Move DS schools to escape a friendship? Or is that controlling of me?

[Notsure6]

Ds is in year 2 and this has been ongoing since reception. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but he’s in a toxic and fairly codependent friendship that he isn’t breaking away from, I can’t seem to encourage him to get away from, and don’t think he’s thriving? Maybe I’m overreacting. What do you all think?

This friend was mean when they first met - they had a friend in common and there was a lot of low-level unkindness going on. They weren’t in the same class in reception, (but now are after the school mixed classes up in year 1), so I thought we’d just avoid the boy, and it’d be fine.

Anyway, in year 1 they went in the same class and became inseparable. Ds doesn’t talk about other friends. They do the same after school activity, have the same hobby, and DS chooses this child and no one else to play with. Even when I’ve quit activities this boy and DS do together, and start new ones, the boy’s parents join the new activities we start!

The child lies to DS, says mean stuff when I’m around and probably worse when I’m not, and is VERY competitive. They’re a bad influence on each other and DS imitates his behaviour (even small things like the way he laughs!).

We’ve been considering moving away for a bigger house. We could keep DS at his current school, but there’s a space at a closer school. And now I wonder if it’d be good for DS to get away from this friendship, move schools, and start anew.

But am I being controlling??! Ds thinks the sun shines out of this kid’s arse!!

I’d move them if the nearer school is as good. Otherwise you’ll just be waiting for one of them to grow up and change and it could happen quickly or it might not. My SIL and BIL split up a friendship like this by moving their young DD and they’re really pleased they did, less anxiety for them and healthier friendships for their DD.

It’s a tough one op. I was considering moving my DS schools at a similar age. Not because of a toxic friendship more so because there was a click of mums and boys and I felt other kids were left out.

One mum would present party invitations, in front of the two or three that weren’t invited, like they were golden tickets to willy wonkas chocolate factory!

I’ve got no issue with children not being invited to parties, but don’t give invitations out in front of their faces knowing they aren’t invited. At least do it discreetly. I used to get so mad as my ds would ask why he’s not invited and most others are 😞

In the end I didn’t move schools as i thought it could be worse somewhere else. Thankfully when the classes mixed in the juniors another couple of boys joined and they’ve been great friends ever since. I know my situation is different but the point is, you don’t know what’s round the corner.

Good luck

Your ds chose this friend. There must be something your ds likes about him. He will perhaps choose a similar friend if you move him. I think you seem to be too involved in this and need to maybe step back a little. You may well not like your children's friends but it isn't really your choice. I would only get involved if your ds is unhappy which you say he isn't.

I’ve been in this situation. I’d raise it with it the school and have a chat about whether there is something you can support them doing by encouraging new friendships. It gradually wore my DC down and they were very controlled. School helped but the parents were in denial. If I had my time again, I’d move schools. The child in question eventually relocated and my child was a different kid. Like a weight had been lifted.

I know it can be worrying, but you may just find yourself in the same situation at the next school. Also, you do have to teach your child about relationships and navigation of friendships. My DD has some intense friends and there's a lot of manipulation that goes on. We talk about lot about it, about the behaviour and less so about the child, how to extract herself from a situation she feels uncomfortable about, at what point to talk to me or the teacher. It's not easy, but you can't keep moving schools too.

Definitely talk to the school about ways to open up your child's social circle. These things evolve a lot through the years, dynamics change, other children leave. Have you tried playdates with this child to see how things really are? Or play dates with other kids to foster more friendships?

Have you spoke to the parents of the other child? You can I am sure frame it in such a way that it does not look entirely the other child's fault, which from what you describe it is not.

Does the school mix up classes again at any point?

'Have you spoke to the parents of the other child? You can I am sure frame it in such a way that it does not look entirely the other child's fault, which from what you describe it is not.'

God, never do that. If you need to talk to anyone then talk to staff and ask if they can discreetly mix things up in class so he develops other friendships.

If he is happy I would stick at it. Many kids that age are show offs tbh.

Honestly, moving school seems a bit extreme- especially since so much of the intensity seems to come from your ds.

What does the school say? Do they think the friendship is toxic? Could they put them in separate classes next year maybe?

At your ds' age moving him should not be a problem but you may find he forms a similar friendship at the new school (although not one where the childs parents sign him up for every activity your ds does. That's weird).

Are you moving anyway or are you only moving because of this situation?

'At your ds' age moving him should not be a problem but you may find he forms a similar friendship at the new school'

Yes the quiter dc often seems to end up with the loud one. Managing the situation with inviting other friends over to play etc may be better. Do it in primary as it's out of your hands in senior school.

We had similar. The friendship was far too intense and the boy would say mean things.
I informed school and messaged the mum to say that ds wouldn’t be coming for tea as the friendship had become too intense.

I wouldn’t move school. Could be out of the frying pan, into the fire.

I’d also message the mum to say that ds is starting a new group but we’d appreciate friend not joining too so ds can have some time away.

Moving schools won’t stop their friendship and even if it did, your son could easily replace the friendship with someone who was much less to your liking.

DS is shy and would have to make new friends and he would definitely find that harder than most. (I think that’s why he glues himself to the kid I don’t like much!)

You have a shy child who struggles to make friends, so it's not unlikely that the same thing will happen again at a new school, because it's part of your son's personality at the moment to favour spending lots of time with one child. Shy children also often gravitate to someone louder/ more confident.

Children often go through phases with things like this and by Y3 they may not even be friends anymore.

I think that moving schools for this reason is a little bit extreme and also unfair on your son - dealing with the upheaval the new environment will be much more stressful for him than letting this friendship run its course.

