AIBU to think that child maintenance is actually very unfair to the RP?

[ECJW]

Just a thought I had due to speaking to my ex about costs for our DD and it hit me, NRP only have to give up a certain % of their incomes a week even though they don’t have to think about or incur any of the day to day costs of having children...

AIBU to think that it’s unfair that RP gets the brunt of paying for most of these things?

It occurred to me that even if ex paid £180 a month that it would only be covering DD’s packed lunches and a couple of extra bits and that’s it... that’s without normal groceries for her, drinks, clothes she might need, shoes she might need, school costs, activities and everything else...

Just out of curiosity, what do you think is an appropriate amount of child maintenance for one child when NRP has no other children to support?

Realistically Karmanomore you wouldn’t have been able to do that anyway; both parents can’t work outside nursery hours. I had to change to a more flexible job that didn’t demand unsociable hours as I too am constrained by childcare’s opening hours. That’s not because I’m single but because I’m a parent.

@DinoHat I get that, but it's a lot more difficult when you have to run a household on one income. My income is necessary as I pay my own mortgage and bills, if you live with your husband then you still have 2 incomes. I do most of the parenting but I don't benefit from my ex's income apart from the maintenance he pays. Presumably you benefit as a family from your partner's income.

Yep, you still have 2 incomes and most importantly, some one to call to get them to pick up the kids if you are stuck at a meeting or the train is delayed.

... obviously, some women have partners that won’t do their fair share of child rearing but that is a topic for another thread.

I do believe that a number of single mums do use their single status as a cause for not working ft

It is easy to judge without considering the logistics.

At one point I had a child in nursery, one in preschool and one in school. All with different opening times, all with different closing times, all in different directions from my home. If you add into that mix no car, a bus that only goes once every 30 minutes, a job in town 5 miles away with a 15 minute walk on the end of the bus journey, you’re not getting to work until gone 10am. You’ll need to leave at 2 to do it all on reverse. It’s not that much easier with a car. If you have no back up childcare, no family able to help you out, you’re sacked within your probation period because you’ve been off 5 times with sickness bugs and covid isolations.

My children hated being the first in and the last to leave wraparound care. They were too little for some years to understand why I had to work. I was lucky they never forced the issue with bad behaviour. I am also grateful that they are trustworthy teens and I a, not worried about my house being trashed or them getting involved in unsavoury stuff when I don’t get home till 6. I was also never able to attend daytime events like concerts because I was working and their father didn’t care. I managed for years with a sense that I was constantly letting them down until one child was diagnosed with a condition that requires regular hospital visits so I had to go part time to accommodate him. I am now in a role in a workplace I am valued so they accommodate me full time with unpaid time off for the hospital visits but it was tough to negotiate.

It doesn’t take much to push a single mum into part time because of logistics. Individual for each and every woman trying to juggle the realities of children and work on their own. I can guarantee, however, that the majority of single working parents who are part time are part time because they can’t make full time work.

@KarmaNoMore

Yep, you still have 2 incomes and most importantly, some one to call to get them to pick up the kids if you are stuck at a meeting or the train is delayed.

My DH collected our DS from nursery and they didn’t know who he was - he forgot the password and the nursery phoned me before they released him. So that isn’t my reality at all. Though I appreciate the points re income.

My DH collected our DS from nursery and they didn’t know who he was - he forgot the password and the nursery phoned me before they released him. So that isn’t my reality at all

So the nursery did it’s job and checked and released your child to its father? That’s exactly the same thing as not being able to hang back for five minutes so you don’t miss the bus to get to nursery on time and definitely the same thing as getting stuck in traffic on the M25 for 5 hours

@Getawaywithit

My DH collected our DS from nursery and they didn’t know who he was - he forgot the password and the nursery phoned me before they released him. So that isn’t my reality at all

So the nursery did it’s job and checked and released your child to its father? That’s exactly the same thing as not being able to hang back for five minutes so you don’t miss the bus to get to nursery on time and definitely the same thing as getting stuck in traffic on the M25 for 5 hours

You’ve missed my point entirely. The point was he so seldom picks him up that they don’t know who he is. I.e I cannot ring him if I’m running late, I simply can’t be running late. On that occasion he was on annual leave and it was not prearranged, at any other time he simply wouldn’t be available.

