Feeling sad that grandparents still don't want to see us

[Jasmine245]

I am wondering if there are others in this situation and whether it is reasonable to feel like this.

My parents live around 150 miles away. Prior to covid we saw them 3 or 4 times a year. The last time we saw them was December 2019 as since covid started they say have been too worried to meet. I was largely okay with this although last summer I did suggest an outdoor meet up or us all isolating for 2 weeks before but they declined.

It is making me feel sad as I have an older autistic son who asks daily to go to Grandad's house and a 1.5 year old who they have only seen once since he was born. Last year they said they would wait until they were vaccinated to see us. They have now had both vaccines but say they are now too worried about the Indian variant to meet.

I am wondering whether just to give up on our relationship. I call them a couple of times a week on skype so they can see the LO but they never call me. When questioned they say it is because I am busy and it is better I call when free.

They don't have any risk factors other than age, they are in their late 60s/early 70s. They have been going shopping and for walks but not much else and still wipe everything down.

If they are not willing to meet now I don't know when they will ever feel safe enough. It is just making me feel very sad. I have no other family and we don't see our inlaws much either but this is because they cannot do long car rides so we have to travel to them and they have no spare bedrooms.

Have you told them you miss them and want to see them?

I have several friends in their 60's and 70's who simply will not leave the house, all contact is them in their porch and me at the end of the drive. And no it isn't extreme shielding, it's an acute fear of the outside world. The big problem for them is unvaccinated school children, who transmit the virus.

"The big problem for them is unvaccinated school children, who transmit the virus."

There's not the evidence. Its a very convenient lie to just ditch family.

@3scape

"The big problem for them is unvaccinated school children, who transmit the virus."

There's not the evidence. Its a very convenient lie to just ditch family.

Fear has no rationality - a bit like people who are frightened of sponges, no?

I'm sorry it's a hard situation but I think you're BU. We've just had endless news coverage of people dying in the streets in India with countless scaremongering stories about the Indian variant coming here. I think it's natural to be scared, especially for the older generations. By all means call less if that will help you. But honestly I don't think their fear has anything to do with you. They still love you.
I'd try to have serious conversations with your children about their expectations and try to plan something as a family, maybe next year when hopefully everyone feels a little safer.

Thanks all for your comments. It is really sad to see that there are so many others in similar situations. I really hope over time relationships can be mended.

I find I keep flitting between feeling sympathy for the way they are feeling to thinking that they can't really be this scared and it is just an excuse for them now not to bother with us. My Mum has now booked a hair appointment for the first time since covid started although she keeps saying how scared she is about it. On one hand I am pleased that she is getting the confidence to go out more but on the other I am sad that she thinks that her hair is more worthy of the risk than seeing us.

My DH and I have both had two vaccinations as we are carers and we both had covid last year so I don''t think we pose much of a risk. Plus we are willing to travel to them and stay in an airbnb if necessary and do lateral flows first.

It is tricky with my older son to get him to understand. He has quite severe autism and is in a special school and does not really understand about covid at all or why he can't do certain things. This is not made any easier by all the rule changes and the arbitrariness of some of the rules. I think these are hard enough for neurotypical people to understand. He is not upset by the skype calls as he is not involved in these, it is just me and my younger son doing these when he is at school.

I might back away from the skype for a bit but my younger son does engage quite well with these and I would like him to have a relationship with his GPs if at all possible.

Move to phone calls between you and them and involve the children less and less would be my advice.

I think there's fear and differing time perceptions - a year feels less time older you are I think my family who make it hard to visit them often get caught out with time and how old the children are since they last saw them but then forget and make it hard to visit again.

I does upset me at times - but I try and think it is what it is.

@Cassilis

YANBU, if they're not even willing to meet you with you travelling to them.

I would stop calling them / texting. When they eventually do contact you, tell them how upset you are.

It might just be the kick up the bum they need.

Perfect advice.

I'm so sorry to hear this. YANBU.

They are presenting it as 'Covid fear' but I wonder if that is only part of the story. I think some people have just lost the ability to socialise or do things they would normally do without thinking, the outside world seems quite overwhelming.

I am in my early 60s and while I was keen to get back to doing things as soon as permitted, I did find it quite alien to begin with - I had a bit of reluctance and had to make myself do it. If they don't take that first step they can't reach the realisation that actually it's not scary, it's fine, and they will enjoy it. I hope they do manage to take that step soon, because the longer they stick in their comfort zone, the harder it will be to leave it.

OP, I felt a bit sympathy to your parents until you wrote about the hair appointment. That's more risky than meeting with you. It sounds like you're offering all the precautions, you've all been vaccinated, you're willing to social distance, do the tests, and stay in an Airbnb...
I don't know what I would do but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I hope your parents will finally see you.

I'm sorry, it sounds tough, especially if your DC are asking for grandparents.

I think a lot of people are using Covid as an excuse. 150 miles is not far. My parents live a similar distance away (3-4 hours). Since restrictions were first eased at the end of March, we have met them 3 times outside (halfway in various parks and playgrounds). We have frozen our asses off in the cold and rain while trying to attach golfing umbrellas to various sodden picnic tables to keep us dry. We've discovered some new interesting places I would never have thought to visit before. It's not always been fun, but I'm so pleased they've made the effort to see DC, who adores them, even if we would all rather have been inside with a hot cup of tea.

I have a friend in similar circumstances. she has seen her parents once (outside for an hour or two last august) since Dec 2019. Her parents are fully vaccinated she and her husband have had their first. They won't even meet her outside now. She's kind of accepted their relationship has been damaged beyond repair especially as inlaws travelled down from northern Scotland (8 hr drive) as soon as they were allowed to this week. A large proportion of our population who were prone to anxiety anyway have been psychologically terrorised and won't recover in my opinion.

