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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL buying house for siblings except Dh

51 replies

mummysden · 23/05/2021 11:14

I will try keep this short to avoid any drip feed.

FIL has been tight with his money all his life, sent most money back home while his children wore second hand clothes. No treats not even a ice cream from the ice cream van was allowed because family back home needed money!

Well fast forward 30 years. FIL sold some land back home and it totalled up to around £250,000.

Fil has gave BIL and SIL £125,000 each to help them buy a house / put a substantial amount towards a house etc.
His reasoning behind not giving DH any or the 4th sibling (sil who is 12) Because I inherited a house a few years ago.

Also he has paid for BiL wedding and always helps them while me and my DH had a reception wedding because at the time we couldn't afford a proper wedding.

It gets even better, because my dh is the eldest, at some point we are expected to financially support them in old age and potentially have them live with us. Dh told him to save money for himself in the future and my youngest SIL who is only 12. As we will be expected to financially support the little SIL too! And FIL reasoning is we can sell my inherited house and buy a much bigger house for everyone able to live in! I've said no to this and it seems it infuriated FiL more as he said "well it's not my job to support myself so youse will have to work harder"

Also whenever there is a cost, fil will ask the siblings for money, but that often means we take money from our savings to help, but FIL is richer than us all. His reasoning again is "well I don't wanna spend my savings on day to day things" then why should we! It's got to the point I've stopped sharing finances because I'm not having my hard worked money go towards his family anymore.

Dh is really upset at this and doesn't even want to discuss them at old age but BIL says it's only fair as I have a house already and it wouldn't be fair for us to have two houses?

Aibu?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 11:57

Not that I think FIL's intention to move in with you is remotely ok (although if it's cultural you need to make sure your dh is on your side...), but presumably he intends to sell his own property to enable you to buy a joint bigger place?
Why do you think you'll be asked to radically increase your mortgage?
Your dh's intentions are crucial, obviously.

Oldraver · 23/05/2021 12:00

Well if he's gifting massive amounts of money to some siblings then they won't be tied with a mortgage so can finance FIL ..... right ?

Wizzbangfizz · 23/05/2021 12:04

Over my cold dead body would I be having them move in! Appalling, and the comments on your children alone would have me cut him out!

LakieLady · 23/05/2021 12:05

he continues to make comments (whole other story) about mixed raced children not being as intelligent as full breeds (his words)

Fucking hell, FIL sounds like a complete shit. And he expects to live with you in his old age? Sod that.

And he's clearly not intelligent enough to see that his toxic attitude could well scupper his retirement plans, is he, despite being a "full breed"?

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 23/05/2021 12:09

He's not being unreasonable to not buy you a house or pay for your wedding, it's up to him what he spends his money on. However, it is unreasonable of him to expect you to take care of the family in his old age

caringcarer · 23/05/2021 12:12

It sounds like a culture clash. Your fil expects to be cared for by we eldest son as probably tradition. Your DH has shown.he can stand up to his Dad by marrying you. If fil makes derogatory comments about children keep them away from him as he will be toxic for them. You have separated your finances from your DH, which is sensible. Even more sensible not to tell fil you have inherited a house. Better to let him think you rent it. Don't share any more financial information with dh's family. Ask your DH to keep financial I formation private. I would be telling DH whilst you may be prepared to cook a meal and send over on a plate to inlaws as they get older you won't be having them live with you. I actually believe the poor 12 year old sil will end up having to look after her parents in old age and if this happened I would hope you and DH helps her escape this fate. By not taking money from fil you have escaped any obligation to his future care. He does not sound selfish though if he sent money home to his parents and siblings and nephews and nieces and now sharing money with 2 of his children. Just a different culture and expectations.

Original poster
mummysden · 23/05/2021 12:19

@GreyhoundG1rl

Not that I think FIL's intention to move in with you is remotely ok (although if it's cultural you need to make sure your dh is on your side...), but presumably he intends to sell his own property to enable you to buy a joint bigger place? Why do you think you'll be asked to radically increase your mortgage? Your dh's intentions are crucial, obviously.
He currently lives in a council house in a desirable area in London . And he wants to buy with discount. And then sell it, (it is valued at half a million) and then buy land back home.

It's a lot bigger than our property, so we did offer a few years back, when that time comes, we would be happy to buy it and then we can build a annexe in the back. But he said no.

I think dh will be onboard with me tbh because as time goes on, he sees how ridiculous fil is.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/05/2021 12:25

I would cut ties with this toxic racist now. Make it abundantly clear you will not be living with him at any point.

Sunflowers095 · 23/05/2021 12:25

You have a DH problem. I'd tell my parents my siblings will be looking after them, since they were given way more resource to comfortably do so.

jakesmommy · 23/05/2021 12:25

Disgusting that he is so prejudice because your husband married someone from another culture, and to call your children what he did is disgusting, he sounds racist.

