DH drinks while WFH - AIBU?

[Bottlingitup]

Am I being unreasonable here? Every conversation we have about this, I come away feeling like he does not acknowledge there might be a problem.

We've been WFH since the first lockdown last year. In recent months my DH has started drinking 2-3 beers in the afternoon while working from home. This has become near daily and he'll often carry on in the evening with 2-3 glasses of wine while making dinner.

I feel like there are so many red flags (drinking while working being the most obvious) but he disagrees and will often try to avoid discussing it. I don't put beer in the grocery order so he goes to the corner shop to get beer and claims he drinks beer because he likes the taste of it. But can't give any cogent explanation as to why he starts drinking in the afternoon during working hours.

Recently he didn't drink for 3 weeks to prove to himself that he could be teetotal - and now he uses that to reassure himself that he doesn't have a problem ("I can stop when I want to").

In the past 24 hours he drank a whole bottle of wine by himself and didn't offer me a glass or let me see that he was drinking. When I noticed the empty bottle in the recycling bin and confronted him about that this evening, he tried to deflect by pointing out that our good friends also drink "a couple of bottles between the two of them each night". Then he admitted he would rather not drink at all, than have to be moderate (because he finds it very difficult to stop after 1 or 2 glasses).

We have a 5 year old and he thinks nothing of drinking a few beers or having a few glasses of wine while having sole charge of our son in the afternoon or evening (e.g. while I am out). We disagree on this.

I'm worried about his health and dependency - but he thinks he doesn't have one. AIBU? I'm made to feel like my concerns are unreasonable. At a loss and need some perspectives.

@Bottlingitup

Thank you *@bloodyhell19*

I think you've nailed it.

In my mind, he needs to want to change. If not, it may come to ultimatums - I have thought about asking him to go for counselling or CBT to explore this behaviour/dependency.

You know your husband best and how he works. Depending on what humour you caught me in, I could either give two fingers to your ultimatums or be completely crippled with shame. My drinking was driven by stress & anxiety & dealing with the high pressure of my job at the time. It was like trying to come down off an adrenaline rush... But these are all things I realised after I got sober. Maybe a gentle confrontation with a week's accumulation of alcohol? "Sorry love I know you don't think you have a problem but X amount is a bit much and I really think we need to address this... "

Sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me. My father was one. Could you ask him to go dry for a month to prove he can be without it.

Suggest he reads Alcohol Explained. You can read the first few chapters for free here

Alcohol is an addictive poison. It sounds quite dramatic saying it like that - but it really is. Alcohol in its purest form would kill us, and we drink it diluted and disguised with sugars etc to make it palatable. But it does nothing for us - even if we think it does.

It took me a long time to get to that way of thinking about alcohol - during lockdown I realised I was drinking too much, every day, thinking about when to start drinking, and (subconsciously) using any excuse to have a drink.

He will need to come to the realisation himself to be honest.

Well as the saying goes: the first step is admitting you have a problem, and your husband is deep in denial.

Drinking during the day and hiding his consumption are big red flags. Would he respond to a serious, sit down, "I am really concerned about your drinking and we need to talk about it" conversation. Don't approach it with anger, make sure you have plenty of time to discuss it and don't allow him to deflect or deny it. He needs to know that he's on a slippery slope and you are not going to allow him to drag you and your DS down with him.

The Allan Carr book about alcohol is really useful if you want to give him a copy to read. It really shows alcohol for the waste of time and money it is.

He might lose his job surely? The stakes are already pretty high for someone without a problem.

If he worked for my company and it was discovered he was drinking during working hours it would be at a minimum a warning but highly likely that he would loose his job over it.

We have a strict no alcohol/drugs policy during working hours. This stands whetehr working in the office or at home. He could be on very thin ice if his employer found out.

@Bottlingitup

I'm partial to a glass of wine in the evening myself, maybe up to 3 nights during the week. On weekends I might have a couple in the evening especially if we are socialising. Alarm bells started ringing in my head when DH first used this as an argument ("but it's not like you don't drink too") - I can spot deflection from a mile away and it really bothered me.

You might have to address your own drinking perception too OP.

Whilst drinking 3 nights in the week and also at weekends is culturally acceptable, it's not enormously healthy and it's quite a lot too (although it won't seem it). it won't help your husband address his own drinking issues if it's normal for you to drink like this.

Liken it to a slim wife scoffing crisps & chocolate at night whilst her food addicted husband does the same and more.

Having the addictive substance in the house and around is hard going if he has a problem.

What is

This would be a sackable offence at my work - we have a zero tolerance policy for drinking while at work, even a shandy at lunchtime is a no-go.

