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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry/upset that the in-laws won’t see us?

76 replies

PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 21:02

We live 2 hours away and haven’t seen them since Christmas 2019. They wouldn’t let us visit, even in their garden, last summer when things opened up a bit. They are late 60s/early 70s and understandably worried about Covid but they’re now fully vaccinated and dh and I have had the first dose. Dh works from home and I’m on mat leave so we aren’t mixing much, although older dd goes to preschool 3 days a week. We are going on holiday on Monday (in UK) and basically driving past so we had organised to call in so they can see us and older dd plus meet the baby for the first time but they have rung tonight to say we can’t go. They won’t let us in the garden either. They say they are worried about the Indian variant and we live quite near a hotspot but our particular area has actually had v low case numbers (

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 22/05/2021 22:00

@GirlCrush

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

Of course they want to show their new baby. Most people want the grandparents to meet the new baby.
PastaLaVistaBBY · 22/05/2021 22:04

@GirlCrush

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

There is something seriously dysfunctional about your family if this is the way you think.

Normal people want to meet their grandchildren. Normal people want their children to meet their parents. Only weirdos would interpret this as ‘showing off’.

HermioneKipper · 22/05/2021 22:05

This is a very shitty situation. Totally understand why your DH is so upset, it’s very hurtful. I’d be honest with the in laws.

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 22:06

Nah not weird to say ‘showing off the baby’

Lollypop4 · 22/05/2021 22:06

I'd have to reply about Dh and you being upset too, as treated so differently to MIL son.

But as they all have a difficult relationship, I'd say FIL isn't bothered seeing you all anyway.

GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 22:07

But why can’t you meet in the garden and literally show the baby if they don’t want to physically hug/touch any of you?

QueeniesCroft · 22/05/2021 22:07

I would be careful about speaking to the MIL about this, because it might seem disloyal to your husband. The last thing he needs when he feels like his father is rejecting him or showing favouritism is to feel that you are talking about him behind his back.

Some families are just really fractured and no amount of trying will mend them or turn them into loving and supportive ones. I have one of those. Luckily my in-laws are mostly fabulous and my children do have them as an example.We all like a happy ending, but sometimes that just isn't one of the available options, and turning away from negative relationships is the right thing.

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 22:07

@mainsfed yes he did. DH’s mum passed away from cancer in her 50s (before I met him) and DH still struggles with that so his relationship with stepmum is strained at best. Doesn’t help that she knew his df before dm passed away so he feels very pushed out. Anyway, that’s off topic a bit!

Thanks everyone for your replies. It’s so hard as we’re v close to my dps and my family pretty much just get on! I’ve just sent MIL a message saying my dh is also very upset but it’s between his and his df to sort and I don’t want to get involved.

OP posts:
GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 22:07

Never said otherwise@SaturdayRocks ??

SaturdayRocks · 22/05/2021 22:09

@GirlCrush

Nah not weird to say ‘showing off the baby’
For people with normal, functioning family relationships, it really is.
Clarabellawilliamson · 22/05/2021 22:09

YANBU. we have just about managed to persuade DH parents to see us at half term (outside) but we are half expecting them to turn around and say no because of the Indian variant. They are both fully vaccinated, we all test twice weekly. I'm not sure what more we can do for them to feel safe. What if they never feel happy to see us again?!!

Sumerisicumenin · 22/05/2021 22:10

@GirlCrush

So you want to show off a new baby?

That’s what it’s about

Exactly Babies should be shown off, loved and appreciated by everyone in the family. Shouldn’t they?
ittakes2 · 22/05/2021 22:12

I have a sign in my house saying friends are the family that we choose.
It sounds really shit for your DH and I don't blame him for cutting ties after the way you have been treated. I get a lot of things up to a point but you can meet in the garden and its not dangerous. I would concentrate on finding some older non bilogical role models for your children and husband who appreciate their love and attention.

mainsfed · 22/05/2021 22:14

@GirlCrush

Yeah asking a question not making a judgement.

Oh and @mainsfed you don’t get to tell me what to say/post lovey. You just don’t

At least own your shit @GirlCrush.

You’re massively backtracking in subsequent posts.

Ikeameatballs · 22/05/2021 22:14

I’d say that this is between your DH and his DF and that you will support your DH in whatever he feels is appropriate contact going forwards.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/05/2021 22:15

You’ve done the best thing IMO💐

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 22:19

@GirlCrush DH suggested we just come to the garden, FIL went to ask MIL and came back to say no. In her message to me she said it’s because they want to hold dgc (so it seems they’d rather not see them from a distance?!)
And yes, absolutely, I want to show off my baby to anyone who’ll look!

OP posts:
Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 22:20

@Clarabellawilliamson exactly! We’ll be waiting a long time for no cases. Sorry you’re in a similar position.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 22:21

@GirlCrush

I think people are missing the fact you are from a high transmission area.....whereas her own son isn’t
This. The last year or so has left some people absolutely paralysed with fear and completely incapable of rational thought. It’s really cruel to fall out with people because they’re frightened and cautious.
GirlCrush · 22/05/2021 22:22

Oh well @SaturdayRocks op has just agreed she wants to show off her baby too....

Op I think there’s probably more to it. Absolutely no harm can come from meeting in a garden and I doubt a baby could pass on covid

me4real · 22/05/2021 22:22

I'd say YABU because everyone has diifferent feelings/level of paranoia about COVID. But true that it seems unfair that others visit.

Could you meet somewhere else outside? Or just FiL outside, or anything?

In her message to me she said it’s because they want to hold dgc (so it seems they’d rather not see them from a distance?!)

Aww, sounds like she was trying to be conciliatory. Hopefully you'll be able to see them fairly soon, if the Indian variant worry passes for people.

Original poster
PicturesOfLily · 22/05/2021 22:29

@Blossomtoes I absolutely take your point but they have just got back from a week away so are going out and seeing other people.

OP posts:
PetraRabbit · 22/05/2021 22:30

It's unfathomable to me that people put their Covid fanatacism above normal family relationships, especially where children are concerned. It must be very upsetting to have family that do this. Ultimately the loss is theirs and it's very sad but they have the right to isolate themselves if they want to.

PetraRabbit · 22/05/2021 22:31

I haven't read the whole thread but Covid is also a convenient excuse for people.

BackforGood · 22/05/2021 22:31

I also agree with this I’d say to your MiL that it’s between your DH and FIL, but I’d have to say “I’m sure you can imagine how upset step-brother would be if he wasn’t allowed to see you for over a year, but DH was.” and see that's what you have done

How sad for your poor dh.
Of course parents want to introduce their baby to Grandparents . Most GPs want to meet their grandchildren too. As we are now allowed in each others' houses, it seems very odd that they can't do this to see their son and new grandchild, or even compromise with meeting in the garden.