To bail at short notice

[PolarCap]

Hi. I have a family wedding (cousin) to go to in two weeks time and i don’t want to go. I’m not feeling great in myself both mentally and physically and the thought of going fills me with dread. But I’ve booked abs paid for the hotel, both me and dh have our outfits, I’ve booked the hair dresser, organised childcare etc and I honestly think family would fall out with me if I didn’t go.

Mentally I’m not great at the moment. My ds has autism and his behaviour is off the charts. He doesn’t sleep well meaning I don’t sleep well. I’m very low mood wise, I’m overweight which I’m trying to tackle but I’ve been having pains all over my body and it’s even worse after exercise. I look like shit as I’m exhausted, my hair has been thinning falling out in places and I feel rubbish in general. None of my family not things are this bad because I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell them. So if I just dropped the bombshell and tell them I’m not going they’d definitely have something to say. I know I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions but if I say why I’m not going they’ll bombard me with questions and I haven’t the energy to get into it. Plus I don’t think my auntie uncle and cousin would speak to me.

If you e booked a hotel - go , attend the ceremony, eat the meal, make some polite chit chat then slip off at 7pm or whenevers reasonable and go to bed!

Yes it’s at a very fancy hotel. The wedding is a whole day/night affair. The reception is early at 11am and it doesn’t finish until around 2/3 the next morning. I don’t want to be boring if I go and not stay for the night party but I no by late evening all I’ll want to do is go to my room. I’ve told my dh that he doesn’t have to come back to the room wi try me as he loves a good party and is so sociable but he said he will. I don’t really want to spoil his fun.

Going against the grain here but op, if you don’t feel like it - don’t go. You’re going through a really hard time and given that you believe they’d fall out with you if you didn’t, that’s actually more reason for you to do what you need to do for yourself.

Preserve your energy. You need it. It’s not going to spoil their wedding - and if it does, then they have some strange priorities.

It’s okay to look after yourself so that you can look after your DS. It sounds like you’re at your limit and I’d be exactly the same.

I think you’ll feel way worse if you don’t go. Do you have something comfy and loose to wear? Get out for air a lot when you’re there, have an early night.

Yeah I am struggling but at the same time I hate letting people down.

The other day I had my first panic attack and it was awful. I genuinely didn’t know it was this and thought I was having a heart attack.

I wouldn't worry about going to room early. GO, have a good time and if you aren't feeling up to it have an early night. No one will mind if you do that, it will cause a lot less fuss than if you don't go at all.

@PolarCap

Yeah I am struggling but at the same time I hate letting people down.

I understand, I worry about letting people down too but you know - they are not the ones who are wide awake with you through sleepless nights and turbulent days.

The “oh go, you’ll have fun!” might be right for some people but I think there’s a point when you have to focus on self-preservation and your energy must feel like a precious resource.

If they are the kind of family members who would fall out with you over this then perhaps you shouldn’t make yourself miserable to avoid letting them down.

Take care of you, so that you can take care of DS. Only you know what that looks like, nobody else. 💐

If you have it all arranged and dc will be well cared for, do go. It would be good for you to have a break, even if you decide to have an early night.

Would it be possible to extend your stay at the hole, booking the day before as well? So you could have a relax do nothing hotel day before?

A day of lying in hotel sheets, drinking in a quiet bar and eating food cooked by others does wonders for the soul

Not really no. One of our friends is having our ds and I think her having him 2 days would be to much.

I’d try your best to go op. It doesn’t sound like not going is going to improve your life situation at all. If you do go it’ll be a bit of a reset for you. I get really bad anxiety and the thought of doing something is always far worse than actually doing it. You may really enjoy yourself once you’re there

I would go, sack the wedding off in the evening and get a good nights sleep.

Is your ds on melatonin?

No they won’t prescribe it as they think he actually gets enough sleep overall. But reality is he settles down ok but wakes several times a night and then getting him awake for school results in meltdowns as he’s exhausted.

If you're not going to go, you need to tell them ASAP.
Crying off in regular times would be bad enough but now in covid times with a 30 person limit - not giving enough time to potentially fill that space would be truly crap of you.

Oh OP who won’t prescribe it? Have you kept a sleep diary? Autistic children don’t make melatonin naturally, for goodness sake they should know that.

We did have to try a lot before we got it, but so far it’s been a game changer.

