Shared accommodation / drama

[Iamnotatravelagent]

Would appreciate the MN kangaroo court view on this! Should clarify at the outset that we are not in the UK, and are lucky enough to have low/zero Covid and can therefore book holidays with confidence.

My husband and I have a group of friends that we have been on several weekends away with, always staying together in an Air B n B.

Some of the group are couples, and the rest are single women. The accommodation price has always been split per person, and not per room, so for example a couple sharing a room pay double what one of the single women pays even if the room configurations mean that she gets a room to herself. Sometimes the women have shared a room / bed, and then they pay the same as a couple. To be clear I think that's absolutely fair, and I have no gripes with that.

It's not always easy to find a house big enough for all of us so the last time we went away my husband and I volunteered to go on the sofa bed. It wasn't 'private' but we are all friends and we are all pretty easygoing (although I'm starting to think I am not so easy-going!) The organiser of that trip offered to give us a bit of a discount but we said it was fine.

I suggested a beach trip in July and as usual invited the whole group on what's app. Three couples said yes, and two of the single women said yes, and asked if they could bring a third (female, single) friend. Sure. The more the merrier. I couldn't find a house big enough on the weekend in question, but I did find four houses that each had four bedrooms, and all had a sofa bed. Range of prices, asked the group what they thought. We decided on a house. Then one of the three couples said "actually, no drama, we might only stay one night and will book our own accommodation nearby". The other couple (who is still staying in the house) then asked if they could bring a friend, he would take the sofa bed if that was alright with everyone.

So now we are two couples in two of the bedrooms, two of the girls sharing one room, the other girl in a room on her own, and male friend tag-along on the airbed. Or so I thought.

The three single women have messaged me privately saying that now that one couple is staying elsewhere, they had been hoping they could still have the sofa bed, so none of them has to share a bed.

I asked were they still willing to share and they've said they'd rather not, sleep better in own bed etc. Which I get, but two of them were presumably willing to share when we all agreed to the first house!

If you are still with me (sorry), the AIBU is this: is it fair to pay per person and not per room if you are not even willing to share a room in the first place? How do you normally divide up expenses in these situations? I don't want to cause any upset so thought I would solicit views, including if the view is 'let them sort it out amongst themselves and do not engage!'

This is the bit I just don’t get, because it’s about compromise, the arrangements need to work for everyone. If you want your own space why not just say so? ‘I’d love to come but I’m comfier not sharing rooms. If you can find a house big enough I’m happy to pay extra to get my own room but if not don’t worry, I’ll stay in a hotel’.

No?

Having organised a few of these things, I think it's best to gather opinions (including on price) at the beginning and then give no further options. Definitely a bad idea to change houses halfway through! Especially to a significantly more expensive house. It might be the price that's the issue not the rooms? Everyone needs to compromise somewhere or not come on a group holiday. People do seem to get increasingly fussy with age though. The last one I did half the group wanted to pay under £20 per person per night while some others wanted private rooms with en suite bathrooms!
I would charge per person, it's luck.of the draw whether you get your own room. But people should not have to share a bed unless they choose. It might be that they are asked to bring an airbed to avoid thst. As organiser I normally allocate the rooms, putting good friends together.

I’d love to come but I’m comfier not sharing rooms. If you can find a house big enough I’m happy to pay extra to get my own room but if not don’t worry, I’ll stay in a hotel’.

Yes - that seems sensible. Friends with children tend to do that.

I think that's why you need to be clear from the start and not keep giving more options - it avoids people agreeing to something and then later realising it doesn't suit them. Whereas if the initial arrangements are vague they may feel awkward to back out once they have agreed.

I would give a discount to anyone who has to sleep in the communal area if there are no beds left in the bedrooms.

The new house is significantly cheaper (more more expensive).

l've suggested we all just our own hotel rooms and have said I'll hang on to the house until the end of the weekend and if anyone still wants it they've to let me know before then.

I think it's going to set the cat amongst the pigeons as three hotel rooms for three nights is going to be a lot more expensive than the house share for them but IDGAF anymore!

I'd be happy to share a room, but no way would I share a bed.

If I'd paid to share a room I'd expect single beds, and be really annoyed if I got there and found I was sharing a bed.

