Kids kissing

[Onthedowns]

My 9 year old DD has been fairly niave until recently. We allow her a mobile mainly in lockdown to keep in touch with her family and friends. No social media no Tik tok.

Obviously a lot of her friends have access. She has also recently covered the start of sex educstion. If this is relevant. We don't volunteer information but will answer any questions she asks as best we can age wise.

She has always laughed and joked about boyfriends like all kids her age. Recently a new boy started in her class a few weeks ago. Last week she came home and said he called her attractive she didn't really understand so we explained about being pretty etc nice to look at.

I think they get on and have chatted at lumchbreaks. Today she has a friend staying who said that this boy and DD kissed. We haven't heard full details as her friend is staying and will chat tomorrow.

I am really unsure how to handle this. I don't think it's entirely appropriate and i feel from what DD has said this boy is very forward.

Wise ones with advice please?

I would just say that by 9 years old, you should have has the puberty and sex talk. She should know what all of that is by now, and should be able to name those sorts of acts. That chat also has the emotional side, and talking about what is appropriate and what isnt etc.

The only way to combat this is to educate her. Otherwise, she'll keep going along with it with this boy because she doesnt understand it all.

She has also recently covered the start of sex educstion. If this is relevant. We don't volunteer information but will answer any questions she asks as best we can age wise.

My first bit of advice is to definitely start volunteering information. Your daughter needs to know about sex, biology, consent, etc, and she needs to hear this from you and her father. She needs to know that no subject is off the table and that she can always come to you for support.

Secondly, 9 year olds should not be kissing, and she needs to know that this is inappropriate at her age, and if this boy is being pushy, that is very, very wrong of him. If this kiss happened at school, and if it happens again, a word with her teacher might be in order.

I would have a very breezy calm conversation, and I would focus it on consent, so she is empowered to say no if she doesn’t like it. I wouldn’t make it appear that you are worried or upset or cross, so she can continue to talk to you about it openly. I had a ‘boyfriend’ at 9 who I ‘kissed’, it was a peck on the lips and very innocent 😂. It could just be that but I think it opens a good opprtjnity to discuss consent and what she’s comfortable with.

She will always volunteer information usually and doesn't keep secrets. However i do feel kind of unprepared. I just don't remember needing or wanting to know all the gory details at 9 🤷🏼‍♀️

Last week she came home and said he called her attractive she didn't really understand so we explained about being pretty etc nice to look at.

She's 9, has lots of friends (who do use social media) and she doesn't know what a boy would mean by attractive?

Unusual language from a 9 year old boy too - attractive.

"Gory" details? What's gory about sex and biology? I think 9 is way behind in learning about this. She's going to be starting her period before you know it, she needs to be empowered with information, not kept uninformed and ignorant.

Sorry but how on earth do you think she will learn things if you are not going to actually preempt this stuff. There are plenty of books on puberty etc you could buy to help things along.

Secondly, 9 year olds should not be kissing, and she needs to know that this is inappropriate at her age, and if this boy is being pushy, that is very, very wrong of him. If this kiss happened at school, and if it happens again, a word with her teacher might be in order.

This too.

The world was a different place when you were 9.
She isnt growing up in the childhood you grew up in. She is growing up now. You need to be on the ball with this and you need to start talking to her; not waiting for her to come to you.

If you find it difficult, you can load up some videos on the subject on YouTube and watch them together. That will open the topic, and you can then go further into it and discuss all the consent, appropriate behaviour, how to say no, what to look out for etc.

First find out what kind of kiss.

Kissy faces, on the cheek, lips, just xxx on messages? Talk to her that she shouldn't do anything she's uncomfortable with, or be pressured into it. Try and gauge how she feels about it, when it happened, where , how etc.

If at school just tell her it's inappropriate behaviour and she's too young for it.

And stop waiting for her to ask about it. A lot of the time it's too late if they're asking about it.

@Aquamarine1029

"Gory" details? What's gory about sex and biology? I think 9 is way behind in learning about this. She's going to be starting her period before you know it, she needs to be empowered with information, not kept uninformed and ignorant.

I don't think it's that common that 9 year olds start their periods. I am not saying we won't talk to her etc about these things and puberty sex. However i do find it sad these things have to start at 9? To me its another way of aging girls.

My 7 year old knows the basic mechanics of sex. She knew about the little egg which grew at about 5. Then wanted to know what made it start growing. ''Daddy did'' only cuts the ice for so long

Arm yourself with a few age appropriate sex education books/parent self help books and get engaged with it all OP.

The details are not ''gory'', sex is a fascinating subject. She needs to know what's round the corner, periods ect,. and dealing with unwelcome attention, welcome attention and about boundaries.

@Laiste

Last week she came home and said he called her attractive she didn't really understand so we explained about being pretty etc nice to look at.

She's 9, has lots of friends (who do use social media) and she doesn't know what a boy would mean by attractive?

Unusual language from a 9 year old boy too - attractive.

