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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Car Seat Drama

59 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 09:59

I've had yet another massive row with DH and he's sloped off to his mothers. He thinks I've caused this over nothing- regardless his shouting and storming off leaving me with 3 kids puts him firmly in the wrong, but I'm interested to see if others agree I made a mountain out of a molehill to begin with.

So on Friday afternoon I went for my covid vaccine, leaving DH home with our 2yo who was asleep. It was raining when I came out so he offered to come and pick me up, but when he arrived he had moved our toddlers seat to the front seat, forward facing. This is a longstanding issue- he "doesnt understand" extended rear facing- I've sent him research and crash test videos but he doesn't want to know. However, the chemist is only around the corner so other than one comment I didnt make an issue of it.

Saturday morning we were supposed to be visiting his grandparents which is an hours drive away. He was still in bed at 11.30, hungover, and the younger kids were ready for a nap so I was trying to get him up. I asked him to move the car seat back into place so I could get the kids settled in the car while he showered and he said "its fine where it is." I told him it absolutely wasn't fine for a long drive like that and that we weren't getting in the car with him unless he moved it. It escalated from there into him telling me I have "no say" as I cant drive then shouting at me and slamming the bathroom door in my face, at which point I put the kids in the pram and went out for a walk to get them down for their naps.

Hes now gone and won't be in touch for a week unless he needs something from the house. Absolutely sick of it and his reaction was completely disproportionate but was I OTT over the car seat? I can be anxious about the kids at times but I really don't think a (very small) 2 year old should be in the front seat of a car, especially facing forwards. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 10:27

@HerMammy I definitely should have but its heavy and I had our baby in my arms fussing so I wanted him to make an effort

OP posts:
Ickythefirebobby · 23/05/2021 10:27

Why will be be gone for a week. Do you mean off sulking for a week. That’s ridiculous of him.

As for car seats, when my children were little in the early 2000’s it was fine to put a two year old forward facing. However things always move on, including car seat safety advice. If you’re now advised to have a two year old face backwards then it’s hugely irresponsible of him to not follow the advice. I probably wouldn’t have asked him and just gone and moved the seat myself.

He sounds very immature, I don’t blame you for being upset and annoyed.

lockdownalli · 23/05/2021 10:28

House wise I own it outright (inheritance) so I'm fine there

Are you sure about that? You said DH so if you are married, the house is probably a marital asset, inherited or not. How long have you been married?

You need to get yourself to a solicitor pronto. Even if you don't split at this stage (I would) you need to know what the financial situation is.

I am also dyspraxic so I totally understand re the driving Flowers

jillandhersprite · 23/05/2021 10:30

I think you have found the straw - as an isolated incident then is it a big deal if a child is in a legal forward facing car seat for a journey - no. But if you have someone who knows how strongly you feel about safety and just dismisses it because only his opinion matters, and that the only way to deal with a difference of opinion is to call you controlling then yes this is a problem.
Add in the storming off, checking out of family life and heavy drinking - this is not a good father. A 2 year old has no idea what is good for her - so that should carry no weight - of course children idolise the parent that is 'fun', does the 'playing' and never engages in the difficult parts of parenting. That does not make him a great dad - which seems to be the justification by many to stick around and make do with an idiot of a parent...

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/05/2021 10:31

@Athelwulf this is one of the reasons I give him chance after chance. Hes absolutely brilliant with them but certain things we have very different standards on. The other main one is how much its okay to drink when youre responsible for young children

OP posts:
NoraEphronsNeck · 23/05/2021 10:31

I'd be changing the locks and packing his stuff while he's gone. Send it over to his DM's house in a taxi.

Your children will learn that their father is a flake who won't always be there for them as it will depend on whether their DM pisses him off or not.

I understand about the uncertainty regarding money but honestly you are in a stronger position than most as the house is yours.

I know someone in the same situation recently. Her DH flounced back to his parents, all cosy getting his washing done and food served on a tray on the sofa and then after a few weeks of this decided he would go home.

My friend had other ideas however and now that his parents want him to leave he's looking at a rented studio flat above a shop. And that's good enough too.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2021 10:33

The car seat I’d have just moved myself, it takes a few mins and the baby would cope.

However that’s not the real issue. The issue is he’s selfish and wants his own way. Storming out is childish and not how anyone should resolve an argument.

