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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shared accommodation / drama

74 replies

Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 12:19

Would appreciate the MN kangaroo court view on this! Should clarify at the outset that we are not in the UK, and are lucky enough to have low/zero Covid and can therefore book holidays with confidence.

My husband and I have a group of friends that we have been on several weekends away with, always staying together in an Air B n B.

Some of the group are couples, and the rest are single women. The accommodation price has always been split per person, and not per room, so for example a couple sharing a room pay double what one of the single women pays even if the room configurations mean that she gets a room to herself. Sometimes the women have shared a room / bed, and then they pay the same as a couple. To be clear I think that's absolutely fair, and I have no gripes with that.

It's not always easy to find a house big enough for all of us so the last time we went away my husband and I volunteered to go on the sofa bed. It wasn't 'private' but we are all friends and we are all pretty easygoing (although I'm starting to think I am not so easy-going!) The organiser of that trip offered to give us a bit of a discount but we said it was fine.

I suggested a beach trip in July and as usual invited the whole group on what's app. Three couples said yes, and two of the single women said yes, and asked if they could bring a third (female, single) friend. Sure. The more the merrier. I couldn't find a house big enough on the weekend in question, but I did find four houses that each had four bedrooms, and all had a sofa bed. Range of prices, asked the group what they thought. We decided on a house. Then one of the three couples said "actually, no drama, we might only stay one night and will book our own accommodation nearby". The other couple (who is still staying in the house) then asked if they could bring a friend, he would take the sofa bed if that was alright with everyone.

So now we are two couples in two of the bedrooms, two of the girls sharing one room, the other girl in a room on her own, and male friend tag-along on the airbed. Or so I thought.

The three single women have messaged me privately saying that now that one couple is staying elsewhere, they had been hoping they could still have the sofa bed, so none of them has to share a bed.

I asked were they still willing to share and they've said they'd rather not, sleep better in own bed etc. Which I get, but two of them were presumably willing to share when we all agreed to the first house!

If you are still with me (sorry), the AIBU is this: is it fair to pay per person and not per room if you are not even willing to share a room in the first place? How do you normally divide up expenses in these situations? I don't want to cause any upset so thought I would solicit views, including if the view is 'let them sort it out amongst themselves and do not engage!'

OP posts:
Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 12:26

Sorry when i say "The three single women have messaged me privately saying that now that one couple is staying elsewhere, they had been hoping they could still have the sofa bed, so none of them has to share a bed."

There was no assumption or expectation on my part (personally at least!) that one of the single women would go on the sofa bed in the first place. I was hoping it wouldn't be us again, as we've taken one for the team on that front. Admittedly I do think it's probably easier and fairer for a single person to take the sofa bed than try and squeeze two people on it. However as I said my husband and I were happy to take one for the team last time, so I don't assume couples automatically get priority or anything!

Oh god i sense the pile on already...

OP posts:
Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 13:09

someone please...I have read the message and need to reply :D

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 16/05/2021 13:12

I think it’s really nice of you to split the cost per person. Being a single person in those situations and having to pay double to get your own room seems a bit tough.

I’d just put it back out to the group and see how they want to go forward. While you’re organising it, it’s not really fair to expect you to deal with how to split all the single people back in to the rooms etc. So I’d just ask them how they want to take it forward.

Would just point out that with three single women and one single man, perhaps this situation will deal with itself if two of them get lucky!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/05/2021 13:15

Share a room or a bed? If I was going a

thisplaceisweird · 16/05/2021 13:16

Agree what pp said. Just lay it all out in the group, make a suggestion and ask for honest opinions, then go from there. Your approach sounds completely fair to me

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/05/2021 13:17

Sorry posted too soon. If I was going away with a group of friends yes I would totally pay the same per person sharing a

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/05/2021 13:18

Omg this bloody phone 😡
Same per person sharing a room. But not a bed. I would expect to be paying less if I didn't have my own bed.

Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 13:22

haha Shirley! True!

I do like this group of friends because we all seem to be on the same wavelength about stuff like that.

Sweeneytodd you keep getting cut off but on this occasion it would be bed sharing, yes. Not always (at least once there's been a twin room and two of the women volunteered for that - can't remember about the other times.

I do sympathise with preferring not to share a bed, i was on a hen weekend recently and i have to admit I don't sleep so well in those circumstances, but equally that's what group holidays are about.

OP posts:
Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 13:24

Sweeney sorry now i cut across you.

That is interesting. So you would expect to pay less if you were sharing with one of your girlfriends? I.e. a couple pays 200 and the two girlfriends sharing pay 150 / 180 or something?

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chillied · 16/05/2021 13:28

You've always done pay per person, so no reason to stop.

Sounds like you need to tell the single bloke there isn't space for him.

thevassal · 16/05/2021 13:29

right I'm slightly confused because first you say the newest add on (male friend of the other couple) would be on an airbed, but then you say he will be taking the sofa bed?

If sofa bed is correct, it depends what the 3 single women said when the couple asked if their male friend could tag along and have the sofa bed. If they all said yeah that's fine at the time, then you can message back and say 'but you said it was fine for bob to have the sofa bed, it's not fair to change your mind now, where will bob sleep?' Then it's up to them to sort out between them. If they wanted to alter sleeping arrangements once 3rd couple had dropped out that was the time to say so.

