DH drinks while WFH - AIBU?

[Bottlingitup]

Am I being unreasonable here? Every conversation we have about this, I come away feeling like he does not acknowledge there might be a problem.

We've been WFH since the first lockdown last year. In recent months my DH has started drinking 2-3 beers in the afternoon while working from home. This has become near daily and he'll often carry on in the evening with 2-3 glasses of wine while making dinner.

I feel like there are so many red flags (drinking while working being the most obvious) but he disagrees and will often try to avoid discussing it. I don't put beer in the grocery order so he goes to the corner shop to get beer and claims he drinks beer because he likes the taste of it. But can't give any cogent explanation as to why he starts drinking in the afternoon during working hours.

Recently he didn't drink for 3 weeks to prove to himself that he could be teetotal - and now he uses that to reassure himself that he doesn't have a problem ("I can stop when I want to").

In the past 24 hours he drank a whole bottle of wine by himself and didn't offer me a glass or let me see that he was drinking. When I noticed the empty bottle in the recycling bin and confronted him about that this evening, he tried to deflect by pointing out that our good friends also drink "a couple of bottles between the two of them each night". Then he admitted he would rather not drink at all, than have to be moderate (because he finds it very difficult to stop after 1 or 2 glasses).

We have a 5 year old and he thinks nothing of drinking a few beers or having a few glasses of wine while having sole charge of our son in the afternoon or evening (e.g. while I am out). We disagree on this.

I'm worried about his health and dependency - but he thinks he doesn't have one. AIBU? I'm made to feel like my concerns are unreasonable. At a loss and need some perspectives.

He's got a problem with alcohol. Normal people don't need 3 beers in an afternoon when they are supposed to be working. He wouldn't be able to do it in an office.

And I imagine his employers wouldn't be thrilled about it.

Slippery slope.

He sounds like he's trying to find an outlet for his frustrations. Could be work, lockdown or both/more stressing him. I did the same when I was stressed at work. My partner did reverse psychology by saying he felt like drinking all the time too and made out he understood where I was coming from. That got me to open up as I didn'tfeel judged. It was only afterwards that I realised he wasn't actually wanting to drink. Hopefully your DH can open up sooner rather than later.

@MadMadMadamMim

He's got a problem with alcohol. Normal people don't need 3 beers in an afternoon when they are supposed to be working. He wouldn't be able to do it in an office.

And I imagine his employers wouldn't be thrilled about it.

Agree, and hiding empty cans/bottles means he's on the pathway to becoming an alcoholic.

I wouldnt think that he is alcohol dependent but that if he fancies "a" beer, it gives him a taste and he cant just stop at one. I sympathise as I am the same. I can go months without a drink but if I have one, I want another one and will finish the bottle.

It is a slippery slope because I think people like use will find a reason to buy 2 bottles, then 3 then a bottle of gin as "It works out cheaper as it will last a few days" (that was my ex MILs logic. She died as a result of her drinking) and then its a bottle of gin a day......

I am aware of this and luckily havent had the isolation that many have had in the last year otherwise I can easily see me ending up as a "Vodka for breakfast" person. Some people are predisposed to drink issues, I am one and I suspect you husband is too. Would he agree to only drinking one day a week?

Is he going back into the office soon?

YANBU
If it's the taste he likes then he could switch to non alcoholic beers easily
If he's drinking every day then this is clearly an issue
I hope you can find him the support he needs

@Tubs11

As a former pub manager I can tell you that there isnt a single non alcoholic lager that tastes anything like the alcoholic version. I have had to do tastings and the person leading it admitted that they are hollow imitations.

If you do like the taste (and I do, which is why I dont drink it) then the non Alc version will be like giving someone who likes fresh squeezed OJ a pint of Tesco Value squash.

Well it depends.

It is a slippery slope for sure and just creeps up slowly. Some can keep it under control. Some can't. Some think they can and 20 years later think how the hell did I get here.

OTOH in my industry pub at lunchtime is still done. We have team drinks on zoom in work time (4 start). If it's something really weak and he doesn't go mad then I wouldn't get too worked up about it. I think it's fairly common esp in lockdown. Not good obv. But not unusual.

Is he getting drunk?
Does he keep going for hours?
Is he hungover?

Agree that saying he likes the taste is bollocks. That means he's lying to himself.

Also that he'd rather have nothing than drink less is a bad sign.

Also the fact he is so defensive about it.

On balance. It's not looking too clever.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

I find other people's inappropriate drinking a complete drain, to be honest.

The refusal to even entertain a problem, the focus on proving or disproving. The comparing to others, attempts to normalise.

Bloody exhausting.

Drinking while working indicates a problem, unless it's team drinks on Zoom

"A few glasses of wine" at night, when 5 year old is asleep in bed - I'd be ok with him having up to 3 glasses, assuming child has good health ie no particular reason to think there's likely to be an issue

@PyongyangKipperbang if I had a problem with the fresh oj though, I might use the value squash as a way to replace a bad habit...

