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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One night stands/casual sex

52 replies

Chickenchowmein21 · 19/05/2021 14:16

Me and a girl in the office are having a discussion about one night stands/casual sex.
She has been in a relationship for many years and has no children. Myself on the other hand have just getting out of a long term relationship and have children.
We got into the conversation of dating and casual sex etc and I said I had been tied down for so many years that if the kids were at their dads then it would be nice to meet someone to have round to just “have a bit fun”. She looked at me in total disgust and said I was being very disrespectful to my kids/their dad by entertaining men in my home.
Now I’m not gonna jump on someone every weekend.. and probably won’t for a long time! But surely my kids shouldn’t come into this? Just looking on peoples thoughts!

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 19/05/2021 14:18

I'm not sure how you are disrespecting your kids by doing something that they will not know about and so won't affect them.

Eskarina1 · 19/05/2021 14:19

I don't understand what is disrespectful about you having sex or why it would have anything to do with your ex or children.

Original poster
Chickenchowmein21 · 19/05/2021 14:20

I think it was more the fact I would be doing it in “family home”.

OP posts:
Palavah · 19/05/2021 14:21

She's making no sense. I'd avoid discussing your sex life in the office if I were you!

BeetyAxe · 19/05/2021 14:21

She’s nuts, go wild when they’re out, wash the bedding, wear a condom, have fun!

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 19/05/2021 14:22

It's up to you really but I'm a swinger and most other swingers I know won't meet at home if they have children. They say they don't want to bring strange people into their kids safe spaces (whether kids are at home or elsewhere). Generally people you meet from swingers sites are verified as genuine by other members and/or site verification too, so slightly less risky than a randomer you meet off Tinder or in the pub etc.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2021 14:22

Disrespectful to their dad if you sleep with someone? She does realise you're separated? And if she split up with her boyfriend would she believe she was disrespectful to him if she slept with someone new?

Cathie102 · 19/05/2021 14:24

If you have the house to yourself then it really doesn't affect anyone! You go out and have a bit of fun if that's what you want to do - some people are so judgmental.

araiwa · 19/05/2021 14:26

Always better to go somewhere other than your own home. You don't want random lunatics knowing where you live

TwitchyLittleFerret · 19/05/2021 14:26

Sounds like misogyny to me. You're the mother of his kids so obviously you're still his property. Oh and you're a mother, so obviously you don't get to enjoy sex (with anyone that's not that father of your children) anymore.

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 14:29

She sounds as if she might need to unpack some issues. (Don't you love the way 'entertaining' becomes such a filthy word from certainly people when it's in the phrase 'entertaining men'?)

I'm not sure what loyalty she thinks she owe to your ex. Were you supposed to ceremonially burn the marital bed and take a vow of celibacy?

Having said that, I wouldn't bring a ONS home, purely on the grounds of safety. A reliable FWB you've vetted, for sure.

Pinkpaisley · 19/05/2021 14:29

Your sex life has nothing to do with your ex or your kids. They shouldn’t know anything about it.

Now, I personally don’t understand why anyone is interested in sex without an emotional connection so find the idea a bit horrifying , but that is just how I am wired. I can’t remember the label for that it was something like romatisexual but that obviously wasn’t it.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that even though it’s not something I would do, there is nothing wrong with you going out and having some fun. Be smart, Use protection and get tested periodically. Ignore your coworker.

ajmouse · 19/05/2021 14:32

I think everything is fine when it's consensual and everyone knows where they stand. Friends with benefits are also a thing, and as long as any friends' partners are okay with it then literally who cares. I guess it could be odd for the kids if they're aware though.

SimonJT · 19/05/2021 14:36

I’m very anti casual sex, but even I have no idea why this would be an issue. Firstly you aren’t property, you don’t belong to your ex, secondly you’re children won’t be there, crack on and do whatever you like when the children aren’t there.

Ginuwine · 19/05/2021 14:40

She has no right to comment on your home or your life.

She was having a massive dig and I would avoid sharing ANYTHING with this person.

TortoiseShed · 19/05/2021 14:41

Your colleague sounds like a bit of a pearl clutcher if I'm honest.

I also see what @AintNobodyHereButUsChickens is saying though. But as long as you're being safe with contraception and also letting someone know who you're meeting maybe and where, so you can check in, I don't think it's dangerous necessarily.

Some people hate the idea of women enjoying sex! It's a whole thing. I know a woman like this. She's fine that her partner used to use sex workers while married for example, but she is disgusted if women enjoy sex, (especially with each other)!
Internalisedd misogyny and a good dose of homophobia I think.

LigPatin · 19/05/2021 14:42

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens

It's up to you really but I'm a swinger and most other swingers I know won't meet at home if they have children. They say they don't want to bring strange people into their kids safe spaces (whether kids are at home or elsewhere). Generally people you meet from swingers sites are verified as genuine by other members and/or site verification too, so slightly less risky than a randomer you meet off Tinder or in the pub etc.
This sums it up really.

Basically something feels a little off about bringing strangers into your children's home (regardless of whether the kids are there).
However ,at the end of the day, it's your house - do as you please.

Horizons83 · 19/05/2021 14:42

@Pinkpaisley

Your sex life has nothing to do with your ex or your kids. They shouldn’t know anything about it.

Now, I personally don’t understand why anyone is interested in sex without an emotional connection so find the idea a bit horrifying , but that is just how I am wired. I can’t remember the label for that it was something like romatisexual but that obviously wasn’t it.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that even though it’s not something I would do, there is nothing wrong with you going out and having some fun. Be smart, Use protection and get tested periodically. Ignore your coworker.

I think the label you refer to is demi sexual.

It's what I consider myself to be (well, I don't really think any labels are helpful and I certainly don't consider myself part of the LBGTQA+ community, but it definitely matches my thoughts on sexual attraction).

oystercatcher44 · 19/05/2021 14:43

Never discuss your sex life in the office!

Meowchickameowmeow · 19/05/2021 14:43

by entertaining men in my home

That makes it sound like you're going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and maybe saw someone in half!
She's talking nonsense, it's not disrespectful to anyone what you choose to do with your body. Just be safe about it and it's all fine.

Happycat1212 · 19/05/2021 14:45

Hmm I do think it’s wrong if you mean you’re going to have these men in your house whilst the children are there (in bed)

Original poster
Chickenchowmein21 · 19/05/2021 14:45

Thank you for all of your responses!
It just came up in conversation that, I don’t really want to get in a relationship for a long time, and it would be nice now and again to maybes have a bit fun and not just feel like a “mum”. I have my own home, i just didn’t really see the issue if That’s what I wanted to do. I wouldn’t be hurting anyone and it’s not as if the kids would be there 🤣
I will definitely be keeping my mouth shut from now on though!

OP posts:
SimonJT · 19/05/2021 14:46

That makes it sound like you're going to pull a rabbit out of a hat and maybe saw someone in half!

Please do this OP!

MiniTheMinx · 19/05/2021 14:48

She's probably pulled her knickers up under her armpits. Some people just like to judge, it makes them feel better. Ignore and enjoy your new freedom.

Tal45 · 19/05/2021 14:52

Entertaining men in the family home?!? You slattern you :-D

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