ScrollingLeaves · 23/05/2021 12:26

It sounds as though FIL’s overwhelming motive in not sharing things out with your family is racist against you.

It doesn’t sound as if the usual culture norms in regard to traditional generational family loyalty apply to his thinking in your case, or as the eldest son, with whom he hopes to live, he might have asked to pay to get a bigger house with you. ( I am only guessing though as I am not from this culture which I know can be admirable in regard to family.)

This whole position sounds horrible. Probably you husband does not know where to begin. He has already shown independence against this tyrant when he married you though.

Maybe he could say outright that your inherited house is yours and your children’s and is not big. If he wants to live with you he will have to match you to get a bigger house and there will have to be secure legal arrangements in place to safeguard you and the children.

But he would have to stop all his horrible half-cast remarks and attitude if he is to live in your house. In fact is it even worth the risk?

He has had his chance to show remorse since your marriage surely.

Would your husband be brave enough to just leave the family and say ‘No more of this’?

Or, alternatively, would you consider leaving him?

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 12:26

Jesus! Who is all this land back home for?

OwlTwitterings · 23/05/2021 12:30

So when you tell FIL that you are likely to divorce DH so there won’t be a house or money for his retirement, how does he view that?

Ohhyeahright · 23/05/2021 12:41

Hahahahaha no. To all of this. No.

I’d leave my husband if he was to entertain a second of this.

Medievalist · 23/05/2021 12:43

Surely you have your reason to cut ties completely? No way would I be in the same room as someone who made racist comments about my children.

Iwonder08 · 23/05/2021 12:44

You need to explain to your husband that nobody is allowed to make derogatory racist remarks about your children. The money situation is just FIL's way to express his displeasure with his son marrying a white woman. See what he says, you need him to be on board. He should be the one telling FIL why he is not going to allow him near the grandkids (surely you don't want a racist near them?) and how he needs to plan for his own care in old age.
If your husband is not on board I would seriously consider my options, including divorce

Pugdogmom · 23/05/2021 12:48

What's your husband saying about this? Is he prepared to tell his family to do one?

whattodo2019 · 23/05/2021 12:51

Despite family traditions there is no way i would automatically accept elderly relatives living with me especially if they aren't sharing early inheritance fairly... Bloody load of crap....

HeckyPeck · 23/05/2021 12:59

There would be zero money going towards that side of the family if I were you. Nor would I be looking to help with future care etc.

Same here. And I would make it very clear to my DH that you won't ever agree to sell your home or live with them and if it comes to the crunch and he wants to do that then we'd have to go our separate ways.

No way in hell would I have someone with such file views about your own children living in the same house as them.

Nor would I agree to any further financial support for them. This would be my response:

FIL: I need money for rent/bills/whatever
Me: Sorry, we aren't able to help. You should ask SIL/BIL to help you out of the money you gave them.

I think you should have a talk with your DH before the subject comes up again to make it clear what your views are and try to get on the same page.

WaterBottle123 · 23/05/2021 13:11

Can you divorced but remain together to protect your house from FIL?

Honestly I've heard worse plans

Whythesadface · 23/05/2021 13:13

I think time your DH sees he is being used.
Tell FIL it is time to move with the times and his free drive is over.
Lie and say your broke.
Honestly and that he won't get to live with you.

Friendofdennis · 23/05/2021 13:51

When you married your husband did he explain about the expectations of women in his culture? Does he have those expectations too ?I feel really sorry for you as you are stuck in a situation where you and your husband are being punished because he went against ‘cultural expectations’ in marrying you. I can’t see any good thing for you in this situation. Not only has your husband been punished by being overlooked financially when his siblings have been helped, but you are being lined up to look after and house the in- laws. You really need to stand up for yourself now and out distance between them and you. Don’t let their cultural norms make you a servant

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2021 14:13

I honestly don’t know how this stuff doesn’t come up before a marriage.

Why would you marry into a family where you’re hated?

Where you children are abused in this way?

Where you husband won’t stand up for you?

It’s insane. Surely you knew what they were like before getting married? I couldn’t entertain marrying into a family like that.

Notaroadrunner · 23/05/2021 14:24

You do realise you don't have to see them or have anything to do with them even now that lockdown is over. They are vile in the way they have spoken about your children and your Dh should be ashamed to have anything to do with them. If he wants to visit them, so be it, but I'd be very vocal to them that they will never be moving into your house and that you have zero intention of selling your house. You don't owe them anything. If your Dh has any notion of helping them when they are older, you need to rethink your future with him.

LittleOwl153 · 23/05/2021 15:33

You say you have separated finances from DH. Please say you have protected the inherited house from his families clutches...

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