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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

60 replies

Labh · 13/05/2021 18:20

Need some advice... I have a 1 year old daughter. Me and my ex spilt when she was 4 months old. He Paid maintenance for couple months then refused so I went to CSA. He never paid for 4 months through them so they started taking the money from his work. I have never stopped him seeing our daughter even though he doesn’t want to financially support her. He has now quit his job so he doesn’t have to pay the money.
Part of me wants to stop him seeing our daughter because what parent quits there job so they don’t have to support there child. Dunno what to do....

OP posts:
Atalantea · 13/05/2021 18:22

YANBU to want him to pay to support his child

YWBU to go to pay per view though,

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/05/2021 18:23

What a bastard, unfortunately he is not the only one to quit work.

Be the bigger person and don't stop contact, I know it sucks.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/05/2021 18:24

Its shit, really shit, but you can't, and shouldn't stop her seeing him.

Building a relationship is for her, not him.

I empathise greatly though, the system is so bloody unfair.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/05/2021 18:27

He's not likely to quit for long as he will be very unhappy on low benefits

So keep trying to find out where his next job is ...

FireWafer · 13/05/2021 18:28

My ex frequently does this, quits his job to avoid paying for the kids, the difference is that he doesn't see the children.
He always job hops as he needs to work in order to pay his bills so I just bide my time and keep putting in claims. I will usually get money for 6 months or so and he will jump ship again. And so the pattern repeats. Its a lot of hassle but also for me the principal that he should be providing financially for his children so I suck it up and the arrears keep building. He owes me over 20k and I will keep going until I have every penny. Even when the kids hit 18 he will have to keep paying the arrears off.

My advice to you is to budget like you don't get any. Have the money put into your savings account and when you do get some it is a bonus or buffer for months when you have a big bill. Keep in contact with the CMS and keep checking in to see if he is going through the tax system again.
I wouldn't stop him from seeing your daughter. They are 2 separate issues.

flyingtartar · 13/05/2021 18:39

Oh my gosh - the very first comment was the bloody 'pay per view' crap Angry.

You shouldn't stop her seeing him but I struggle to believe that someone who gives up work to avoid having to support his child has her best interests at heart and actually gives that much of a shit about her. If you stopped supporting her it would be worse than 'pay per view' as eventually she would be taken off you and you may not see her at all.

Does he actually want to see her? If he really does and she is happy with it (as far as you can tell at her age!) I would keep up the contact but keep my eye on things. If there are further signs of his not giving a shit or as she gets older issues arise I would look at limiting it. You should also not drop the claim as they can take from his benefits at the very least and hopefully he'll start work when he gets sick of being skint.

Good luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2021 18:41

Who’s supporting him now?

How often is he seeing her? While you’re right to be livid with him, she only has one dad and she’ll be the one missing out if she’s used to seeing him regularly.

IggyAce · 13/05/2021 18:41

It’s rubbish that he doesn’t provide for dd but she has a right to have a relationship with him. However I would provide nothing for her visits to him he can buy his own clothes, nappies & wipes.

Pinkpaisley · 13/05/2021 18:46

I wouldn’t stop visits. Those are for her, not just for him. However, I might make a stand on not incurring any expenses for those visits. He needs to provide everything. I would give him a list of age appropriate supplies he will need to have with him when he comes to pick her up. Diapers, wipes. If you are formula feeding, the formula in the correct brand and the kind of bottles she regularly uses. If you are breastfeeding then obviously you will have to send that.

Atalantea · 13/05/2021 18:46

@flyingtartar

Oh my gosh - the very first comment was the bloody 'pay per view' crap Angry.

You shouldn't stop her seeing him but I struggle to believe that someone who gives up work to avoid having to support his child has her best interests at heart and actually gives that much of a shit about her. If you stopped supporting her it would be worse than 'pay per view' as eventually she would be taken off you and you may not see her at all.

Does he actually want to see her? If he really does and she is happy with it (as far as you can tell at her age!) I would keep up the contact but keep my eye on things. If there are further signs of his not giving a shit or as she gets older issues arise I would look at limiting it. You should also not drop the claim as they can take from his benefits at the very least and hopefully he'll start work when he gets sick of being skint.

Good luck.

It's not crap though is it?

Yes in an ideal world he would be stepping up and being a man and providing for his child. He's not, but does that mean the child suffers by not seeing their father??

