Move DS schools to escape a friendship? Or is that controlling of me?

[Notsure6]

Ds is in year 2 and this has been ongoing since reception. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but he’s in a toxic and fairly codependent friendship that he isn’t breaking away from, I can’t seem to encourage him to get away from, and don’t think he’s thriving? Maybe I’m overreacting. What do you all think?

This friend was mean when they first met - they had a friend in common and there was a lot of low-level unkindness going on. They weren’t in the same class in reception, (but now are after the school mixed classes up in year 1), so I thought we’d just avoid the boy, and it’d be fine.

Anyway, in year 1 they went in the same class and became inseparable. Ds doesn’t talk about other friends. They do the same after school activity, have the same hobby, and DS chooses this child and no one else to play with. Even when I’ve quit activities this boy and DS do together, and start new ones, the boy’s parents join the new activities we start!

The child lies to DS, says mean stuff when I’m around and probably worse when I’m not, and is VERY competitive. They’re a bad influence on each other and DS imitates his behaviour (even small things like the way he laughs!).

We’ve been considering moving away for a bigger house. We could keep DS at his current school, but there’s a space at a closer school. And now I wonder if it’d be good for DS to get away from this friendship, move schools, and start anew.

But am I being controlling??! Ds thinks the sun shines out of this kid’s arse!!

In year 2? Move schools he'll have forgotten this child in a month!

I was going to say yabu
But if you’re moving and there’s a closer school there seems no real reason to keep him at his old school

...just don’t tell the other parents where he’s moving to
He’ll have forgotten about this kid in no time

We’re not moving far if we manage to make it happen (2 miles) - and the new local school is just as well thought of, but DS is shy and would have to make new friends and he would definitely find that harder than most. (I think that’s why he glues himself to the kid I don’t like much!)

Even if we were staying local, I’d be pretty tempted to move him schools but definitely think DS would be confused and cross about it!

My son was like this. He is also in year 2 and has only just broken away from a toxic friendship with a very controlling dominant boy that wouldn't let DS have any say in anything.

My advice is keep him at the school and let it play out - he will work it out himself. My DS now has a much nicer friendship with another boy and has so much fun - but he had to get to that realisation for himself, which he did.

Can you not encourage some friendships with other kids through play dates?

I’m not sure. You might find a similar problem in the new school. Sometimes moving schools works and other times the same problems arise in the new setting.

Can you be a bit more specific about what the child does?
"The child lies to DS, says mean stuff when I’m around and probably worse when I’m not, and is VERY competitive. They’re a bad influence on each other and DS imitates his behaviour (even small things like the way he laughs!)."

Does he lie in a bad way? Or does he lie to brag about things which aren't true - Like "My dad is getting a porsche." The sort of lies an insecure child makes up to make themself feel better?

What Mean things does he say? Does it make your son sad? Or is it banter?

What have school said? Is there an issue in class?

Is your son happy?

Does this child perhaps bring out other qualities in your son that he doesn't have? Like giving him confidence....

You need to think really carefully about trying to manage friendships. There are many years ahead and sometimes our kids have friends we wouldn't chose for them, but unless there is definitely something detrimental to our child we have to let them have their own friends.

Just consider this carefully as there might be a child you don't like in the next school too....

If however your child is crying because his friend is mean then of course you need to intervene.

That age, move. It's a no brainer. It'll only get worse the older they get. There's no crystal balls but you know this isn't healthy for your son. Trust your instincts and support him any way you can at new school. What are secondary school options too? Make sure they are different. You are the parent, this is literally your job, it's too hard to give choices to your son. If he was a teenager it would be a lot harder and it will be if you don't take this opportunity.

His lies are both bragging “my dad has a Porsche” type thing - obvious lies to me as I’m not seven - but also mean “your Lego is all fake, tell your mum she didn’t buy the real stuff”. DS believes every single word.

I think the friend definitely has qualities that DS doesn’t - the other boy has a lot of friends and is confident. I don’t talk about this with anyone who knows either child, but I do know other parents aren’t that fond of this child, either.

While my DS is happy, he’s a lot more highly strung when around the child. Before their friendship, he was much happier in himself - but then, he was 4/5, so maybe it has nothing to do with the friendship.

DS never cries over the kid (well, he used to constantly - like, every day - but doesn’t anymore) and thinks he’s fantastic.

While I may really dislike the boy, he has the nicest parents. All the lying and bragging and negging he does really baffles me.

@Notsure6. Definitely move if you can. I wish I’d moved DC because of this kind of issue.

We had (and do still have) similar problems. DC could t seem to break away from one or two particular people in the class and it began to have detrimental effects.

It did settle for a while and then lockdowns happened and school was closed so it did give a break but the whole class seems to be very cliquey and hardly any new friendships seem to develop anymore

Unfortunately the schools near to us were full so moving wasn’t an option. I do wish I’d done it sooner.

In your shoes, now that it's allowed I would invite this boy and one other child (maybe the friend in common?) around for a playdate and try covertly to suss out exactly what the dynamic is. Is this boy unusually unpleasant or is he just a bit loud and thoughtless? Does your DS have a victim role and does he just agree with everything this boy does and go along with it, even if unkind. If your DS is shy, he's likely to come across more 'dominant' (for want of a better word) boys at any school so understanding how he interacts with other children and where the problems arise might be useful to help him stand up for himself.