My Mum has now booked a hair appointment for the first time since covid started although she keeps saying how scared she is about it. On one hand I am pleased that she is getting the confidence to go out more but on the other I am sad that she thinks that her hair is more worthy of the risk than seeing us.

I think a hair appointment is a bit different. It'll only last about 45 minutes, everyone wears masks, and presumably it's local so no one is travelling. It's good that she is finally prepared to do something 'new', but a hair appointment is a lot less 'adventurous' than spending days in close contact with several family members.

I wouldn't see it as a sign they are not bothered about seeing you, unless there is a backstory that means you have other reasons to think that. I'd see it as a sign she's edging out of her comfort zone.

When you visit do you stay at their house. A lot of older people don't like the upheaval of visitors especially with young children. I know some do. Id just cut the calls to once every two or three weeks and dont mention visiting for the time being.

Similar here. My parents are 'too anxious' to meet me far less my partner and children due to fear although it doesn't stop them running around after my other siblings and friends. It's hard to not take it as a very personal rejection. I was very poorly last year and they kept their distance then (heart condition not contagious) but lo and behold when my sister was poorly they were up the hospital every day with bits for her. Out of sight out of mind. It made me upset to see the families on telly hugging delightedly. Apparently my parents aren't bothered about hugging me. Sympathy OP.

We are in this situation with in laws. We are supposed to go see them at half term for a couple of days. But if the indian variant continues to rise then I think they will cancel us. Both OH and I have only had 1 vaccine each and kids had none.

I think those who have stayed home all the time have a greater level of fear. (And don't realise that actually the world is still turning and people are still getting up to regular activities.)

Just give them time. A hair cut is a great first step. I'm sure it will be fine to see them by the summer.

Just to say I understand. My parents complain constantly how much they miss us but despite being double vaccinated won't see us. They are missing out on so much.

Similar here. We would often stay with family. They are fully vaccinated, large house, I've had one jab and we'd test prior to visit. They said we can't go at the end of half term. I'm gutted because my teen would benefit from seeing them. Neither of us has bubbles or visitors, I wfh.
I'm doing the mature thing and shopping alot to take my mind off it.

It probably doesn't help that in the news they are currently talking about the possible delay for the next stage of the roadmap due to the Indian variant.

If she has booked a hair appointment then that is a good sign. If they were out and about meeting friends etc but refusing to see you then I would take it personally, but they are not.

My parents have always waited for us to phone them, rather than them phone us unless there is something important/exciting to tell us as we have a much busier life than them (especially pre-COVID) so didn't want to interrupt us if we were doing something.

Makes such sad reading, it’s almost as though some people want a totally risk free life & the only way that could be achievable is by staying at home seeing no one, it doesn’t stop anyone becoming unwell to a myriad of other illnesses & increasingly MH issues.
I’m grateful my dd let me asses my own risks I continued to care for my dgd’s as her childcare support bubble after last years initial lockdown & like some pp we’ve met up in atrocious weather just so we can see one another, tbh I can’t bare the thought of not seeing my dgd’s to me it’s worth the risk, but I can understand when fear takes over it’s very hard & rationalisation becomes even more difficult if you are caught up in that mindset, I’m not a covid denier but I can’t live my life without seeing my dgd’s.
I also recognise I’m lucky in that my family live very close by so don’t have to factor in travelling etc, I’m sorry so many of you are missing family.

My family have cleaners and are going to cafes (I am not doing these things). I think it's us, not covid tbh.

Some people use covid as an excuse and others are genuinely afraid of going out after staying home for so long.
I think you need an honest chat with them to say that if they still won't meet then what is the point of staying in touch? What are they actually afraid of? When will they consider it "safe"? Even if covid didn't exist, one of your children might give them flu which could kill them. Or they could die of something unrelated.
The Indian variant isn't any more severe than any previous variants, and is thought to be susceptible to the vaccine so either they are completely irrational or they are making excuses

It is better for you to have the convenience of video calling them when you are free. (If they aren't tech-savvy, it would also be worthwhile helping them set up smartphones or social media accounts so they can send texts or photos without needing an immediate response. If they already are avid phone users, it's worth reminding them that they can text anytime without worrying if you're free because you can reply when you're actually free.) You have young children to juggle; they are adults without dependents. They have more "free" time than you.

It is good that your mom feels ready to try venturing outdoors albeit just for a haircut. It's been a long time, under trying circumstances, for everyone. Life is different now. There are still risks and a full vaccine rollout (including children) isn't likely to be achieved until the end of the year at the earliest. (I think the various med trials for kids won't be completed until autumn?) I feel that 2022 will be much happier for your family if you hang in there and give your parents a little more time to readjust to the "new normal". x

I hope I didn’t come across as smug in my pp, I wasn’t shielding which I think made it easier for me as time went on to assess my risk & weighing up seeing or not seeing dgd’s against the toll it was taking on my mental health & how much they missed not seeing me.

I'd definitely cut the video calls to once a fortnight. Video calling with young children is a complete faff to organise and supervise. It's just another annoying chore for the parents. I'm so pleased we're not doing that anymore with parents/ILs.

This is so very sad, I lost my only grandchild in 2019, I would travel hours and continents to see that child if it were possible.
I also have a friend who lost both her daughter and grandchild in an accident, and a friend who is estranged from her son and is not "allowed" to contact her GC's
Sometimes people do not realise how fortunate they are to have GC's and a loving family who are happy to visit.
I hope your parents come to their senses soon OP.