I also think it matters when thinking about pricing how the rooms are set up. I would have no issue sharing a twin bed room with a friend/sister/mum etc, but sharing a bed with someone you're not in a relationship is not ideal for a lot of people. Personally I agree per person is the fairest way - just because you're in a couple doesn't mean you use less water/electricity/spend less time in the bathroom etc!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/05/2021 13:30

Yes something along those lines @Iamnotatravelagent. As long as I had my own bed I would happily pay the same as everyone. If I had to share the bed would pay less, although that would mean the couple and the other single would then have to agree to pay more.

Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 13:45

Gosh that would never occur to me! So as long as you got your own room (not bed, room) would you be happy to split the cost per room?

Vassal I think you might be right it should be last in first out, but the three women were prepared to share originally so it seems mean someone can't come at all.

OP posts:
Minezatea · 16/05/2021 13:47

Could the bloke bring his own mattress for the floor somewhere and then he can still come with no bed-sharing necessary?

Iamnotatravelagent · 16/05/2021 13:53

Not really... There is one huge living / dining / kitchen and one small living area with own door and sofa bed. I mean yes, and I wouldn't stop him, but not a nice place to sleep with comings/goings. It is an idea though!

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/05/2021 14:07

@Iamnotatravelagent as long as I had my own bed I would pay exactly the same as everyone else, whether I was sharing a room or a single room. If I was in my own bed and a non couple were sharing a bed I would expect to pay more than them.

Iamnotatravelagent · 20/05/2021 12:36

Sorry I am bumping my own thread but I have an update.

Bloke said don't worry about it, all good I will join you guys next time, have been invited to rugby now anyway etc.

The three single women didn't want to share beds. So with that knowledge I found a smaller, cheaper (but imo) nicer three bed house:

2 small bedrooms each with a double bed; and

one huge bedroom with en-suite that has one double bed and two single beds.

(All rooms are equally nice in terms of furnishing / decor etc).

So I said, ok now X&Y aren't joining us (the couple who decided to fly solo) this house is cheaper and no one has to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. What do you guys think?

And the three women said they'd rather stay in the original house as they can each have a room... The woman who is bringing her random friend we haven't met messaged me privately and said "is it ok if we stick with the first house, Z has not met any of you before and just thought it would be nice for her to have her own space".

I despair. If you aren't willing to share a bed / room with your friend none of us have met DO NOT INVITE HER ALONG! And why oh why should the rest of us be subsidising your desire for space?

The new house is about 150 quid extra per couple, or about 75 extra per woman. I get why they might feel 75 extra was worth it for their own room (albeit one of them is sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room) but AIBU in saying that i don't get anything out of that arrangement and piss off the lot of you I am done organising this?!

OP posts:
LuvMyBubbles · 20/05/2021 13:03

Oh my! Headache
As the organiser you do what you think and next holiday let down someone else have that load!

user1471457751 · 20/05/2021 13:08

To be honest, I would be a bit pissed off if I was expected to share a bed with someone else if I wasn't in a couple.

sunnytimes83 · 20/05/2021 13:30

OMG why did you look for a different house just as everyone was (supposedly) happy..! Just set some ground rules for the future and don’t faff about so much (unless you are getting a discount for being the organiser..!)

Iamnotatravelagent · 20/05/2021 13:35

It would honestly never occur to me to go on a group trip and expect to get a bed to myself, it's just not the way most air b n b houses are set up. People have to share. I went on a hens weekend recently and shared a bed. Not the best nights sleep i've ever had, but all good. Went on a huge christmas trip last year and my husband and I stayed in a bunk room with two girls - we had the trundle bed and they went in the bunk beds :D I am not expecting anyone to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

But in any event, even when presented with an option that didn't require sharing of beds (sharing of ROOM yes, but not bed) that still wasn't good enough.

I'm so over it - would i be a massive cow to just say we've checked into the hotel in the town and will transfer the house booking to anyone who wants it or cancel if it they prefer?

OP posts:
Iamnotatravelagent · 20/05/2021 22:09

Sunny I thought I was being helpful as a) we had a house that was now too big and we were all paying more than we needed to and b) the new option meant no one was sleeping on a sofa bed.

I didn’t know that ‘I’d like to come on the trip’ meant ‘but I need my own room and don’t expect to pay extra for the privilege’.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 20/05/2021 22:34

Tbh it sounds like you to move on from this and have your own holidays.

Returnoftheowl · 20/05/2021 22:34

I'm so over it - would i be a massive cow to just say we've checked into the hotel in the town and will transfer the house booking to anyone who wants it or cancel if it they prefer

I don't think that would be unreasonable. Everyone seems to want different things from room/sleeping configurations and I don't think you'll find a way to make everyone happy here.

MadMadMadamMim · 20/05/2021 22:42

Each to their own, I think, but there's no way I'd go away for the weekend and be expected to share a room with someone I wasn't in a relationship with. It's my idea of hell.

Other people snore. Or talk in their sleep. I'm an insomniac and probably want to read from 3 - 5 am. I can't inflict that on a roommate. I don't want to lie there dry eyed and exhausted for hours in the dark, because I can't put the light on.

I think it's clear that different people have different expectations and it's probably easiest to just book your own room in a hotel. It would honestly never occur to me to go on a group trip and be expected to share a bed with someone.

Maybe it's generational? I'm almost 60 and want my privacy, even if away with friends.