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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to talk to my 10 year old daughter about hair removal?

79 replies

MaryST7 · 16/05/2021 17:27

I only noticed yesterday that my 10 year old has now got underarm hair - it's darkish, so quite noticeable. I am planning to chat to her and ask what she thinks. If she isn't bothered by it I will happily leave it at that for now, fingers crossed. But if she's not, then I don't want to get this wrong....so would really like to hear from anyone who has gone through this stage recently. If she's unsure, I should probably try and persuade her it's best to leave it be, at least for now. But if she does want to get rid, what do people recommend based on experience? TIA.

OP posts:

Flowersandjellybeans · 16/05/2021 17:58

I remember getting dark underarm hair towards the end of primary school... I was desperately embarrassed about it, I think another girl at school pointed it out and I eventually raised with my mother - who clearly felt that I was too young to do something about it - basically the worst possible outcome.

I ended up just stealing my dad’s razor and probably not making the best job of it. I think definitely ask her and just make it clear that she doesn’t have to do anything but if she decides she does you are on hand to help.

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 16/05/2021 18:00

I would bring it up. But in a 'wow, you have under arm hair now like me, I shave/wax mine sometimes, let me know if it bothers you and we can work out what's best for you'. But I don't have girls so no idea if that's good advice... I don't remember my mum mentioning it but do remember being embarrassed about mine

MrsTophamHat · 16/05/2021 18:02

I agree to start the conversation. "I remember when I was around your age..." might be an opener as it makes it normal.

MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 18:05

I would bring it up with her. I would never have broached the subject with my parents. I remember steeling my mum's razor at around 10 or 11. She noticed that I no longer had the leg hair and her razor was a state haha.

Sally872 · 16/05/2021 18:05

My dd has always had hairy legs (fine blonde hair) I thought she wasn't bothered and never mentioned it. Then we were reading a book about puberty together and it mentioned some people remove hair on legs and arm pits and straight away she said "can I do that? I don't like the hair on my legs" So I would definitely let dd know the options in case she doesn't know.

Zealois · 16/05/2021 18:06

I wish my mother had brought up the topic with me. I wanted to remove my hair for ages but was way too embarrassed to bring it up. Ended up stealing razors from my father (and cutting myself).

idril · 16/05/2021 18:07

Definitely bring it up in a matter of fact way - e.g "Oh, you've got some underarm hair".

I developed underarm hair quite early and I was a swimmer. I spend years feeling so self-conscious because I was too embarrassed to talk to my mum about it. I don't even know why as she was very open-minded and I had an older sister who had no qualms about speaking to her about everything. Just different personalities I guess.

StarlightLady · 16/05/2021 18:07

I wish my mum had spoken to me. I waited until others laughed at me at school for having pubes sticking out my swimming cossie.

I’m in my 40s now and obviously survived, but l could have done without it.

DissociativeBitch · 16/05/2021 18:07

Please don't wait for her to come to you, I did that, my mum never did and I was horribly embarrassed to go to her.
The one time I did mention it, she laughed it off as me being too young. I wasn't.

Also hair removal cream like nair is probably the easiest method for a child to use, I'd be uncomfortable letting her loose with a razor!

wearetheweirdosmr · 16/05/2021 18:11

@HeckyPeck

It was a long time ago now so I don't remember verbatim, but my Mum said something along the lines of:

"You're getting to an age when you'll start to get undearm hair: some women shave and some don't and it's completely fine either way."

I already had hair and thought she hadn't noticed, but looking back I think that was her way of bringing it up without making me feel subconscious.

The some women shave some don't is what I said to my dd's.

I said that whatever they wanted to do was fine but that I did't want them trying to shave for the first time alone.

Spanglebangle · 16/05/2021 18:15

DD dances and asked about getting rid of the hair on her legs before a big show. She was 8 we discussed options and we went and bought razors and shaving foam.

She rarely bothers to shave them now but still has the stuff and knows the option is there so doesn't have to ask me for it.

I would let her know it is an option,some people choose to remove hair others don't. It's up to her whether she wants to but you are happy to buy her the stuff if she wants it.

Y0YO · 16/05/2021 18:16

The other kids may talk about it too.
I remember two girls in primary school peering over the toilet cubicle I was in to see if they could spot pubic hair!!!

And on a residential trip away a few of the girls in my dorm room were comparing pubic hair growth...! I declined to join in but it was an education to say the least.

Y0YO · 16/05/2021 18:19

@Spanglebangle

DD dances and asked about getting rid of the hair on her legs before a big show. She was 8 we discussed options and we went and bought razors and shaving foam.

She rarely bothers to shave them now but still has the stuff and knows the option is there so doesn't have to ask me for it.

I would let her know it is an option,some people choose to remove hair others don't. It's up to her whether she wants to but you are happy to buy her the stuff if she wants it.

That's great. I gave up ballet at 11/12 because I was embarrassed about body hair. We had to get changed in a communal room which made it worse.

Moondust001 · 16/05/2021 18:29

It’s absolutely fine to want to keep armpit hair, but the majority of girls/women in the western world don’t and you should definitely open up the conversation with her, even to let her know it’s completely normal

If that is true, and I'm not sure there is objective evidence one way or the other, it is because of very disturbing body images that are much more about what is perceived (by men) to be beauty. If we perpetuate those body images then we are complicit in objectifying what beauty is. I totally agree that it must be a girls choice, but I think mothers and other adult women owe it to girls to be more than just neutral on the matter. And we should be setting examples.

sausageisassausagedoes · 16/05/2021 18:35

Definitely bring it up in a non big deal kind of way. The fact that you want to help and do what's best for her is so good, I'm sure whatever you end up doing will be great.