Hotel rooms for 1 person would normally cost more per person than a hotel room for 2 persons.
It was very nice and being a good friend when the couples in your group paid the same as a single person when you all hired a room . This probably didn't cost too much more when their were more couples than singles. But now your cost is increasing due to the higher ratio of singles to couples.
It's a good idea to suggest the hotel instead, as the smaller house isn't ok with everyone.
If your single friends persist in sending requests to book the more expensive house with more rooms, maybe explain that with the higher singles to couples ratio, it would cost more than you want/ can spend on your room. As the cost of this per room has changed with 1 of the couples deciding not to stay there.

I’m really confused, you are all paying £75 more each, for couples that is indeed £150 combined but it is still £75 each. I think you are having a faff.

I think you've done the right thing suggesting the hotel rooms.

So it’s 3 couples including yourself and then 3 single women? To be split in 4 rooms? Then yeah it needs to be split by room? I wouldnt ever do this as if I’m paying for myself I would want my own room and definitely my own bed. I go on holiday with my best friend all the time but I would not share a bed no chance. I want my own space and she snores. Think you need to do it so if it’s 200 per room then the couples pay for 1 each and in the third room the 3 split it between them.

I am guilty of assuming other people would be happy to share a bed because I would. If my husband and I were sharing a 2 bed place with two (single) friends, one male and one female, I'd offer to share a room with the woman and the blokes could bunk in together. But noted, I won't assume in future. But I really think the onus is on you to speak up - if you are sharing a big house as a single person surely you cannot assume you will get your own bed or own room. I cannot find an air b n b that sleeps 9 in 6 rooms, or which has at least 2 twin bedrooms.

@OppsUpsSide yes it's about 75pp but my husband and I will be in a bed, why should we and the other couple pay 75pp more to end up with the exact same arrangement. None of us benefit from having the bigger more expensive house. I am generally a give and take person (as noted in OP I always operate on a price per person basis so single people don't pay more, I've volunteered for the air bed and refused the discount as we are all friends, I've slept in the bunk room cheerfully) but there is zero compromise here on their end. Don't want to share a bed, ok here's a solution where you don't need to share a bed. Oh, now you don't want to share a room. FFS!

Charlotte it WAS 3 x couples and 3 x singles, originally to be split into 4 rooms and someone on the sofa bed. Everyone agreed on the basis we'd be room sharing. But then one couple dropped out, the couples thought 'ok let's get a smaller cheaper house' but the singles want to stay int he original house because then they can all have their own 'room' (one is very happy on the sofa bed).

I wouldn't be happy sharing a room, let alone a bed.

But for pricing purposes you’re equating a couple sharing a bed, which you would presumably do by choice, with two friends sharing a bed, which they would presumably not do by choice. I don’t think those two things are equivalent.

Don't book the house. Because one way or another this trip isn't going to happen as planned. Either the single women bed sharers will want a discount pushing the price up for everyone else. Or they'll want to uninvite single male pushing the price up for everyone else and making it awkward with whoever's friend it is, because it's just damn rude to uninvite someone to something. Or at least one of the single women will drop out of the trip pushing the price up for everyone else. And everyone else might not agree to the price increase.

TBH there's not much chance I'd share a room with someone, perhaps if my house had burned down! I'd definitely not share a bed with anyone other than a romantic partner.

Are you all maybe getting too old for these group house rentals? It's the sort of thing that's ok when you're younger, drunk a lot of the time and don't mind roughing it a bit but once you're older and more sober you want to feel at ease and comfortable, no?

If you decide to go ahead I'd tell the three singles that they've all sent you the same message, none of them is happy to share, so maybe one of them can source a house? Then tell the rest that a bigger house is needed and X has offered to organise it. You've done your best, if people weren't happy they should have said so at the time of deciding which house.

it's very difficult. I can see I must be in the minority for being willing to share a room / bed, but as a group we shouldn't need to find accommodation that sleeps more people than are attending and shoulder the cost equally. If the single women had said "i'd like to stick with the bigger house so we each get our own space but we are happy to pay extra" then that would be fine.

Amber you're right, obviously some of the group are getting too old for this and that's ok. But it pisses me off because they've attended other trips and seen others take the sofa bed or the air bed or whatever but obviously there's no room for flex on their end.
unfortunately I think what's going to happen next time is that we say "we and couple A and couple B have found a house we'd like to share, do you guys want to sort yourselves out". I'll not be volunteering to share houses and split the cost equally with the single folk anymore.

I think the best thing you can do is say if you want to do the bigger house, we need to pay per room and the smaller house per person.