So yes - it’s exactly the same. He is no more available as a two parent household than he would be as a single one and my job is constrained because of that in exactly the same way.

*was prearranged

@KarmaNoMore

... obviously, some women have partners that won’t do their fair share of child rearing but that is a topic for another thread.

That was the point me and another pp we’re trying to make - it’s not about the “fair share” but the division of labour. Sometimes you recognise that in return for being supported the other parent goes PT and does the lions share, if not practically ALL the child rearing and the other parent makes themselves available. That is the cost of being supported for some and that that dynamic is set during your relationship, so it can’t just be undone when you depart and the financial support remain.

@KarmaNoMore

Yep, you still have 2 incomes and most importantly, some one to call to get them to pick up the kids if you are stuck at a meeting or the train is delayed.

I mean you should still have that If your child has contact with the other parent, surely?

@vivainsomnia

I do believe that a number of single mums do use their single status as a cause for not working ft. It’s inevitably harder but not impossible for many. It certainly isn’t facilitating the ex to work FT. Many families have both parents working FT and many single parents do to. More often single dads.

So yes, I can understand the frustration of NPR’s and their partner when the rp insists they couldn’t possibly work FT and seem to believe that they are entitled to more money from the ex.

If maintenance account for more than 75% than what the children realistically cost, then you are indeed very fortunate.

I have worked ft as a single mum since my ds was in year one , now year 9.

I am now cutting down to p/t .. He has Special needs, with appointments, managing his emotions I am ay breaking point.

My ds hasn't seen his dad in over a decade. I simply cannot do it all. If that isn't as good as everyone else so be it.

I was up most of Tuesday night, worked as a cm all day with my ds home as he wasn't fit for school.

I get £7 a week from ex btw

Your ex is deffo a twat and I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’ve no doubt you’re doing an amazing job!

I mean you should still have that If your child has contact with the other parent, surely?

Not really, most separated parents would not be happy if the other parent called them routinely to do pick ups on days that were not “their” days, and it is not out of pettiness, many single parents would work longer hours when they do not have the children, and for many resident parents, a Wednesday evening may be the only day in the week for them to catch up with friends (essential when you are the only adult in the household), with the house work or even go to the supermarket without a toddler hanging from a leg while screening their heads out.

I’m not sure what are the stats now but I remember reading in gingerbread that half of nrp will not be in regular contact with their children 3 years after split.

Divorce is not a marriage with two houses. That’s what a lot of married parents do not get to understand, you have no authority on what your ex does or stops doing once you part, even if what you are asking for is for the benefit of the children.

If you’re on UC, the more hours you work the better off you are. I’d love to work longer hours. I’m constricted by the fact the hours aren’t available for me to take and also the wraparound facilities at our school have 2 year waiting lists. The childminders are always booked with waiting lists too. Sometimes the issue with childcare isn’t the cost, it’s the availability

@KarmaNoMore

I mean you should still have that If your child has contact with the other parent, surely?

Not really, most separated parents would not be happy if the other parent called them routinely to do pick ups on days that were not “their” days, and it is not out of pettiness, many single parents would work longer hours when they do not have the children, and for many resident parents, a Wednesday evening may be the only day in the week for them to catch up with friends (essential when you are the only adult in the household), with the house work or even go to the supermarket without a toddler hanging from a leg while screening their heads out.

I’m not sure what are the stats now but I remember reading in gingerbread that half of nrp will not be in regular contact with their children 3 years after split.

Divorce is not a marriage with two houses. That’s what a lot of married parents do not get to understand, you have no authority on what your ex does or stops doing once you part, even if what you are asking for is for the benefit of the children.

Exactly this. Even as a couple, if you both work there are likely some nights when you realise you are both scheduled for a work event or late meeting and have to do some negotiation. Once you're separated, even if it's very amicable you don't usually sync calendars and tend to make sure you use any time without DCs (for parents who have close to 50/50 or more) or often start living like an effectively single person and then not understand / resent urgent calls (parents with very little residency).