What not to do:
I was getting bullied at school (12 or so) because I was so hairy, and my mother refused to help me remove it because I was "too young". Years of shaving in shame and a lot of cut legs, and I'm still pretty annoyed about it.

reluctantbrit · 16/05/2021 18:38

I said something when I realised that DD used my razor. I also found that she was a bit more smelly when she didn’t shave, the joys of polycotton school tops and hot classroom.

We also had given her a book about puberty and body changes and it covered the choice of hair removal so she knew about it and also knew I shave and we talked about it beforehand just as a side topic.

Redwinestillfine · 16/05/2021 18:40

I bought my DD (9) an electric shaver and showed her how to use it as part of a discussion about body changes. She doesn't need it yet but know where it is for when she does.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 16/05/2021 18:40

I stopped removing my body hair when dd was about 3 as I wanted to normalise it for her and show her she doesn't have to remove it when she's older if she doesn't want to. When she starts getting hair I'd probably talk to her about it and what her options are and why some women remove hair and some don't, and just let her make her own choices. I realise she may end up removing it because it can be something to be picked on about at school, but at least if I'm comfortable with my own body hair then that's something positive for her to see growing up.

DeathMetalMum · 16/05/2021 18:43

I couldn't talk to my mum about it, she didn't do any type of hair removal either. Completely taboo subject.

I have never hidden the fact I shave or remove hair from dd's. I epilate so dd's will often see me doing it after a shower, and they have seen razors around. I always say I don't want to have hair there so I remove it, simple as that. Dd2 (8) said to me the other day when she saw me epilating my leg did she have to do it, I said not if she doesn't want to.

We have talked many times about hair and removing it if I don't want it there just as normal conversation. I suppose if you have never talked about hair removal before then I'd probably mention it, in a 'you can get ride of it if you want' sort of way.

Ninibest · 16/05/2021 18:48

I think you should talk to her and teach her how to do it, for me this topic is part of higiene, in the future she will be happy that you to teached her this

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2021 19:01

I got laughed at at school and called chicken legs when I was maybe 14. My mother didn’t teach me as she didn’t need to shave her legs so it wouldn’t occur to her to tell me I needed to shave mine. Everything being about her. When I asked her for something to shave my legs, she scoffed as she didn’t need to shave her legs and dug out my dad’s old very unsafe butterfly razor from the 1960’s. No shaving foam. Zero instructions and I took great chunks of flesh off.

As for my dd, I did talk to her about her hairs when she was about 11. She’s relatively fair. I asked her if she wanted to remove her hair. She did. I subsequently bought her a razor and was going to show her how to use it but never have as i asked her two or three time since if she’d like me to do it again... or rather teach her. She doesn’t. She’s almost 13. Some children care. Some don’t.

If your dd is fair, you might want to leave it a little longer. If she has dark hair or is particularly hairy, then perhaps you could brooch the subject gently. Kind of “some ladies shave their legs and under their arm pits. Maybe you want to do that sometime or when you get older. Just let me know if you do.” And if she has darker hair, I would definitely give her the option before going to secondary. Bit of a jungle out there.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 16/05/2021 19:08

I've got an 11yr old DD and she's very hairy with dark hair, despite being very fair skinned.

I've been talking to her for a couple of years about the subject in general and been positive about the fact that some women are very happy with their body hair, but some prefer to remove it. I've emphasised both are absolutely acceptable.

Luckily for her, there's nothing on her upper lip - which I know can be an issue for some with dark hair - but she's absolutely unbothered about the rest of her body hair so far. Very definite that she doesn't want to remove it.

My DD is autistic and very sensitive so if I had to phrase things quite carefully to make sure it didn't seem like an issue - it helps that she's now home educated so she doesn't have to worry so much about peers at school. She's very comfortable in herself and prefers comfort over aesthetics, long may that continue! To be honest, I wish I had half her body confidence, she gives zero shits what strangers think!

MrsGRamsay · 16/05/2021 19:08

My mother approached me with a disposable razor for my armpits muttering something about hygiene when I was circa 11 years old - it’s probably the same one rusting in the bathroom cabinet given how few times I’ve used it - but I’m remarkably fuzz free (eyebrows are crap too) everywhere apart from head.

However, I’ve judged (relatively well to do) mums with very hairy prepubescent girls - for f sake, pay for waxing now and they won’t have an issue by 18!

ChloeCrocodile · 16/05/2021 19:08

Is shaving / waxing a normal conversation in your house OP? Like the “grr I need to shave cos I want to wear shorts” and “DH, don’t forget to get me some veet” type things? If so, your DD must be aware that you remove body hair and that it isn’t a big deal. She will likely come to you or use whatever hair removal stuff you have in the bathroom when she feels ready.

However, if it isn’t something you’d naturally discuss as part of day to day conversation you probably need to speak to her. Let her know that growing hair is normal and natural and that she should let you know if she wants to you buy any specific products for her to remove it.

Peace43 · 16/05/2021 19:12

Thanks ladies, I just took the advice on here and told my 10 year old that she would likely eventually get hair on her legs and arms and that if she wanted to remove it is show her how.. either with a razor or cream. She shrugged and said “ok”.

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