DH drinks while WFH - AIBU?

[Bottlingitup]

Am I being unreasonable here? Every conversation we have about this, I come away feeling like he does not acknowledge there might be a problem.

We've been WFH since the first lockdown last year. In recent months my DH has started drinking 2-3 beers in the afternoon while working from home. This has become near daily and he'll often carry on in the evening with 2-3 glasses of wine while making dinner.

I feel like there are so many red flags (drinking while working being the most obvious) but he disagrees and will often try to avoid discussing it. I don't put beer in the grocery order so he goes to the corner shop to get beer and claims he drinks beer because he likes the taste of it. But can't give any cogent explanation as to why he starts drinking in the afternoon during working hours.

Recently he didn't drink for 3 weeks to prove to himself that he could be teetotal - and now he uses that to reassure himself that he doesn't have a problem ("I can stop when I want to").

In the past 24 hours he drank a whole bottle of wine by himself and didn't offer me a glass or let me see that he was drinking. When I noticed the empty bottle in the recycling bin and confronted him about that this evening, he tried to deflect by pointing out that our good friends also drink "a couple of bottles between the two of them each night". Then he admitted he would rather not drink at all, than have to be moderate (because he finds it very difficult to stop after 1 or 2 glasses).

We have a 5 year old and he thinks nothing of drinking a few beers or having a few glasses of wine while having sole charge of our son in the afternoon or evening (e.g. while I am out). We disagree on this.

I'm worried about his health and dependency - but he thinks he doesn't have one. AIBU? I'm made to feel like my concerns are unreasonable. At a loss and need some perspectives.

For those people saying it's not a problem or even that it's the beginning of a slippery slope - he's drinking 7 to 15 units a day (depending on the size of the beers/wine) - and I bet its nearer the top end of this as not many people carefully measure out a small glass of wine. He is likely at least 3 times over the legal drink drive, possibly 7 to 8 times over or even more. And this is every day. He's drinking at least 49 units a week possibly 105 units a week - and that's just what the OP knows about. The NHS recommended maximum is 14 units a week - hes drinking at least 3.5 times the maximum recommended, quite possibly 7 or 8 times the recommended maximum. He could easily be drinking the weekly recommended maximum in a day, every day. This isn't the start of a slippery slope; this is a significant problem.

As well as the amount and the frequency there are also other huge red flags about his drinking habits - sensible boundaries around the context of his drinking have gone and he is putting himself and others in potentially risky situations (drinking at work, drinking this much while having sole care of a child). He is hiding his drinking and not being honest about his drinking. Most people who do this are drinking even more than their partner is aware of. When confronted about his drinking, he minimises and gaslights. He openly says he cannot moderate his alcohol intake.

If this isn't a drinking problem, then I don't know what is - if there was a checklist it ticks pretty much all the boxes.

OP it's good to see your update and that you've talked to him about this, however I would be concerned about the idea he plans to moderate his drinking, both because he's already said he can't do this, and because he's already being deceptive about his drinking. I also think you need to think very carefully about letting him have sole charge of your son while he is drinking like this. His judgement is bound to be impaired.

I agree you you shouldn't Police or monitor, but so do think you should find out the full extent of his consumption. Alcoholics lie.

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Tubs11

As a former pub manager I can tell you that there isnt a single non alcoholic lager that tastes anything like the alcoholic version. I have had to do tastings and the person leading it admitted that they are hollow imitations.

If you do like the taste (and I do, which is why I dont drink it) then the non Alc version will be like giving someone who likes fresh squeezed OJ a pint of Tesco Value squash.[/quote]
You like the taste because it has alcohol in it rather than just enjoying the taste. If you gave beer to a child or a young adult they would not enjoy the taste (as it is essentially a poison) but they become accustomed to it over time. So whilst I agree the non alcoholic beers do not taste the same they are a good replication if you want a similar taste (rather than a squash or hot drink) without the alcohol. I think the key point here is the husband does not like the "taste" he likes the alcohol - which is a whole world of difference.

