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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bail at short notice

62 replies

PolarCap · 19/05/2021 15:44

Hi. I have a family wedding (cousin) to go to in two weeks time and i don’t want to go. I’m not feeling great in myself both mentally and physically and the thought of going fills me with dread. But I’ve booked abs paid for the hotel, both me and dh have our outfits, I’ve booked the hair dresser, organised childcare etc and I honestly think family would fall out with me if I didn’t go.

Mentally I’m not great at the moment. My ds has autism and his behaviour is off the charts. He doesn’t sleep well meaning I don’t sleep well. I’m very low mood wise, I’m overweight which I’m trying to tackle but I’ve been having pains all over my body and it’s even worse after exercise. I look like shit as I’m exhausted, my hair has been thinning falling out in places and I feel rubbish in general. None of my family not things are this bad because I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell them. So if I just dropped the bombshell and tell them I’m not going they’d definitely have something to say. I know I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions but if I say why I’m not going they’ll bombard me with questions and I haven’t the energy to get into it. Plus I don’t think my auntie uncle and cousin would speak to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PolarCap · 19/05/2021 17:00

I was 37 a couple of weeks ago. I get what you’re all saying and you make a good point. Maybe when I’m there I’ll be ok but it’s just e thought of it. My weight isn’t a massive issue in terms of going to the wedding. I’ve always been big but I’ve lost some weight recently and I actually have a dress that looks decent on me. So that’s all ok. But I have anxiety about getting my hair done (cut coloured) because I have some hair loss. I haven’t had it cut or coloured in two years which I know is bad but I also can’t always cope with the small talk that you usually make with hairdressers. My ds’s needs took precedent over my own. I’ve neglected myself and it shows. So that’s causing me to feel anxious.

OP posts:
ExhaustedFlamingo · 19/05/2021 17:00

OP, I really do sympathise. I have autistic twins and I get very little sleep too. I'm permanently at the point of exhaustion, and I suffer panic attacks/horrible anxiety. It's all a bit shit.

You need to go back and see a different GP. A large majority of the SEN mums in my circle are on antidepressants. Life can be bloody tough when you've got SEN DC. Antidepressants will really help, even if they're not a magic solution to the practicalities.

Re the wedding. My personal opinion is that you should go. I can well imagine it's the last thing you feel like doing but you can actually enjoy a full night of sleep without keeping one ear open or being repeatedly disturbed. Tell your DH to stay and enjoy the party and tell him you want to use the opportunity to go back to the room and get some much-needed rest. Without wanting to sound callous, this isn't about the wedding - this is about you getting a break from the constant daily demands.

But if you really feel you can't face any of it - could your DH go without you and you have a "stomach bug" so you don't have to deal with the fallout from family? Would your friend still look after your DC and let you have a break at home on your own?

Original poster
PolarCap · 19/05/2021 17:05

Deep down I want to go. After the year I’ve had I could do with some fun but at the same time I’m bloody exhausted. I never used to be this boring lol.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/05/2021 17:10

Ok so go but dial back the pressure on yourself. You don't need to go to the hairdresser unless you want to.
When DS was young if we had a DS free wedding unless we were having an amazing time we'd use the opportunity to spend as much time as possible in the hotel room Blush mainly to both relax . Your total absence at the event would be noticed, a limited attendance will not.

Original poster
PolarCap · 19/05/2021 17:10

Oh I don’t think my dh would feel comfortable going on his own. He would if it was his side of the family. So yeah even more pressure really I kind of have to go as not only are my family excited about it my dh is too.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/05/2021 17:11

If you need an excuse to temporarily duck out of proceedings from time to time you can be checking in with whoever is looking after DS - if anyone asks.

Original poster
PolarCap · 19/05/2021 17:11

Well I kind of do have to go to the hairdresser as my hair is grey lol. But spending a bit of time together alone in the room sounds nice. I mean it has been years since we had a night away together.

OP posts:
ExhaustedFlamingo · 19/05/2021 17:17

You're not boring, you're exhausted.

Give your last couple of comments, I reckon you should definitely go. But rather than stressing about the event, keep your mind on the fact that later in the day you can relax in the room alone, you don't need to party all night. This could be just what you need Flowers

DungeonKeeper · 19/05/2021 17:19

I think you should go and see it as an opportunity torecharge. If you have had enough go back to the hotel room and watch tv, relax and sleep.

saraclara · 19/05/2021 17:29

I even took time out here and there at my own daughter's wedding, OP! I even went back to my room for half an hour in the thick of the evening reception, and I wad probably first to go to bed by a long way!

I frequently really don't want to go to big social things. But so far I've never regretted going. But I do have an excuse to hand if I need to leave early, and no-one has ever shown signs of minding if I do.

LittlestBoho · 19/05/2021 17:54

@PolarCap

I was 37 a couple of weeks ago. I get what you’re all saying and you make a good point. Maybe when I’m there I’ll be ok but it’s just e thought of it. My weight isn’t a massive issue in terms of going to the wedding. I’ve always been big but I’ve lost some weight recently and I actually have a dress that looks decent on me. So that’s all ok. But I have anxiety about getting my hair done (cut coloured) because I have some hair loss. I haven’t had it cut or coloured in two years which I know is bad but I also can’t always cope with the small talk that you usually make with hairdressers. My ds’s needs took precedent over my own. I’ve neglected myself and it shows. So that’s causing me to feel anxious.
It's much harder to talk at the hairdressers now because everyone is masked up, so you don't feel obliged to make as much inane small talk as usual.

You should go. You'll see your family, spend time with your DH, get a lovely lie in in a hotel room; it will be a chance to recharge your batteries away from the daily grind of home.

CaraherEIL · 20/05/2021 10:17

That’s true, small talk at the hairdressers has become less of a thing with the masks.
That’s great if you have an outfit you are pleased with.
When you go to the hairdressers, talk abit about going to the wedding, they will generally be very sensitive about any hair thinning and work to try and cut it to mask any areas you are concerned about. Then take a good book and just start reading your book and let them get on with it.
I really think that the positive effects of going to the wedding on your marriage, and your mental health will make it well worth it.
Also being surrounded by your family will give you a boost and seeing that you can leave you child with a babysitter with confidence will open up the future in such a positive way.
I think deep down you really want to go because many more good things will come out of going than not.

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