Move DS schools to escape a friendship? Or is that controlling of me?

[Notsure6]

Ds is in year 2 and this has been ongoing since reception. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but he’s in a toxic and fairly codependent friendship that he isn’t breaking away from, I can’t seem to encourage him to get away from, and don’t think he’s thriving? Maybe I’m overreacting. What do you all think?

This friend was mean when they first met - they had a friend in common and there was a lot of low-level unkindness going on. They weren’t in the same class in reception, (but now are after the school mixed classes up in year 1), so I thought we’d just avoid the boy, and it’d be fine.

Anyway, in year 1 they went in the same class and became inseparable. Ds doesn’t talk about other friends. They do the same after school activity, have the same hobby, and DS chooses this child and no one else to play with. Even when I’ve quit activities this boy and DS do together, and start new ones, the boy’s parents join the new activities we start!

The child lies to DS, says mean stuff when I’m around and probably worse when I’m not, and is VERY competitive. They’re a bad influence on each other and DS imitates his behaviour (even small things like the way he laughs!).

We’ve been considering moving away for a bigger house. We could keep DS at his current school, but there’s a space at a closer school. And now I wonder if it’d be good for DS to get away from this friendship, move schools, and start anew.

But am I being controlling??! Ds thinks the sun shines out of this kid’s arse!!

I think the key thing here is that after you move he will be in a different catchment for secondary. That would be the decider for me, if he's going to be in a different secondary from everyone in his current primary then he would be better moving primary now to build up new friendships. Otherwise going into the first year of secondary without knowing anyone is going to be terrifying for a shy child.

I think the activities will be less important when they are not in school together all the time. If you do decide to drop them then the other parents won't know what other things your child is doing instead as the children won't be communicating in school.

I mean this really kindly op, but you need to take control of this with your son. He needs more confidence and more friends, and whatever school you move him too you are likely to run into the same problems (or worse) I would work on his assertiveness and how to make friends.

Ask him to make a list of the boys he likes and individually one by one invite them all over for playdates and dinner. Football on Saturday. Clubs outside of school for friendships etc.

I would ask him to speak and play with at least one other child every day, and try to encourage other friends as much as possible.

Your child is clinging to the other child because he feels insecure, that is the issue that needs addressing. The other child is not the issue. Your son is likely to find another one just like him.

Teach him independence, self sufficiency and social skills, that will be of far greater use to him than moving schools, that could be potentially very stressful for a shy child.

My son is shy too and became befriended a boy in his class who I introduced him to as I know this boy's mother. The boy was confident, loud and manipulative. My son really liked him but even though they were friends this boy lied quite a lot and got my son into trouble. He also started copying his bad behaviour and general negative attitude to schooling. Various things happened and the school didn't do alot however in the end they went into different classes for year 1 and I arranged playdates with other children. It was hard work for me in the sense that I had to approach parents etc but now he is much more confident with a wider group of children. I would have moved schools if I hadn't found this solution and I think it's completely reasonable and important to manage children's friendships especially for children with more vulnerable personalities.

Just to add to what @Summercocktailsinthesnow has said, while it's unclear if this other boy is actually a nasty child or just going through a nasty phase, most children don't like to be smothered and that can make them act up towards the other child to try to push them away. So if your DS does manage to attach himself to a 'safe' child and form an unhealthily exclusive friendship with them, chances are that child is either going to be a bit worried and resentful about always having to play with your son or they're going to have their own motives for allowing the friendship (feelings of insecurity, low level nastiness, a convenient 'victim'). I think the 'best friends' dynamic is a bit unhealthy and puts too much pressure on children (it's one I fell into at school and, looking back, it wasn't good for me). A group of friends is much better than one best friend. So definitely try to separate the two but also work behind the scenes to promote other friendships.

It's really difficult for children to get out of these entrenched friendships without some kind of adult intervention no matter how much self sufficiency/independence skills you try to teach them especially for intrinsically quiet children. Alot depends on the dynamic of the classroom too so you might find there is a group of children more suited in another school.

I did it, OP. Moved DD in year 2 and never looked back. It was great for DD, great for the other girl. They're both finishing up year 6 now, in their different schools, and honestly, both of them have grown into lovely, less intense individuals. I think separating them allowed them to just develop healthier sides of themselves over the years. DD and this girl are not friends now, but if they ended up at the same secondary, I wouldn't be bothered. By now, they have such a sense of themselves as individuals that they did not have in year 2. And they've developed who they are now away from each other. I doubt they'd click now anyway. Time passes. Kids change. Hobbies change. Your year 2 son will be very different in year 7. Secondaries are big! He probably would rarely run into the other boy if they did end up at the same secondary.
Some kids just cling to each other and this sort of toxic friendship results from that intensity. Familiarity breeds contempt, and all that. I'm no child-psych, or even a decent armchair one. What I know is what I know. And changing schools would be your solution here, imo.
I don't quite see the point of suffering through years of primary so that kids can get into an 'amazing' secondary. By the time they get to that amazing secondary, they've had the stuffing knocked out of them courtesy of having their confidence kicked to the kerb throughout primary. Move him. He'll be more than ok. Oddly enough, he'll probably feel relief to be out of this performance friendship, where he has to be the performing seal just to get some crumbs of friendship. It's tiring for your boy, believe me.

