Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it weird that DD won't tell me anything about her dad

81 replies

gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 19:23

She is almost 5.

When she goes to her father's house for a night or weekend, she refuses to tell me anything at all about her visit. Examples of questions she won't answer:

Daddy said you had a playdate. Who did you see?

What did you do at Daddy's?

Did you have fun?

AIBU to find this odd and concerning?

She usually strongly objects to seeing him, if this makes a difference.

OP posts:
Daisychainsandglitter · 17/05/2021 21:26

Endless!

Waterlemon · 17/05/2021 21:30

Children like to compartmentalise their lives.

If you ask a child what they did at school today, nearly all will say “nothing”
It’s not because they have forgotten, it’s because they do not like to mix their worlds.
School is school, Mums is Mums, Dads is Dads

FictionalCharacter · 17/05/2021 21:32

I think the saddest thing here is that she has to see him even though he objects.

FictionalCharacter · 17/05/2021 21:33

*she objects I meant!

OwlTwitterings · 17/05/2021 21:34

My similar aged DD refuses to tell me what she has done at school as well. She loves school.

Confusedandshaken · 17/05/2021 21:36

@FictionalCharacter

I think the saddest thing here is that she has to see him even though he objects.
For all we know she might also be objecting when it’s time to go back to her mum? Children with parents who don’t get on can really tie themselves into knots trying to keep each parent happy.
BigBirdsbird · 17/05/2021 21:36

@jobsagudden

My dd is 4 and we can never get a word out of her when she's been at nursery although she loves it. I think it's just kids.
This is what I came to say.

I'm not sure if my child goes to nursery or works for a secret government agency but he's loathe to discuss it when he gets home

LizzieW1969 · 17/05/2021 21:37

I would worry about it on the basis that she doesn’t want to go to stay with him.

Although, as others have said, it can be very difficult to get kids to answer questions about other parts of their lives. My DD1 (now 12) used to tell us very little about school whereas DD2 (9) will chat away about it. Neither respond well to endless questions, though.

Theunamedcat · 17/05/2021 21:38

My ex tells our son he cant tell me anything but expects to be told everything about my life I spoke to ds Sunday after he saw him he said they went to a gym (pokemon) I said which one was it local (I take him pokemon hunting) suddenly he didn't remember did you battle anything? I've forgot did you catch anything? Umm not really wow son that sounds sooooo exciting im surprised your home so early 🙄 he looked at me and realised what he was doing and told me all about the pokemon he caught he is 12 so its a bad habit for him now he literally tells me everything about his day his pokemon eggs everything I took his phone out on my walk the one day to hatch an egg as he forgot it at home im not interested in his dad I was trying to talk about his game

It irritates me that his dad expects him to tell him everything about my life my home my car my job but tells ds he cant speak to me about which pokemon he caught it drives a wedge between us and is seriously unnecessary

Its a conversation ffs

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 17/05/2021 21:41

I imagine it's because she's well aware you don't like him. Dss wouldn't tell his mum anything about his time with us because his mum would question him and make snidey comments about us and he didn't like it. Whereas he would talk to us about her because we remained neutral (even though we dislike his mother because that's what you should do)

thisplaceisweird · 17/05/2021 21:48

I think it's awful she knows clearly that you don't like him. Poor girl is already trying to manage your emotions at 5 years old

Accidentallydeletedoopsss · 17/05/2021 21:52

I think that’s very sad OP. She’s 5. She shouldn’t be tiptoeing around you like that Sad poor girl

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 21:55

FFS I have already explained that she's aware I don't like him because he actively starts fights in front of him

She literally has never objected to leaving his house. He often has me pick her up early because she cries for me.

One thing she has told me is that he shouts at her a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 21:55

*in front of her

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 17/05/2021 21:58

So, she does tell you some things. Drip feed.

Isitsixoclockalready · 17/05/2021 22:01

@gelatodipistacchio

The reason she knows I don't like him is because he frequently starts scenes with me. He's a nasty piece of work.

Of course I didn't sound nasty when I said I was glad she had fun with daddy Hmm.

She doesn't usually like to tell me much about her day etc, so I suppose maybe I should view this as standard behaviour.

This is quite possible. I always find it hard to get much out of my children regarding their day at school, whereas I'll occasionally get random information that they volunteer. I'm sure that's a pretty common experience for a lot of parents.
SkodaKodiaq · 17/05/2021 22:05

@MonsterMash2210

My answer to this would depend entirely on how forthcoming she is about other areas of her life.

My son has never answered questions like that about anything. He just doesn’t (for some reason) like telling me about his day, what he did, who he played with, what he ate?

Occasionally he will volunteer information himself, but he rarely answers questions.

So, this wouldn’t be unusual for me.

However, if your daughter will usually answer questions like this, then yes there may be cause for concern.

Have you had your son assessed for Autism? Some of what you mentioned can be traits of Autism
SnackSizeRaisin · 17/05/2021 22:11

She's probably trying not to think about it because she doesn't like going there. Why make her go if she doesn't want to?
I suggest stop asking anything at all, just give her a big hug and say you are happy to see her. Then spend time playing with toys or go for a walk or something and see if she volunteers anything.

Happycat1212 · 17/05/2021 22:13

Courts don’t take 5 year olds opinions into things whether they want to go to their dads or not, my son doesn’t want to go to school, he still has to.

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 22:48

I'm not drip feeding. I didn't say that she literally never says anything at all about seeing her father.

Vipers on the attack tonight

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 17/05/2021 22:49

My daughter won't tell me anything about her day at school - ever!

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 22:50

@SnackSizeRaisin I don't think I can withhold her from her father for various reasons

OP posts:
user11838686969686 · 17/05/2021 23:05

It's sad that she has no choice about going to stay with someone who shouts at her, shouts at her mum, and whom she doesn't want to see. Is she scared of him?

Being 5 years old alone with a much larger adult who could squish you like a bug if they wanted and who kicks off all the time is very scary. Quite what beneficial relationship our court system thinks that gives a young child escapes me.

spottedbadger · 17/05/2021 23:27

The child not wanting to go to her father’s may have more to do with the mother than the father. It’s not as black and white as father = bad. She may be worried about leaving the mother and if she is aware of the hostility, she may be anxious about the mother’s disapproval and dreading the ‘post visitation shake-down’. Posters saying that she should not go to her dad’s if she doesn’t want to should really educate themselves about parental alienation and the pretty catastrophic impact it has on children.

lanthanum · 17/05/2021 23:34

She might just be compartmentalising to cope with only seeing one of you at a time. I went away for a week when my daughter was a bit younger - she didn't want to speak to me on the phone and changed the subject every time my name was mentioned. She obviously found it easier to cope with me not being there if she didn't think about me.