AIBU to say I won't be helping AT ALL anymore?

[bookworm20]

My DP will ask me for help, advice or opinions on things, which I give as its asked for, only for me to find he then double checks with other people, mostly men tbh, before he'll accept my advice or take on board my opinion.

This seems to be happening more and more. And also with things I point out in general.

One example recently was there was an issue in his car where sometimes the stereo wouldn't work. I told him I'd had issues with the stereo. He dosent use the stereo much so perhaps he didn't notice it playing up. We were then in car together and the stereo started playing up, so I said again, casually, you may need to get it looked at, maybe its just a loose wire or something. He agrees, but doesn't do anything.

Fast forward 2 weeks and his adult son borrows the car and stereo plays up. That afternoon DP comes home and tells me, DS says theres a problem with the stereo so I booked the car in tomorrow, as need to get that sorted.

That is just one example, and I know it sounds so insignificant, but its that kind of scenario which happens all the bloody time.

Most recent one, which has really pissed me off is he bought a little holiday home a while ago and it needs loads of work. I'm decent at painting (as used to do it for a living quite a while back) and a few bits and pieces and I offered to help him paint, clean, fill some holes etc. He says brilliant, thats great.

3 days later he says he has called Bob to come and help him with the painting and filling holes. Bob hasn't painted a wall in his life.

He is still assuming I will be helping (cleaning? as thats whats left), but am I right to be insulted that I offered my help and he's now gone and asked fucking Bob to do the exact thing I said I could help him with?

So on this occasion, AIBU to just say, I see you have Bob helping you now, so I won't be helping AT ALL?

[dizzycatdance2]

This type of thing was a fairly significant factor in my divorce.

There was a failure on a system.we were using in our business, I knew there was a fault, it was stopping me from working properly but because it didnt affect him it was a) irrelevant b) wasn't happening.


It was only when it affected another person that suddenly it was an issue.


Worst was a hand brake in our car , I wa having to use two hands, it was way,way to tight, his response, " you need to get better at it," I ended up damaging my back from using it. This went on for months.


My sister tried the car , mentioned , ONCE , "oh that hand break is stiff," two days and it was fixed.




He's my ex now, being made to feel irrelevant was very damaging

[namechange1032]

[pigsDOfly]

Bloody hell OP, you're not married to my exh are you?

This sort of thing was constant with him, and no, he didn't have any respect for me or my opinions, and it was one of the things, among so many, that resulted in him being my ex.

One example: we were having a loft conversion done that was going to be our bedroom and bathroom.

I wanted the walls painted in a certain colour, can't even remember what it was now, and h wasn't fussed what colour it was.

However, the guy doing the painting said he had some 'lovely pale pink paint' that, he claimed, would look lovely in that room - have to point out that I detest pale pink walls - so guess what colour the walls ended up? Yes, pale pink, because the guy doing the painting had a far better idea of what colour would suit my bedroom than I did, apparently.

Let your DP and Bob get on with it. Take yourself off somewhere and do something for yourself.

And if he ever asks for your help for anything, as pp said, tell him Bob can help him.

This constant undermining wears away at you in the end.

[pondfrog]

@SarahBellam

He doesn’t respect you or value your opinion. That’s the long and short of it. I’m not even convinced he listens to you.

This. Especially the bit about not being convinced he even listens to you.

Sorry OP.

[sweetypop]

That would really piss me off too YANBU.

[Triffid1]

Some people can only make decisions like this if they've got the buy-in of everyone around them. It's weird. And incredibly frustrating. So i wouldn't necessarily be taking it personally (ie I wouldn't see it as an insult) but I would find it incredibly frustrating and very difficult to deal with. As for the painting, I'd be saying, "So you don't want me to help you after all?" because I bet you that he thinks it's going to be lovely group project in which Bob will have equal say in any decisions.

The other side of people like this, in my experience, is that often they are asking everyone because they actually have an opinion already but no one else is giving them that opinion so they just keep asking in the hope it will change. That is equally annoying.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

That soubds infuriating... And not minor at all.... Its just dismissing you and your hard won skills...

I'd be definitely pointing out the example to him you've shared here in words of one syllable...

'yes you do dismiss me and ask others... I volunteered a come and help you paint /fill holes in the holiday home... I USED TO DO THIS PROFESIONALLY, now you drop in that you've asked bob... Who has never decorated in his life...

You seem to be still expecting me to help..
I'll not be doing the fucking cleaning /making food.. Whichever wife work tasks you've given me...

Oh and I'm not remedying Bob's fucked up paint work...

Now tell me again you're not dismissing me...

[FFSFFSFFS]

Does he totally respect your opinion and wisdom when it comes to cleaning and laundry?

