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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it weird that DD won't tell me anything about her dad

81 replies

gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 19:23

She is almost 5.

When she goes to her father's house for a night or weekend, she refuses to tell me anything at all about her visit. Examples of questions she won't answer:

Daddy said you had a playdate. Who did you see?

What did you do at Daddy's?

Did you have fun?

AIBU to find this odd and concerning?

She usually strongly objects to seeing him, if this makes a difference.

OP posts:
Dogsandbabies · 17/05/2021 20:02

My DD was the same. I kept asking and she would say nothing.

I changed tactics and made a point of not asking and focusing on telling her what I got up to. Eventually she started telling me by herself.

NewMatress · 17/05/2021 20:05

Isn't this just the same as when children of that age come out of school and tell you they've done "nothing" when interrogated.

I think it's very sad indeed if your 5yo knows you don't like her father. We get a lot of our self esteem from who our parents are, we need to know they are good people. Your basically telling her that one half of her is unlikable.

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 17/05/2021 20:05

@gelatodipistacchio

I don't say anything bad about him but she's well aware that I don't like him. Today she actually said she had fun (when asked - she just said yes), and I said, "oh, I'm glad to hear that."
So what are you doing that shows your daughter that you don’t like her dad. She should have no clue that you don’t like him.
Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 20:07

The reason she knows I don't like him is because he frequently starts scenes with me. He's a nasty piece of work.

Of course I didn't sound nasty when I said I was glad she had fun with daddy Hmm.

She doesn't usually like to tell me much about her day etc, so I suppose maybe I should view this as standard behaviour.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 17/05/2021 20:10

He may be telling her not to tell you anything.

Nancylovesthecock · 17/05/2021 20:12

@Happycat1212

I tell my kids not to tell my ex anything about me Or my life 🤷‍♀️
Way to make things awkward and emotionally damaging for your kids 🙄

Why shouldn't they talk about you and their life with you when they are with their father?

sunshinesontv · 17/05/2021 20:16

Anyone with little kids knows it's like pulling teeth trying to get any info out of them.

What does she say about you to him?

What does she tell you about her day at school?

Happycat1212 · 17/05/2021 20:18
  • Way to make things awkward and emotionally damaging for your kids 🙄

Why shouldn't they talk about you and their life with you when they are with their father?*

Hmm yeh you don’t know my ex, he was abusive and controlling and still tries to control me through them, the less he knows about me the better!

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 17/05/2021 20:22

It could be concerning, but honestly my youngest one is in nursery and he loves it, but refuses to answer any questions about what he does (literally nearly every day of the week). It could just be one of those weird things.

Same. If I ask who she played with, what she’s been doing, who she sat next to at lunchtime, or what she had for lunch, she will always say “I can’t remember”. And then about 4 days later apropos of nothing I’ll get chapter and verse about who pushed who and who had an accident on the floor.

MorningNinja · 17/05/2021 20:25

She doesn't want to tell you and I'd imagine you're asking too many questions.

"You had fun?" should suffice.

hartwood · 17/05/2021 20:30

Slightly different but my DS told me NOTHING about his days in reception for pretty much the whole year. He's in year 1 now and slightly better but I still don't get much. I thought he must hate school until the second lockdown when he asked when he could go back!

TheGumption · 17/05/2021 20:34

She's little! I can barely get any sense out if my five year old when I ask about her day. A lot of kids hate being questioned and will clam up.
Just say "I hope you had a lovely time. I'm so glad you're back!" and then see what she says. Sometimes taking the pressure off encourages them to chat.

VodkaSlimline · 17/05/2021 20:35

Why are you asking her when it clearly makes her uncomfortable?

This is normal for a child her age. They can't cope emotionally with the situation of their parents being separated/on bad terms and they cope by compartmentalising. Put her feelings first and stop asking her anything when she comes back from her dad's place. She will talk about it if she wants to.

3AndStopping · 17/05/2021 20:45

I don't say anything bad about him but she's well aware that I don't like him.

There you go then... your 5 year old really shouldn’t know that. You picked him, so you carry that burden - not her.

Coyoacan · 17/05/2021 20:46

Children are like that. My dd was like that about her dad and school, but she would eventually tell me without prompting, maybe before going to bed or even a month later

Original poster
gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 20:46

@3AndStopping perhaps rtft?

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 17/05/2021 20:57

@gelatodipistacchio

I don't say anything bad about him but she's well aware that I don't like him. Today she actually said she had fun (when asked - she just said yes), and I said, "oh, I'm glad to hear that."
If that true it's very sad. If she really is aware that you don't like him it's not surprising she is reluctant to talk to you about him.
crimsonlake · 17/05/2021 21:04

Concerning that she is well aware that you do not like him and she is only 5, there must be a reason....
I have never questioned my children when they returned from my ex's, admittedly they were older...I know from experience as my parent's divorced and I hated my dm asking me questions upon my return.

whiteroseredrose · 17/05/2021 21:05

She's just keeping her life compartmentalised.

I used to go to my dad's regularly when I was that age but never discussed my mum with my dad and vice versa. It didn't mean anything was wrong, I just wanted to keep things separate.

Shmithecat2 · 17/05/2021 21:06

My ds is nearly 6 and won't answer what he's done at school in the day Hmm.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 17/05/2021 21:11

I had the same. Asking kids questions like 'what did you do today' is pointless. I had a lot more success asking different questions like 'what made you smile today' or 'who did something good today'. Just random questions that aren't too general. On the whole though, as others have said, general chatting helps get different answers and feels less like an inquisition

Mumkins42 · 17/05/2021 21:14

I wouldn't ask her anything about it. I feel most kids do not want to be asked like this or interrogated. The minute you back off and just say hey how are you, talk about your own day or things you plan to do in the next week, the more likely she will randomly start telling you things

OodieWoodie · 17/05/2021 21:16

@Shmithecat2

My ds is nearly 6 and won't answer what he's done at school in the day Hmm.
Yup, mine are 8 and 6 and exactly the same. They have their tea with the CM literally five minutes before I pick them up. Yet when I ask them in the car on the way home what they've had for tea, neither of them can remember because it was sooooo looooong ago. Confused
GreyhoundG1rl · 17/05/2021 21:21

She knows you don't like him (poor kid).
There must be a huge amount of tension involved in being cross examined when she returns. She's probably very sensibly decided to opt out of it.

Daisychainsandglitter · 17/05/2021 21:25

Second PPs. I used to be cross examined by my mum at that age when coming back from my dads. I very quickly learnt to be as emotionless as possible and to say as little as possible as whatever I'd say would just cause ended grief.