She expects me to always be available

[Zig27]

I have a friend who has a bad habit of messaging at 9, 10 or even 11 o’clock at night asking if I can chat on the phone right now. Sometimes I am shattered and just want to rest before going to bed. Usually when she chats it’s about something minor that she has blown out of proportion. She has messaged now asking if I am free and I said I am at the supermarket. I have not read the next reply but know it will say what time am I back because she wants to talk. No other friend does this so why does she think I am free 24/7 counselling service. What is the best response?

Honestly, what is the problem here? She's asking if you are free to chat; if you're not, you either say no or ignore.
And 9pm - it's after dinner, not 3am! This is something minor that you're blowing out of proportion!

@katy1213

Honestly, what is the problem here? She's asking if you are free to chat; if you're not, you either say no or ignore. And 9pm - it's after dinner, not 3am! This is something minor that you're blowing out of proportion!

No - it's more likely OP feels the urge to help the friend out and doesn't have the heart to sack them off - which from what it sounds like, OP needs to do for their own mental health. Being a 'counselling-friend' for every single time they call you is bloody exhausting, especially if from what OP says, the friend is scheduling the calls to suit them and only them! Selfish mare! OP, your friend needs to seek some prof help (unless valid reasons for being 'too scared to go out') that's seriously unhealthy - and Facebook FFS!!!! That's the biggest fear-porn forum going re. Covid right now!!! I'm afraid you're going to have to make some difficult decisions on your 'friendship' going forward. All or nothing kind of situation I feel.

You’ve got yourself into this and it’s easy to sort out by saying you’re free 6pm and 9pm is too late sadly. You can say this immediacy or the next day

You need to be honest with her. Stop taking her late night calls and say you need an alternative time

Honesty really is the best policy.
The next time you ARE speaking to her, tell her you are on winddown from 9pm and will not be answering calls or texts short of emergencies... REAL emergencies.. so if she wants a chat she can phone you earlier... but the shop will shut at 9pm!!
Say it - mean it - do it.

I have a friend who used to this....eventually I had to tell her that I couldn't/wouldn't talk late in eves because then her problems/issues (non issues!) are rattling around in my head & I can't get to sleep afterward when it was already last my bedtime... which was true. I'd be too switched on & couldn't properly relax. Just tell her your down time is from 8pm or whatever it is & you can't have long discussions because it is me time or family time or whatever. My friend worked part-time, was a night owl & it was no problem for her to ph 10.30/11. I told her nicely the above & stopped answering her calls after 9pm. So remind her your preferred times & no calls after whatever time...& just do not answer the ph.

Hi, I am that friend. From my POV I don’t expect my friends to be available, I might even message or call 3 or 4 until someone can talk. I just like phone calls more than texts... usually I don’t have anything specific I want to talk about (unlike your friend it seems). But just be honest if you can’t be bothered just tell her. What’s the worst that can happen?

I had a thread on this very topic really recently, the agreed solution was to gently tell her she was affecting my mental health.

The upshot was that she got professional help and I continue to support her in a less intense way.

I can’t imagine not being able to say to a friend what you’ve put in your opening post. Just say you need to unwind at that time of night.

Assuming she’s not texting to say ‘help! I’m trapped under a fallen bookcase!’ just reply when it suits you. My sister and I message at random times when the thought strikes us but we don’t expect a reply on any timeframe. My phone is for my benefit. I’m not the emergency services needing to be accessible 24/7.

OP... take back control..

set your WhatsApp messages to Preview .. so you can screen her messages without opening them...

Respond when you it suits you ...

🌸

I would tell her it is very inconvenient to get calls late at night, and she should already know this. Just state the truth.Its not a case of being cruel to be kind, its just common sense that she has to realise this.

Put phone on silent after 9pm or whatever time you choose. Answer if you want to and know who it is. My phone went off at all hours, 11.30. 2 or 3am etc. Same problem as you. Person dumping all their probs on me. Never wanted to know about my probs. I stopped answering phone, if urgent people leave a voicemail. It worked, silent nights now. I just get texts like. You must be asleep.... lol

I think she does deserve some credit in that she is sending a message first to check that you are free, not just calling. The response is up to you.