What would happen if he needed to drive anywhere after he’s started drinking? Especially if he’s in charge of your child.

Apart from anything else, it’s not healthy to drink daily. The liver needs a break regularly, not just once a year in January.

It's not normal - he's definitely got a problem. I'm so sorry this is happening to your family @Bottlingitup

DH recently cut down drastically, and disagree that there aren't any decent alcohol free beers.

He needs to want to change his habit though

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Tubs11

As a former pub manager I can tell you that there isnt a single non alcoholic lager that tastes anything like the alcoholic version. I have had to do tastings and the person leading it admitted that they are hollow imitations.

If you do like the taste (and I do, which is why I dont drink it) then the non Alc version will be like giving someone who likes fresh squeezed OJ a pint of Tesco Value squash.[/quote]
I disagree with this actually - DH drinks non-alcoholic beer, there's only one or two he can tolerate but the range has expanded hugely in the last few years. The stuff you can get in most British pubs - Becks blue? - is rank, but a big supermarket will usually have something decent. Funnily enough DH will sometimes have a non-alcoholic beer as he's working and I don't like it and I have no good reason, its purely psychological.

OP I think he definitely is developing dependency, and the question is what you can do about it. Will he be due back in the office any time soon? Is it possible this is a behaviour borne out of lockdown monotony and stresses and a change in routine might help?

I have family members with alcohol issues, ranging from functional alcoholic to 'I realised I was starting to need rather than look forward to my nightly bottle of wine over dinner so I stopped.' I think the main things are, you can't control him or his behaviour. He says he'd rather stop than drink moderately - so can you say you'd rather he stopped? Or didn't drink for 4/7 nights a week? If he's having 3 beers and 3 glasses of wine a night he's at least tipsy, I'd hate if DH was like that every single night, especially with a young child in the house. The biggest question you have to answer yourself is what you'll do when he ignores you're ultimations, and how bad it has to be for you to act.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. @Pals812 I thought so as well (that some empathy would help re reverse psychology) but think it's gone beyond that given his defensiveness, e.g. saying look other friends do it too etc.

He's definitely highly functioning and doesn't get wasted or drunk at home - but it's noticeable when he's had a couple or more as he'll look lethargic/not very focused/slight slurring and less steady walking, not to mention more snoring. He doesn't get hungover, and can wake up at silly o clock the next morning to go out for a run or some other exercise. But then to me that's not necessarily an indicator that his drinking is ok (much like being teetotal for 3 weeks doesn't mean that the drinking isn't a problem)?

It's exhausting as I frankly don't want to have to notice it and bring it up when it happens. In other respects he is wonderful and very responsible. So this really jars with that. I don't really know what to do next.

@Thebookswereherfriends we live in the city so driving is not really an issue

To those asking about going back to the office - it's hybrid working from here on, so 1-2 days in the office at most.

It's got me wondering if going into the office more times a week would solve things. But then would that deal with the underlying issues?

I’d be pissed off if I was his employer and he was drinking 3 cans of lager while working .

That's a really bad habit and a slippery slope.

A glass of wine or two while a child is around/asleep is fine in my opinion but people's tolerance and reaction to alcohol differs.

I'm partial to a glass of wine in the evening myself, maybe up to 3 nights during the week. On weekends I might have a couple in the evening especially if we are socialising. Alarm bells started ringing in my head when DH first used this as an argument ("but it's not like you don't drink too") - I can spot deflection from a mile away and it really bothered me.

Now-sober MNetter here 👋

I haven't had a drink in almost three years because I could not moderate. I was like your DH (not the drinking while working) but the drinking in the evening to wind down, the justifying it by saying "everyone does it!", glassy eyed, slurring, reduced mobility but 100 per cent believing I appeared sober. I'd still get up the next morning early and go to work, be completely functioning (probably with more attention to detail to counteract any impairments...) and rinse & repeat.

I also lived in a city so driving to work was not an issue.

Stopping completely because you can't moderate is indicative of a problem. Hiding alcohol (I did it) is a problem. I say this as a person who had a drinking problem and had no choice but to cut it out completely: your DH has a problem.

Worth noting also that no one else around me apart from DH (no DC at the time) noticed that I was drinking that much at all. I did lose some friends after I got sober because me not drinking made them question their relationship with alcohol...and they didn't want to admit their own issues.

Thank you @bloodyhell19

I think you've nailed it.

In my mind, he needs to want to change. If not, it may come to ultimatums - I have thought about asking him to go for counselling or CBT to explore this behaviour/dependency.

Well done @bloodyhell19. Would love to give up completely.

@Bottlingitup, you know him best and you're right to feel concerned. Usually the drinking is masking something else, so maybe try not to talk about the drinking itself but see whats pushing him to drink uncharacteristically. What are his usual coping mechanisms, could it be they haven't been accessible because of lockdown and this is his new outlet? Its hard to know unless he says. I would monitor it for a week or so and then start digging with conversations aimed at what you suspect the cause to be. Good luck.