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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Wife never shows appreciation.

77 replies

JeebusHairdo · 22/05/2021 10:31

I know I’ll be slated for this, and in a way it’s just a way of venting because nothing good would come from saying this IRL.

Last year my wife was dx’d with breast cancer. It was a shock on top of a bad 6 months of Covid and relationship issues. But she’s fought and we’re at the end of what has been a lot of treatment.
I have been there for her every step of the way. Appointments (even travelling to be told to wait outside just so she’s not alone) treatment, operations, recovery, all this with 2 children who we wanted to have as normal a time as possible. I’ve picked up all the slack, as I should, mostly on my own because Covid.

Now this is where I feel saddened - through all of this I have never needed, but have never been given any gratitude. Not a Thankyou, not even “you’re a rock” or to be told that it would have been hard without me.
That would be easy to deal with, but now she’s organising an event to invite her friends and work colleagues round to thank them for their support in all of this. Even to the point of buying little gifts to give them, and has spoke of doing something with close family as a Thankyou (flowers and spa day type stuff)

I know I’m being unreasonable, but I need this out of my head so I can get on helping her with the last steps of her battle with this.

OP posts:

Gooseberrypies · 22/05/2021 10:34

You want her to thank you for not abandoning her when she got a cancer diagnosis and parenting your own children?

Poptart4 · 22/05/2021 10:39

I dont think there's anything wrong in the way you feel. In fact if you were a women you'd probably get alot more support on here.

It's easy to take the person closest to us for granted. That's not to say your wife doesn't appreciate all you did. She probably assumes you know she appreciates all you've done but sometimes we need to hear it.

You need to talk to her about this or the resentment will fester.

HangingOver · 22/05/2021 10:39

I can sort of see both sides tbh. No she shouldn't have to actually thank you for doing what any decent person would but I can also understand the situation is taking its toll on you too. Is it actually gratitude you want OP or is it about just needed confirmation that you're giving the right sort of support? Like acknowledged and fed back on, if that makes sense?

Singlebutmarried · 22/05/2021 10:41

@Gooseberrypies

You want her to thank you for not abandoning her when she got a cancer diagnosis and parenting your own children?

Why not. If it were the wife saying that her husband were doing the above the pile on of LTB would be immediate.

But because it’s the husband asking that his feelings be taken into account, just a thank you the it’s ok to immediately say he’s being a petulant child for feeling hurt?

OP you’ve done what you said in your vows, a marriage goes beyond a contract, you’ve made sure your kids are safe and well and your wife is supported. You deserve some support too

Laiste · 22/05/2021 10:43

Poptart4 Sat 22-May-21 10:39:07

I dont think there's anything wrong in the way you feel. In fact if you were a women you'd probably get alot more support on here.

Could be a woman posting.

Laiste · 22/05/2021 10:44

I think you're not unreasonable OP.

We all need to feel appreciated. Even when doing things which are part of your chosen path.

We were all supposed to stand about clapping the NHS after all ....

CarnationCat · 22/05/2021 10:45

You're her husband and shouldn't need to be thanked. Whereas friends and other people who haven't married and commited to her, yes they should be thanked if she wants to do that.

Also she may not actually say the words 'thank you' or 'you're my rock' but you can appreciate people in different ways. Not everyone uses words. I bet she's done a million nice things for you since her illness and you can't see them because you're so hung up on her saying two words.

zippityzip · 22/05/2021 10:46

It's not really comparable but I had a shit pregnancy, really really awful and my DH had to run around after our existing kids and take on the housework and look after me.

After the birth I got him a card and gift with a nice note on how grateful I am love you etc etc.

I didn't get so much as a congrats from my DH nor a little push present which I hinted at. Even just tell me that you're proud of me. I know it's trivial but I resent him not acknowledging how difficult it was for me and what I went through to give him a baby.

So yeah I can see your point and I don't think YABU - you're allowed to feel how you feel, especially if she's going out of her way to thank and gift to others.

Luddite26 · 22/05/2021 10:46

I understand what you are saying OP and you have the right to say it.
When you are the partner you have to be the support and going through it without 'going through it'.
Maybe you should ask if you feel like these last few months have brought you together as you have worked together as you weren't so close last year,
Why were you going through difficulties last year?
You may get slated but if you have done your best you shouldn't worry.
Are you a demonstrative couple ? Do you buy for anniversaries etc or play present buying down.
In sickness and in health is one thing but it is hard going through long term illness as a family.
More info before i judge you please.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/05/2021 10:46

Op didn't say if they are a man or a woman

Not that it matters.

Yanbu to feel as you do, but a conversation is the way to go, if you don't talk resentment will build up and it will come out during an argument.

It is so easy to take the ones we love for granted. The fact she had clearly means that you are her rock.

Glad that your wife is on the mend

SnarkyBag · 22/05/2021 10:47

Yes I can see why you feel hurt. How is your relationship in general?

bloodywhitecat · 22/05/2021 10:47

I am a wife in your position, I can honestly say it has never once crossed my mind that he needs to thank me for anything.

Elieza · 22/05/2021 10:48

She likely hasn’t stopped to think about what you did because it was taken for granted, like we do with loved ones.