Alcoholism is when drinking affects your daily life in a negative way, which I'd say drinking at work (even if not physically at the normal workplace) definitely counts.

It's understandable and requires support and sympathy rather than anger IMO. The covid situation has caused a lot of damage to people's mental health and it may be his way of trying to cope even if he doesn't realise that's why he's doing it. He'll need to be kindly but firmly convinced to get some help.

I thought I'd provide an update as am continuing to struggle with this.

About a week in, I ended up confronting him yesterday evening as he left an empty bottle of beer on his desk.

He'd agreed to do Mon-Fri no alcohol unless there was an after-work social (on a day where he goes into the office). He didn't go into the office yesterday but his rationale was "I wanted one and it's Thursday when I could have been at an after-work social, so I had a beer at 5:30 after my last work call".

My suspicion is that he would have been thinking about having a drink the entire afternoon, for him to have popped out to buy a beer and then have it at 5:30 on the dot. I feel like I've overreacted, but equally that he's overstepped the boundaries of what we agreed - and he acknowledged that he had gone down a slippery slope.

He pointed out (politely I might add) that I spoke to him like his mother. That is really bothering me as I don't know that I can tread the fine line here between bring supportive and being controlling. I am actually going to seek some counselling for this for myself.

@DeathStare, just wanted to add that I think you have really hit the nail on the head.

The hiding his drinking from you and inability to just have one drink are alcoholic trademarks, as is the denial. Unfortunately you can do absolutely nothing. He has to recognise he has a problem and do something about it himself. I live with a recovering alcoholic and recognise the signs all too well.

@Thebookswereherfriends

What would happen if he needed to drive anywhere after he’s started drinking? Especially if he’s in charge of your child.

He gets a taxi. Like any single parent or parent home alone. In the HIGHLY unlikely situation he'd need to take the child somewhere.

Unfortunately this sounds very like the beginning of my ex husbands decent into alcoholism. Culminated in him losing a brilliant job, his friends, marriage, relationship with DD and eventually being institutionalised due to brain damage (korsakov’s syndrome). Dismissing inappropriate drinking as only beer and hiding evidence are huge red flags. Raise merry hell op - get him to confront it. I often look back and wonder if I hadn’t been so acquiescent could he have stopped before it spiralled out of control

He pointed out (politely I might add) that I spoke to him like his mother. That is really bothering me as I don't know that I can tread the fine line here between bring supportive and being controlling. I am actually going to seek some counselling for this for myself.

He's deflecting OP, I've been there & I've done it. Instead of really addressing the drinking and rationale for drinking, he's turned this on you making it a problem. I would advise you to reach out for professional help in how to tackle this... Dealing with an alcoholic in denial is difficult & tedious. I haven't met one who hasn't reached for manipulation before they reach for help.

Thank you for the update OP. Sadly I forsee that the excuses will increase over time, I wish you luck.

If you spoke to him like his mother, it's only because he's behaving immaturely and is in need of adult intervention, since he can't moderate his drinking for himself.

Don't beat yourself up over seeing a problem and trying to do something about it! You shouldn't have to be taking the parent's role with him, though, and it's not good for the relationship in the long term if you have to become his minder or the stand-in for his missing ability to self-regulate.

He has got a problem, and by default you have got a problem OP because being married to someone with alcohol issues can be very difficult.
Sadly quite a few alcoholics in my family, I've seen denial, minimising, I witnessed behaviour that children shouldn't be exposed to. I thought it was normal to go and fetch beer after beer from the fridge for these relatives, fortunately not my parents.
I saw alcoholics give up for Lent and then spend the entire Easter shitfaced because they had just proved they were not an alcoholic by going off it for Lent (not sure if they went off it or cut down but either way it proved only that they had been thinking of nothing else for weeks).
Drinking while working is a problem, if he wouldn't do it openly in the office there is a reason for that.
It's different in offices where the manager suggests it, no manager will want their staff always topped up with alcohol.
I'd bet a lot of money that he wouldn't admit to a health professional how much he actually drinks.
He's deflecting a lot, if you're acting like his mother maybe it's because he's not behaving like an adult.
Your role is wife, equal partner, you can support him but you cannot fix someone else's drinking if they don't want to, it destroys you. 💐

If you spoke to him like his mother, it's only because he's behaving immaturely and is in need of adult intervention, since he can't moderate his drinking for himself

Alcoholism isn’t immaturity, it’s a disease. This kind of censoriousness is one of the reasons alcoholics are reluctant to ask for help.

