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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry/upset that the in-laws won’t see us?

76 replies

PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 21:02

We live 2 hours away and haven’t seen them since Christmas 2019. They wouldn’t let us visit, even in their garden, last summer when things opened up a bit. They are late 60s/early 70s and understandably worried about Covid but they’re now fully vaccinated and dh and I have had the first dose. Dh works from home and I’m on mat leave so we aren’t mixing much, although older dd goes to preschool 3 days a week. We are going on holiday on Monday (in UK) and basically driving past so we had organised to call in so they can see us and older dd plus meet the baby for the first time but they have rung tonight to say we can’t go. They won’t let us in the garden either. They say they are worried about the Indian variant and we live quite near a hotspot but our particular area has actually had v low case numbers (

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 22/05/2021 22:40

Please support your dh in whatever he decides. If he's had enough of being treated as a second class citizen and doesnt want to expose his children to that, back him up.

saraclara · 22/05/2021 22:40

[quote PicturesOfLily]@Blossomtoes I absolutely take your point but they have just got back from a week away so are going out and seeing other people.[/quote]
Okay, that makes them absolutely ridiculous. I thought they were generally terrified and the sort that haven't left their house for a year (like my neighbours who I feel very sorry for and worried about).

But if they can go away for a week, they can stand in the garden with you, FFS. It's also been made very clear in the media that the present vaccinations are working for this variant, so I'm not sure what else they're waiting for in that regard.

DifferentHair · 22/05/2021 22:42

Families can be so dysfunctional.

OP, I'm like you, I'm from a relatively healthy family and married into one like yours- complicated and fractured. My first reaction was wanting everyone to 'make up and get along' - it's the wrong reaction.

Just support your DH in what he wants to do. If he's had enough, respect that.

Some families do more harm than good, and having your own children to worry about changes what we're willing to put up with.

I don't know about the COVID stuff. I avoided people with children at nursery for a while because I felt that was a place infection couldn't be controlled. A lot of people are worried about the Indian variant. We can't know what's going on in their heads and it's not something you can control.

But if DH feels it's part of a pattern and for him it's the last straw, then I think you should respect that.

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 22:46

It's unfathomable to me that people put their Covid fanatacism above normal family relationships

It’s not that difficult to fathom, given that’s what we’ve been terrified into doing for over a year. What is unfathomable is that they’re not too frightened to go on a weeks’ holiday but won’t see their family.

buckeejit · 22/05/2021 22:50

That is so hurtful that they are seeing other people and going on holiday and simultaneously rejecting your family. I'd be reluctant to make any future effort with them.

JackieWeaverFever · 22/05/2021 22:50

They have beem vaccinated and the risk is virtually nil.
To refuse a garden visit is honestly ridiculous.

I'd stay out of it and let your DH handle it but mentally I'd be writing them off TBH. It sounds like a fractious relationship at best anyway.

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 22:53

@BarbarianMum yes I will. I am a people pleaser (insert eye roll) so my first instinct is to be understanding and try and negotiate/sort things out but this time I’m upset too and I will back DH up with his decision.

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 22/05/2021 22:53

@JackieWeaverFever

They have beem vaccinated and the risk is virtually nil. To refuse a garden visit is honestly ridiculous.

I'd stay out of it and let your DH handle it but mentally I'd be writing them off TBH. It sounds like a fractious relationship at best anyway.

This ^

You can't catch COVID from the top of a garden path. No wonder your DH is hurt.

Subbaxeo · 22/05/2021 22:55

Sorry to hear your experience. Speaking as an older mum, I’d be absolutely delighted to welcome a new grandchild and would be so pleased to see the family-they’ve been vaccinated too! It’s hurtful, but I would concentrate on the people who do want to see you and leave them to it. My ex husband is a bit like that-our daughter constantly complains why he never wants to see her claiming Covid but has met his partner’s family in the garden. Some people don’t realise how hurtful their behaviour is.

BadGherkin · 22/05/2021 23:51

I’d want to ask how they square going away for a week (and being in contact with all the places, people, etc that involves) with not seeing their own grandchildren distanced in a garden after more than a year.....

So hurtful. What a hurtful situation, OP. 💐

BootsScootsAndToots · 23/05/2021 00:01

@BadGherkin

I’d want to ask how they square going away for a week (and being in contact with all the places, people, etc that involves) with not seeing their own grandchildren distanced in a garden after more than a year.....