What is your worry really, long term, about how it will affect him? Like I said, by Y3 he might well have a different friend naturally. Honestly I would try not to worry so much and let him figure things out.

My son had a very similar friendship in reception. The friend was super controlling and wouldn't let DS be friends with anyone else, and would look at DS's work and make sure he wrote more or whatever (yes, at age 5!).
Luckily the teacher picked up on it and they were separated into different classes for year 1. (Classes got mixed then anyway). DS was really upset but quickly found other friends and by year 2 this other boy didn't feature at all.
Have you spoken to the teacher OP? Is there any way they can move classes?
If not then yes move schools, especially if you were thinking about doing that anyway. It made such a difference to my son to not be in that friendship. The other boy did ok too, he found more appropriate friendships. There was just something about the dynamic of the two of them that didn't work!
Good luck

Difficult. I have a year 2 child who also has a couple of unhealthy friendships. One child I do not approve of (I don’t like the way my child behaves when he is around), but we know/like/get on with his parents well. The other child is a compulsive liar, which is so tiresome (not so close with his parents, mum is lovely, dad is prone to exaggeration).

Really I think you should address this with the school. Talk to them about what you’re seeing, and ask them to report back on his friendships.

The other thing that makes things complicated for us is that my child has ASD (but is high functioning and other parents don’t know). So I think on some level he will always be a difficult child to get along with. Plus lockdown has affected them psychologically and friendships have been Rocky with emotions running high.

You could move schools, indeed it seems there is a good argument to move to your local school for community integration reasons. I wouldn’t move solely for friendships though; there will be problematic children in every class, so you could just find the same issue.

But I echo other PP about how for some reason some friendships are unhealthy. Child one mentioned above is like this; DS and he have been ‘friends’ since nursery, they absolutely adore each other but do not bring out the best in each other at all.

I think unfortunately shy children often have slightly intense friendships because they identify certain other children they feel 'safe' with (even if it is an unhealthy dynamic) and then they gravitate towards those friends while ignoring the rest of the peer group. They then narrow their social group which can lead to social anxiety and they cling even more to the one or two friends. I think having playdates with other kids in the class is a good idea. Also, encouraging your son to practice making friends in out-of-school contexts... at the playground, clubs and activities, on holiday etc. Slightly difficult with Covid, I know, but I've always thought holidays away (if you're around other families in a hotel or self-catering) are a great chance for kids to practice making friends in a low-risk, unpressured environment.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

I think unfortunately shy children often have slightly intense friendships because they identify certain other children they feel 'safe' with (even if it is an unhealthy dynamic) and then they gravitate towards those friends while ignoring the rest of the peer group. They then narrow their social group which can lead to social anxiety and they cling even more to the one or two friends. I think having playdates with other kids in the class is a good idea. Also, encouraging your son to practice making friends in out-of-school contexts... at the playground, clubs and activities, on holiday etc. Slightly difficult with Covid, I know, but I've always thought holidays away (if you're around other families in a hotel or self-catering) are a great chance for kids to practice making friends in a low-risk, unpressured environment.

I think this is exactly it! He’s shy and thinks this friend is safe.

Interesting views! Thank you everyone! I haven’t approached the teacher about it, but she did mention last year that they distract each other so she keeps them apart in the classroom. Anecdotally I heard that, because of Covid, they won’t be mixing up classes or moving children again as it’s too unsettling.

I don’t think I could talk to his parents, I’m just not that type! I’d find it excruciating!

But I will definitely talk to his teacher.

Yes I’ve wondered if moving him is me trying to control his friendships and I should let it play out. But I can’t see anything other than them staying stuck to each other like glue. The kid is definitely DS’s best friend, and DS talks about him constantly. Hopefully the child will get nicer?! Like I said, he has absolutely lovely parents.

The child is definitely mean though, in a sort of low-level-neggy way. I’ve listened to them enough times, especially when all their chats were on zoom. He’s mean to other kids around as well.

Another good idea about play dates with other children, I will organise.

I keep trying to get new activities where the other child isn’t there - but the child’s family (with the best intentions) book on everything we do! I might try some more activities out of neighbourhood.

But the moving would happen anyway (probably - the market is freaking me out right now!). Where we are is a bit expensive, and a mile or two away is a bit cheaper.

Have you talked to the school?

Sorry x post

ds had a friend like that, the lies were hilarious, anything from my dad got arrested after racing away from police in a car, to having some sort of weird tech that obviously didn't exist.

We knew the parents from when they came to pick him up of we picked ds up from theirs, so made a point, in front of the friend to ask dad about his arrest or the tech 🤣

It is unlikely the child "will get nicer" until your ds gains confidence and stops being so gullible. It is possible for both the children to learn from this relationship. ds realised after a couple of years his friend talked rubbish, he stayed friends with the child for a few years but his friendship group also expanded as he gained more confidence in himself and they drifted apart after going into secondary.

My daughter is very shy and I wouldn’t move her in a similar situation as she is settled and happy at school.
My kids are individuals and if they like someone it’s not my place to say they shouldn’t or even to take that one person away from them! That won’t do much for their feelings of security.
I would try and make some non-school friends and perhaps invite other members of the class over individually to strengthen other bonds.
I’d also kindly correct the other child when being mean and wouldn’t leave them much alone.

And if the parents are so nice perhaps you could do a few weekend activities all together? Probably then the parents would rein friend in a bit and your son would see that he is fallible.

If you're moving, I'd try and book into some activities in the new area once you know you're moving, as this could help with making friends at new school when he changes.