Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Cried during senior role handover meeting out of anger

71 replies

AquaFaba · 15/05/2021 19:51

Would really appreciate some advice.

I've just won a high level work-role, against some stiff opposition. The previous holder of the role is someone who I don't like or respect for his poor decision making, but I've tried to get on with him.

We met this week, ostensibly for a handover, but it transpires that, unbeknown to me previously, he's tried to push through one particularly sensitive and high profile decision in his last few weeks and has been meddling in the process.

I'm appalled to hear this - the issue in question is so sensitive and has already attracted a lot of public criticism.

That he's tried to push through what is a poor decision, on so many levels, really worries me as potentially it could still end up going through on my watch - but I will end up being the patsy and it will end up in absolute public humiliation and condemnation for me.

I lost my temper - I was just absolutely livid and called him out on this, for what it is. The horror of what could unfold in terms of public humiliation and also anger that he dared think he could dump this on me overwhelmed me and I'm embarrassed to say I started to cry out of anger.

I can't explain it - I've never done this before in my entire adult working life (I'm mid 40s) - but I really don't think I've been so utterly and absolutely angry.

He told me he could see I was 'upset' to which I replied: no, I'm absolutely livid. This is disgraceful behaviour and I see exactly what you have done.

Has anyone else in a senior role reacted like this?
I've never, ever cried - but I cried here out of pure, white anger.

I asked him to leave as I felt there was no point in continuing after that. I'm angry at myself for having shown weakness and my overactive mind is now worrying that he has passed on news about my crying to others.

I'm good at what I do, and have come into this role ready for a challenge - I'm just shocked that I've been stabbed in the back before I've even got going and have been left a potentially shit show to deal with.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 15/05/2021 21:43

Better a woman crying tears of rage than some big twat of a man punching a hole in a wall. 🤷‍♀️

What's the issue? Something to do with the welfare of children I'm guessing?

If this is going to go through on your "watch", with you presumably as scapegoat, are you able to resign now in order to protect your reputation and preserve your career?

Lollypop701 · 15/05/2021 21:58

You cried because you care…I’d prefer to employ you than someone going through the motions.

buckeejit · 15/05/2021 22:01

What the hell is wrong with crying at a time like that?! You're human & it's what we're programmed to do. Emotions are necessary. You were entirely professional in what you said & have alerted others to attempt to prevent the thing.

Hope you manage to stop it & don't stress. He is in the wrong.

RestingPandaFace · 15/05/2021 22:05

I have only ever cried at work twice and both times out of sheer rage. It’s far easier to hold it together when you are upset than when angry.

Tistheseason17 · 15/05/2021 22:16

Yep.
I had a fab line manager at the time who told me it was OK and that tears stem from passion- it's good to be passionate. Thst stuck with me. I shamelessly cry when I need to.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 15/05/2021 22:34

I've seen my boss break down and cry. It was a conversation between just me and him. Out of complete overwhelm, stress and just sheer exhaustion I think. He's male and very senior. I'm female and mid level management. He's ten years older than me. I don't think any less of him.

Slightly different scenario I appreciate. But my point being it does happen to people as we're all human.

Whythesadface · 15/05/2021 22:34

I think you need to document it all,
Then ask what HR feel can be done to this person, as you feel his reckless disregard in doing this has left the company with a massive problem then could blow up into a media problem,
Arrange a unified response should this be the case.

flippertygibbit · 15/05/2021 22:53

I'd be more annoyed I lost my temper tbh.

edwinbear · 15/05/2021 23:05

I wish you were my senior manager OP. You have integrity, passion and empathy. You clearly care very much about what you do, that's a wonderful thing and the fact you cried out of frustration and anger is not something to be ashamed of. At all.

edwinbear · 15/05/2021 23:13

To add, I cried at work once. I was working on a ground breaking, incredibly lucrative deal, my boss and I had a meeting with our legal team, I disagreed with him, publicly, in the meeting about something - essentially siding with the lawyers rather than him. He was furious afterwards, gave me a proper dressing down in the corridor, accused me of not 'having his back' etc, it was awful. I cried, it was embarrassing for both of us, but it was just that the stakes were high, we were both stressed and wanted to do the right thing. As it turned out, I was actually right, but neither of us could have known that at the time. I adore my boss, he is fantastic, whilst he never actually directly apologised, I got the most fantastic end of year review. One of our core values is 'speaking up' and he tells me now that I'm a role model for 'speaking up' and to never stop doing it.