OP, I am not dismissing the other things you have said but I think reading between the lines you feel self conscious because you have put on weight since you last saw everyone and you are trying to get out of going because you can’t face how you think people will react. If I am off the mark I apologise but it seems as if the planned weight loss hasn’t happened and the date has loomed nearer and nearer and you are now panicking and wanting to call the whole thing off. I think lockdown has really escalated social anxiety to the point where it feels quite paralyzing to be in a large group and it’s hard to get out of the hiding out mentality. I think you need to go, I think if you don’t you are going to feel more trapped and hopeless about your physical and emotional challenges than ever.
Eat really healthily for the next two weeks, get out for a long walk everyday, and approach this as a must do.
Try your outfit on again, sort your underwear to wear with it. I think you will feel much more defeated if you don’t go. Also after the first 5 minutes it will surely be lovely to be surrounded by your family.
If you need to go up after the wedding day earlier than everyone else then do exactly that, have a long bath, read a book, order room service.

@PolarCap

The other day I had my first panic attack and it was awful. I genuinely didn’t know it was this and thought I was having a heart attack.

Did you tell your GP about this? Your GP should have asked you some questions about your mental health, and either prescribed you with antidepressants or at least sign posted you to your local IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) service please see link to self refer

www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Please speak to your GP again and tell them how you are feeling and how it is effecting you on a daily basis.

In the meantime Magnesium and vitamin b12 can help with low mood, you may also be low in vitamin D so look at taking a supplement, limit caffeine and alcohol.

I also would recommend going to the wedding, a night away being you and not mum will do you the world of good 💐

Does the doctor know about the panic attack, OP? I've never had regular medication, but my GP did once give me something to keep in my purse in case of overwhelming anxiety*. I never used it, but it was reassuring to have it there. The knowledge that I did is probably what made me less likely to need it.

*someone else will probably know the name of this drug. This was a very long time ago so I've forgotten. But it's a well known 'one off' quick acting medication for such moments.

I think you should go, I actually think the time away from your child and other responsibilities may help. It also may help you feel slightly better making the effort with your appearance (I know I always feel a million times better when I’ve done my hair and make up properly anyway).

What age are you? The reason I ask is because your symptoms sound like perimenopause (hair thinning, panic attacks, aching joints to name a few) - just something to think about. I appreciate looking after your dc will make you feel absolutely exhausted too.

I think I would go and make use of the hotel, assuming the wedding reception is in the same venue. Once you eat you can always sneak off to your room, bring a book or magazines and relax. Before you disappear to the room, make sure you have had a chat with your cousin, aunt and uncle. I'm sure they then won't be looking for you again as they'll be busy chatting to other guests too. If Dh prefers to stay and enjoy a few drinks, happy days! You can have complete peace. There's certainly no reason you need to stay up late. Dh can pretend you weren't feeling well. Don't give anyone your room number in case well meaning (nosy) relatives want to check on you?

Ask to see another GP in the practice and tell that GP you are at the point of making a complaint about the doctor who fobbed you off and you're desperate. GPs rely on people being too nice/timid to make a fuss.
Everyone else is saying you should go. If you really don''t want to, don't . Only you know. Who cares what your family think..? I really feel for you, constantly having to put on a brave face. Just say you're ill. I get the feeling you know what you want to do..you don't need the permission of people on here, who probably haven't got a clue how it feels to be in your shoes.And keep being selfish ..you deserve it. Also, there are a lot of charities that will give desperate parents a break from their children with behavioural problems who may be really stressful to manage and they're easy to find online. The support of people that know what you're going through is the most important . Good luck, you deserve it .

sorry forgot to add, If your DC has autism could you may be eligible for a short break/respite www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-carers/support-available-for-carers

I think go if you can, but also:

• either go back to the GP and be more insistent or see a different GP
• if you really need to cancel, do so last minute. I know that sounds ruder, but a last minute illness is much easier to explain than saying now that you're not going and having to answer all the questions. I'd go for D&V.
• speak to your DP about it. You'll have to explain to him about cancelling anyway. Maybe he can come with you to GP is you don't feel confident demanding more from them
• see if you can find an alternative form of exercise to what you've been doing. Swimming is easier on joints for example.
• see if there's any other support you can get with DS. Do you use the SEN board here?

make a decision either way and stand by it as soon as you can.
You won't be the only person who is more curvy after the last 18 months.Is your outfit comfortable? If not,wear something you won't feel self conscious in.
Worrying now about the day will change nothing so once you have chosen what to do don't keep thinking about it.
Don't allow negative thoughts into your head i.e. If you decide to go then be positive about it,think ' I'm going,I'm going to see my cousin getting married,the focus will be on the happy couple,not me,I will have a nice dinner,time with just me and dh,and a whole nights sleep ,I can just be'.If you choose not to go,again,think 'I cannot cope,I have given them notice,it's nothing I can control it is a mental health illness and it is what it ma'am move forward.
Fwiw,I think a night away will do you good but it's your decision,don't feel bad either way.🌈