We moved for work reasons and I was worried about my shy children in new school - they were fine in fact one teacher did say it was good for one of them as it made them come out their shell a bit.

Dd2 is very shy and tends to get close to one child - but when us or them have moved on she gone on to find a new close friend and then as older widen it out to small group of friends.

So if you move I'd look at the primary and secondary schools and if okay I'd think about moving on - if nothing else it will be informative if it's just this realationship that was a concern or if your DS needs some additional support more generally.

Your child is clinging to the other child because he feels insecure, that is the issue that needs addressing. The other child is not the issue. Your son is likely to find another one just like him.

I disagree. I think her son is feeling insecure and behaving like a cling-on because he doesn't know how to please his unpredictable friend. OP's son is appeasing this boy. I can guarantee this friend does the push-pull friendship waltz. One minute he's his BFF, the next, he's kicking OP's son to the side. 'Play with me exclusively/Don't play with me because I hate you.' OP's son is insecure because he is in a damaging friendship with a friend who doesn't treat him like a friend at all. That's the bottom line.
In an adult relationship, we call this 'abusive'. We give kids a free pass because they're kids and they're learning how to socialise. But that doesn't mean kids get away scot-free, undamaged by such friendships.

That is a leap and assumption I would say theVanguardsix given op has confirmed the other boy has lots of other friends, and her son is shy and finds it difficult to make friends.

We don't know the facts, but I do know working on your own child's confidence, socialising with other children and widening a child's horizons works, and should be explored before moving schools, otherwise you are simply teaching a child to run away from problems.

If the parents are in the habit of copying you, do you think they would also move their son to the same school?

Thank you all!

I don’t think the other child would move to the new school if we did, because they have two children at the current school.

This child had a big accusation of bullying in reception. I don’t know how it played out - DS was in a different class back then, and the child’s parents didn’t talk to me about it (I heard on the grapevine). So I think this child has form?! I don’t know.

When their child has acted out in front of them when I’ve been there (the negging), they roll their eyes and say nothing. He isn’t nice to his younger brother either. Maybe they don’t want to shame him in front of other people? Or maybe I’m looking for things to confirm my opinion of him?!?!

I don’t want to be controlling, and I don’t want to dislike a 7-year-old, but equally I’d quite like a nice little friend for DS

Secondary options is a good point. If we move, secondary would be different so I think moving primary will definitely help with that friendship transition.

I am definitely going to book in other play dates! I think the list idea is a good one. I’ll do that this evening.

I have voted YANBU, as you’re not unreasonable to do it and I have no advice on whether you should or shouldn’t!

But as PP have mentioned this could well crop up again with a different child at a new school, given you’ve said your DS is shy. My own DS is in YR and has been in a not-a-great-match friendship since nursery, but having seen the boys on a play date I don’t have concerns over manipulation from the other boy, it’s more the bad behaviours that my DS copies (like yours, even down to how he talks etc) and the other boy can be really rough/over excited which my DS doesn’t like.

My DS is what I would say reserved, possibly shy and probably insecure/anxious and so is definitely drawn to the loud, outrageous characters. He had the same sort of friend at his private day nursery at age 3, so I suspect even if my DS moved classes next year (3 form entry) he may well carry on idolising this little boy.

I know I can’t control his friendships so whilst I would probably approach the teacher if I was really worried (there’s a couple of other children now and they seem to play more in a group of 3-4 at play times so I’m less concerned), I think it’s more of a reflection of my DS than the other children. There will always be different characters in every class.

That is a leap and assumption I would say theVanguardsix given op has confirmed the other boy has lots of other friends, and her son is shy and finds it difficult to make friends.

Lots of bullies are popular.

We can't sanitise the characters around our children, it is part of learning to deal with all types including the tricky ones.

I have a shy child too, and so I speak from experience with the list but honestly the way forward is empowerment for your child, he will benefit from bigger groups and different circles of friends.

There might be a worse situation waiting for you in the next school, at problems at school go this is not the biggest or the worst by a long shot. Get the school involved to be sure they are not together next year.

You might find this all evaporates over night, ds finds a new bunch of friends and it solves itself. Most things do in time.

Dd2 was in this situation with a very dominant, overbearing and sometimes downright nasty 'best friend'. I wish I'd moved her tbh. The friendship eventually ran its course at the beginning of year 6, but by then the psychological damage was done.

She has a lovely group of friends at secondary but she struggles to believe that they 'really like' her .

I think moving is fine but simultaneously you need to work on why he's drawn into that friendship.

I think you mentioned shy and possibly anxious. I would speak to the teacher about it now and ask for their thoughts on DS personality and what has drawn him into it and how they can help (don't mention moving).

Codependent is a big word to plant on a 7 year old as is toxic. Kids say random stuff, all the time, and I think there is real wisdom in building up the resilience of your own child both to accept that he can like his friend but can speak up for himself when he says something mean and that he can form friendships with others. Move him or don't, but ultimately this won't be about the other child, this is about your son. Do you struggle to speak up yourself?

@Notsure6 I realise this is an old thread but I am in a very similar situation with my child. What did you end up deciding on?