AIBU - Wife never shows appreciation.

[JeebusHairdo]

I know I’ll be slated for this, and in a way it’s just a way of venting because nothing good would come from saying this IRL.

Last year my wife was dx’d with breast cancer. It was a shock on top of a bad 6 months of Covid and relationship issues. But she’s fought and we’re at the end of what has been a lot of treatment.
I have been there for her every step of the way. Appointments (even travelling to be told to wait outside just so she’s not alone) treatment, operations, recovery, all this with 2 children who we wanted to have as normal a time as possible. I’ve picked up all the slack, as I should, mostly on my own because Covid.

Now this is where I feel saddened - through all of this I have never needed, but have never been given any gratitude. Not a Thankyou, not even “you’re a rock” or to be told that it would have been hard without me.
That would be easy to deal with, but now she’s organising an event to invite her friends and work colleagues round to thank them for their support in all of this. Even to the point of buying little gifts to give them, and has spoke of doing something with close family as a Thankyou (flowers and spa day type stuff)

I know I’m being unreasonable, but I need this out of my head so I can get on helping her with the last steps of her battle with this.

I can imagine this is bothering you, OP, and would encourage you to talk about this to your wife. Don’t put blame on her, but have a conversation and be open about your feelings.

YANBU OP!
This EXACT reason is why many SAHM get unhappy and leave. Saying that their husbands never appreciate what they do around the house.
Have an open discussion with your wife about it.

It's what you signed up for so on the one hand it's the day job so to speak and the bare minimum she should expect. On the other hand just because it's the day job doesn't mean she shouldn't thank you on a regular basis ( as I'm sure you also thank her for all the mental load/ house admin/wife work she does everyday). She won't be excluding you on purpose. She probably sees you as a unit with her and so thanking friends outside of that unit for support. If it bothers you tell her. She will probably be mortified you feel like this.

I think your wife is behaving badly, but many of us do when under such pressure.

So tell her you think you should each buy the other a gift to commemorate getting through this time.
Decide on how much you want to spend and tell her you each have say £500 to spend.

Just because your married doesn't mean that you can't express gratitude and appreciation towards each other?

On a much smaller scale I'm going out of my way tomorrow for DH - I told him that he needs to show his appreciation when I get back

You are not being unreasonable to feel a bit sad that you seem to have been overlooked in all of this. But it: usually the ones closest to us that we take for granted

Problem is it's going to be hard to address now as if you say something to her then any subsequent gesture you may think she's only doing because you've mentioned it? And it takes the shine away from it then?
But If you don't say anything then resentment could easily build and add to what you said was already a difficult relationship before her diagnosis and treatment?

YANBU. I'm in your position but we're 17 years down the line from diagnosis of dh's illness. It's tough supporting someone and keeping everything at home going too.

Dh always makes it clear how much he appreciates me and often says 'thanks for coming with me' to appointments etc. It's important not to take your partner for granted.

You shouldn't expect a thanks for doing the basics. Attending appointments and looking after your own kids...not really going above and beyond is it. She's had cancer I don't think writing you a thank you poem is her priority.

YANBU at all OP. It's hard, feeling unappreciated and taken for granted, particularly when that person appears to be giving those things to every else but you.

Not the same thing at all...your situation is far more serious, so makes mine sound trivial...but my adult daughter does this with 'everyone' except me, which hurts.

I'm 'the rock' in that I provide childcare, financial and emotional support on a freely given basis...and get no thanks at all. Whereas she is forever posting online about how one friend or other is 'amazing' simply for 'having a long overdue catch up phone call'. This coming after I've just deposited yet another £500 in her bank (which I'll never get back!), had my grandchildren for 3 days and sent them back with new shoes and coats! Not even a 'thanks to Nanny for a great weekend' mention for me though 😢

It's very hurtful, so I completely understand how you feel...it's not that you 'need' the thanks, but when they appear to manage it for others but not you, you feel taken for granted.

I don't think you have done anything extraordinary, in fact it's the basic I would expect from a spouse. But it would be nice for her to acknowledge that the last year has been tough on you too

Yanbu. She's showing appreciation to everyone except you. Yes, your role as her spouse was to support her of course, but that doesn't mean it should be taken for granted.

Hi its a difficult time. I do see your point of view. Alot of pressure when someone is sick.

Cancer is bloody hard for the person that has it, of course. It’s also hard for the spouse. Trying to keep everything going, driving to appointments in between working, trying to keep everything ‘normal’ for the kids who’s whole life has been changed.

I remember when DH had cancer everyone used to quite rightly ask how he was and how the DC were, sometimes I just wanted someone to ask how I was.

YANBU I've been v.poorly since since Christmas having to spend much of that time in bed.

My DH of 28yrs HAS been an absolute rock, juggling full time work whilst also doing the majority of car for our 16 yr old DS who is severely disabled.

Every single day and multiple times I Thank him for all he does.

You are human and we all like to feel appreciated.

Parents showing each other appreciation models good behaviour for the DC in the household to emulate.

Humans are not robots, we care for people because we love them, but appreciation is always welcomed and helps make the burden of caring seem more worthwhile.

Everyone should show their loved ones appreciation, I expect my DC to thank me for making dinner, despite it (obviously) being part of my parental role to feed them nutritious meals, they have easily learnt to do this because they see their parents appreciating each others efforts.

A little kindness goes a long way.

It's easy to overlook those closest at a time like this, I'm sure the situation was very stressful, you've been through the ringer too.
Take a deep breath, you've done really well and stepped up while going through the rollercoaster of cancer too, celebrate with her one last big push and breath.

@DotsandCo Wow she is selfish and thankless.
I bet the DGC adore you.

[quote EmeraldShamrock]@DotsandCo Wow she is selfish and thankless.
I bet the DGC adore you. [/quote]

Thank you...they do, and it's mutual of course ❤️

Do you thank her when she washes up?

As someone who has been through cancer I would definitely express gratitude. I left my useless ex after my treatment ended.

I haven’t had cancer but have been through a recurrent health issue for two years - where my dh has had to step up as a parent and do everything really. I thank him a lot. I think it’s important. Yes, he’s expected to support me but it’s still hard on him and I want him to know I value him. Everyone wants to feel valued.

Yanbu. It doesn't have to be crawling and ott thank yous. Acknowledgment in this case should be a normal thing. As pp said. Often, the ones closest get overlooked.

Also, I hope you got help emntally, because people often forget to take care of themselves and others often forget that it's hard on the partner and family, not just the patient. I saw that with my mum and self care is important. She eneded up having counselling as well

@Laiste

Poptart4 Sat 22-May-21 10:39:07

I dont think there's anything wrong in the way you feel. In fact if you were a women you'd probably get alot more support on here.

Could be a woman posting.

Good point, apologies if I mis-gendered you OP

You're not being unreasonable, OP. At all. And if the genders were reversed on here, people would be wholly on your side.