he got a windfall he's dividing it up straight away, not keeping it.

@Voomster953

Are there cultural elements at play here? If I were you, I would be telling my H he can think again if he thinks I’m paying for his little sister and his parents, and I would laugh him out of the place if he thinks they’re moving in.

I think because I'm not from the culture it has influenced his decisions a lot.

Dh has told him, if he continues to make comments (whole other story) about mixed raced children not being as intelligent as full breeds (his words) then he can expect for an outsider not to look after him etc.

BIL has his own business (funded by fil) and is ready to buy a house, he openly admitted that his share of money will go towards a new business or a buy to let house.

SIL also has a beauty salon funded by FIL and her husband got a off license bought by FIL.

Literally my dh has literally been punished since marrying me.

Mil just enables fil.

Lockdown was beautiful because we didn't see them once but now the shit starts

You can’t expect a handout from FIL. But equally he can’t expect a handout from you. That money (or at least some of it) of FIL’s should have been put aside for his care later in life. Absolute stupidity to distribute his wealth and not leave enough to support himself.

They can expect all they want. Do not let them move into your house. Certainly don't buy a bigger house so they can move in!
And stop giving them money.

The house is irrelevant; you have one, you don't need one. Be thankful, actually, because it makes going forward easier.

Tell your DH your FIL will NEVER be living with you and your family. NEVER. And you will not be selling your home to accommodate him in any way, and you will not be providing financial support for him in future.

He had money; he gave it to your DH's siblings. His problem if he doesn't have money to live on going ahead. He can live with one of his other children.

If your DH doesn't agree, tell him he can leave and set up house with his dad somewhere. His choice.

The two houses thing is a daft comment. Surely you'd look at buying a bigger house, not a second house?

They are actually doing you a favour! You have no guilt to make you feel like you need to support them in their old age. There are two other children. If they want the support for FIL, MIL and SIL then they are perfectly entitled to do it.

@Mistressiggi

Even if they don't feel your dh needs a share of the money, surely they should have kept some for the youngest dc? Or offered you money in the hope you'd buy the bigger house? They can't be that old if they have a 12 year old! Were you on board with looking after them in old age prior to this? There are ways to help look after someone that don't involve living with them! You describe him as tight but he wasn't keeping money to himself when younger, he was sending it (I assume to his parents) and when he got a windfall he's dividing it up straight away, not keeping it.

He would send money to everyone, siblings etc, he supported his nephews in buying businesses abroad but dh has always been left out.

It's really strange. I think DH has always been the rebel and not obeying his parents in the way their culture expects them to. And then marrying me is like a nail in the coffin.

I always expected to help care for ageing parents (mine includes) but since making derogatory comments about white people, how my children are less intelligent than SIL and BiL because their mixed (my children are 9 months and 2 years old lol) I am starting to take a whole different stance and honestly would be happy to never see him again

OP - you are soooo going to be looking after your inlaws.

Get out now, because your DH is not so dear if he is continuing a relationship with the mixed race comments and he has not said NO either.

You have a DH problem.

They sound utterly toxic and if my in-laws dared to speak about my DC the same way they speak about yours, they’d never see them again leave alone share a house with them. Over my dead body.

They’re also extremely grabby to think they’re entitled to tell you what to do with your inherited property.