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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She expects me to always be available

74 replies

Zig27 · 12/05/2021 21:31

I have a friend who has a bad habit of messaging at 9, 10 or even 11 o’clock at night asking if I can chat on the phone right now. Sometimes I am shattered and just want to rest before going to bed. Usually when she chats it’s about something minor that she has blown out of proportion. She has messaged now asking if I am free and I said I am at the supermarket. I have not read the next reply but know it will say what time am I back because she wants to talk. No other friend does this so why does she think I am free 24/7 counselling service. What is the best response?

OP posts:

Sunshineday1 · 12/05/2021 21:33

Just say no?

gamerchick · 12/05/2021 21:34

I wouldn't have replied in the first place. I never reply if I'm not up to chatting.

Tell her you're not free tonight but you'll speak tomorrow when you've finished x,y,z.

Carandi · 12/05/2021 21:34

You say sorry, I'm not available tonight to talk. No need to give a reason. If you're feeling generous you can offer tomorrow night or another evening and suggest a time that is convenient to you.

normalsaline · 12/05/2021 21:36

I don’t know what the problem is, she asks if you’re free, surely you just say no. How is that expecting you to always be available, she’s literally asking if you are or not

Newchances · 12/05/2021 21:37

I would tell the truth, if you are always available she will never expect you not to be...therefore keep asking

moovinon · 12/05/2021 21:37

I would just avoid opening the message. Message back the next morning "oh sorry, fell asleep". Just keep making excuses as to why you can't chat. She will give up eventually.

Or say you can chat but you've only got 5 minutes because you're going somewhere.

I absolutely never answer my phone as a general rule. All of my friends have got the hint now.

Thunderdonkey · 12/05/2021 21:37

Say no, when you are tired is never a good time to get any issues in perspective. Tell her you will talk to her in the morning if that suits you.

squashyhat · 12/05/2021 21:40

Turn your phone off.

1Morewineplease · 12/05/2021 21:40

Just don't open the message.
Answer it when you're freely able to.
If she calls you up on it then tell her that you were busy.

Totallyrandomname · 12/05/2021 21:42

@gamerchick

I wouldn't have replied in the first place. I never reply if I'm not up to chatting.

Tell her you're not free tonight but you'll speak tomorrow when you've finished x,y,z.

It’s as simple as this. Either don’t reply or say sorry I’m busy tonight but can call you x time.

If you call her back whenever she needs asks it’ll raise her expectations.

Suzi888 · 12/05/2021 21:44

Tell her the truth, nip it in the bud .

1980tastic · 12/05/2021 21:45

Why do you feel you can't say no?

You need to be honest because she's never going to guess you feel this way.

"No, I'm going to get home late then straight to bed"
"I have a million things to do so not a great time. How about Friday evening?"
"Sorry but I'm not available to chat, I need to get shopping sorted then sort out stuff for tomorrow"

You don't need to have overly long explanations, but her response will be revealing. Does she push boundaries more or still expect you to be at her whim, with no regard to your needs/preference? If so, time to review the friendship.

For me, any friend wanting a no warning, trivial chat at 9-11pm would not work, I just don't have the time or space for people who demand that in my life - I have little people and family that (if I did have any spare time!!) I would give to them first. But what she's expecting might work for some people. Just not me. And not you from the sound of it.

Hurr8cane84 · 12/05/2021 21:45

Your friend is unreasonable, not you

dottiedodah · 12/05/2021 21:49

I think there is an unwritten rule somewhere that no one phones/texts past 9 .00pm .None of my friends/family phone this late! Just say to her that you like a chat ,but you are past it past 9pm (and honestly who isnt)! and look forward to a chat the next day!

whenthebellsring · 12/05/2021 21:49

No other friend does this so why does she think I am free 24/7 counselling service

Because you always respond even though you don't want to.

If she texts asking if you're free, her answer will be your lack of response, meaning No, you're not.

Then respond when you are and you can even say sorry I was busy [because you were] or I wasn't free then. Only respond when you're free, no need to get into a discussion about it. She'll get the pattern.

mainsfed · 12/05/2021 21:50

Every time you speak to her you reinforce that this is ok.

Limit it to one time a week or whenever suits you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/05/2021 21:54

Honestly, 9,10,11pm might be only time she is free to chat. When the children were young, it could easily be past 9pm by the time homework, dinner, showers and bedtimes were done, and everything set up for the next morning (packed lunches made, kitchen wiped down, laundry done, etc).

So I’d not be too judgemental of her. She may be trying to fit connecting with you into a very busy schedule. I’d just have an honest chat with her and tell her that is too late for you and suggest catching up on weekend, or she just type you an email and you’ll write her back the following day when you are free.

SaturdayRocks · 12/05/2021 21:56

This isn’t as much of a conundrum as you think it is, OP.

You knew what people were going to suggest when you posted, so it’s really just a matter of doing it.

Agree with @normalsaline.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/05/2021 21:58

It's very frustrating when someone blows things out of proportion frequently and relies on you to talk them down. I have someone in my life who would do this, if I let her. She used to phone and message either very early or very late. I told her that I was fed up of her crying wolf, with her melodrama and that nothing she had ever described was as urgent or serious as she made out. I told her in no certain terms that I would either answer or call back when it suited me. She still pushes it but has improved slightly because she knows I'll stick to my guns.

DaphneDuBois · 12/05/2021 21:59

‘ no - I’m really tired. Happy to chat tomorrow around 8pm?’

Don’t be too nice, OP. You’re a good friend and a kind person but the only person who can put you first here is you.

Lou98 · 12/05/2021 22:04

why does she think I am free 24/7 counselling service.

Because when she messages you reply saying you're free?

She isn't just phoning you multiple times every night, she's messaging you to ask if you're free to chat - just reply being honest, say you're shattered and not up for a chat

SafferUpNorth · 12/05/2021 22:05

I have a similar scenario with a retired friend who phones almost every day about something minor (nothing emotional or because they're struggling, just practical questions/chats).

It's usually mid-morning while I'm working flat-out, or mid-afternoon while I'm getting kids from school or super busy with something.

I just ignore the call and phone / message back when it's convenient for me.

Glitterblue · 12/05/2021 22:06

I had to start not opening messages from one of my friends and not being active on Facebook for that day because she constantly wanted to come and sit in my house when she was bored.

Ellenthegenerous · 12/05/2021 22:08

I have a friend like this. She wants to start conversations at 10 at night and will send a wall of texts. I don’t respond until the next day. She also wants relationship counselling by phone late at night too.

Original poster

Zig27 · 12/05/2021 22:11

Thanks for all of your replies so far. They are very helpful. I want to be a good friend but need to put boundaries in place.

She does not have children and does nothing in the evenings anymore as she is frightened to go to the gym because of covid. She tells me she wastes time on Facebook. I’m happy to chat on the phone about 6pm but because she does not prioritise her time she expects me to go to bed late because she wasted her evening. In the past I offer her an alternative time and she says no!

I think I should switch off the phone or not respond until 24 hours later.

OP posts:

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