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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Wife never shows appreciation.

77 replies

JeebusHairdo · 22/05/2021 10:31

I know I’ll be slated for this, and in a way it’s just a way of venting because nothing good would come from saying this IRL.

Last year my wife was dx’d with breast cancer. It was a shock on top of a bad 6 months of Covid and relationship issues. But she’s fought and we’re at the end of what has been a lot of treatment.
I have been there for her every step of the way. Appointments (even travelling to be told to wait outside just so she’s not alone) treatment, operations, recovery, all this with 2 children who we wanted to have as normal a time as possible. I’ve picked up all the slack, as I should, mostly on my own because Covid.

Now this is where I feel saddened - through all of this I have never needed, but have never been given any gratitude. Not a Thankyou, not even “you’re a rock” or to be told that it would have been hard without me.
That would be easy to deal with, but now she’s organising an event to invite her friends and work colleagues round to thank them for their support in all of this. Even to the point of buying little gifts to give them, and has spoke of doing something with close family as a Thankyou (flowers and spa day type stuff)

I know I’m being unreasonable, but I need this out of my head so I can get on helping her with the last steps of her battle with this.

OP posts:

CarpeVitam · 22/05/2021 12:14

I get it OP. It's so important in a relationship to feel appreciated/not taken for granted.

And I do think some people's responses would be different if it was a woman posting 🤷‍♀️

DifferentHair · 22/05/2021 12:17

I get it op. It can be draining to be the support person.

DifferentHair · 22/05/2021 12:18

Sorry I meant to only do the not the shocked face, baby knocked me!

Lorw · 22/05/2021 12:46

It’s very easy to take your partner for granted especially when going through something traumatic, it’s easy to just assume that your partner knows you’re thankful.

You are not being unreasonable for feeling taken for granted as it were, I would just talk to her to be honest, not in a make her feel shit about it kind of way but communication is key.

I wish your wife a full recovery. Good luck to you both.

OloBo · 22/05/2021 12:59

YANBU.

Yes, everything you’ve done is what I would expect you to be doing in that situation but I also would have expect her to show her appreciation for your love, care and support. It’s’s been there for me through every difficult time. I think showing each other you appreciate nice things done for each other, both big and small, is so important.

OloBo · 22/05/2021 13:00

Damn auto correct.

ohsuzannah · 22/05/2021 13:12

For Gods sake! Everyone saying it's his job get a grip. I had breast cancer and associated treatment and my DP was an absolute rock, took weeks off to drive me to radiotherapy etc. I was very grateful and told him so, many times.
"Thank you" costs nothing

ThinWomansBrain · 22/05/2021 13:20

weird and rude that she never says thank you - but the spa days etc would presumably be from joint money, so would be a bit odd.

CastleCrasher · 22/05/2021 13:24

You are definitely not unreasonable in any way to feel like this. FFS DH and I regularly thank each other for cooking dinner, never mind what you've been doing! Of course it's what you'd expect of any good partner, but that doesn't mean a bit of gratitude isnt called for. Have you spoken to your dw? Not to ask for a thank you, but to check that she feels you've supported/ are supporting her in the way she needs? Hopefully that'd least to a conversation where you can see that it is appreciated, even if she's not been great at expressing it

Mummytemping · 22/05/2021 13:37

@Poptart4

I dont think there's anything wrong in the way you feel. In fact if you were a women you'd probably get alot more support on here.

It's easy to take the person closest to us for granted. That's not to say your wife doesn't appreciate all you did. She probably assumes you know she appreciates all you've done but sometimes we need to hear it.

You need to talk to her about this or the resentment will fester.

I agree. She probably imagines you know or just hasn’t thought to say. Talk to her, but sensitively not in a stroppy way.

Flamingmango · 22/05/2021 13:38

I"m sorry some posters don't get it. I think they are focusing on the material items she's planning to get friends when she hasn't even been appreciative at all to your personally (and also the assumption you are a man means they think you probably didn't do enough prior to the dx). I can super understand how taken for granted you must feel.

My partner was diagnosed with a neurological illness about 18 months ago and it's been really rough. He knows I would never have left him and am happy to do everything for him but is ALWAYS telling me he appreciates it so much and spoils me extra at birthdays and Chrstimas. Also when friends ask what they can do to help, he asks them to check in on me over anything else. Also was the one who suggested getting a cleaner to help ease the load.

I'm really sorry, I would hope if you talked to her about it then she would realise she's overlook this and would take it on without being defensive. I'm really hoping she's planning something nice for you at the celebration and just hadn't said anything to not ruin the suprice.

Taikoo · 22/05/2021 13:44

YANBU.
That's very, very thoughtless of her.

You'll have to wait and see if you get any thanks at this big party that she's busy organising.
If she still doesn't thank you then, you still can't say anything.
You can't win really.

But if it was me, I would be rethinking the relationship if she still has not thanked you, down the line.