[Porcupineintherough]

YABU about the advice. Advice doesn't come with any obligation to follow it.

[horrayforharoldlloyd]

Misogyny innit

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

My dad does this.., asks me about cleaning /laundry... No fucking interest or clue... I do the minimum...

Stuff im actually pretty expert in (lots of shiny degrees/certs and things) ??? He'll believe any Tom, Dick or Harry (none of whom have any specialist knowledge unlike me...) over me...

[bookworm20]

@Porcupineintherough

YABU about the advice. Advice doesn't come with any obligation to follow it.

Of course it doesn't. But If he asks for advice and I give it. He then asks someone else the same thing and they give the same advice. He will tell me that Fred from the pub said (exactly what I had said). As though it was a revelation and genius advice given by Fred, as opposed to what I'd said in the first place.

Quite often I find myself thinking WTF, I just literally said that to you.

[katy1213]

Let's hope Bob brings his mop and bucket.

[queenMab99]

My late husband used to do this, after a few instances, it was annoying me, so I explained that it was insulting that he didn't value my opinion, and would rather take the advice of friends or even random people he met in Drs waiting rooms etc. He did reflect on this and agreed it was a sexist and ignorant trait. We were both late 40/50s when we met, and he was not a feminist, but he shaped up very well eventually

[wildchild554]

It could be he is trying to save you time as you said you are short on time.

[FeelinHappy]

Childish but necessary.

Husband and I are both guilty of not tuning in properly especially when MNing being busy doing important stuff on the internet BUT it's all about the bigger picture isn't it? You know him best.

[Eddielzzard]

Bob is his new best friend. I would be binning him personally, but not before doing this back to him. Keep asking his opinions and ignoring them.

[joystir59]

That would make me angry too. You and DP should be a team making good use of one another's strengths. His sexism makes him blind to your skills. It would drive me bonkers and makes me glad to be a lesbian where this sort of stereotyping happens less in my experience.

[wingsofsteel]

YANBU. I have this from some male relatives, but could not put up with it from a DP. My favourite example of this was a few years ago when 2 male relatives were having a conversation about a problem they were dealing with. As it happened, I am highly qualified in that area and advised professionally exactly that issue. I told them how I would deal with the matter and offered to help. I did not specify exactly how qualified I was to advise but the knew where I worked etc. A couple of weeks later, they told me they'd found someone locally (a man that I knew of and who had far less experience in the are than I did) who would deal with it for them for £££ and thought I'd like to know that amazingly in the end the solution was what I told them (and would have sorted for free). They clearly expected me to be proud that my silly little idea turned out to be a good guess and grateful to them for validating me by telling me.

[MadameOvary81]

You'll be wanting this mug for him, so he can sip his coffee and contemplate how best to ignore your advice.

[IDontLikeZombies]

Ah, now I see what's happening here. You clearly don't appreciate that all mechanical impliments, paint brushes, footballs, beer taps and bicycles need a penis to work to their optimum. Its got nothing to do with experience or practice or any of that namby pamby nonsense, just the penis. Stuff the degree, trust the bollocks (this is sarcastic, I know you know that but I don't want to get flamed)

[GroovyClementine]

DH has a Bob. His Bob is called Steve.

When I got into woodwork, as in making furniture, he would consult Steve about what I was doing frequently.

He would come home from his shift and confirm that Steve approved of my methods for various things (paraphrasing there).

Between DH and Steve, there was exactly zero hands on woodworking experience.

I ended up saying to DH (read shouting) that just because he was too stupid to understand what I was doing, it didn't mean I didn't know and I certainly didn't need any advice from some random twat he worked with just because the random twat was in possession of a penis.

Then again, DH himself thought I was asking him to take part in a brainstorming session if I called him in to hold a table leg while I measured something of put a screw in.

There were a few more instances and home truths given (DH is absolutely fucking useless at all DIY but thought he must be good at it by virtue of dick'n'balls possession despite results indicating this is not so) before I finally got him to pack that sexist shit in.

I am very good at DIY but it took a lot of effort to make him see that.

[Summerfun54321]

So sexist. My FIL does this. I have an engineering degree and masters but it’ll be the guy next door who knows fuck all about anything who’s advice he’ll follow. My own DF and DH always come to me for advice as they respect me and my opinions. This would wind me up so much. It’s a LTB from me!

[WallaceinAnderland]

Well yes OP that's all well and good but what you don't appreciate is that Bob probably knows a man who once hired a man to supervise a man doing a man's job which had been assessed by a man with knowledge passed down from a man who once knew a man who paid a man to assess the job. So really, YABU.