Even if his work doesn’t have a zero tolerance policy, surely they would not allow 2-3 beers during the workday every single day?

“Giving up” for a period of time shows nothing, especially if he was only doing it to prove the point and excuse future drinking. Also, given you’ve caught him hiding bottles from you, how sure are you anyway that he really was teetotal for that time?

I’d also be concerned about his drinking while in sole charge of your DC - I’m not one of those people who thinks you must remain sober at all times, but having beers then smashing an entire bottle would definitely affect his decision making capacity.

Also disagree with the PP about non-alcoholic beers being rank - there’s some good ones out there now.

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Tubs11

As a former pub manager I can tell you that there isnt a single non alcoholic lager that tastes anything like the alcoholic version. I have had to do tastings and the person leading it admitted that they are hollow imitations.

If you do like the taste (and I do, which is why I dont drink it) then the non Alc version will be like giving someone who likes fresh squeezed OJ a pint of Tesco Value squash.[/quote]
I'd disagree with this - don't know if this was a while ago but NA beers have come a long way in the past 5 years, particularly if you look at some of the specialist producers like Big Drop. Now, NA wine on the other hand - all terrible.

@Bottlingitup, you're NBU - his drinking habits are clearly unhealthy. Whether or not he's 'dependent' (but let's face it, sounds like he is) he is drinking too much and at inappropriate times, and he's defensive when challenged. You are right to be concerned here.

This is a tough one, sounds like he's maybe using alcohol as a crutch as a lot of people are these days but that could easily become a big problem. The one good thing is he has shown he can stop....but obvs isn't a good thing that he won't stop.

I personally would say that he can moderate his drinking, because he already has. He could presumably drink a lot more during a whole afternoon than 2-3 beers, especially if it's bottles as that would be about 1.5 pints. The wine on top is a bit much daily, but even so I'd say it isn't necessarily the amount but that it's happening most days.

I would be worried about that, and also just the general effect on his health of drinking quite a few units of alcohol almost daily. His body isn't really getting a break.

I don't know what to suggest though OP, especially as obviously already feels judged on it so you can't even pretend like you want to embark on a joint health kick. I guess I'd just have to talk to him seriously and say you're worried about his health - maybe focus on that more than the drinking problem aspect - and suggest that neither of you drink outside of the weekend? Or my friend's household had a rule that no one would drink until Thursday evening and that seemed to work well for them.

Good luck x

Is it possible he was drinking too much pre-lockdown op?

People with a problem tend to advertise 'some' of their drinking habits, to make those around them think they know how much is being consumed and to stop them looking for clues.

Since he starts drinking at, what, 4pm in the afternoon, then continues on with wine till, say, 11pm, that's 7 hours worth of drink.

I wouldn't say anything to him but do start to look for empties. From experience, car boots, boxes in the garage, back of cupboards etc. My alcoholic father used to drink a bottle of vodka then fill it up with water and put it back in the drinks cabinet. Hiding it in plain sight!

Oh God, don't get drawn into the 'drinking rules' alcoholics use to normalise their habit. I'm not drinking on more than 2 nights a week, I don't drink before 7pm, I stopped drinking for 3 weeks...

You are on a hiding to nowt engaging in that game op.

This is how DH started.
It was bottles of red wine. Then it became vodka because he thought it was less obvious. He ruined both the bathrooms in our new home vomiting red wine all over them.
He is a 'functioning' WFH alcoholic - as in he can get his 'real work' done - but all the signs were there, it just took me a long time to realise.
The slow speech, slurring, bleary watery eyes, 'napping' in the afternoon all the time (he does that anyway but he did it more than normal) and repeating bloody everything all the time. He also smelled awful and I since learned that's the alcoholic ketoacidosis smell. He lied. He still lies. Right up until the point I breathalise him he will say he hasn't' touched a drop. That's what they do. Lie and Deny.
After a couple of horrendous episodes (one of them witnessed by our 14 year old) I gave him ultimatums and he agreed to speak to the GP. Unforunately none of the AA type group were physically running at the time, so he did speak to someone online, but decided he could go sober himself.
It has not been a straight path. But his lapses are less frequent. He just has no 'off' button - to him 'just a small drink' is half a bottle of vodka.

@thesugarbumfairy I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds really horrendous for you and DC.

Would he drink non alcoholic beer if you got it in?

Different people have different views on how much alcohol is acceptable but drinking alone, hiding how much you are drinking and drinking when working are all red flags for problem drinking.

