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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry/upset that the in-laws won’t see us?

76 replies

PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 21:02

We live 2 hours away and haven’t seen them since Christmas 2019. They wouldn’t let us visit, even in their garden, last summer when things opened up a bit. They are late 60s/early 70s and understandably worried about Covid but they’re now fully vaccinated and dh and I have had the first dose. Dh works from home and I’m on mat leave so we aren’t mixing much, although older dd goes to preschool 3 days a week. We are going on holiday on Monday (in UK) and basically driving past so we had organised to call in so they can see us and older dd plus meet the baby for the first time but they have rung tonight to say we can’t go. They won’t let us in the garden either. They say they are worried about the Indian variant and we live quite near a hotspot but our particular area has actually had v low case numbers (

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 22/05/2021 21:05

I'd stay out of it entirely. I'd send one text only to say This is something you need to speak to your son about. I am not getting involved and then I'd ignore anything else.

It's his family and his decision.

SaturdayRocks · 22/05/2021 21:05

YANBU.

If MIL is messaging you, can you tactfully point out that your DH is genuinely upset, and made more so by the obvious double standard that her off-spring are able to visit, but not him?

I fully understand why your DH must be so hurt.

Where’s FIL in all this?

JustLyra · 22/05/2021 21:10

I’d say to your MiL that it’s between your DH and FIL, but I’d have to say “I’m sure you can imagine how upset step-brother would be if he wasn’t allowed to see you for over a year, but DH was.”

hettie · 22/05/2021 21:14

Ehh this thread makes no sense it's like loads of replies are missing

user1471457751 · 22/05/2021 21:17

So MIL is happy to have her son around but not her stepson (your husband)?
If that's the case I can see why your husband is so pissed off

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 21:19

Why is it so important to see them right now?

If he’s so quick to cut ties over it then I’d think they aren’t that important to either of you in the first place!

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 21:20

I think people are missing the fact you are from a high transmission area.....whereas her own son isn’t

katy1213 · 22/05/2021 21:29

Your husband sounds so unpleasant, I'm not surprised they're not keen to see you.
Anyway, it's quite natural that she prefers to see her own children. Who does the shopping/cooking/entertaining when you visit - more than likely your mother-in-law and not her husband.
Whatever, not your family, so you're best keeping out of it.

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 21:36

@SaturdayRocks
FIL appears to do as he’s told

@user1471457751
Yes, that’s the main reason he’s so upset.
Stepbrother (who is v nice, I have nothing against him) has been able to visit regularly but we’re not allowed.

@GirlCrush DH and his DF have had a difficult relationship in the past but had been trying to work things out. DH is especially upset as they haven’t seen their granddaughter for well over a year and haven’t met the newest one. The reason for seeing them now is we are driving within 5 mins of their house and wanted to see them. We usually stay in a hotel when we visit (various reasons) so we can’t just nip down whenever.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 22/05/2021 21:37

@JustLyra

I’d say to your MiL that it’s between your DH and FIL, but I’d have to say “I’m sure you can imagine how upset step-brother would be if he wasn’t allowed to see you for over a year, but DH was.”
I'd be tempted to do exactly this.
Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 22/05/2021 21:41

Make sure it's the dad fil speaking and not step Mil.
Perhaps try and speak directly too him and say you wanted to make absolutely sure fil didn't want to see his gc.
Cut Mil out.

This seems very sneaky to me... Don't be surprised if your dh is cut out the will.

mainsfed · 22/05/2021 21:45

I think your DH is rightfully fed up of the favouritism.

It is probably playing right into MIL’s hands though.

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 21:49

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline
I would be shocked if DH was in the will! It is a difficult family situation as DH has a sister and niece that we don’t see (they had problems before I met him and have never managed to sort it) but they also don’t see DH’s (& her dad). I try not to get too involved but I think it’s such a shame if FIL doesn’t get to see the gc and vice versa. Stepbrother’s fiancée is pregnant now so it feels like we aren’t needed anymore.

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 22/05/2021 21:49

@JustLyra

I’d say to your MiL that it’s between your DH and FIL, but I’d have to say “I’m sure you can imagine how upset step-brother would be if he wasn’t allowed to see you for over a year, but DH was.”
This is what I'd do, and then leave any further communication to your husband and his dad! It doesn't seem like they're that fussed about seeing you which must he hurtful for your husband - honestly your situation would make me want to scale back from the massively, I wouldn't want to cause a huge scene, I'd just quietly back away
HeddaGarbled · 22/05/2021 21:50

They all sound as daft as each other. Bunch of drama llamas, IMO. I’d not get involved and leave them all to it.

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 21:51

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

mainsfed · 22/05/2021 21:52

[quote PicturesOfLily]@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline
I would be shocked if DH was in the will! It is a difficult family situation as DH has a sister and niece that we don’t see (they had problems before I met him and have never managed to sort it) but they also don’t see DH’s (& her dad). I try not to get too involved but I think it’s such a shame if FIL doesn’t get to see the gc and vice versa. Stepbrother’s fiancée is pregnant now so it feels like we aren’t needed anymore.[/quote]
That’s so sad. Did FIL have assets when he married MIL?

SaturdayRocks · 22/05/2021 21:52

‘Show off a new baby’?

Do people really think like that?

It’s actually quite normal to want to introduce a baby to its grandparents. Well, normal in my world.

Confused
mainsfed · 22/05/2021 21:53

@GirlCrush

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

Don’t he so nasty.
Mulhollandmagoo · 22/05/2021 21:53

@GirlCrush

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

Lots of people do....it's quite normal! And lots of grandparents would be bursting to see a new grandchild
Summerfun54321 · 22/05/2021 21:55

Stay well out of it. Just say it’s DH who’s upset and MIL needs to speak to him directly.

backtowasteanotherhour · 22/05/2021 21:56

I also like what JustLyra suggested. She must already know this, but it doesn't hurt to point it out. I'd add on a line about staying out of it, as it's your husband's family, so it's ultimately his decision.

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 21:57

Yeah asking a question not making a judgement.

Oh and @mainsfed you don’t get to tell me what to say/post lovey. You just don’t

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 21:58

@Summerfun54321 I agree with that.

SaturdayRocks · 22/05/2021 22:00

@GirlCrush

Yeah asking a question not making a judgement.

Oh and @mainsfed you don’t get to tell me what to say/post lovey. You just don’t

It was such a bizarre comment though, so people have responded to it. They get to do that, just like you get to post what you want.