MiaRoma · 22/05/2021 13:56

Absolutely agree. Appreciating out loud is one of the important ways of loving one's spouse, imo. OP you are right to need and want appreciation and gratitude. Your wife is wrong not to give it to you. I am a woman and I think what you've done for your wife is bloody marvellous

SmileEachDay · 22/05/2021 14:04

Last year my wife was dx’d with breast cancer. It was a shock on top of a bad 6 months of Covid and relationship issues

I’m wondering what the issues were.

Tossblanket · 22/05/2021 14:07

We say thanks to each other for various minor normal things.

Why would you not.

Roselilly36 · 22/05/2021 14:10

I don’t think YABU, I can see both sides. You have both been through a lot. My DH helps me a lot too, I have MS, and I am probably guilty of not being appreciative enough or saying thanks at times too.

CourtAndSpark2 · 22/05/2021 14:24

As you probably know well OP, when people go through a diagnosis and treatment like that, it is horribly difficult. They can often turn in on themselves, focus on their our health/priorities, and understandably take a lot of things routine things for granted, e.g., they may really appreciate and acknowledge a distant friend that gives a call, or someone who sends flowers. These are indeed special events, but they can overlook those closest who have silently taken on a lot more work and caring, doing invisible routine things ... these are not so special because they always just happen :)

So in summary, I've experienced very similar to you. Your wife has been through a lot, you have provided great support, she is coming out the other side. That is really the most important thing.

I fully understand how you feel. Some people are just less aware of the help/support they get, but don't let that effect you.

GreyEyedWitch · 22/05/2021 14:58

YANBU. DH and I thank each other all the time for being supportive/helping out since our baby was born six months ago. There is nothing wrong with letting your partner know you're grateful.

maskface212 · 22/05/2021 15:02

That would be easy to deal with, but now she’s organising an event to invite her friends and work colleagues round to thank them for their support in all of this.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You just want her to say thanks, that's all. It's been a tough road and you've had a lot to deal with and feel taken for granted. She seems to be thanking everyone but you, so you must feel hurt. YANBU

MiaRoma · 22/05/2021 15:03

@SmileEachDay

Last year my wife was dx’d with breast cancer. It was a shock on top of a bad 6 months of Covid and relationship issues

I’m wondering what the issues were.

Maybe not enough out loud appreciation on both sides ? 😁

billy1966 · 22/05/2021 15:17

OP
YANBU.

I actually can't believe your post.
Not a single word of thanks?
Really?

No wonder you feel hurt.

What are your marital issues?

Because if I did that for my husband of 30 years I absolutely know I would be thanked profusely and I would thank him likewise.

It is very very hard to carry the slack when your partner is ill forva week or two, not to mind through months of treatments.

To not get a single word of thanks is so entitled and self absorbed that I find it very hard to believe such behaviour is in isolation.

Too bloody right I would be rethinking the relationship.

Hard to believe this would be the case of a woman who was involved with family life.

Sadly I could well believe it of some of the men that get described on MN MN regularly.

TheRiverKnows · 22/05/2021 15:23

It's a tricky and complex situation. One of my closest friends was raped in college (it could/would have been me, I crossed the same park just 20 minutes later to our house). I provided support, interacted with police, hospital, follow up, studies/work, transport for several following years, I even took a job locally.

My friend then got a job in a different city, found a wonderful DH, has a good career, lovely family.

Never once did she thank me for my support. I'll be honest and say it really did annoy me at times. But looking back now I see that was my problem. I'm just so glad I helped, and I'm delighted she seems to be in a good place. On the other hand, it did make me aware of the help I get from others, and I try to be appreciative. I've got a great DP, and I do let him know from time to time. Luckily he's easy to please ;)

OP, I'm glad you DW is getting better. Forget about it, and be happy you are together,

Peace43 · 22/05/2021 15:31

My OH took me to a difficult medical appointment the other day and waited in the car park for an hour and I said thank you. It was nice of him! I appreciated the support. He’s working today and I took him lunch, he thanked me. It sounds as if your wife hasn’t done the normal little thank yous and expressions of gratitude that you make to a loved one who has inconvenienced themselves to make you happy.

Of course you should look after a sick spouse and care for your kids but she should acknowledge that support with a thank you now and then. No big giant fuss should be needed but a thank you is only polite.

2klightyears · 22/05/2021 16:18

I was your DW one time (not in the same situation). I accepted a lot from ex-DH as default, never really considered him too much. I had a lot but was too stupid and unaware to realize it.

It's always good to thank others. It's easy, thoughtful, respectful. I know I'm much better today!

CheeseIsMyJam · 22/05/2021 16:24

I'm on the other of this, I went through cancer treatment last year and my husband had to do the running around and pick up childcare.

I was feeling more on your wife's side tbh, because I remember how overwhelming everything was and it just wasn't top of mind to be thanking him, even though I did say thank you a few times and we spoke about what he'd done etc. Though he made it clear he didn't want or need me to say thanks.

However if she is organising thank you events that does seem a bit off. Unless she has organised something for you as a surprise?

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