So hurtful. What a hurtful situation, OP. 💐

This.

But I'd be talking directly to FIL.

SaturdayRocks · 23/05/2021 00:08

@GirlCrush

Oh well *@SaturdayRocks* op has just agreed she wants to show off her baby too....

Op I think there’s probably more to it. Absolutely no harm can come from meeting in a garden and I doubt a baby could pass on covid

Of course she has - because ‘showing off’ (otherwise known as ‘introducing’) a baby to its grandparent/s is a perfectly normal thing to want to do. Confused
Homehaircuts · 23/05/2021 00:13

What do you think they would do if her son lived where you did or in a high transmission area? If your gut is telling you they would still see him then support whatever your husband wants with his family because that's toxic.

Carbara · 23/05/2021 00:31

They’ve been seeing the woman’s grandkid, and going on holiday, so clearly they’re not worried about getting sick, and just openly don’t give a shite about your husband or the kids. What you do with that information should be obvious. Your husbands father is pathetic, bowing down to his latest wife and washing his hands of one of his kids and grandkids, how revolting, but no loss to you guys.

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 23/05/2021 01:44

This thread is heartbreaking OP. Some Flowers for your DH.

KaleSlayer · 23/05/2021 02:04

I agree with your husband. They’re mixing with others but won’t see you, husband and kids then fuck them. FIL should put his foot down but clearly isn’t.
Get on with your lives, enjoy your holiday.

MumW · 23/05/2021 09:38

BBC news today says that the vaccine is effective against Indian Variant.
I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it:

Covid: Pfizer and AstraZeneca jabs effective against Indian variant - study - www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-57214596

Get your DH to point them to this to FIL, say you'll meet outside and if they still won't then it tells you what you need to know. DH can ask how DSS would feel if the tables were reversed and tell FIL that this is last chance saloon and you're done.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/05/2021 09:53

Very hurtful
But agree to stay out of it

It’s stressful as is , and his family

Support him

Is there likely to be a will ? Harsh but I’d factor that in , you don’t see them anyway so I’d wonder if a drastic cut is even worth it

blakeway45 · 23/05/2021 09:55

The news this morning is that the vaccines do work against the Indian variant. So you should tell them this. If they still don't want to see you, it's clearly another reason

newnortherner111 · 23/05/2021 10:32

I think you have made the right decision as to how to respond and would be upset in your shoes.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 23/05/2021 10:42

Seems like a classic case of being pushed out of the nest and a weak man is going along with it, agree on the pp trying to get everyone to get along comments.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 23/05/2021 10:45

In fact if I was dh I'd be write, dear df so sad you didn't want to see us, jabbed at too of the garden, we wanted to introduce you all to your new grand child.

It feels like we are being deliberately kept at more than than arms length and we can't understand why.

It feels like a rejection, because your reasoning doesn't make sense so here are photos of xxxx

John

And then leave it and lower expectations and don't included them in future

MrsIsobelCrawley · 23/05/2021 12:29

This is very sad for your DH and I can understand how incredibly hurt he must feel. Covid is just a convenient excuse even if FIL has tried to convince himself otherwise.

lovetheweekends · 23/05/2021 13:45

We are in similar situation with FIL & step-MIL.
They will not allow us to visit. Also in early 70s.
We have not seen them since Jan 2020 and they have met their great-granddaughter (18 months now) only twice. FIL doesn't contact my DH either, DH allways call his dad to catch up.

We live around 1.5 hours away.
Step-MIL family live nearby, and have therefore popped over to see them both.
I think they're worried about us having to go inside to use the toilet if we visit.

I think they are very scared about coronavirus but I do feel sad for our daughters and granddaughter (not that she knows any different).
My husband is also disappointed with their apparent lack of interest in us all.

Not sure that helps OP in any way but you're not alone in this!

liquoricecravings · 23/05/2021 15:38

@PicturesOfLily my in-laws are very similar. We have a new baby - their first dgc - and they don't seem bothered about trying to see us even though we could bubble with them. Dh wfh and I'm being cautious with who I'm seeing so we're not a real risk. I've started testing myself recently too. They're both fully vaccinated now. I've stopped contacting them as I got too upset with feeling I was putting in all the effort but if they contact us I reply and if they asked to meet up tomorrow I'd be very happy to see them. I just struggle to understand why they don't seem very willing to see us, especially as cases are so low at the moment. My parents are quite the opposite. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this experience.

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