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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cried during senior role handover meeting out of anger

71 replies

AquaFaba · 15/05/2021 19:51

Would really appreciate some advice.

I've just won a high level work-role, against some stiff opposition. The previous holder of the role is someone who I don't like or respect for his poor decision making, but I've tried to get on with him.

We met this week, ostensibly for a handover, but it transpires that, unbeknown to me previously, he's tried to push through one particularly sensitive and high profile decision in his last few weeks and has been meddling in the process.

I'm appalled to hear this - the issue in question is so sensitive and has already attracted a lot of public criticism.

That he's tried to push through what is a poor decision, on so many levels, really worries me as potentially it could still end up going through on my watch - but I will end up being the patsy and it will end up in absolute public humiliation and condemnation for me.

I lost my temper - I was just absolutely livid and called him out on this, for what it is. The horror of what could unfold in terms of public humiliation and also anger that he dared think he could dump this on me overwhelmed me and I'm embarrassed to say I started to cry out of anger.

I can't explain it - I've never done this before in my entire adult working life (I'm mid 40s) - but I really don't think I've been so utterly and absolutely angry.

He told me he could see I was 'upset' to which I replied: no, I'm absolutely livid. This is disgraceful behaviour and I see exactly what you have done.

Has anyone else in a senior role reacted like this?
I've never, ever cried - but I cried here out of pure, white anger.

I asked him to leave as I felt there was no point in continuing after that. I'm angry at myself for having shown weakness and my overactive mind is now worrying that he has passed on news about my crying to others.

I'm good at what I do, and have come into this role ready for a challenge - I'm just shocked that I've been stabbed in the back before I've even got going and have been left a potentially shit show to deal with.

OP posts:

HTH1 · 15/05/2021 19:56

What’s done is done, there’s no point worrying about that and he probably wouldn’t do himself any favours by admitting he made you cry. Just try your best to stop the decision going through now.

itsgettingwierd · 15/05/2021 19:58

Well if he tells anyone you were tearful with rage he has to explain why. Which means he has to admit what he's done.

picturesandpickles · 15/05/2021 20:01

Do you feel able to discuss with your line manager, do you know what their view of his decision is?

RhodaDendron · 15/05/2021 20:03

I wish there were more people like you in positions of responsibility and fewer people like him!

Hold your head up high. Slightly different but I remember my last Director breaking down and hysterically laugh-crying for about 20 minutes in front of just me and one other colleague when something went wrong. I still think she’s amazing.

TopBlogger · 15/05/2021 20:04

Do you think it any any effect on him for the sh*t show he has left you with? I'd be fuming too, but mortified with myself for crying. Not sure why - it is probably because to me it would show my true feelings and he didnt deserve that

user1471453601 · 15/05/2021 20:05

In my experience, crying out of anger is pretty common. I've done it, I'm sure many women have. I recognise, as you clearly have, when tears are coming from anger and when they come from elsewhere.

On a practical level,the I would email and speak to my boss and make clear your feelings. If push does come to shove, at least you have some come back. If you have senior board members above you, I would also make your feelings clear to them.

I have an awful feeling that this may be related to gender. If it is, and you are holding a gender critical opinion that you think may prejudice others about you, you are in a very, very difficult position. In this case, just try to distance yourself as far as possible from the decision making

DragonflyInn · 15/05/2021 20:06

Don’t worry about crying. It was part of your anger. I once saw an incredibly senior leader cry when she was giving a talk about sexism she had experienced. No one in that room saw it as weakness or anything to be embarrassed of.

For me the issue is what you are going to do about this decision. Cover your back. Email more senior people about your concerns so you have a written record. It’s a shit situation to be in but you need to protect yourself.

Oinkypig · 15/05/2021 20:07

I have cried due to anger in work, in fact I have only ever cried at work due to anger. It’s happened a couple of times. Can you start being vocal about what he is trying to do to stop it?

WellyBoot12345 · 15/05/2021 20:08

Yes, I’ve done this before. It was highly embarrassing at the time but I was so angry that the hard work I had put into a really difficult situation and the strain of the opposition I was facing wasn’t being recognised. Instead I was being pulled apart and couldn’t contain my emotions and it came out as tears. We agreed to adjourn the meeting because I was sobbing so much (well, I practically told the people I was meeting with to get out of my office) and actually, the next time we met, they had clearly reflected that I had been pushed too far on an emotive issue and were far more appreciative. So it didn’t end badly for me.

FlatterNow · 15/05/2021 20:11

Hi OP - yes, I did this the other week in a work meeting - just with one other person, fortunately. Same as you: just absolutely livid. I'm also mid-40s, interestingly so maybe it's a peri-menopause thing? I have never done it before.

Rainallnight · 15/05/2021 20:14

I’m sure I’ve done this in the past.

On the main issue, though, you need to raise the red flag on whatever the decision is. I don’t know what your governance processes are, but you need to go to someone and tell them this is happening, it’s a mistake and you can’t be responsible for it.