MrsMcTats · 23/05/2021 10:35

Where are you expected to sit if the car seat is in the front? Safety aside, he expects you to squash in the back?! Have you tried learning to drive an automatic? What does his mother think of his behaviour? I would call and say I need help with the kids please tell your son to come home and support his wife. I would not stand for that kind of behaviour.

MandUs · 23/05/2021 10:35

Yes, unless you ringfenced the house, it's possibly half his if you split.

nimbuscloud · 23/05/2021 10:35

He sounds awful. I feel very sorry for your children.
How much had he drunk to be still hungover at 11.30am? Are you sure he was sober enough to even drive?

3Britnee · 23/05/2021 10:37

He was going to drive your kids while he's hungover to fuck?

I (and kids) wouldn't have been going with him anyway.

LittleOwl153 · 23/05/2021 10:38

My kids predate the extended rear facing - just! So have been forward facing since they outgrew the "bucket" baby seat
My 7yr old has been in the front seat of my car twice. For very specific reasons.
There's also no way I would expect my dh to sit in the back of the car whilst a 2yr old or even my 11yr old took the front seat without a very good reason.

Running off to his mother's however is a whole different level. And not something I would put up with. Time he grew up!

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 23/05/2021 10:39

Op I have found car seats to be contentious issues, esp when my dB and pils didn't seem to care for them or understand why we have them?

I mean if I had the means I would as a gp buy the best I could age appropriate to transport precious gc.

Pils used one they proudly announced they got dirt cheap for fiends dc and that didn't fit ours?

Db similarly couldn't wait to stop the car seat.

Dh is slightly better but if they were not law I don't think think he'd bother with it.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2021 10:39

Also, as someone who likes alcohol myself, it is entirely reasonable to expect someone to refrain from drinking when looking after children. If he can’t see that then he’s clearly got an alcohol problem.

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2021 10:40

@MandUs

Yes, unless you ringfenced the house, it's possibly half his if you split.
I wondered about this but don’t know enough about the law to comment.
motogogo · 23/05/2021 10:45

I don't understand why children are in the front seat ever (until they are of adult height). The forward/rear is more nuanced, forward was the norm and is still legal, (we had a 60mph crash with dd forward facing and she was fine which might colour my judgement I admit), well fitting is the most important thing, a poorly installed rear facing because the car isn't big enough isn't necessarily safer. What is obvious is your Dh needs to grow up!

My advice is learn to drive and pick your battles, pick your timing too - others will say ltb but my opinion is you wait until your ducks are in a row, kids in school, driving, job etc. I say this from experience.

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2021 10:46

It’s not acceptable for him to act like this
Don’t stay with him

Beautiful3 · 23/05/2021 10:46

His behaviour is awful. A good husband/father would not leave his wife and 3 children, for a week because of a row. You ought to tell him not to bother coming back, and claim universal credit.

EvilOnion · 23/05/2021 10:48

The car seat position isn't the issue here.

It sounds like it was all blown out of proportion on both parts but his behaviour now is the real issue.

BadMotherLover · 23/05/2021 10:52

This reply has been deleted

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999Alex · 23/05/2021 11:00

So he was in bed all morning with a hangover and left u With the kids. Doesn't understand or care about their car safety. Has disappeared to his mums and u say it'll be for a week. Oh stop putting up with that shit and pack his bags then drop at his mums. He can stay where he is!

The car seat thing u are not being over the top. He put a 2yr old in the front seat 😮 and forward facing No and No.

sergeilavrov · 23/05/2021 11:00

@BadMotherLover OP’s husband on the thread? Or just another poster who thinks wives are subservient to a man’s every whim, regardless of how irresponsible?

Dreadful.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 11:09

A child can be forward facing from 15 months, so technically he is correct. However it is irrelevant. There are much bigger issues at play here. Going for a week is beyond bizarre behavuour.

I also don’t think you’re correct the house is yours if you marry. He will be entitled to half if you divorce.

user1493494961 · 23/05/2021 11:10

His Mother should tell him to get his arse back home.

PastaLaVistaBBY · 23/05/2021 11:11

D I V O R C E

Don’t stay with a man who endangers your children’s lives for the sake of scoring points over you.

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