Then going forward make sure you have ground rules

Ffs “room for flex” might mean sleeping in a semi private living space, but it doesn’t extend to sharing a bed with a non-romantic partner. It’s absolutely not the same as sharing with a partner. You say you understand this but then keep comparing the two situations and criticising your friends for not being flexible.

@EmiliaAirheart but when it was explained that they didn't want to share a bed i found another cheaper house where no one (other than the couples) would need to share a bed and that wasn't good enough either.

Tbh, given the girls are now requesting their own rooms, the cost should be divided per room.

This was a different situation when sharing was expected but given they've turned down a cheaper house, and prefer their own bedrooms. A per room basis makes more sense.

pisses me off because they've attended other trips and seen others take the sofa bed or the air bed or whatever but obviously there's no room for flex on their end.

A lot of people have a selfish streak and don't care what compromise others are making as long as they're getting something out of it that suits them.

I'm actually against compromise as a principle because I think it gets misinterpreted. Some people think it means getting something that's less than satisfactory. I'd argue it means getting something thats different to what you ideally wanted but that's still satisfactory. I think the first definition breeds resentment.

I'd also argue that with the single friends you mentioned at least one trip where nobody bed shared. How many trips total? Because you seem to expect bed sharing as a single but I'd see it as a massive compromise. Maybe they do too?

To me a holiday is for relaxing. I can't relax properly with someone else in my space, hence not being comfortable even sharing a room, unless it's with a romantic partner.

I'm wondering how old you all are too. Is there any chance someone is menopausal with the insomnia, night sweats and general irritability during the day making it no longer possible to tolerate things they put up with in their youth?

I don't think your plans to bow out from organising all this now/in future are unreasonable, by the way.

The second house sounds like a perfectly reasonable option. I think you did a right thing suggesting a hotel, because that's the only option that will provide privacy for everyone. And if they're happy to pay more for a hotel, maybe that's the way going forward?
If they're not happy, they need to compromise. If they insist on the bigger house just point out it became too expensive with fewer people going. Then they can decide if they want to pay extra for having private rooms or are happy with the cheaper house after all.
In general I think the approach of paying per person was really nice, but only if everyone is equally flexible with sleeping arrangements which is not the case anymore.

On a side note I agree sharing a bed between friends shouldn't be an option, it's really uncomfortable. A hen do is different to a holiday. But you wrote you'd be willing to do that so I get why you were surprised others aren't.

We have done 4 trips in total and this would be the fifth although not everyone has come on each holiday. At easter we were 2 couples and one single woman and we got a three bed apartment and split the cost 5 ways. Everyone happy with that.

In hindsight this is the first time this issue has cropped up - some of the women have definitely shared a room before but on reflection not a bed. So now i know they are not willing to do that and i also know the consensus is that they're not being unreasonable as most people wouldn't be happy to share beds other than with their partners, so it's (genuinely) good to know that for future.

In future i'm a) going to let someone else do the organising and b) if a solution is proposed which involves a big house where single people can spread, to avoid causing a ruckus I'm just going to say we will sort ourselves out separately.

@Iamnotatravelagent

it's very difficult. I can see I must be in the minority for being willing to share a room / bed, but as a group we shouldn't need to find accommodation that sleeps more people than are attending and shoulder the cost equally. If the single women had said "i'd like to stick with the bigger house so we each get our own space but we are happy to pay extra" then that would be fine.

But you be willing to share a bed is theoretical because you're with your husband. You're not actually having to share.

I wouldn't want to share a bed with a friend. I think that's kind of a thing you don't do past early 20s

I disagree, it's not theoretical. I shared a bed with a girlfriend on a recent hen weekend. I've volunteered for the sofabed. I've shared the bunk room with two women, one of whom I've hadn't met. As stated upthread even if my husband were attending, I'd - sincerely - be happy to share a bed with a single female friend and have my husband share a bed with a single male friend if we were holidaying with one male and one female (not a couple). I really wouldn't mind that, but I now see that might be unusual. I think I might be more flexible (or just have much lower standards!) than others, so in future I'll just ask any couples attending if they want to share a house, because i'm a bit fed up of having taken one for the team in the past (splitting cost pp and not per room cheerfully, sleeping on the sofabed etc). That way we can pay per room without having to take anyone else's needs into account.

I wouldn’t want to share a room, let alone a bed! I think you grow out of that as you get older, which is why you are hitting this problem now. The solution is to agree a location, and let everyone book their own accommodation. If smaller groups want to share they can arrange that between them. That way, you all still get your group holiday, without the room sharing and cost splitting dilemmas