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@Tubs11

As a former pub manager I can tell you that there isnt a single non alcoholic lager that tastes anything like the alcoholic version. I have had to do tastings and the person leading it admitted that they are hollow imitations.

If you do like the taste (and I do, which is why I dont drink it) then the non Alc version will be like giving someone who likes fresh squeezed OJ a pint of Tesco Value squash.[/quote]
I drink non alcoholic beer when I’m driving, which I usually do as I don't like taking taxis. Although there’s a difference in taste, its not enough to put me off drinking it - its a reasonable substitute.

@AlmostSummer21
He gets a taxi. Like any single parent or parent home alone. In the HIGHLY unlikely situation he'd need to take the child somewhere

So its ok for a parent in sole charge of a child to be under the influence of alcohol so much that they wouldn’t be legally able to drive?

Not the point of the thread, but Nanny State by Brewdog is a gorgeous non-alocolic beer. The best one I have ever tasted. And I've tasted a lot.

[quote Soontobe60]@AlmostSummer21
He gets a taxi. Like any single parent or parent home alone. In the HIGHLY unlikely situation he'd need to take the child somewhere

So its ok for a parent in sole charge of a child to be under the influence of alcohol so much that they wouldn’t be legally able to drive?[/quote]
Yes of course it is!!

Have you never had friends round for dinner and a few drinks when the kids are in bed? Have you never gone to a friends bbq and got a taxi home as you fancied a few drinks??

Living in constant fear that your child may need to be driven to hospital at 2am every night, must be awfully tiring.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. Drink enough of it and you will become addicted.

IMO once you cross the line into daily drinking during working hours you can never be that person that only has a couple of glasses of wine on the weekend. He needs to stop completely, become a non drinker.

A good book to deglamourise drinking is alcohol explained by William Porter, he has a fb page to but the book is where to start.

I agree he has a problem with alcohol.

He sounds unhappy with something and needs some professional help to work out what and make a plan to address this. He is drinking as a coping strategy and doesn't want to face up to his problems.

wtf? OP it's none of your business.

Just to add, you’re not being unreasonable about him drinking while looking after your 5 year old. We have two DCs, one that age, one a toddler. I would be shocked to find DH was necking back beers if I left him in charge on a weekday or a weekend. I’m not averse to drinking in the presence of small children but by that I mean maybe a beer or a glass of wine as part of a family lunch out. Drinking at home just adds to the impression he has a real problem.

I have a similar problem with my DH. We were both heavy drinkers until I was diagnosed with diabetes when I cut right back. He's carried on and is gradually drinking more. It used to be weekends only but he'll have a drink some evenings. I have asked him to cut back but he says he has. Once again we have the liking the taste of beer, he won't try alcohol free. He never gets drunk though and it doesn't seem to affect his life, retiree so doesn't have a job, doesn't drive.

I know a lot of people here are saying he's an alcoholic but I think there's a middle state problem friends who want to drink not have to drink I wish there was an easy answer as I'm having to mentally prepare myself for widowhood . I hope your DH realises he has a problem before serious damage has been done.

what is good for the goose is good for the gander - if your both on 6beers/wine a day who would look after things? think of this in terms of equity

@Bottlingitup with regard to the mother comment, my ex, when we split up, went for counselling (not drink related, adultery), and commented afterwards (when we were in the phase of disentangling) that his bad behaviour left him wondering what ‘mum’ would think of him and how disappointed she would be. On delving into this, he felt that ‘mum’ was me, but really what I took from that was ‘any rational adult in your life’ who calls you out on shit’ was ‘mum.’ He’s deflecting onto you. He may loathe his behaviour but is defensive and feels critiqued. Don’t let him put you in the role of mother.