No she didn't understand the context. A couple of her friends have tik Tok rightly or wrongly i don't let her have her own access

Gory was a manner of speaking. We are very happy to be open with her but equally try and find a balance. It's also navigating other people's children and what and how they are told. Last year she came home and said her friend told her she has sex with her boyfriend. An 8 year old coming out with that i don't forge

Yes it did happen at school from what i can gather.

Knowing what the word attractive means is nothing to do with tiktok. Nothing at all.
She should have read books by now which use that describing word even if you've never said it to her.

You sound woefully unprepared here and that is impacting your daughter. She is woefully unprepared. It's time to change that. This weekend is the perfect time to spend an hour going over the biology of girls and boys, puberty and sex. And then go onto the emotional side, consent and all the rest of it.

It's also navigating other people's children and what and how they are told. Last year she came home and said her friend told her she has sex with her boyfriend.

Can't you see this is why it is so important that she get the facts from you instead of the rubbish she will continue to hear from her friends? Knowledge really is power, and it is also protection.

Think you’re being very naive. If you don’t provide the information, someone else, most likely her friends will and then you have no control or influence over what she is taking as fact.

My daughter is a only a couple of years older than yours, and although this wasn’t the case for us, by 10/11, I was aware many of her friends had started their periods. It might be much sooner than you think.

I don't think it's that common that 9 year olds start their periods. I am not saying we won't talk to her etc about these things and puberty sex. However i do find it sad these things have to start at 9? To me its another way of aging girls.

We had girls starting in y3. They didn't suddenly age the day it came. I also saw girls struggling because they had no idea what was going on and why and wanting to talk about it non stop.
DD has known about puberty and periods since she was a toddler. She still licked windows and tried to eat worms.

She's now nearly 10 and we randomly talk about it because it's coming and she is developing. It's her body and she needs to know about it.

She won't stop growing just because you don't want her to.

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

Knowing what the word attractive means is nothing to do with tiktok. Nothing at all. She should have read books by now which use that describing word even if you've never said it to her.

You sound woefully unprepared here and that is impacting your daughter. She is woefully unprepared. It's time to change that. This weekend is the perfect time to spend an hour going over the biology of girls and boys, puberty and sex. And then go onto the emotional side, consent and all the rest of it.

She has read books with those words of course but the context was different.

Perhaps i have impacted slightly but actually i don't feel i need to tell her all about adult sex at 8 years old.

What age do you start? 5? Should i be telling my son at 5?

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

I don't think it's that common that 9 year olds start their periods. I am not saying we won't talk to her etc about these things and puberty sex. However i do find it sad these things have to start at 9? To me its another way of aging girls.

We had girls starting in y3. They didn't suddenly age the day it came. I also saw girls struggling because they had no idea what was going on and why and wanting to talk about it non stop.
DD has known about puberty and periods since she was a toddler. She still licked windows and tried to eat worms.

She's now nearly 10 and we randomly talk about it because it's coming and she is developing. It's her body and she needs to know about it.

She won't stop growing just because you don't want her to.

I totally respect your parenting choice but personally why did i need to tell her at toddler.? What benefit would that have been to her.

5 is actually slightly too late.

By 5 they should know in age appropriate ways about their bodies , how they grow,how they develop, periods etc.

The sex thing doesn't have to be a full blown presentation with details and pictures and putting condoms on a banana.

Again, you start young and build up on it, mostly from the whole "where do babies come from" conversation.

I started talking to my children about sex and biology by the time they were 3, and they're adults now. You have age appropriate discussions that progress as they get older. It's not hard, especially with all the info available.

@RubyFakeLips

Think you’re being very naive. If you don’t provide the information, someone else, most likely her friends will and then you have no control or influence over what she is taking as fact.

My daughter is a only a couple of years older than yours, and although this wasn’t the case for us, by 10/11, I was aware many of her friends had started their periods. It might be much sooner than you think.

Possibly i am. More unprepared i had a very bad childhood abuse Foster care and perhaps i try and shield her unnecessarily

Yes. You start when they are young.
They should know all the proper names for their own body from the start. As they get a bit older, you have the bigger sex and puberty talk.

By boys are 9 and 8. They know what sex is. They know sexual assault is. They know about men shouting out of windows as they drive past. They know about women in certain religion not being allowed to speak to men. They know about women being treated as less than. They know what sexism and misogyny is. They know what consent is. They know what they should not be doing. They know what girls and boys should not be doing to them. They know it all.

I think you're the naive one.
The average 9 year old knows about sex and periods.
My sons knew what periods were at age 5 as they'd spotted tampons and towels in the bathroom. Shielding boys from periods is why so many males have insufficient knowledge about female bodies.

If your dd has kissed this boy then you just say no kissing at school which is a rule in most primary schools. A chat about peer pressure is also useful. Even if this boy isn't being too forward, other people will try their luck and she needs to know that it's ok to say no and hurt their feelings.