But given that she must have some sense that this can be inconvenient (hence checking) and the fact that you describe her as a friend, could you have an adult conversation about it?

"I notice that you find it helpful to talk through problems in the evening. I can't really give you my full attention then because x, y, z. Wonder if we should do A, B, C once a week or once a fortnight instead?"

That's if you want to maintain this friendship...if not, you can of course ignore the messages or just respond with "sorry not free this evening". Do it enough times and she'll find someone else to listen.

She just messaged saying do I want to chat now because she is bored. I’ve told her I’m busy. It’s ok for her having lots of free time. I’m a busy person. Time to implement boundaries.

@jollyho

Hi, I am that friend. From my POV I don’t expect my friends to be available, I might even message or call 3 or 4 until someone can talk. I just like phone calls more than texts... usually I don’t have anything specific I want to talk about (unlike your friend it seems). But just be honest if you can’t be bothered just tell her. What’s the worst that can happen?

That sounds really demanding. I can imagine the conversation if they all meet up without you.

This seems to be on a par with people saying they never open the front door. She is a friend. She has asked if you're free; you aren't. Sometimes I don't know how people on here would have coped in the 70s and 80s when we didn't have caller ID or 1471. Back then you just answered the phone and dealt with it!

Have a look for the button that turns your phone off.

Back then you just answered the phone and dealt with it!

Tonight I’ve had three work messages, friend messaging about Saturday night, another friend upset needing a shoulder to cry on etc

In the 70/80 nobody was as readily available.

Technology isn’t being used to help more hinder!

I had an friend like this. When I tried to put boundaries in place she wouldn't/couldn't stick to them, but I did - I wouldn't pick up the phone outside our agreed times. After a couple of times reminding her I couldn't talk while I was at work or late at night I stopped reminding her, and still didn't pick up the phone when she would call me while I was working. So after a while we never spoke at all, it was really strange.

@gamerchick demanding to want to keep in touch with your friends? I don’t call the same one repeatedly, if they don’t pick up that’s fair point. But if they do talk about me behind my back then it’s probably all bad but that’s not why.

@jollyho

Hi, I am that friend. From my POV I don’t expect my friends to be available, I might even message or call 3 or 4 until someone can talk. I just like phone calls more than texts... usually I don’t have anything specific I want to talk about (unlike your friend it seems). But just be honest if you can’t be bothered just tell her. What’s the worst that can happen?

If I found out that I was one of 4 or 5 or 6 people that someone texted until they got a response, I'd be seriously pissed off. I'm busy and I'd be really pissed the friend considered me to be backup to someone else until they got the attention they were looking for. So knowing that, the chance of me replying if I knew that would be really really low.

The worst that could happen is that the backup friends could all have the wool pulled from their eyes, realise that they are being used as a backup for a demanding 'friend' and that they drop you like a hot cake and then you'd have no one to contact for a non-specific chat.

@LookItsMeAgain then I am glad we aren’t friends.
But all my friends do the same, text at random points to see if anyone’s up for a chat. We might be driving home from work, have a quick minute to talk, etc.
They aren’t backup friends, we are just all busy in different counties and time zones and have done this for years. We have a group chat we sometimes just pop in to ask if anyone’s up for a chat. But if they all drop me, it’s fine because if they dislike me that much I’d rather not be their friend.

@jollyho - the way you've explained what it is that you do, does come across as different to what I was imagining.
I was picturing a situation where one person sent out text after text to different people at the same time and it would have been akin to a child tapping their parent on the arm until they got their parent's attention or going "Mum...mum...mum....mum....mum....mum.....mum....and so on" until their mum stopped whatever they were actually doing and gave their child the attention that the child was looking for.

That's what I was imagining was happening. Apologies for misinterpreting what you were saying.

Can we be friends now? I promise I won't bug you