Shared accommodation / drama

[Iamnotatravelagent]

Would appreciate the MN kangaroo court view on this! Should clarify at the outset that we are not in the UK, and are lucky enough to have low/zero Covid and can therefore book holidays with confidence.

My husband and I have a group of friends that we have been on several weekends away with, always staying together in an Air B n B.

Some of the group are couples, and the rest are single women. The accommodation price has always been split per person, and not per room, so for example a couple sharing a room pay double what one of the single women pays even if the room configurations mean that she gets a room to herself. Sometimes the women have shared a room / bed, and then they pay the same as a couple. To be clear I think that's absolutely fair, and I have no gripes with that.

It's not always easy to find a house big enough for all of us so the last time we went away my husband and I volunteered to go on the sofa bed. It wasn't 'private' but we are all friends and we are all pretty easygoing (although I'm starting to think I am not so easy-going!) The organiser of that trip offered to give us a bit of a discount but we said it was fine.

I suggested a beach trip in July and as usual invited the whole group on what's app. Three couples said yes, and two of the single women said yes, and asked if they could bring a third (female, single) friend. Sure. The more the merrier. I couldn't find a house big enough on the weekend in question, but I did find four houses that each had four bedrooms, and all had a sofa bed. Range of prices, asked the group what they thought. We decided on a house. Then one of the three couples said "actually, no drama, we might only stay one night and will book our own accommodation nearby". The other couple (who is still staying in the house) then asked if they could bring a friend, he would take the sofa bed if that was alright with everyone.

So now we are two couples in two of the bedrooms, two of the girls sharing one room, the other girl in a room on her own, and male friend tag-along on the airbed. Or so I thought.

The three single women have messaged me privately saying that now that one couple is staying elsewhere, they had been hoping they could still have the sofa bed, so none of them has to share a bed.

I asked were they still willing to share and they've said they'd rather not, sleep better in own bed etc. Which I get, but two of them were presumably willing to share when we all agreed to the first house!

If you are still with me (sorry), the AIBU is this: is it fair to pay per person and not per room if you are not even willing to share a room in the first place? How do you normally divide up expenses in these situations? I don't want to cause any upset so thought I would solicit views, including if the view is 'let them sort it out amongst themselves and do not engage!'

Except on the four holidays you've been away with this group of friends, you've shared a bed with your husband.

And as you have since realised no one has actually shared a bed before.

I don't think it's usual to expect adults to share beds!

Just read through this thread....feeling stressed by it all and I think I’d just stay home. 🤣

Organising trips like this can be really thankless OP. It's entirely reasonable to say people's requirements now don't work for you and you're getting a hotel.

I've booked a few large trips away with friends, and like you always split the cost per person not per room. I wouldn't expect people who were not a couple to share a bed though, if I can't find a house with enough twin rooms.

Fortunately my big trips have been in the winter usually so finding the right accommodation is generally possible and quite cheap. I don't think you've done anything wrong, I think maybe the fussy people should be organising their own house.

I have indeed shared a bed with my husband when holidaying with this group of friends but only because holiday houses come grouped into rooms with beds and people need to share rooms and beds! Are we meant to insist on separate rooms? If we are two couples and three singles and (as per most recent arrangement) there are two double rooms, and one large room with a double bed and two twin beds, what do people want me to do?! Insist the two couples share the big room (one couple in a twin, and one couple in the double)? But that won't do, because that would leave two of the women sharing a bed, which they don't want to do! (The other woman would be fine, as she'd get a room all to herself :D)

@Losttheequipment i agree, and yes next time I think it would be much better to agree a location, and we can just approach the other couple(s) coming and ask if they want to share. That would never have sat right with me, i was single for many years and I can't tell you how upset i would have been if the 'group' had agreed on a trip to Brighton and I found out that the coupled up folk had swanned off and booked their own digs, leaving the singletons to sort themselves out, but this has been a really thankless task and unfortunately that's where I am at now.

Would just point out that with three single women and one single man, perhaps this situation will deal with itself if two of them get lucky!

We don't split the cost per person because it would seem rampantly unfair for a person having a double room to themselves paying the same as a person who is sharing. Single supplements are entirely normal. Our holidays are further complicated in prices by having kids as part of the mix too.

We calculate the split as follows:

Half the property rental price (nationally the rental price of the shared public areas, sitting room dining room kitchen etc) is split per head with kids counting as half a head.

The other half is split per-room (if a house has significantly different sizes of room some rooms that contain multiple beds might be considered 1.4 rooms, with a tiny box-room single counting as 0.8 rooms)

Food is split per head with kids who hardly eat anything being half a head, but older kids with an appetite more similar to adults being a full head.

Booze split per adult.

But our holiday friendship group contains several people with PhDs in maths and science subjects so working all this out doesn't feel particularly complicated to us compared to the maths problems we tackle just for fun anyway. I recognise that some groups might not like doing these calculations.

