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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car Seat Drama

59 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 09:59

I've had yet another massive row with DH and he's sloped off to his mothers. He thinks I've caused this over nothing- regardless his shouting and storming off leaving me with 3 kids puts him firmly in the wrong, but I'm interested to see if others agree I made a mountain out of a molehill to begin with.

So on Friday afternoon I went for my covid vaccine, leaving DH home with our 2yo who was asleep. It was raining when I came out so he offered to come and pick me up, but when he arrived he had moved our toddlers seat to the front seat, forward facing. This is a longstanding issue- he "doesnt understand" extended rear facing- I've sent him research and crash test videos but he doesn't want to know. However, the chemist is only around the corner so other than one comment I didnt make an issue of it.

Saturday morning we were supposed to be visiting his grandparents which is an hours drive away. He was still in bed at 11.30, hungover, and the younger kids were ready for a nap so I was trying to get him up. I asked him to move the car seat back into place so I could get the kids settled in the car while he showered and he said "its fine where it is." I told him it absolutely wasn't fine for a long drive like that and that we weren't getting in the car with him unless he moved it. It escalated from there into him telling me I have "no say" as I cant drive then shouting at me and slamming the bathroom door in my face, at which point I put the kids in the pram and went out for a walk to get them down for their naps.

Hes now gone and won't be in touch for a week unless he needs something from the house. Absolutely sick of it and his reaction was completely disproportionate but was I OTT over the car seat? I can be anxious about the kids at times but I really don't think a (very small) 2 year old should be in the front seat of a car, especially facing forwards. AIBU?

OP posts:
SharpLily · 23/05/2021 10:03

I think there are so many issues here apart from the car seat! I don't tend to use the Mumsnet special 'LTB' but this relationship seems to need some serious reconsideration. He sounds like a manipulative, drunken bully. Presumably there's a bit more to the relationship than that? If not then I think the car seat is just a red herring.

mainsfed · 23/05/2021 10:03

YANBU. He is sulking at his mum’s for a week, leaving you with 3 kids?

Tell the twat to stay at his mum’s for good and start driving lessons if you can.

What is the housing situation and do you have family support?

Liverbird77 · 23/05/2021 10:04

You are totally and utterly in the right here.
What an arsehole!

SharpLily · 23/05/2021 10:05

Oh, and you are correct, the two year old should not be forward facing yet (it's legal but it's far from the safest option) and saying he doesn't 'understand' rear facing makes him sound pretty thick as well as generally unpleasant.

OwlinaTree · 23/05/2021 10:05

I think I'd have just moved it myself tbh.

'Can I have the car keys so I can move dd's car seat?'

He does sound like he wants to be right about everything though.

Coldhandscoldheart · 23/05/2021 10:05

Had he turned off the front air bag?

LividBlabber · 23/05/2021 10:07

Lots of issues here, but:

You’re right about the car seat
You need to leave him
Get driving lessons so you’re never beholden to twats like him again

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/05/2021 10:07

Who has the opportunity to be hung over when they have 3 kids?

Stop enabling him and change the locks.

MrsWhites · 23/05/2021 10:08

Not out of order at all, why even bother to move the seat to the front in the first place?

Why won’t he be in contact for a week? He sounds like an idiot to be honest OP.

Do yourself a favour and learn to drive, then you won’t have to rely on him in the future!

Howshouldibehave · 23/05/2021 10:10

Why won’t he be in touch for a week? Did you not go to his grandparents? Why is he now at his mother’s?

He sounds like an arse!

nomorehiccups · 23/05/2021 10:10

He sounds pathetic. Flouncing back to his Mum? A man child.

Mellonsprite · 23/05/2021 10:11

Change the locks whilst he’s gone. When he finds out you’ve done it, just say he had left you.

Brokenrecord3006 · 23/05/2021 10:11

I do think you've overreacted a bit, but then I've never come across a rear-facing 2 year old in real life (away from mumsnet). Although I wouldn't put a young child in the front seat.

I don't think it's okay that he was in bed at nearly midday with a hangover however, he should have been up and dealing with it and giving you a hand.

MinniMooC · 23/05/2021 10:12

So. He thinks being a dad means he can just "check out" for a week? He basically can't be arsed to ensure his daughter's safety. He sounds like a shit father and a shit husband.

What are his good qualities and are they enough to waste your energy on further?

I bet he's awful in a lot of other ways - good husbands and fathers don't act like this as a one off incident.

DDiva · 23/05/2021 10:15

Regardless of whether you were being overcatious about the car seat, that's a massive overreaction.

Why does he think it's ok to disappear and leave the family home for a week because of a disagreement?

Alexapissoff · 23/05/2021 10:19

It amazes me how many men’s mothers put up with this shit.

My son is 19, and if this was him in the future and he turned up at my door leaving his wife and children because he’d had a stop, I’d laugh in his face and tell him to grow up and get back to his responsibilities. I’d be livid.

Alexapissoff · 23/05/2021 10:19

*strop, not stop

lockdownalli · 23/05/2021 10:19

He sounds like a total arsehole.

I would be rethinking this whole relationship to be honest.

What's your situation?

YellowFish12 · 23/05/2021 10:20

He doesn’t sound like the kind of man who only just started behaving like a complete arse. Why put up with it?

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 10:21

Thanks for replies, I would have moved it myself but the 3m old was fussy and didn't want to be put down.

He's great in a lot of ways - brilliant with the kids the vast majority of the time, good with money and generous about it (I'm a SAHM at the moment) and works very hard. Lots of fun to be around, supportive, useless with housework but pays for a cleaner twice a week and does do the jobs I hate. BUT his drinking is a massive issue and whenever we argue he goes off to his mums and doesnt get in touch for ages which I think is a disgrace - he hasn't done it since our youngest but did when I was very heavily pregnant. He definitely wants to be right all the time and has a controlling side (although he would say I'm controlling over things like the car seat, drinking loads in front of the kids, feeding them rubbish etc). But the 2yo absolutely idolises him so I keep trying and trying with him for her sake

OP posts:
HerMammy · 23/05/2021 10:22

He’s behaved like an arse, but why can’t you move the car seat yourself?

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 10:24

House wise I own it outright (inheritance) so I'm fine there but would have to go onto universal credit if I chuck him out as my youngest is only 12 weeks old. Also I'm dyspraxic and have failed miserably at learning to drive in the past, so even if I could afford lessons I dont think its going to happen

OP posts:
Tk5787338 · 23/05/2021 10:24

I think the bigger issue is that you can’t solve disagreements without him storming off; it’s absolutely not ok just to go off and leave you with the kids like that.
I have certain views about our children; some of which DH thinks are an over reaction and over cautious but he respects that I feel strongly about it and it makes no difference to him to just do what I think is right. I think in your situation it’s similar; even if he doesn’t think the car seat needs to be rear facing why not just respect your views.

Athelwulf · 23/05/2021 10:25

Yanbu.

BUT- if you split (as you probably have to) when he takes the kids out, as long as it's legal (and forward facing from very small is, sadly) you can't say he can't do it.

Looubylou · 23/05/2021 10:26

Are these his children? He is happy to just disappear out of their lives for a week, without warning? He is emotionally abusive. The problem is far greater than a car seat position, but YANBU.