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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to stop being unreasonable...

63 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 09:53

YIABU

We have been through hell as a family, the loss of our business, loss of our home, illness, a baby etc etc.

Throughout the last 5 years my husband has told me to trust him and he wont let us down.

After a major case of PND I finally got my head together, have found us somewhere permanent to live (after 2 movews in 6 months), encouraged my husband to get a good salaried job (and chose the right position).

I am now in control of our finances and am setting out a routine for the kids.

My husband now leaves home at 7.30 (I drive him to the station) gets home at 7.45pm, eats his dinner and goes to bed. he does nothing.

I went away for 2 weeks to visit a girlfriend and I asked him to do a list of things in the new house (stairgate, showerhead, a mirror up - not exactly build an extension). He did not do one. NOT ONE.

He does nothing with the kids at the weekend unless I suggest it and organise it.

NOW

I am organised and feel as if I am functioning as a single parent and my anger and resentment is at boiling point. I have tried talking to him (can he at least put his pants in the laundry bin). He always says that he will change but he doesnt.

he has this job in the city now and acts like he is really a big shot - so arrogant. Always waffling on about his boss and their "blue sky thinking lingo".

I feel like i am doing all the work, parenting, organising, sorting, cleaning etc.

I cant stop myself from digging and sniping at him (so much is my hatred). I have asked him to leave but he wont.

Please tell me how to stop being so spiteful and nasty. im beginning to hate the person i have turned into.

Sorry for the rant...thanks for staying!

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 09:54

I took the kids BTW on this trip (3 kids and a 9 hour flight...)

OP posts:
Lulumama · 16/11/2007 09:56

it is good you recognise the sniping as unhealty

you have had a hellish time, absolutely awful, and it is amazing you have come through it, able to carry on and be together

do you think he might be depressed, hence not doing anything while you are away and unable to engage with the children

of course the alternative is, he is lazy and cannot be arsed....

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 10:01

Hmmm...could be lulumama.

He lost a lot a friends due to the business going tits up.

But at work he is the golden boy, its like he has a new/other life there, and cannot be arsed he.

I keep on making truces and trying so hard...but the anger just wells up in me again.

He has going to another work ball tonight that wasnt important but he felt he should go ( i thought to show a bit of will and show his face) but he has booked the cab to bring him back at 1.30!!

My eldest has shingles and my 1 yr old is so clingy...

Grrr I hate him and you are right, its unhealthy. It makes me feel achy inside.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 16/11/2007 10:04

make a rota ... it isn;t fair if you are both working that you do all the other stuff as well

did you ask him why he didn;t do the stuff you asked him to?

also, and i am not trying to apportion blame but you say "i take control of the finances", "i make a routine" - perhaps he feels that he can't contribute as you seem so capable etc

i am not sure about the depression thing - sounds like a huge case of lazyitis

NotQuiteCockney · 16/11/2007 10:06

Maybe he enjoys work because he feels capable there, but doesn't enjoy being at home, because he doesn't feel capable there?

I'd consider relate or similar, tbh. (Or counselling for you? You are clearly very very angry at him, and it's not helping either of you.) It sounds like you've got into some unhelpful patterns.

madamez · 16/11/2007 10:08

I don;t think you're being that unreasonable, if he will neither help out nor listen to you. That;s enough to make anyone angry.
He could be suffering from depression, but he could just be tuning you out. City jobs often carry a really deep culture of contempt for women, so his workplace could be encouraging him, either directly or indirectly, to think 'oh her indoors is moaning again, bloody women, oh well whatever, who cares'.

PatsyCline · 16/11/2007 10:11

I'd hate him too, frankly! Your sniping is unhealthy but if he won't communicate in any way with you then I can completely understand that the temptation is to nag him into submission.

At the moment, it strikes me that you are living togetehr but you are not connected. He's living his life and you're living yours. I know that counselling may be out of question for you owing to time constraints but my counsellor really recommends this book (I got it from ebay for £1.50) from Relate.

www.amazon.co.uk/Staying-Together-Crisis-Deeper-Commitment/dp/009185671X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b?ie=UTF 8&qid=1195207742&sr=8-5

Good luck. I have a friend in a very similar situation who seems to go round in circles with her partner, so I really do feel for you.

Patsy x

LizaRose · 16/11/2007 10:13

MSTG, you haven't said if you are working outside the home yourself, or a SAHM.

BarbieLovesKen · 16/11/2007 10:30

If you work outside the home too then you are definately, definately not being unreasonable and my heart goes out to you!!!

However, if you stay at home, well then sorry! but I would think you are being unreasonable.

LizaRose · 16/11/2007 10:42

You clearly don't do all the work, as your husband is out of the house 12 hours a day earning the money to support your family. I think you both need to appreciate each others' efforts a bit more, and maybe there will be less resentment. And of course, he should put his pants in the laundry!

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 10:49

I am a SAHM. I have 3 children 12, 8 and 1. i had severe PND with my 3rd and am only just coming out of the fog.

I say i dont work, but in fact i also do a bootfair most weekend and am a bit of an ebay queen.

