How to stop being unreasonable...

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

YIABU

We have been through hell as a family, the loss of our business, loss of our home, illness, a baby etc etc.

Throughout the last 5 years my husband has told me to trust him and he wont let us down.

After a major case of PND I finally got my head together, have found us somewhere permanent to live (after 2 movews in 6 months), encouraged my husband to get a good salaried job (and chose the right position).

I am now in control of our finances and am setting out a routine for the kids.

My husband now leaves home at 7.30 (I drive him to the station) gets home at 7.45pm, eats his dinner and goes to bed. he does nothing.

I went away for 2 weeks to visit a girlfriend and I asked him to do a list of things in the new house (stairgate, showerhead, a mirror up - not exactly build an extension). He did not do one. NOT ONE.

He does nothing with the kids at the weekend unless I suggest it and organise it.

NOW

I am organised and feel as if I am functioning as a single parent and my anger and resentment is at boiling point. I have tried talking to him (can he at least put his pants in the laundry bin). He always says that he will change but he doesnt.

he has this job in the city now and acts like he is really a big shot - so arrogant. Always waffling on about his boss and their "blue sky thinking lingo".

I feel like i am doing all the work, parenting, organising, sorting, cleaning etc.

I cant stop myself from digging and sniping at him (so much is my hatred). I have asked him to leave but he wont.

Please tell me how to stop being so spiteful and nasty. im beginning to hate the person i have turned into.

Sorry for the rant...thanks for staying!

You sound so frustrated and lonely.

I can only really see two options for you.

Either your husband accepts that there is a major problem in your relationship and you go for some serious, long term couples counselling to save your marriage. Or you separate.

If you still love him, and importantly, if your husband is as willing as you are to face up to things and work on making a big change, then counselling could be the way forward. I had severe PND after my son was born. Communication had completely broken down between me and my husband and I was desperately unhappy - counselling undoubtedly saved my marriage. Can you have one more attempt at a serious talk with your husband and raise the counselling issue? I hate ultimatums, but maybe he needs a wake-up call - that it's either counselling or you consider separation.

Good luck.

You sound very angry, as well.

i think it's always good with this sort of issue to be very clear with yourself about what you actually WANT in life. Your ideal outcome - absolutely ideal. It may be feeling love again for your dh and having him be an involved partner and father. Then you just work back from there to work out what you need to do to achieve that. And be really, truly open-minded. You may need to change too. It's never ALL one sided.

i think writing this stuff down is really helpful. It helps you to clarify things and it helps to have it DOWN, out of your head, so that you get a bit more headspace.

I do agree with Xenia about life getting easier as kids get older and money gets easier. It's hard to see the wood for the trees; but life with a young family is as hard as it gets; and that's without the added complications you have had to endure.

And finally I do think people are right when they say have counselling; I think go alone, in the first instance. Counselling can really help you identify what issues are in the past - issues you really have to let go of, because they are feeding your anger.

Well thanks for your opinions everyone. have been pondering all day.

I was a SAHM after we got married and he worked long hours and I had a bit of help (could afford babysitters and to "do lunch" now and again).

But our circumstances are different now. We are massively in debt and cannot afford little luxuries like his pub lunches at £7 a pop every day.

I try to contribute in any way I can financially and my spending habits have changed enormously. he pointed out last week a pair of work shoes he would like that bordered on £100...I get my clothes at boot fairs.

When he comes home the dinner is on the table, kids bathed and in bed, house straightened. he does not even wash his plate up.

His contribution is to make my sons packed lunch in the morning after he has spent 20 minutes reading in the loo.

His weekends are spent watching or playing sport.

I just want to stop feeling so resentful and angry.

In my original post i said IWBU, I just dont want to be so unreasonable at petty things, its soul destroying.

It sounds like a normal traditional housewife male worker scenario which I would never tolerate personally or politically but plenty of women accept and indeed love. However most men these days do more at weekends. Perhaps you could get a job on Saturdays and Sundays - then you get your own money and he has to look after children all weekend - win win situation all round.

So he's acting like a kid - spending money you don't have, and you are having to tell him off. If you want him to start acting like an adult you need to make him (and I so don't think any woman should have to make a man behave like an adult, but you need solutions, not feminist dogma).

Why are you controlling the finances? Does he actually know the extent of the problems, or does he just think you are being mean not leting him buy the shoes he wants when all the other guys at work can afford them. You need to sit down together and work out a budget so that he realises that £7 a day on lunch is not workable.

Stop nagging, and start demanding. Demand that he takes resposnsibility with you for fixing your situation. And if he won't, then be prepared to leave - you can't complain but then continue to enable him to be what you are complaing about - because if you do that you will still be complaining about him in 20 years time.

I agree with Pru. Be specific about what you want him to do at the weekend, then get out of the way and leave him to it.

Can you agree to a personal weekly budget to spend how you wish (each)?

Or make him his lunch with many housewives do for their men I suppose to save that lunch money.

I appreciate that other posters are trying to help, but it really sounds like the situation has gone way beyond a lot of the suggestions being made. Seriously - do you want to save your marriage? Does your husband?

I don't think this is about the post being a sahm and therefore excusing her husbands lack of interest in her/ their home life. It's the relationship that needs working on.
I think being told to just accept that this is the way it is when one of you stays at home is ludicrous. Surely life is about loving and caring for each other not one upmanship.
It is soul destroying to nag, whinge and feel constantly resentful- I went through a period of this when my first child was born.
I coped by stopping my constant moaning and waiting until the kids were sleeping and then sitting down and really talking face to face. This gave my DP a chance to talk too, but after we had both eaten and had a rest.
When I look back, this period was about us getting used to changes in our lives.
The key to sorting out problems is communication.
Good luck anyway, I hope things work out for the best whatever you decide, but nobody needs to just put up with being unhappy.

Casbie....... "have sex with your husband" ??? So, he does bugger all, his dw is on her knees with frustration, exhaustion, rage and despair, and she's s'posed to reward him with sex? (Even supposing she has the time, let alone the inclination).And that encourages him to change his behaviour..... how?

Because he's happier. I don't think it works to withhold sex and then think you can do a sort of black mail thing and get changes made.

But I agree with manchita - having children or any other big changes in your life takes some getting used to.

sex is a reward for both partners, it reminds you why you got together in the first place and what you love about each other...

all of these other frustrations could be because they ain't getting enough and are loosing in touch with one another. resentment builds, small things irriates...

clam - are you suggesting that sex is a male-only reward/pleasure?

Not at all. But whilst I know that it can re-connect you on a certain level in theory, in practice it's the last thing you feel like when you want to kill them.