Cried during senior role handover meeting out of anger

[AquaFaba]

Would really appreciate some advice.

I've just won a high level work-role, against some stiff opposition. The previous holder of the role is someone who I don't like or respect for his poor decision making, but I've tried to get on with him.

We met this week, ostensibly for a handover, but it transpires that, unbeknown to me previously, he's tried to push through one particularly sensitive and high profile decision in his last few weeks and has been meddling in the process.

I'm appalled to hear this - the issue in question is so sensitive and has already attracted a lot of public criticism.

That he's tried to push through what is a poor decision, on so many levels, really worries me as potentially it could still end up going through on my watch - but I will end up being the patsy and it will end up in absolute public humiliation and condemnation for me.

I lost my temper - I was just absolutely livid and called him out on this, for what it is. The horror of what could unfold in terms of public humiliation and also anger that he dared think he could dump this on me overwhelmed me and I'm embarrassed to say I started to cry out of anger.

I can't explain it - I've never done this before in my entire adult working life (I'm mid 40s) - but I really don't think I've been so utterly and absolutely angry.

He told me he could see I was 'upset' to which I replied: no, I'm absolutely livid. This is disgraceful behaviour and I see exactly what you have done.

Has anyone else in a senior role reacted like this?
I've never, ever cried - but I cried here out of pure, white anger.

I asked him to leave as I felt there was no point in continuing after that. I'm angry at myself for having shown weakness and my overactive mind is now worrying that he has passed on news about my crying to others.

I'm good at what I do, and have come into this role ready for a challenge - I'm just shocked that I've been stabbed in the back before I've even got going and have been left a potentially shit show to deal with.

Don't worry about the crying. In fact - own it. Crying out of white hot rage about a terrible and unjust decision is the mark of a caring and good leader.

The only thing good thing about this handover is that he told you what he's done. You have knowledge now which you can use to your advantage - block and deflect.

You could have found out about this when the situation was irreversible which would be so much worse.

@itsgettingwierd

Well if he tells anyone you were tearful with rage he has to explain why. Which means he has to admit what he's done.

But he won't say she was tearful with rage

He'll say "she cried" and/or "she can't cope"

It's how these people operate

I have cried at work through sheer anger and frustration, actually not in recent years (I'm mid 40s so not a peri thing) but a couple of times when I was younger. It felt very much like weakness at the time and like you OP I was shocked at myself.

I think actually it can be a female response to anger. I was certainly never allowed to be angry when I was growing up, I was brought up to be a 'good girl '. Tears were probably safer and were 'allowed'.

Don't worry about it, move on and make sure you stop your idiot predecessor.

I cry when I'm angry.

It's how my anger shows itself.

You sound brilliant OP. I'm at the bottom of the food chain in my organisation and I wish we had more senior execs with your passion

@me4real

I don't really believe in 'peri-menopause' BTW, I think it's a trend. I'm 44 and know some people my age that blame things on 'peri-menopause' but they tend to be a certain type of person.

I'm not saying it doesn't exist for some people, but that blaming things on it is also popular.

That's such an ignorant comment 😡

Perimenopause exists. Medically, biologically. It's not a matter of opinion.

Women don't 'blame' things on it; but it is the case that hormonal changes can affect mood, including emotional responses.

I'm not saying that's the case here at all. I'm simply calling you out on both your lack of knowledge & your misogyny.

@Alcemeg

Sincerity, passion and integrity are nothing to be ashamed of.

This ^ you have nothing to be embarrassed about, I wish more people in authority gave as much of a shit as you clearly do.

@ all me4real What an arse comment. What type are you I wonder?

I cry when I am angry - far more than I cry when I am sad. It is a visceral response and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You showed your anger - good for you. Now, he should be absolutely mortified and embarrassed at what he was doing/trying to do.

Don't apologise for crying. Make sure anyone who needs to knows you cried because you have never been so angry in a professional situation in your life and your response was indicitive of how truly terrible his behaviour was.

I'm in my mid 40s now but have cried at work on six occasions in the last 20 years and all were due to anger or frustration. The first time, when I was about 22, I was really embarrassed. Since then, if I think I might cry, I say at the beginning of the conversation/meeting that I may well end up crying, that it is how I react to anger and frustration in the same way that some people might shout, throw or hit things, I have tissues and to otherwise please ignore it.
All of those conversations have been with men who I have seen in a professional environment shout, throw or hit something due to anger or frustration. I never saw them have a glimmer of remorse or embarrassment about those reactions so I refuse to. Although it is so annoying when water just starts leaking out of my eyes!

