To bail at short notice

[PolarCap]

Hi. I have a family wedding (cousin) to go to in two weeks time and i don’t want to go. I’m not feeling great in myself both mentally and physically and the thought of going fills me with dread. But I’ve booked abs paid for the hotel, both me and dh have our outfits, I’ve booked the hair dresser, organised childcare etc and I honestly think family would fall out with me if I didn’t go.

Mentally I’m not great at the moment. My ds has autism and his behaviour is off the charts. He doesn’t sleep well meaning I don’t sleep well. I’m very low mood wise, I’m overweight which I’m trying to tackle but I’ve been having pains all over my body and it’s even worse after exercise. I look like shit as I’m exhausted, my hair has been thinning falling out in places and I feel rubbish in general. None of my family not things are this bad because I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell them. So if I just dropped the bombshell and tell them I’m not going they’d definitely have something to say. I know I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions but if I say why I’m not going they’ll bombard me with questions and I haven’t the energy to get into it. Plus I don’t think my auntie uncle and cousin would speak to me.

It sounds like getting away for a bit could be just what you need!

I know that’s what I keep telling myself that it will do me some good. But I already spend all my time putting on a smile when I feel crap inside plus my anxiety is bad so I don’t relish being in a room full of people all day.

I get this.

Is your DS going too?
Because, if not, can you look at this as an opportunity to glam up, get your hair done, and then maybe get a decent night's sleep into the bargain?

No he’s not coming. But that’s the thing I don’t feel like getting glammed up. I know I probably sound miserable but I’m exhausted and just can’t deal with it all.

I think you need to go if you can. Make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible and explain your low mood.

I already have and I was fobbed off.

Get your thyroid tested and if you genuinely can't take it get a sickness bug there are plenty going around

Two weeks before a family wedding is too late to cancel really. Getting away does sound like it would you good.

I’ve had blood test recently and they all came back normal. Doctor just said it’s probably stress related and to try and relax. Easier said than done when you’re trying to manage a child who’s mood goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds and lashes out at you. I feel like I’m living on egg shells.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this, but I really think that you should go. It’s so rude and hurtful to the bride and groom to pull out at this late stage.

I also think you need to see your doctor.

Yeah I guess so. Although if it were me I’d hate to think of someone feeling obligated to come to my wedding if they really weren’t feeling well in themselves.

Would you end up feeling worse if they did fall out with you? It really could do you good to go, even if you say you feel unwell and leave the reception early and just get an early night. Sorry you are having such a hard time

Yeah I probably would feel worse. I should be used to it really as doing things I don’t really want to is part and parcel of my life right now. I know that’s just being an adult but factor in raising a child with Sen and having mental health issues yourself and it’s so much worse.

Go and get a prescription for setraline. It will make a big difference to you I am sure.

Go to the wedding- IF you start to feel anxious, hold onto. DH and go for a little stroll around the Gardens or whatever.

You need this.

I asked about medication and my GP fobbed me off.

Tell them you or DH have covid symptoms.

Go to the ceremony. Show face and leave when you can. Is the hotel you’ve booked nice? Take a good book and let yourself be indulged.

You sound overwhelmed, I completely understand.

It would be good to go, but if you don’t just develop a cough beforehand.

polar

Sometimes it’s easier to write down how you feel and not be robbed off by the GPS chat.

When you feel like this sometimes it’s hard to advocate for yourself so write the note as if you were writing it for a dear friend or sister you felt was in crisis. Stand up for “them”.

I rarely enjoy weddings and feel very anxious in advance especially if it's an all day thing and requires travel.

Two weeks before is too late to cancel though. Unless you absolutely feel you can not do it.

Go, don't worry what you look like (much easier said than done) and leave early and get a good nights rest in the hotel.

Fobbed not robbed!

I think you should go, go to the ceremony and make as early an exit as is possible. You desperately need a break. If you really can't please try and use the time for an alternative break. It sounds like you desperately need some respite.

I think this might be one of those things where even though the plans aren’t what you want, you will feel worse for not going. The guilt and potential hassle from family might not be worth the relief of not going.

I would try and go if you can, and maybe cry off early with some ‘food poisoning’ and get an early night in the hotel after showing face for a while.

You don’t have to go, of course. No one can make you. But I think you might feel less bad about it if you make the effort and avoid the family fall out.

I totally understand how you feel. But I do think that not going will make matters worse. I don't think you'd feel good about yourself, and the family repercussions would risk your mental health further.

I second the suggestion of going, but of finding ways to escape people when you can. This is my way of getting through stressful social stuff. There will be some points where you have to endure, but I don't even spending a few minutes in the loo (that I don't actually need to use) gives me breathing space.

I think with numbers being restricted so heavily at the moment it would be a bit unfair to cancel so late notice when they could have used the space for someone else if they had more notice.

That said you can only do what you can do and if it'll make you miserable then you shouldn't force yourself to go.

I hope your gp listens to you & you feel better soon