@Iamnotatravelagent

I have indeed shared a bed with my husband when holidaying with this group of friends but only because holiday houses come grouped into rooms with beds and people need to share rooms and beds! Are we meant to insist on separate rooms? If we are two couples and three singles and (as per most recent arrangement) there are two double rooms, and one large room with a double bed and two twin beds, what do people want me to do?! Insist the two couples share the big room (one couple in a twin, and one couple in the double)? But that won't do, because that would leave two of the women sharing a bed, which they don't want to do! (The other woman would be fine, as she'd get a room all to herself :D)

No of course not.

But as you've said, this is a thankless task so I agree you should find your own accommodation.

Oh OP, the mistake you have made is booking it. You get all the drama, all the blame and none of the thanks.

Personally I am of an age now where I would pay for myself in a hotel to have my own bed and room, I’m too old for sharing but I have done it loads of times and up to my late 30s for odd nights.

Step away and hand the organisation over.

[quote Iamnotatravelagent]@Losttheequipment i agree, and yes next time I think it would be much better to agree a location, and we can just approach the other couple(s) coming and ask if they want to share. That would never have sat right with me, i was single for many years and I can't tell you how upset i would have been if the 'group' had agreed on a trip to Brighton and I found out that the coupled up folk had swanned off and booked their own digs, leaving the singletons to sort themselves out, but this has been a really thankless task and unfortunately that's where I am at now.[/quote]
Tbh, this sounds like such a nightmare, that I think it would sour the entire trip now.
I don't see how the pricing is fair. And I fully get that rarely do the dividing of shared accommodation please everyone!
For the future I wouldn't be doing any of the organising!
Personally, and I say this as a single person before and post children, I've shared rooms, at 50% of the room rate. When I have shared a 2 bed place with another family, on a couple of occasions, who had double the number of children, but still all sleeping in one bedroom per family and they did have a "nicer" bedroom and we divided based on rooms. Likewise when we have shared caravans with other families.
I think that accommodation needs to be divided by the number of rooms, with reductions for single rooms and sofa beds. I think that dividing per head, but having a double room for a single person is taking the piss.

@KihoBebiluPute

We don't split the cost per person because it would seem rampantly unfair for a person having a double room to themselves paying the same as a person who is sharing. Single supplements are entirely normal. Our holidays are further complicated in prices by having kids as part of the mix too.

We calculate the split as follows:

Half the property rental price (nationally the rental price of the shared public areas, sitting room dining room kitchen etc) is split per head with kids counting as half a head.

The other half is split per-room (if a house has significantly different sizes of room some rooms that contain multiple beds might be considered 1.4 rooms, with a tiny box-room single counting as 0.8 rooms)

Food is split per head with kids who hardly eat anything being half a head, but older kids with an appetite more similar to adults being a full head.

Booze split per adult.

But our holiday friendship group contains several people with PhDs in maths and science subjects so working all this out doesn't feel particularly complicated to us compared to the maths problems we tackle just for fun anyway. I recognise that some groups might not like doing these calculations.

I love this 😂😂😂 do you have a formula for tweens or women with very small appetites v sport playing six footer men?

What’d do you do with the CF that puts loads of their family’s preferred food into the trolley then squirrels it away when you get back to the accommodation, do they pay 1.2?

Sorry, you can tell I’ve been on lots of shared holidays, but I love your idea!

It’s very depressing as a single person to have people assume because they like to share (with their romantic partner!) you will happily share with whatever random is also alone. We also tend to get the crummiest beds. I’m not going to share a bed except with a cat. If I wanted to share with a human I’d have found a romantic partner 😂😂. I don’t want to share a room even. People are noisy. Me too probably but I don’t care as I’m alone.

That said, organising these sorts of things are a nightmare and you should stay well away in future. As people get older they’ll get fussier and you do sound unusual being happy to share a bed. There’s no point in doing a thankless task when you’re the easy going one.

This is why hotels are ideal and I don’t get the appeal of Air B&B. A whole building full of bedrooms in different configurations 😂

This sounds like such a pain for you OP. I personally would pull the plug and walk away from the house, get a hotel and let the others sort themselves out.
The only thing I would ask you is, do you enjoy all being in a big house together, cooking meals and playing boardgames and drinking together etc? If that’s what you’re going for, that will be missing if you all separate off to hotels.

On the other hand, if you do book and then in your mind can’t stop being annoyed with the singles, probably best you do book a hotel because otherwise you’ll feel pissed off and miffed and it will put a dampener on the trip for you, and possibly others if you aren’t very good at hiding how pissed off you are.

In short - book a hotel!

if you are sharing a big house as a single person surely you cannot assume you will get your own bed or own room

Having your own room and having your own bed are at entirely different ends of reasonableness. I wouldn't expect my own room but no way would I expect to share a bed. And I wouldn't dream of expecting others to.

I think the only thing you can do is send everyone a message "Seems our easy going holidays together have come to an end. I can't find a way to work out all the individual requests. We seem to have all grown up/apart!"

Book yourself a holiday and leave them to it!