Doyoumind · 13/05/2021 18:50

If he wants to see her then the courts will allow him to regardless of whether he pays, unless there is a huge safeguarding issue. You don't have a right to link contact with what he pays even if you would like to.

caringcarer · 13/05/2021 18:53

My ex did this but when kids were on their teens. I had to say no to new things they wanted on months he did not pay. Eventually I told them why I could not afford to buy their things done months after putting up with this for several years and when he did not pay from September to February I had to tell them they could not have much for Xmas. They hit the roof and refused to see their Dad for ages. He got upset and then started to make repayments bug kids still did not want to see him. As adults 1 son sees him occasionally about 4 times a year and our eldest son has nothing to do with him. I just got so o fed up of bring the one who had to say no to them all the time because of his selfishness. CSM did make ex pay eventually by threatening to confiscate his passport as he was self employed. When he wanted to take new gf to India and need d his passport that is when he started to pay again. He is a poor parent.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 13/05/2021 18:54

Do the visits cost you?
If he picks her up from yours then I'd not change anything but if you're driving her there and sending nappies etc that you bought then I'd understand why you'd not want to do that.

He's a fucking shit bag Thanks

TwoAndAnOnion · 13/05/2021 18:55

YBVU to consider using your child as a weapon

StreetLightsHoney · 13/05/2021 18:57

YABVVU. Children aren’t pay per view. You don’t get to interfere in their relationship.

He’s her father, don’t jeopardise their time together just because you’re pissed off.

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 18:59

He pays for all costs at the visits. And now he has spare time on his hands he could help out more if he can be bothered (and you need a break).

Theunamedcat · 13/05/2021 19:00

I understand the emotion I mean what kind of parent refuses to pay for there child? Not a fucking good one

However two wrongs dont make a right therfore you need to keep allowing him to see her

And make sure you get the pathetic £7 a week out of his benefits he will hopefully see the error of his ways and realise that its easier to work and pay than dole doss and pay

ConsuelaHammock · 13/05/2021 19:06

Can he look after her so you save money on childcare while you work ?

Happycat1212 · 13/05/2021 19:11

He's not likely to quit for long as he will be very unhappy on low benefits

Well my ex has managed to stay on benefits for 5 years so don’t count on that

Anyway back to the op, no I think it would be wrong to stop him and a court would agree with it being wrong as maintenance and contact are not linked

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/05/2021 19:14

If you stop him seeing his daughter despite him not being a risk he can take you to court for access and you might end up with a 50/50 arrangement or worse so please be cautious.

flyingtartar · 13/05/2021 19:35

It's not crap though is it? Yes in an ideal world he would be stepping up and being a man and providing for his child. He's not, but does that mean the child suffers by not seeing their father??

Yes, it is total crap. A glib soundbite that is spouted 99% of the time I'm sure by people who have not split with the father of their child. It places blame on the shoulders of the RP and strongly implies they are an arsehole who treats their child like a subscription channel, when in fact it is the absent parent who is treating parenthood as an optional extra.

As I said, I wonder how much a child does suffer by not seeing a parent who doesn't take parenthood seriously. It's a complicated question and I did not advocate stopping contact. It probably is better in the long run for the child to have an imperfect relationship wth their father and come to their own decision about it rather than knowing their mother stopped the possibility of a relationship when they were a baby. Who knows, he may be a great dad and this is the one blot in his copy book (I mean, it's quite a big blot). I doubt it though.

Theunamedcat · 13/05/2021 20:42

@ConsuelaHammock

Can he look after her so you save money on childcare while you work ?
Yes then he can get her to pay child support
HughGrantsHair · 13/05/2021 20:46

@ConsuelaHammock

Can he look after her so you save money on childcare while you work ?
Do you honestly think a man who will happily not pay child support will a) want to look after their child more often (and pay the associated costs of it) and b) will do a good job of it?

YWBU to stop contact if your daughter is happy and safe with him, as much as it would be tempting and I don't blame you for feeling that way.

Happycat1212 · 13/05/2021 21:19

Do you honestly think a man who will happily not pay child support will a) want to look after their child more often (and pay the associated costs of it) and b) will do a good job of it?

Well it isn’t an entirely unreasonable suggestion is it? Considering posters on here regularly tell women that men are only trying to reduce maintenance payments if they suggest 50/50 or ask for more contact, so maybe he will be up for 50/50 if he knows it means that he doesn’t have to pay

Newmumatlast · 13/05/2021 21:26

@Atalantea

YANBU to want him to pay to support his child

YWBU to go to pay per view though,

Agree with this. I voted yanbu in terms of feeling this way but you would be to do it. It isnt up to you to deny your child a relationship with their parent unless he is a danger to her.