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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She expects me to always be available

74 replies

Zig27 · 12/05/2021 21:31

I have a friend who has a bad habit of messaging at 9, 10 or even 11 o’clock at night asking if I can chat on the phone right now. Sometimes I am shattered and just want to rest before going to bed. Usually when she chats it’s about something minor that she has blown out of proportion. She has messaged now asking if I am free and I said I am at the supermarket. I have not read the next reply but know it will say what time am I back because she wants to talk. No other friend does this so why does she think I am free 24/7 counselling service. What is the best response?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 12/05/2021 22:11

Tell her it’s not convenient right now, or after X time.

waitingforthenextseason · 12/05/2021 22:12

Just don't pick up the phone if it's not a good time.

itsgoodtobehome · 12/05/2021 22:12

Phones have an off button.

5zeds · 12/05/2021 22:15

I find this utterly baffling. She’s ASKING if you’re free to talk. If you aren’t interested in talking to her you just say you aren’t free now and if you like offer another time. She’s texting first so as not to bother you.

TaraR2020 · 12/05/2021 22:15

Just say that you're not going to use your phone after X time at night anymore.

FortunesFave · 12/05/2021 22:15

Why would you not respond for 24 hours? Then it would be 10.00 the next night?

Just don't respond and if you want to, text the next morning.

GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 22:15

well you'll have to start saying no-its no convinient you cant stay up late you have work etc

whenthebellsring · 12/05/2021 22:16

I wouldn't switch off your phone if you still need to use your phone. You'd then begin to feel like you're hiding and restricting yourself. I just wouldn't respond to her till whenever you can.

But if switching off your phone causes you no inconvenience personally, then I'd go for it.

whenthebellsring · 12/05/2021 22:19

Also agree with PP saying she's asking if you're free first and not demanding it. I think she's being considerate there so the ball's in your court to say yes or no or let the lack of response do the talking if you don't want to.

Josette77 · 12/05/2021 22:21

Why ignore her for 24 hours? Just say you can't talk. You are blaming her for your inability to say no.

Miasicarisatia · 12/05/2021 22:22

She is dominating you and you are letting her, that's why

JimBobNoJob · 12/05/2021 22:31

Well if you offered her an alternative time and she said no, leave it at that.
You tell her when you are available and if she keeps saying no, don’t offer an alternative to what you originally offered.if she keeps messaging or phoning you don’t answer.
she’ll soon get the message you’ll chat to her when it’s convenient for you.

Thelnebriati · 12/05/2021 22:33

I think you'll find that if you keep saying 'no' and keep firm boundaries in place, she'll get offended and ditch you.
You will then become the enemy and she'll latch on to someone else.

user64325 · 12/05/2021 22:34

If it feels like counselling and is a chore then I'd hazard a guess that she's a bit of a taker in general. I had a friend like this once, it wasn't until the friendship ended dramatically that I was able to realise that although it had felt close at the time because she seemed to need me, she never actually cared one bit about me, asked about me, wanted to listen to me, it was all about her in every way. She just wanted someone to listen to her endlessly and it was hard work. I'm assuming even if not as bad as my ex friend, yours takes more than she gives?

mainsfed · 12/05/2021 22:38

@Zig27

Thanks for all of your replies so far. They are very helpful. I want to be a good friend but need to put boundaries in place.

She does not have children and does nothing in the evenings anymore as she is frightened to go to the gym because of covid. She tells me she wastes time on Facebook. I’m happy to chat on the phone about 6pm but because she does not prioritise her time she expects me to go to bed late because she wasted her evening. In the past I offer her an alternative time and she says no!

I think I should switch off the phone or not respond until 24 hours later.

Just reply back the next day saying ‘I was busy but can talk at 6pm today/tomorrow.’

Ostara212 · 12/05/2021 22:39

"In the past I offer her an alternative time and she says no! "

Well, tell her if you can't mutually agree a time, that's that.

Generally you need to tell her not after a certain time, I think.

prawnmocktail · 12/05/2021 22:44

She might have ADHD or something. ADHD means you live in constant agitation if you're not medicated and things that seem small to others can really get to you. You also struggle with things like prioritisation and time management and may also be overly anxious or depressed. Could she maybe have something like that?

Cheeseandlobster · 12/05/2021 22:46

Fuck that. How does the conversation go? Is it always 1 sided? Why should you go to bed late when she wont talkat 6pm for you?

melj1213 · 12/05/2021 22:48

I think I should switch off the phone or not respond until 24 hours later.

Or get a backbone and just tell her "no".

You don't need to switch off your phone or wait till tomorrow evening to respond, just respond now "Sorry, can't talk I'm busy tonight."

Your friend takes liberties because you allow her to. You don't need to explain what you are doing, just that you aren't available. If she always rejects an alternative time then, unless it is a time sensitive issue and you can't talk till after that time, clearly it is not important.

NewlyGranny · 12/05/2021 22:50

How often are you calling her to chat and unburden?

How many times would you need to call for her to get the message?

TableFlowerss · 12/05/2021 22:51

Just ignore the rest and don’t reply. She’s taking the piss

Standrewsschool · 12/05/2021 22:53

@DaphneDuBois

‘ no - I’m really tired. Happy to chat tomorrow around 8pm?’

Don’t be too nice, OP. You’re a good friend and a kind person but the only person who can put you first here is you.

This. Start calling the shots and stick to them. If she texts before 8pm, (or what time you suggest) ignore until you are ready. If she asks why you didn’t respond, just give a vague ‘was busy’ reply.

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/05/2021 22:54

She expects a call because you always call.

Just say no sometimes to start and let her down a bit at a time.

sbhydrogen · 12/05/2021 22:57

@BluebellsGreenbells

She expects a call because you always call.

Just say no sometimes to start and let her down a bit at a time.

This! It's very simple. I've been through what you're going through and saying "no, I'm not available" was the only thing that worked.

AliceMcK · 12/05/2021 23:02

9pm phone off or on silent. Respond next day to say you were asleep when they messaged. Do this every time, they will get the message.

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