Feeling sad that grandparents still don't want to see us

[Jasmine245]

I am wondering if there are others in this situation and whether it is reasonable to feel like this.

My parents live around 150 miles away. Prior to covid we saw them 3 or 4 times a year. The last time we saw them was December 2019 as since covid started they say have been too worried to meet. I was largely okay with this although last summer I did suggest an outdoor meet up or us all isolating for 2 weeks before but they declined.

It is making me feel sad as I have an older autistic son who asks daily to go to Grandad's house and a 1.5 year old who they have only seen once since he was born. Last year they said they would wait until they were vaccinated to see us. They have now had both vaccines but say they are now too worried about the Indian variant to meet.

I am wondering whether just to give up on our relationship. I call them a couple of times a week on skype so they can see the LO but they never call me. When questioned they say it is because I am busy and it is better I call when free.

They don't have any risk factors other than age, they are in their late 60s/early 70s. They have been going shopping and for walks but not much else and still wipe everything down.

If they are not willing to meet now I don't know when they will ever feel safe enough. It is just making me feel very sad. I have no other family and we don't see our inlaws much either but this is because they cannot do long car rides so we have to travel to them and they have no spare bedrooms.

YANBU, if they're not even willing to meet you with you travelling to them.

I would stop calling them / texting. When they eventually do contact you, tell them how upset you are.

It might just be the kick up the bum they need.

Oh this sounds sad, hope you are ok OP.

If prior to COVID everything was ok with the relationship then I’d continue with the Skype calls but maybe explain to them without judgement that its making you upset? Can you all do lateral flow tests before meeting? Have you been vaccinated?

I would cut down the Skype. If you eldest is constantly asking and you have told them that but they are not responding I think you have to withdraw to protect him.

Unfortunately this mess has left many people very isolated and messed up with the world. They may never come out of it. You need to do what you can to protect your kids.

YANBU. That does seem very extreme and it's really sad for you and your boys that they don't want to meet up, even outdoors.

I wouldn't give up on the relationship entirely, but I would maybe do zoom calls instead and then wait for them to feel more comfortable about meeting.

I know a couple who went a bit like this and didn't see their grandchildren for ages. They took all sorts of extreme precautions, such as not walking along their street because the pavements aren't 2 metres wide and when they did their shopping they only did click and collect and when they collected it they wore full on, floor length rain coats and gloves, mask, hat etc, come rain or shine.

Anyway, they've actually been a lot better since they were vaccinated and have been able to get out more.

But my point is that it seems to have affected some people quite badly.

My DM is the same. She was all about having hugs with me and my DC when it was allowed and now she's done a complete u turn. She's fully vaccinated, we've all had covid, my kids just want to hug gran for the first time in 14 months but no, she's changed her mind. Very upsetting. I'm hoping she'll relax as time goes on.

Yanbu that is such a shame and I imagine is not an uncommon scenario - the pandemic has done so much bad for people's relationships and mental health.
My own parents were similar (my DF was supposed to be shielding tbf) but since having two doses of vaccine are a bit more relaxed. They will see us but barely anyone else. Seeing her grandchildren is pretty much the only thing my DM has been bothered about since the beginning of the pandemic.
I'd also be easing off on the calling/texting. And letting them know how difficult it is for you all.

You certainly need an honest conversation telling them what effect this is having on your relationship with them and what they're missing out on. They're being ridiculous and maybe need a wake up.

Also,could you stay overnight in a B&B or Premier Inn type place when visiting your In Laws? Or perhaps you already do.

It's pretty sad that they'll go to a shop with strangers but not meet family outdoors

TBH if it was me, I'd pull back on the Skype calls - then if they say anything, bring it up with them. Tell them your DS is getting confused with it all

I think it's right that you call them when you are free. Your timetable changes when you don't have children, mealtimes included. You might have to cut down if it's upsetting your son.
I think that they are right to be cautious. I was on the shielding list and I'm not going into pubs etc until a couple of months. My decision making is because my DD needs me for childcare. Older people who are vaccinated are still being hospitalised.

Just stop calling. If they care they’ll call you

It is really sad. My parents are also not keen to meet up, less from actual covid risk but because my dad has become quite frail and lost confidence during lockdown due to not leaving the house. I know how much it hurts. I’m afraid I don’t have advice, but for you.

I think if the calls are contributing to your son’s upset then I would stop. What do your parents say when he asks them when he can visit? Have you told them how you feel?

It's fair to protect yourself emotionally.

We're spending €€€€ to see MiL for the first time in what's already more than 18m. I appreciate that she is genuinely vulnerable (and the reality is that it would be unreasonable to assume years of annual visits ahead of us with her age and state of health), but it stings that she's offered two-tier visiting as DH and I will be doubly vaccinated so we can go into the house, but our unvaccinated 8 & 10 yos will have to stay outside Doubly frustrating as there are photos of a teenage cousin indoors (during term time) whereas mine will be lower risk by age and school holidays! We're currently looking at having to isolate for this trip (unless government restructions ease...) and have taken precautions such as booking a cabin rather than communal spaces on the ferry.

Covid isn't going away and is being managed to a risk comparable with flu. People who are being hyper-cautious without substantial medical reason need to accept at some point that if they choose to hide away from Covid risk forever, it will compromise their relationships and general life. Many of us have had to be patient for over a year but there's a limit to how far we can compromise ourselves indefinitely.