AntiSocialDistancer · 15/05/2021 20:14

If you have to do it is there any chance you could rename the project? The Jeb Brown Implementation project. Plaster his name the fuck over everything.

Really forgive yourself for crying. Then drink. Then formulate a plan of stakeholders, teams etc you need to gather to walk back this decision. Bit of extra time putting some presentation together of alternatives? Meet with vendors who have alternative solutions to whatever problem it solves? Speak to finance dept to put a price on it so you can talk about cost savings?

Dont worry about your emotions. Yes he probably thinks your hysterical, it might have soured his view of women in the work place. But he's already a monumental cock and you dont need him on your side to make a big change.

ChicChaos · 15/05/2021 20:16

If this decision is progressing, that implies that it's something your organisation wants to do otherwise it wouldn't be an option at all. I can't see that one person would be able to push through something that the company/organisation didn't want at all, so while you may be (rightly) concerned about it, was it likely to come up for you anyway?

If you have your own ideas about how this matter would best be tackled, it would be worth mentioning it at an early stage so you can steer it from this point forward.

Original poster

AquaFaba · 15/05/2021 20:31

Thank you.
I think I was just so shocked at myself for having cried - where the hell did that come from?!
I've worked in tough, mainly male environments, during my adult life and have never reacted like this. I've always done poker face. Never, ever, ever cried.

The difficulty is that I am the senior person in question, the buck stops with me, and I will be held entirely accountable.

Immediately after the meeting, I put word out to a board committee of what is just heard. Partly to cover my back, but also look to put the brakes on what he's been trying to do and push forward the idea that the board and I have been working on trying to achieve.

OP posts:

me4real · 15/05/2021 20:31

Shit happens OP, you were upset, everyone gets upset sometimes.

I imagine you've aalready thought of some ways you can reduce the potential effects of what he's done.

If others hear you cry and it is a crap thing he's done, then it counts in your favour and shows you care about your work and are opposed to the decision.

Jacopo · 15/05/2021 20:35

I have done this in a senior role when a male colleague steamrollered something through. I think it is a female rage reaction to what is basically male aggression.
You will be fine. Make sure that the powers that be know exactly what he has done, why you have reservations about it, and what you propose should be done at corporate level by way of damage limitation. Forget about the crying, it's fine.

TheSpottedZebra · 15/05/2021 20:40

I don't really get why you'll end up getting the blame for The Thing, and I guess you can't really explain without being too outing.
But you need to document the hell out of the fact that it isn't yours. Use whatever processes you have and make it known and stopped if poss.

And it's just anger. You could have shouted, or stomped but you cried. It's fine, just own that anger and move on to dealing with what made you angry.

Alcemeg · 15/05/2021 20:43

Sincerity, passion and integrity are nothing to be ashamed of.

pippitysqueakity · 15/05/2021 20:44

A very wise friend of mine once asked why are we so embarrassed about crying, no one apologises for laughing.
It’s a response to a situation, pure and simple.

sergeilavrov · 15/05/2021 20:45

I have a senior role, and I’ve cried a few times in front of people. It happens, and benevolent sexism means it usually isn’t spoken about by the man who causes it because they’ll look bad. I’ve also cried about sadness at difficult choices I’ve had to make that will have impact on the public: that level of pressure manifests differently in different people. There is zero shame in caring about doing the right thing and recognising impact. Good on you, keep being yourself, whatever that looks like for you.

Iamthewombat · 15/05/2021 20:45

@FlatterNow

Oh Christ, don’t start perpetuating the idea that mid 40s women cry at work because perimenopause.

OP: I am in a very senior finance role. I have cried with rage at an audit meeting, when our auditors stitched me up in the presence of the board.

I have seen a male audit partner cry with rage. I have seen a male CFO cry with fury.

In other words, it happens. It’s not the end of your career. Unless you do it weekly!

skirk64 · 15/05/2021 20:46

The more senior your role, the more you have to cover for and accept the blame from the mistakes other people have made. That's why you get paid the big bucks. You may get publicly humiliated as you put it, but presumably you've got a pay rise to compensate.

tentosix · 15/05/2021 20:47

Menopausal? Causes all sorts of unusual reactions in women. Document, document and document what he said and his actions re this change he was pushing.

SionnachGlic · 15/05/2021 20:49

Rage & overwhelming frustration make me cry too, I don't break down in gulping sobs but the tears just come before I ever realise...it rarely happens thankfully, it has been years since it did. But I totally get you are annoyed with yourself...although it is better than having a screaming cursing outburst overheard by many or smashing anything out of temper. Not that you would, I wouldn't either...but others might. Better that we leak a few tears in the heat of the argument. You are a person of scruples & integrity, he sounds like he has neither & is vindictive to boot....if anyone hears your reaction to what he has done, they'll totally get why the tears came...

me4real · 15/05/2021 20:50

*hear that you cried.

I don't really believe in 'peri-menopause' BTW, I think it's a trend. I'm 44 and know some people my age that blame things on 'peri-menopause' but they tend to be a certain type of person.

I'm not saying it doesn't exist for some people, but that blaming things on it is also popular.

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