@Whatonearth07957

That age, move. It's a no brainer. It'll only get worse the older they get. There's no crystal balls but you know this isn't healthy for your son. Trust your instincts and support him any way you can at new school. What are secondary school options too? Make sure they are different. You are the parent, this is literally your job, it's too hard to give choices to your son. If he was a teenager it would be a lot harder and it will be if you don't take this opportunity.

The secondary catchments are as small as the primary - they wouldn’t go to the same.

The parents will definitely move their kid to shared activities still though!

DS is so happy when this kid shows up - and then interacts with absolutely nobody else. In fact, they exclude anybody else who tries to play with them when they’re together.

If you don't move school have a chat with the teacher / head and ask for them to be in different classes next year.

Also if he has nice parents, the other boy might be going through a bit of a phase that he grows out of. I might have a word with the parents... I'm sure they'd be horrified at some of the things he's coming out with. If my son was behaving like that to his friends, I'd want to know.

Sometimes making a decision is hardest when there's no right answers. Only you know your son and have insight on this other boy. You do regret what you don't do more though. Look into this other school. Observe the children together. This may be the only time to intervene. Can you stomach 5 years from now knowing you had this chance? If you ask your son he'll say no. If you say this is happening he will be annoyed but if it's a nice school he will thrive.

As the new school will be closer anyway you might as well move him. But be prepared, if you don't get to the bottom of why your son respond this way to this kid, you might find the next friendship he forms at the new school will have exactly the same dynamic!

It sounds like an unhealthy friendship but you could have the same issue at a new school. If you really feel in your gut that you need to move him then I would do it.
We had the same issue at high school year 7. An all boys school where two vile boys who were best friends decided to befriend my son. They were like two cats with a mouse toying with him. Fortunately my son is very thick skinned and was not easily upset. It rode out over the whole five years. I still hate those boys years later. They are all adults now and one of them apologised to my son. Kids are awful.

If the catchments are really small then it might be better to move now to make friends in the new area. Do highlight the lies, even if he doesn't seem to notice now it will drip in.

My friends DS was in a similar situation although not as extreme.

She asked that school put them in separate classes (the friend was also distracting him in class) and it allowed him space to make new friends

He’s still friends with the original boy but in a wider group so it’s much healthier

Have you had a word with the teacher?

Say you're worried ds relies on him too much and could they encourage him to play with other kids, at that age they can easily separate them for work based things.

We had similar at that age although the mum wasn't pleasant and had been known to blow at the slightest thing said about
her dc. I approached school, not in an all guns blazing my ds is being bullied way, more my ds is starting to feel down about school and pressured into just playing with one child because they guilt trip him into it and telltales to teachers etc. They kind of had a love/hate thing going on. Ds did genuinely like playing with him sometimes but the other child got very possessive.

The school helped him build his own confidence a lot and he developed many other friends. Sadly the other mum never engaged with school and her child still can struggle even at 12.

you can move, but there will be annoying kids in every school or class.

Have you approached the school about it? At this age although teachers cant be involved in every squabble, they should be looking to support children in their friendships. Have you discussed with the teacher? I know they cant always control what goes on outside the classroom but there are definitely things they can do to separate them a bit more in the class and encourage friendships with others too

You still haven't said anything this kid does wrong. (I have listened to plenty of play dates with kids over the years - the amount of BS they come out with is astounding. Unless it is deliberately making another child feel bad - e.g. at a childs birthday another child saying 'this party is rubbish, your bouncy castle was rubbish and too small' - then I just let it go. If it was deliberately mean i would ask them if they meant to be mean. But when it's just rubbish I might say something later to my child after to counter it....e.g. do you think XX dad is really getting a porshe? No I don't either. )

It does sound like he's your son's best friend. Please think hard about what you are doing.

And if you do move your son, please let the kids have time to say goodbye properly. As it will be upsetting for them both.

DC can be like this....forming a very close friendship with some unhealthy stuff (eg lying about my stuff being better than your stuff) in the background.

If you’ve not yet moved house I’d not rush to decide.

DS1 had a friend like this, his mum and I met at a baby group and so they knew each other from birth.
The other boy was a nightmare, he would hurt DS, call him names and stop the other kids playing with him but then be his absolute best friend.
The went to a 1 form intake school so they couldn’t even move classrooms.
There was an incident in year 3 when DS was hurt badly and this child wasn’t allowed anywhere near DS. They were never allowed to be alone at school, I kicked up a massive stink and made myself that mum.
By year 6 this boy broke another child’s arm by pushing them over.
My son is now in high school and this other kid isn’t even on his radar even though they are at the same school. I’m so relieved
I would have moved schools if I could but logistics would have been a pain with my other dc.

I know a boy just like this-the bragging is in fact far more likely he isn’t the confident boy you think he is-even all the nasty comments.The boy I knew has now turned into a much nicer and confident child with age ( he is 10 now). I would leave it but have a word with teacher to see if your son does actually mix with others in class well. His teacher might be able to suggest strategies for your child to mix with others