My husbands "dream " of running his own company (which i dutifully went with) went tits up because all of my ideas were ignored. Basic things like do what you know, dont try and master something we know nothing about etc. During this time it was my extra "work2 that kept the wolves at bay.

This week i went to the job centre and I have an interview on Thursday for further training into nursing.

I was completely incapacittated whilst i had PND and everything went to pot. The kids had no routine, the house was filthy, we are rubbish (and during this he wasnt working the whole time). He even suggested that instead of my appointment with my doctor i went out shopping with a friend (i wasnt allowed to drive and he couldnt be arsed to drive me).

My problem is that now I feel like every little thing he does just irritates the life out of me. I feel like I have got well despite him. When i look back now that i am stronger i cannot believe that I was so stupid to stay with him for so long.

I can understand why he has no friends. he is unreliable and selfish and I feel like the last one to know. So i also feel foolish.

I dont know how to stop this vortex.

Counselling? He doesnt have time for his kids - let alone counselling!

And yes - I do feel like the bloody nagging wife indoors, that I would not be if I were single and just waiting waiting waiting for him to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 10:50

Sorry about the spelling and grammar - just typing furiously.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 10:53

BarbieLovesKen - why am i being unreasonable if I dont "work"? He has not got a penny through these doors for 5 years, and now he finally has a job, he is all of a sudden a hero?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 16/11/2007 10:56

I think you are right Lizarose - maybe I need to try and appreciate what he does and be a dutiful wife. This is my life now and I should just deal with it.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Niecie · 16/11/2007 10:58

Can you go to counselling by yourself for a bit. You can do that with Relate. You can get to grips with what exactly is making you so cross, what you absolutely won't put up with for much longer. It is difficult to know when everything annoys you.

Niecie · 16/11/2007 11:00

By the way, I don't think you are being unreasonable as such. I suspect it isn't the practical stuff but the emotional distance and the thoughtlessness that is making you so cross.

LizaRose · 16/11/2007 11:02

MSTG, my situation mirors yours in some ways. I have been incapacitated by depression. My DH had a business which folded when our second child was 10 months old and I had to go back to work FT to keep the wolves from the door. Now I have children 5, 4 and 1, my DH is out 12 hours a day at work and I run the home. He doesn't do DIY and he leaves his dirty clothes scattered about. But I don't feel the burning resentment you do, in fact I am very happy.

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/11/2007 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maggieb52 · 16/11/2007 11:07

This is going to sound like I am a female chauvinist but I think he's being a typical man. Can't sort out a p* up in a brewery. I would love to be one of those people who can suggest something and then develop it so that the man thought he was the one who came up with the idea - if you know what I mean. Sorry you are having a rough time.

Niecie · 16/11/2007 11:09

I totally agree with your MMJ but I think a big part of the problem is that he doesn't seem to acknowledge that MSTG has been through a very tough time and is suffering too. He seems very selfish. I would think if he just gave her some emotional support the practical stuff wouldn't matter so much.

Judy1234 · 16/11/2007 11:18

Why not go back to full time work and get a job in the city better paid than he does? That might give better balance in the relationship and then you both can chip in to pay someone else to help do some of the chores etc.

Nothing to stop women being "big shots" in the city either, is there?

Is this not really at heart a thread about how it really doesn't work when one person is at home and the other goes out to work because that leads to inequitable relationships and never properly satisifies the person at home.

LizaRose · 16/11/2007 11:22

I don't think being the breadwinner entitles a man to treat his wife like a slave, but I do think that organising, cleaning and doing the lion's share of the housework is the job description of a SAHM. When my DH gets home, the dinner is done, the kids are bathed and in bed and there's nothing much to do except bedtime stories and washing up. Of course, if he didn't appreciate how hard I had worked to make it so, I would be pissed off. And if I was struggling, say if I was unwell or whatever, he would pitch in to help. He also takes the kids out at the weekend so I can have "me" time. I could almost write the first half of the OP and it would be true, but we do not have a problem.

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/11/2007 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prufrock · 16/11/2007 11:28

My dh is out of the house, working in a city job, from 6:30 to 6:45. (though he walks to the station) And I would never expect him to put mirrors up, or do anything at home tbh. He shares childcare at the weekends, and puts the kids to bed, but that's because he wants to be an involved father.

I think the difference between me and MSTG is that my dh earns enough that I can afford to have a cleaner and get people in to do DIY - so his financial contribution means that I don't have to do everything, wheras you do. I do strongly believe that a breadwinner is only able to opt out of the household chores if s/he wins enough bread to mean that the SAHP can also opt out of some of them - otherwise s/he should help out at hoem as well.

prufrock · 16/11/2007 11:29

Dh and I also have huge amounts of respect for the contribution each of us makes to our family, and it sounds as if neither of you have any respect for each other. How can you respect a man that you treat like a child? I'm not saying that you maybe haven't needed to take the control in the relationship, but you can't continue to have an adult realionship with somebody if you are organising and controlling every aspect of his life. If you both decide that you wnat to make this work then you both need to change the dynamic of your relationship, and the only way to do that is to have counselling. If he won't, then you need to leave, because it isn't going to get any better without some big changes to both of your attitudes