She’s probably still traumatised too and isn’t perhaps thinking as clearly as she would normally about such matters.

You did well to change your schedule to be there for her and support her. Especially when as a close family member, you too would have been traumatised and scared. There’s help for you available too from various charities if you need it to get through this traumatic time.

You could always say to her “you know how much I love you and how glad I am that you’re ok now. I hope I did everything that I could when you needed me to support you through this and take you to all your appointments and everything and that you know I’m always 100% behind you” or something and see what she says?

BinocularVision · 22/05/2021 10:48

@Laiste

Poptart4 Sat 22-May-21 10:39:07

I dont think there's anything wrong in the way you feel. In fact if you were a women you'd probably get alot more support on here.

Could be a woman posting.

Yes, there are a few women married to women who post regularly. I didn’t assume this was a man.

ThePants999 · 22/05/2021 10:48

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that being married to someone absolves you of any need to display gratitude to them. Talk about taking your spouse for granted.

Luddite26 · 22/05/2021 10:50

I do think we should thank partners for things. I thank my oh when he makes my bed up at work every week. He doesn't have to he is being thoughtful.
He thanks me if i have made him tea.
If he comes to the doctors even to wait in the car i thank him.
I think when you don't say thanks you do feel unappreciated.

Tohaveandtohold · 22/05/2021 10:50

I actually understand how you feel.
I know it’s your responsibility to look after your children and support your wife as she would do the same if the roles were reversed however, you’ve been the one who have been there for her so I don’t know why she’ll be getting gifts for work colleagues, spa days, etc for family members and not just acknowledge you as well.
It’s like it’s expected of you so she does not see why she should thank you so to say which is wrong in my opinion, she should do the same as she’s planning to do for everyone else at least

CounsellorTroi · 22/05/2021 10:52

@ThePants999

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that being married to someone absolves you of any need to display gratitude to them. Talk about taking your spouse for granted.

I agree. DH and I have been married 30 years and if anyone were to ask what the secret of our long marriage is I would say never taking each other for granted.

ElspethFlashman · 22/05/2021 10:54

You shouldn't need to be thanked if you're married?

That's a new one on me!

I say thank you when DH makes me a cup of tea. He says thank you when I make him a cup of tea.

It's manners to express appreciation.

But perhaps she just doesn't appreciate it, OP. Your "relationship issues" are likely more deep rooted than you thought.

ElspethFlashman · 22/05/2021 10:55

@bloodywhitecat

I am a wife in your position, I can honestly say it has never once crossed my mind that he needs to thank me for anything.

And OP said he never needed it either.

Until she started thanking literally everyone else.

M0rT · 22/05/2021 10:56

My husband has been supporting me through cancer treatment for the last few years. We have no kids.
I tell him frequently how much I appreciate all he has done for me and the things he continues to do that I can't.
He tells me to stop he's just doing what I'd do for him and it's what you do for people you love.
We grew up in homes with different norms for this, when we first met he thought I was weird for thanking him for making a cup of tea as "Thank You" is formal and for less close people and I thought it was a bit cheeky that he never said "Thank You" for the little things.
I have mostly brought him round to my way of thinking but it is really common that people go out of their way to thank people they didn't expect much from and overlook the closer taken for granted people.
Are your friends and families not saying anything about your support?
Mine constantly praise my DH to the point it makes him uncomfortable.
But it is another way for him to know I appreciate him too as they are taking their cue from me.
I tell them all he does for me and so they say it to him when they see him.
Are you indirectly hearing your wife appreciates you?
If not and your feeling unappreciated and overlooked you do need to talk it through with her. I'd wait until she hopefully gets the cancer free appointment and then when life starts returning to a more normal rhythm you could ask does she feel you supported her well and then go from there.

Branleuse · 22/05/2021 10:58

do you think she sees you as a unit, therefore kind of takes it for granted that you would do these things, in the same way theyd expect of a parent when they are ill. I imagine that you probably have quite mixed feelings about this role and whether its the right time to mention that you feel taken for granted and unappreciated. I wonder if it might be worth talking it through in therapy, as I think this whole thing sounds like its traumatic for you in a different way as the carer, and yet the impact on you isnt really noticed. I dont read this post as you expecting fanfare, but just feeling a bit put out about the party to say thankyou to everyone else except you. Do you know for definite that you wont be celebrated at this event, and would it make you feel differently if you were?

EasterEggBelly · 22/05/2021 11:03

The lack of recognition when it came to buying special gifts would bother me, the rest I would expect as part and parcel of the relationship.

OrangeSharked · 22/05/2021 11:04

Honestly OP she's probably still in fight or flight from the diagnosis. She probably needs to actually acknowledge whats happened to her. I'm sure when she looks back, once she's processed everything she will be grateful, but I think a lot of the time when you get a cancer diagnosis you just go into fight mode and don't really process what's happening to you

81Byerley · 22/05/2021 11:06

I understand totally how hurt you feel. I've become my husband's carer now, because of his cancer and other problems. He tells me every day how much he appreciates me for what I do for him. It makes it all worthwhile. I don't actually need thanks for what I willingly do for him, but it's lovely that he realises how much extra I have to do now.

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