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AIBU to say I won't be helping AT ALL anymore?

67 replies

bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 14:45

My DP will ask me for help, advice or opinions on things, which I give as its asked for, only for me to find he then double checks with other people, mostly men tbh, before he'll accept my advice or take on board my opinion.

This seems to be happening more and more. And also with things I point out in general.

One example recently was there was an issue in his car where sometimes the stereo wouldn't work. I told him I'd had issues with the stereo. He dosent use the stereo much so perhaps he didn't notice it playing up. We were then in car together and the stereo started playing up, so I said again, casually, you may need to get it looked at, maybe its just a loose wire or something. He agrees, but doesn't do anything.

Fast forward 2 weeks and his adult son borrows the car and stereo plays up. That afternoon DP comes home and tells me, DS says theres a problem with the stereo so I booked the car in tomorrow, as need to get that sorted.

That is just one example, and I know it sounds so insignificant, but its that kind of scenario which happens all the bloody time.

Most recent one, which has really pissed me off is he bought a little holiday home a while ago and it needs loads of work. I'm decent at painting (as used to do it for a living quite a while back) and a few bits and pieces and I offered to help him paint, clean, fill some holes etc. He says brilliant, thats great.

3 days later he says he has called Bob to come and help him with the painting and filling holes. Bob hasn't painted a wall in his life.

He is still assuming I will be helping (cleaning? as thats whats left), but am I right to be insulted that I offered my help and he's now gone and asked fucking Bob to do the exact thing I said I could help him with?

So on this occasion, AIBU to just say, I see you have Bob helping you now, so I won't be helping AT ALL?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

SarahBellam · 13/05/2021 14:48

He doesn’t respect you or value your opinion. That’s the long and short of it. I’m not even convinced he listens to you.


maslinpan · 13/05/2021 14:48

That would make me SO angry. Don't offer any help, and if he asks for it, tell him exactly why you won't.


GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2021 14:49

Definitely point out that you offered help painting, and not cleaning / making the tea etc.

Perhaps say “oh are you and Bob going to do some cleaning while I paint? That’s great!”


SummerHouse · 13/05/2021 14:49

If he asks for any other favours or advice for the rest of time I would be replying, "ask Bob." Grin


GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2021 14:49

Or probably better to say, oh ok I won’t be needed then.

And not offer in future.


NeepNeepNeep · 13/05/2021 14:51

YANBU He sounds sexist. Do not help. You'll end up cleaning and making tea.


Susannahmoody · 13/05/2021 14:54

It's a verison of mansplaining


Susannahmoody · 13/05/2021 14:56

DH does this too, his token comment is :'that's not a bad idea' when I find a solution to something he can't figure out.

No, DH. It's a fucking BRILLIANT idea.


PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 14:57

Not is his memory? I only say this because my DH has the memory of a goldfish. So often I find I’ll tell him something, but it doesn’t sink in until he’s been told again by a couple other people. Sometimes it’s not other people, but me repeating myself.

On the painting, I’d just ask, so is Bob helping us because painting an entire home would go faster with 3 people compared to 2 people.


TheQueef · 13/05/2021 14:58

Let him paddle his own canoe.
Bob can clean and prep.


Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2021 15:00

He clearly has very little respect for you, and you are certainly not his equal in his eyes. Why are you wasting your life on him? I would have been done with this bullshit ages ago.


bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 15:11


If he asks for any other favours or advice for the rest of time I would be replying, "ask Bob." Grin

Grin Grin
OP posts:

bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 15:15

I'm just about done with it all.

First few times, I was like WTF I already told you that. After I'd told him something and he double checked with other people and then told me it back as though it was a revelation that it was in fact correct.

It does feel sexist to be honest, as its always mens opinions he takes on board and seems to double check mine.

The house thing has really pissed me off though. I'd offered my time to help, which I don't have lots of to be frank, and hes asked someone else. Just feels as though he accepted my help with no intention of actually me doing the painting because he thinks I am incapable of doing it. Its insulting.
Gives me the rage!

If Bob lets him down, I think I may be too busy to fit it in now.

OP posts:

bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 15:17

He's doe a few other things recently where I'm starting to lose all respect for him. As it seems he has very little for me over certain things.

OP posts:

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 15:17

This happens with my FiL all the time. I'll mention something, then a while later, some random dude in the park will mention it and suddenly he's doing it.

Suspect misogeny....


Dogscanteatonions · 13/05/2021 15:21

I'd be pretty bloody cross too! Why don't you ask him straight why he asked Bob to help when you had already offered and you actually used to do this for a living?

Like fuck would I be doing anything else to help after that insult.


Taikoo · 13/05/2021 15:22

Yes, he's sexist.
And he does not respect you.
I'd hate to be saddled with someone like that.
Definitely stop helping him, just leave him to it.
He doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the box either.
Just sounds like a tool, actually.....


NinaMimi · 13/05/2021 15:29

I have the same interactions with my parents all the time. I come to visit and tell them the shower in the spare bedroom isn’t working, they smile bemused and explain to me how a shower works Hmm. Weeks later I return for them to inform me as if it’s new information that the shower in my room isn’t working. I have a million infuriating examples like this.

However it’s much worse from a partner so you have my sympathies. I’d try to really emphasis the differences in his responses to you compared to others.


Naunet · 13/05/2021 15:35

Oh of course he thinks you would be best placed “helping” with the cleaning 🙄 Don’t do it OP, leave him to it.


LadyDanburysHat · 13/05/2021 15:36

If Bob lets him down, I think I may be too busy to fit it in now.

Hell would freeze over before I'd lift a paintbrush in that house if I were you,

I would suggest that you ask him why he doesn't value your opinion, but I doubt you'd get anywhere.


wingsnthat · 13/05/2021 15:40

He clearly thinks repairs, handiwork and painting are male jobs


wingsnthat · 13/05/2021 15:42

With the house, I wouldn’t help at all. Like you shouldn’t even be in the same property as they’ll lumber you with all the maid work. If you’re not there, they’ll have to do all that themselves- let them


TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 13/05/2021 15:43

He can go with Bob to the house while you do something else, if you're not needed!


gamerchick · 13/05/2021 15:47

He sees you as good enough for cleaning and that's it. You know you'll end up cleaning up after his mate and you won't get a thankyou. He's a sexist dick and hell would freeze over before helping him again. It needs spelling out though.


bookworm20 · 13/05/2021 15:47

I have brought it up with him on things in the past, and he just refuses to see what the issue is and says he doesn't do that and that he totally values my opinion and believes what I say. Hmm

So I will just go on strike I reckon. He can crack on with Bob.

If he asks me to help, I'll just say, Oh I didn't think you needed me since you have asked Bob to do it. I'm pretty busy now, sorry. I'm sure Bob and you can cope.

He did ask me about paint colours yesterday, and I just said. I have no opinion totally up to you. because I know damn well if I gave one, he'd be double checking with Bob (or some other bloke friend who MUST be more qualified than me to choose a paint colour).

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