Sounds like my parents. They basically fled to their second home last Feb (in the middle of nowhere). They only do click and collect/have shopping delivered, wipe it all down, isolate post for 3 days etc. They haven't stepped foot past the confines of the village fir over a year.
I had pre eclampsia with my baby last year and was very, very unwell. I had the baby, my husband has had surgery and ended up with a pulmonary embolism. They still haven't emerged, despite having both doses of the vaccine and the only risk factor being age (early 60s).
My older 2 constantly ask to see them and it breaks my heart.
Cut down on the contact- I had to do the same as it was upsetting the children and myself

YANBU. That's very sad.

I don't quite understand why they can't travel to see you. It's only 150 miles! That's surely less than 4 hrs drive away? I quite understand that they'd need to stay overnight, but that's permitted now - and if they didn't want to stay in your house, there are plenty of hotels open.

I think yabu. Who are you to question their level of risk and what they are comfortable with? That is entirely their right to do so. Also with Skype calls, really how practical is that with small children?
Have you been to travel to them? You say its only 150 miles, after a long time of not making that trip you kind of don't actually want to. Going down to the shop is not the same as making that journey. Step away a bit if you feel to be over investing but I really don't think they are bu to not want to travel.

I’m sorry you are feeling sad. It has been terrible.
Likely they are feeling frightened of dying.

For many any risk is too great.
Keep up with the Skype and hope that this is over in 6 mths

I'd be very hurt by this. However, I don't think it's that unusual sadly. This has really frightened a lot of people. It's done immeasurable damage IMO. The risk of meeting them now is low, when are they going to decide it's 'safe'.

I think we have become so used to being careful that the habit is difficult to break. We have become used to fear. That will dissipate soon. Then all will be well and hopefully more normal.

It is horrible, isn't it. I saw my mum once last August for a couple of hours. She has called me once since March 2020 (on my birthday for 5 mins).

She just isn't that bothered about me or the dc. Out of sight, out of mind etc. I'm not holding out any hope that things will improve. She seems happy tucked up at home, pottering to her local shops. Chatting to neighbours. I've run out of energy to keep the relationship going. But his isn't a new problem iyswim. Covid and Lockdown have simply ripped off the paper that was covering the cracks.

Definitely cut down on the Skype. Tell them that you are more than happy to travel to them when they are ready but will be cutting down the Skype as it upsets your ds. Put the ball firmly in their court.

Unfortunately the situation has revealed a lot of these one sided relationships. From my experience no grandparent ever asked to be and most of them aren't interested.

This is so sad. It's depressing how people are letting covid take over their lives, even after vaccines. Unfortunately I very much doubt anything you say will persuade them - but I must admit, I'd be tempted to have one big push to make them realise they're being ridiculous, even if it results in an argument. You might guilt trip them into seeing you which will then normalise it for them. 'Mum, Dad, while I've got you on zoom, I want to get a date in the diary to see you. It makes me really sad you've only met xx once since he was born, and now you've both been vaccinated there is no good reason we can't meet up outside. I'm planning to book xx location where we can all meet up and spend some time together. Does dd/mm work for you?' And then if they make excuses, challenge them. I personally couldn't give up a relationship with my parents without a good fight - but if a more direct approach doesn't work, then I would be tempted to write it off until they feel comfortable.

The not calling you part I do understand - if they are retired and flexible it makes sense for you to call them.

I think it must be very hard for you to accept. I have a friend who is 45 and lives with her mother. When lockdown first started she sent in a sick note to work and hasn't returned.

Neither of them has set foot over the doorstep apart from going for their vaccinations, since last March. Both of them are terrified of the virus and they feed each others' anxiety.

The Indian variant has sent her into a tailspin and now she has decided to resign and will live off her Mum.

I have tried to gently reason with her, but she simply cannot get past the fear.

I think you have to realise that their lack of contact is something that is now probably ingrained. Essentially, they are institutionalised to behave this way and it will be very hard to break the cycle.

It will be up to you to keep trying and persuading them to venture further, if you want to maintain a relationship with them.

I think out of sight, out of mind is definitely a thing. Mine have kept going on about how desperate they are to see us and saw us outside at Easter. That’s been it.

Similar distance and they’re very happy to drive usually. But it’s been difficult because we are only free one weekend day due to kids’ activities on the other, and they babysit their other DGC sometimes, then there’s my dad’s golf and, you know, life is busy. (No shit, I’m working not-very-part-time-at-all with two kids under six, life is indeed busy!)

I would mind less but they’ve stopped phoning as well. It’s as if now they can see us, in their head a box is ticked so they don’t have to make any effort. It’s really frustrating. Especially as my DC1 used to be so close to them.

I wouldn't put them in a spot to pin down a date. Op it seems like they are comfortable in their lives. Maybe talk to them how this upsets you, but It doesn't mean that they don't care.
I think alot of people have found over this period, how much it freed them from all sorts of obligations and many have made choices to be a bit selfish.

It’s awful and I really feel for you but I think some people have been severely affected by all of this. I was speaking to a distant family member on the phone the other week and they were telling me how afraid they are to go out still, even though they have had both jabs. I asked when they last left the house and they said they had only left the house twice since the pandemic began, both times to attend close friends’ funerals. My heart broke for them and I have no idea how to help.

Obviously protect your ds, and if that means reducing the number of Skype calls then so be it. But if they are good parents overall I would try to be patient with them. I think some may be feeling the effects of this emotionally for a good while to come.