Peri-menopause again? Sometimes it is just the day that is in it & whatever event just happened at the wrong moment....it doesn't have to be hormone imbalance. I too am getting a bit fed up with displays of emotion (in women of a certain age!) being hijacked by the peri menopause phenomena. I get that it is a thing but lots of things are a thing....sometimes our emotions are just that, triggered by an event...& not peri-menopause or caused by anxiety or depression.

I rarely cry, but when I do it's out of anger. It's really annoying. So I totally understand.

He's on his way out, so anything he might say about your tears will be ignored or forgotten. And people will focus on what he's done. I'm very glad you've put the word out.

@FlatterNow

Hi OP - yes, I did this the other week in a work meeting - just with one other person, fortunately. Same as you: just absolutely livid. I'm also mid-40s, interestingly so maybe it's a peri-menopause thing? I have never done it before.

Christ, no - the last thing women in their 40s need is other women saying their anger is just them being a bit hormonal and therefore anything they say about the situation can be discounted. Don't we have enough of this shit from men already?

Definitely do everything to attach his name to the project. We need to discuss Nigel Dickerson McArsehole's project. I am concerned that Nigel Dickerson McArsehole's decision will have the following negative consequences, as evidenced by the comments already made by interested members of the Public. We need to develop and implement a strategy whereby the negative public response to the Dickerson McArsehole situation is handled in a way that reduces the considerable negative publicity it is already attracting.

Every time there is more shit stirred up, it's attached to his name. Not in the 'he did it, not me!' manner, but so that his name is inextricably linked to everything that is shit.

I too am getting a bit fed up with displays of emotion (in women of a certain age!) being hijacked by the peri menopause phenomena.

What does that even mean?

Perimenopausal symptoms can start in the 30s, and continue through 40s & into 50s.

So there really isn't a 'certain age', except unfortunately in your misinformed mind. 😐

Who is hijackkng?

There's no reason to necessarily link OP's situation with the perimenopause.

But it's absolutely the case that some fluctuations in emotion can be linked to the perimenopause.

Noting your UN, I assume you are Irish; in which case listen back to Joe Duffy from this past week & you'll be in no doubt about the realities of perimenopause.

Yep did it for the first time the other day , I was angry I had been accused of something I did not do and had a HR meeting . I am the company owner. It happens .

I also cried when I am shocked and angry. And often after the cry I felt disappointed that I didn’t take the situation at hand firmer and tougher, instead of crying. I just hate crying in front anyone other than my own family, as it’s as sign of weakness.
But I think what you should focus on now is to move on from the frustration and anger from this guy and think of the measures you can do to stop what he tired to push from happening.
We are humans , we have feelings and it’s okay to cat. What matters more is what we do after the crying.
Good luck.

Put it behind you and get ahead of this. Emails to everyone, informing them of exactly what he has been up to, your disagreement and your recommendations moving forward

I can never understand why crying is so stigmatised. The only time I cry really is when I’m properly fucking furious. I don’t think there’s anything embarrassing about it, and I’ve had plenty of professional roles where something extremely unjust or frustrating warranted a good weep. It’s like a pressure valve, right? It just has to come out or you’ll explode. Agree with a PP, own it, shrug it off and make very fast plans to not have whatever he’s up to landed on you. It’s your gig now.

Not to derail, but a pet peeve of mine is men not being discouraged from crying. My DH is a weeper, and most of my previous boyfriends too. I’m all about it, let it out son 🤣

Back to OP: don't worry about crying

Now try to be dispassionate about the situation. What are you going to do to at least pause & flag up the situation? You are in post. He's leaving.

Forget him, escalate it with your own senior manager.

Being tearful with rage is not a weakness, it shows you are human.
I would take your concerns to HR immediately btw.

OP says she never cries, and is normally poker faced in tricky situations, so crying is totally out of character. So of course peri menopause could be the answer (along with justified rage). OPasks what made her react this way, so it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do to look to answer her actual question.

And for the idiot denying the medical reality of hormonal imbalance, do you say the same for pre menstrual and pregnancy hormonal issues?

Sorry, men being discouraged

I'd be less concerned about the crying than being stuck with his crap decision. Do whatever you can to undo it. If it was a hiring or firing choice, tell management it would be better long term to pay the person off and get rid now.

It sounds like crying in front of him is the least of your worries given what you have discovered.

Focus on what is important - sorting out the mess.

I've cried in anger before and I'm still annoyed at myself, I was about 34, not done it before or since. I'm actually getting angry about it all over again, luckily it wasn't a work thing, but a sporting event. I just cried and ran away, it should have been a great event for me, but thats the overshadowing memory for me even after all this time!