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 15/05/2021 23:17

I was being made redundant except actually I was handing over the work to 2 other colleagues, because the role was essential and so busy it actually needed 2 people to do it (don't ask).

I then found out the 2 people who were going to be doing my work were paid a band higher than me. A band I'd been requesting an increase to for the 5 years I'd been taking on additional work and responsibility for no additional recognition.

I cried at my handover to my boss. When I let rip with all the unfairness of it over the 5 years I'd worked my arse off only to be made redundant. I cried through anger. I haven't done it since and I burnt that bridge but it was hugely unfair.

Fortunately I got a new role where I was highly valued, learnt key new skills, met wonderful colleagues and it springboarded me into my perfect career. So I'm glad I let rip because I never want to go back!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2021 23:22

I don't really believe in 'peri-menopause' BTW, I think it's a trend. I'm 44 and know some people my age that blame things on 'peri-menopause' but they tend to be a certain type of person.

This is one of the most ignorant, insulting and belittling things I have ever read. How marvelous for you that you haven't experienced how horrific peri-menopause can be, you are very fortunate. Btw, peri-menopause isn't something one can choose to "believe" in or not, as it's a very real thing. It's not a fucking unicorn.

StartupRepair · 15/05/2021 23:42

Own it. Your narrative is 'I am so angry at this mess that I shed tears of rage for the first time in my career. This is how serious it is.'

Panaesthesia · 15/05/2021 23:43

How rapidly can you get the process halted?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/05/2021 23:45

Yep.
I had a fab line manager at the time who told me it was OK and that tears stem from passion- it's good to be passionate. Thst stuck with me. I shamelessly cry when I need to.

This.

Don’t worry about the tears. You will be undoing that fuckers work anyway.

Iamthewombat · 15/05/2021 23:47

Then ask what HR feel can be done to this person

Oh FFS. The OP is in a senior role. She can work out how to handle this one without ‘going to HR’, which would be entirely pointless. She’s senior enough to deal with the problem head on. It’s not an HR problem: it’s a terrible business decision.

What use would HR be? And how is attempting to get something ‘done to this person’ by them going to solve the problem?

It astonishes me how often this advice is given on Mumsnet.

Divebar2021 · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok so the only reason why crying is seen as negative is that men don’t do it and therefore it’s not the “ default “. Women work to not cry because we don’t want to be judged as weak and over emotional. It’s just water coming from your eyes. I once cried with a manager because I was angry about an incident and felt he didn’t have my back. I did feel the need to say I’m angry not upset. He dealt with it pretty well because we were sitting in an open plan office at the time. I think you’ve got to style it out and forge ahead.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 00:15

OP you cried because it was as plain on the nose of your face what he was doing, and he tried to manipulate you, AND you care.

Good on you lady for calling it out for what it is. Whatever it is..

BlankTimes · 16/05/2021 01:23

There must be some way of you being able to say that was all done by the previous person and you had no knowledge of it.

Now that you have been made aware of it, you are suspending all action on it or even better cancelling it because it has not gone through due process.

There's absolutely no need to be publically humiliated by his underhand actions, freeze them immediately and make sure it's known it was all done by him with the intent of your downfall.

Sounds like something out of a political thriller!

Whythesadface · 16/05/2021 09:46

HR because right now there is not a document trail.
It doesn't matter how high up you are, if you don't do it the legal way, your arse is not covered.
It's just he says, she says.
The same with the board, documents are needed.

LongTimeMammaBear · 17/05/2021 08:46

OP, forget about the crying. It happens. Chalk a line and move on, you’re human

As for the board committee, you need to memorialise what he has done and your plan so you should contact the secretary for the committee to ask for an agenda item at next meeting to discuss what plan your predecessor has done and your planned changes to this and why. You need a written, official record, even if it is that the committee decides to continue on with the plan of your predecessor. That a discussion was had and if decision was ultimately done by committee rather than your idea being pursued should be recorded.

Flip

1 2 3