@tcjotm i hear you but that is not the situation here. No one is asking anyone to share with a random, these are all women that have been friends long before I knew any of them. They've all holidayed before (presumably in separate rooms!) but I've not met one of them before. And if your friends expect you to get the crummy beds that's rotten. I am so pissed off with this situation because I've always taken one for the team and have volunteered for the crapper ends of the accommodation spectrum and I personally refuse to see any of the single women lumped with the sofa or the bunk room and I am pissed and upset that, for this one occasion (where one of them brought their random pal!!!!!) there's zero compromise.

I won't back down from the view that you shouldn't invite another single friend on the trip that you're not willing to share a room or bed with. "Hi can my friend Sue come, I'm not willing to share a room or bed with her so ideally you can find a place that fits all of you and has two further separate bedrooms for the two of us but at least a twin room but hahah no i'm not going to provide any alternative research suggestions or volunteer to pay extra or volunteer to do stay separately from you all if that's easier i'm just expecting everyone else to accommodate my needs".

WTF.

@JustJoinedRightNow I LOVE my trips with my pals, we climb in the bath and drink 3 bottles of wine, we do karaoke, we cook feats, and we play charades, and we point and laugh at one another in the morning while the unfortunate few are still ahem 'fragile' try to sober up enough to carry one. None of us have kids and it is a fucking blast, and the horrible thing is the realisation that that has (as it happens, by accident) always 'worked' but apparently doesn't anymore and the only solution i see is (in future) to say "X is the location, see you there!" but actually privately message the couples and say hi wanna share? Which makes me kind of hate myself. Ew.

What's happened in the WhatsApp group OP? Have you said anything?

Substantively, nothing. The wife of the other couple (who wanted to bring the guy friend, and for whom the big house is also just more expensive) said “sounds good! We are also happy to move to a hotel” (or words to that effect) but the three single women have not responded yet. Eeep.

OP I totally agree it’s not on for someone to invite someone they don’t want to share with. That’s ridiculous. I once arranged to share with a hotel room with a friend (for her, I was happy to pay for my own room). Then she tried to invite a 3rd person! I said I assumed they were happy sharing a bed and that we’d be splitting things three ways. Oh no she hadn’t thought about it. So I said they could share and I’d book another room. That freaked them out too as it meant I wasn’t organising it anymore.

Lol by random I mean basically anyone. I did have to share with an actual random friend of my aunt’s once. She was very considerate but I was super annoyed with my aunt. In general my rule is if I’m not attracted enough to have sex with someone them I’m not sharing a bed with them.

Those three singles are being a pain now. I’m sorry your holiday has become so much hassle.

To the vast majority of people sharing a room is totally and utterly different from sharing a bed. You shouldn't assume anyone would be happy with either, but especially not with sharing a bed! I say this as someone who would share a bed, but who is aware I'm unusual in that!

I think you've just all grown out of the set up - it happens! You either need to discuss new rules or let house sharing arrangements quietly lapse.

My friendship group goes back 30 years (obviously with new partners drifting in & out over the years, & not every family coming on every trip).

As 20 somethings, we'd all have gladly counted up the beds (10 people going = at least 10 bed spaces needed = total price/10 for each individual). Swings & roundabouts for the singletons - sometimes you'd get lucky with a double all to yourself, sometimes you'd share a twin with another singleton & sometimes you'd be bunking in in a double. We were all also pretty relaxed if that ended up with mixed sex sharing - having known each other since Uni we'd in every permutation either shagged already or definitely decided not to, ever .

Then we all started having kids in our 30s & had to change the model to accommodate family rooms - we were happy to let people with young dc have the biggest room & share it.

Then we all had teenagers & had to change it to splitting cost per room because one family wanted separate rooms for older dc & another were happy to all squash in together & someone else's kids were with their dad that week anyway etc.

Now we are all 50ish, holidaying again mostly without dc & mostly splitting by room. If two singles want to save money by sharing, they agree that between themselves & let the organiser know before anywhere is booked. After all these years we basically know who is a happy bunker-upper & who likes their space. I am currently single & definitely not a sharer, so I pay for a room to myself.

We've only ever fallen out over any of it big style once in the toddler days nearly 20 years ago. Which was resolved by an agreement that anyone who doesn't like the accommodation the organiser had arranged could bugger off & not come at all/get a hotel/offer to book next time.

I'd be really sorry if we'd let it drift, as we've had some brilliant holidays over the years, the dc have formed lifelong friendships & we're all desperate to book a grown ups only week next year. I think the key is everyone being reasonably assertive - you might have the odd row, but that does less damage than festering resentment.

Well OP no good deed goes unpunished, and I think what you have with these friends is precious, so good on you for persevering.

As stated upthread even if my husband were attending, I'd - sincerely - be happy to share a bed with a single female friend and have my husband share a bed with a single male friend if we were holidaying with one male and one female (not a couple). I really wouldn't mind that, but I now see that might be unusual.

I probably shouldn't ask, sorry, but doesn't anybody want to have sex on these holidays? Or am I just vanilla for not wanting to do it behind a bush in the garden?

not much sex happening tbh, too drunk! Save that for holidays just the two of us :D