I've taken some of the advice from posters on this thread and sat DH down today at lunchtime to talk things through. I actually wrote down some of the things he'd said before, overlaid with some narrative to describe the indicators of concern (e.g. 'Would rather stop drinking than have to moderate'). Politely showed it to him. Seeing it written down had an impact, I think. He said he did want to change but found it hard. We've agreed some principles (no drinking for X days a week, and certainly never during working hours) and will see how that goes.

I hear you @PandaLady - also don't want to to be my job to police or monitor. If he starts slipping and making excuses then ultimatums will be rolled out.

A lot of people have been sacked from DH's work in the last 12 months for drinking whilst working from home. He needs to be careful his boss doesn't find out.

@Hankunamatata he claims he doesn't like the taste of non alcoholic beer. He's definitely tried a few.

Personally I think the effect of the alcohol is what appeals - makes him feel a bit less inhibited, perhaps even a false sense of 'productivity'. My take is he's probably predisposed to this (alcohol dependency) like some previous posters have suggested they are. Wine and pale ale happen to be the beverages of choice.

@OodieWoodie, do you mind me asking how his work found out that people were drinking while working from home?

As the offspring of two alcoholics (both different kinds, one was the hide it and deny it sherry and vodka type, the other is the 'its just pints of bitter in the pub and wine with my dinner')...

I recognised in my late teens that I was depending on alcohol to have a good time, and stopped it.

I can have a drink and very occasionally do, a rum and coke, a pimms, I am talking 3 alcoholic drinks in the course of a year?

But even though i CAN stop at just one.... I know that predisposition IS there, so I really don't go there.

You don't need all of the common symptoms to have an alcohol problem, just some of them - not being able to stop at one - depending on it to make you feel good/better/confident - that'll do it.

Brewdog make really, really good NA beers, so if he hasn't tried those, he should.

[quote Bottlingitup]@Hankunamatata he claims he doesn't like the taste of non alcoholic beer. He's definitely tried a few.

Personally I think the effect of the alcohol is what appeals - makes him feel a bit less inhibited, perhaps even a false sense of 'productivity'. My take is he's probably predisposed to this (alcohol dependency) like some previous posters have suggested they are. Wine and pale ale happen to be the beverages of choice.[/quote]
I go through phases with alcohol and I would disagree that it's a problem.

He's hiding his drinking which seems bad, but if you obviously nag him about it he's going to be secretive about it and try to justify it. My DP was like this when I drank wine often and it got to a point where I thought I was an alcoholic because of my excuses and secret drinking.

But I just didn't want to put up with him being judgy, now that lockdown has been going on for a while I only drink socially as the appeal of wine in the evening has gone down.

What's his job? There's jobs where you can easily get away with drinking - in my job my work pays for drinks on Friday while everyone works the afternoon!

On the work thing. I know industries are different. And ones based on USA have super strict rules on booze and relationships etc.

Things are different though. It would be a sackable thing in one company/ industry. Aok in another. These things aren't universal.

Mine has lunchtime drinks a lot, boozy parties, boss sometimes says let's go to the pub etc.

If someone was having a beer in the afternoon. Esp at the moment. Who would even know. And if your work is good and you're productive then. I mean who even knows.

That aside.

'He's definitely highly functioning and doesn't get wasted or drunk at home - but it's noticeable when he's had a couple or more as he'll look lethargic/not very focused/slight slurring and less steady walking, not to mention more snoring. He doesn't get hungover, and can wake up at silly o clock the next morning to go out for a run or some other exercise. But then to me that's not necessarily an indicator that his drinking is ok (much like being teetotal for 3 weeks doesn't mean that the drinking isn't a problem)?'

In the end boozers only stop when they want to.

If he's got a prob he will nod along and hide it.

And in the end. Loads of people have a drink or 2 after work every day and are fine.

What's the actual problem? His work is fine, he gets up in the morning, etc etc.

I know that sounds, I don't mean what's your problem like an argument!

Just you're bothered by the numbers and the idea rather than his actual behaviour iyswim.

And in the end. I agree that 3 days off etc doesn't mean anything.

And also in the end. He will do what he does. If he wants to booze he will. He'll just hide it.

And if he's WFH ft like I've been all this time. It is bloody awful. Lots of people doing weird stuff to get through.

If you push him though he'll just start lying tbh.

I stopped drinking 18 months ago after what I now realise was problem drinking for most of my adult life.

Your husband stopped for three weeks but that isn’t enough to really feel the benefits - ask him to stop for 100 days. It’s a good target, it is manageable, and enough time to realise you can have fun without alcohol - more fun! I counted mine via an app and was particularly motivated by the calorie counter (ie how many calories I saved by not drinking) but it also measures saved money.

There are now great AF beers available in the UK - including delicious IPAs.